Oh, blog. I cried a little a short while ago.
It wasn't the greatest of days.
I need hearing aids. I feel so disconnected from people here, both for reasons of my not being able to hear them well, and because they're new and unfamiliar, and... Unlike me.
Early today I has the warmth in my chest come again. And started thinking about her, and that terrible dream. I felt the pangs of jealously in the thought of her being with another guy. I... Hate it. I know..
I just miss her. Despite how difficult it has been for us.
And, I don't think she misses me that much. If at all. Especially if she is with someone new. And it's not like she can't find anyone. She's pretty, charming, talkative.
I don't know, blog. I feel my heart hardening up. This disconnect I'm feeling, and these 12 hour days, and this lack of sleep, and...
Its all adding up.
It's taking its toll.
I honestly miss having time off. I miss the park. I miss Fola. I miss my bed.
And, I..
I miss the connection I once had with.. Whatever it was. My higher self. God. I was... In communion with it on a daily basis, and with how busy I am at work, I rarely find time to look around and see things from afar. Rather than being inside of this box, where I am forced to look out of small holes in one direction only. This narrow, constrained way of being.
I changed my