Loved it. As I entered the place wearing a tie, Andee greeted me with a hug and looked over my outfit with a smile.
"You need suspenders!" she says, and as we walked around the hall we came across a vendor that was selling suspenders, pocket squares and ahem, a bow-tie.
I haven't ever worn suspenders or a bow-tie in my life. But it looked and felt really good in my opinion. She picked out the set she liked the most, and it was 40$ well spent. As you can see.
We had a better picture taken of us, but I don't have a digital copy to put onto the blog. So here is a shot of it from my fridge.
Yeah, I liked it. My first exposure to seeing men doing burlesque as well. I didn't really like the first guy I saw, but I certainly liked the girl in drag who did a river dance routine with a small Stonehenge sculpture which conjured up visions of a movie I saw once. Geez. What was the name of that one... It was about this fictional band.. name is on the tip of my.. AH! Spinal Tap. Reminded me of that. Excellent routine. Loved it, as I also enjoyed this dual-male routine where one guy was dressing up the other, but the other guy was losing his clothes in the process. Perfectly executed. Physical comedy at its best.
I also had a picture taken with this really cute girl named Chantelle.
She complimented me on my outfit and made eyes at me, but I was feeling weird about hitting on her because Andee was close by and also knew Chantelle for a "really, really long time".
Mm. No biggie. I went there hoping for a good time, and a good time was had. I especially liked seeing Judith, who is this performer in her 70s or 80s and didn't have any hesitation about giving her a standing ovation. Just amazing how she doesn't let her age get in the way of a good performance, and it was fantastic. Classic burlesque. Just how I like it.
Earlier before that, I spent some time at the Westlock meditation centre.
After that, I wasn't sure what else to look at, so I checked out the Zen garden nearby and the little pond they had.
And couldn't stay for long, being that I wasn't dressed up warmly enough and had sandals on.
After I was done there, I went to the meditation hall but didn't feel very welcome at the entrance. Being that I was a white dude and everyone else there was Vietnamese. As I stood near the entrance, peeking inside; a fellow held open the door and invited me in, followed by an elderly lady who bowed to me with her hands together in the namaste position. I felt awkward, and bowed slightly to her, but not as much as I would've wanted to in hindsight.
Played with the drums and singing bowls there for a bit since I ended up being the only guy there after a few minutes of entering.
Went to get a haircut and then visited the dock near my place to contemplate my existence.
Soulmate, karmic relationship, Twin Flame and this other one; but what really stuck out for me was the karmic relationship. Studying that further has finally slotted Fola into perspective for me.
I don't know about the false Twin Flame idea, but I can see it being overlapped with the karmic relationship where both have similar qualities.
Yeah. It's a karmic relationship we're in. Now it makes sense. When I was with Boyd these months ago and drawing the cards indicating "soulmates" + "debt" .. it made sense.
But there was also a third card I drew, and that was "Atlantis" so who the hell knows. Maybe there really was an Atlantis. Maybe Fola and I did share a life there at some point. I don't know.
Don't much care really. The important part is that this is a karmic relationship and I have to free myself from the bonds of it. I find it very interesting that it mirrors my relationship with Lauren very closely, all those years ago. Right down to her having a two-year old daughter when we first met. And how selfish and thoughtless Lauren was.
What I remember in that relationship, is a much greater feeling of instability, lack of self-respect and insecurity/being taken for granted/etc. I remember how it ended, and how I took days off work to recover. Cursing God for having placed me with this woman. I loved her and she claimed to have loved me, but really didn't. Same with Fola. Both of them have strung me along making me believe things that weren't really true. Both of them don't seem to understand the impact of their actions and lack-of, on the quality of our relationship. Both of them didn't really try at making us into a success. Both of them are more concerned with realizing personal ambition in terms of material wealth and professional success.
Except this time, I am armed with new information and with experience. Yet, I still feel saddened by all this. Yes, this is an opportunity for me to do things differently this time around and I.. think I have been doing it differently. I think. I am.. not as invested emotionally as I once was. Lately, I have been more mindful of putting myself first, rather than someone else. Lately I have been shrugging off the things Fola has done and promised and said.
I am evolving. Slowly, but surely. I am learning.
Self-respect. Knowing my worth. I have Michelle and Andee to really thank for the support that they've given me to help realize those things with. Michelle for emotional support, and Andee for wanting to get me into bed and knowing the value of my self-worth. Yeah, sure, I was pretty much used for sex by her, but that's okay. I know we aren't going to be long-term, and I know that she gave me exactly what I needed at the time. Just the feeling of being desired. Even if it lead to us having sex.
Last night after the show, we went to Boston Pizza and.. yeah. We're not long-term material. Looking into her eyes.. well, I couldn't see anything to relate with. I told her about my trip to the meditation centre, and she wasn't interested enough to ask about the details. Such as why I went there, or what I saw, etc. She's not a spiritual person.
Lots of silence with her. Comfortable silence, but silence nonetheless. Where with Fola and Lauren, we could both talk for long stretches at a time.
Mm.
I said I was ready for the next step, and learning about karmic relationships yesterday seems to be a step. Interestingly, as I finished reading about karmic relationships; Fola texted me a link to a YouTube video where it suggests that co-dependency/narcissism is actually part of the Twin Flame dynamic (I disagree). She asked me for my thoughts on the video, and I told her I was too busy to give the video a watch at the moment. Truthfully, I don't think I will be watching this video. I already know that Fola is supposed to cause me to doubt my ability to find and be with the person who most deserves a relationship with me. The person I am most meant for. The one that I love and will be loved most by. No second-guessing or doubts.
In a karmic relationship, one of us has to evolve; otherwise it won't work. If she refuses to give me what I need and want; then I must find strength enough to walk away. Not continue begging and hoping for things from her that she has no desire to give.
In the article I read, it said that a long-term karmic relationship can turn into a Twin Flame one; but only if both people are willing to make it work. And it's hard work. Except I don't see Fola as the type to really want to change things around with us.
I just don't. I haven't seen much indication of her commitment to me. There hasn't been anything I can point to that says she really is trying and bringing her best. Anything past one day, of course, since this sort of thing has to be an on-going process.
Well, whatever.
Guess the wheels of karma are still turning. I can tell Fola was a bit upset yesterday at my going to this burlesque festival. I know she wasn't in a good mood, and sending her that picture of me with the blond above; is not going to make her feel great.
But then again, I can only think about the many other things she's done to me that hasn't made me feel great. Not that fire should be fought with fire, but that she is getting a taste of her own medicine, whether she wants it or not.
I don't feel happy about that, but it is what it is. She's dug this grave for herself, and now she must lay in it. She's had so many opportunities to choose not to go in that direction. To make us better, instead of worse. To fortify our relations. Not weaken them. To honor and revere our connection, not dismiss and take it for granted.
She's had enough opportunities.
In the article I wrote, it addressed a concern of mine. If I love her, then I should be trying to help her overcome her issues somehow. But the article says that I shouldn't be concerned about anyone's karma but my own. I should continue loving freely and openly and not make it my mission to release someone from their pain. Especially if they do not wish to be released from it, or if they have no desire to overcome or even understand it.
That's their journey. This one is mine.
All I can do is walk forward with my head held high, and hope that I can be an inspiration to others and to treat people with respect and love and honesty. No matter how I end up being treated in return.
I can always walk away when I am being disrespected and taken for granted. I do not have to attach my self-esteem to another human being's whims and actions. That is a choice I make to be defined by another person, and I don't always have to agree with how others perceive me.
Some people are able to live more truthfully than others. Others who may be hypocritical or confused; their opinions do not necessarily reflect truth, other than to mirror whatever my response to their assessment would be.
I can either conform to their perceptions of me; or I can conform to the perception that I have for myself.
And I choose to love who I am. It's difficult at times, especially when I am hard of hearing and a little awkward socially; but I do love who I am.
Deep down I do.
I am a wolf separated from his pack. According to Boyd at Sundra Healing; the wolf is my spirit animal. Interestingly a few days ago, I randomly went through a deck of spirit animal cards at a health food store, and the wolf was the first card that came up.
My stepdad has developed a recent infatuation with wolves.
Hm.
I've always thought my spirit animal was more like a fox or a turtle.
But a wolf.
Yeah. That's.. That's an interesting one.
Mm.
Weak is not what you will remember.
This is my challenge.
To believe that.
At the burlesque festival, there was a young woman who stood close by me as I was looking over merchandise. I was struck by her for some reason I can't articulate. I.. didn't say a word, or looked into her eyes, but I remember thinking that if I had to choose someone who physically resembles my true love, she would fit the bill. She was conservatively dressed in a nice skirt with heels. Her brunette hair tied back, and this air of.. spirtuality around her, however I can describe it. But I also remember thinking that she was probably with some other guy there, and so I couldn't express any interest in engaging with her,
I only saw her for a fleeting moment at first, and then as the show ended and I was outside having a cigarette. I saw her leave. On her own. And I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was single. She did physically resemble someone I would want to be with.
Maybe it was her. Maybe.
If it is to be, it will be.
I believe that God is conspiring in my favor.
I don't have any reason to worry or doubt.
I am loved.
I am love.
I am watched over.
I only have to be patient, and to stick up for what I believe in.
And it will come.
Another new day. Another opportunity.
Every day has been a challenge. A blessing. An opportunity.
Thank you for all you have given me.
I am taking none of it for granted.
Off I go. The books I've put on hold at the library have arrived.
Maybe I will find further clues in them.
And another step will reveal itself.
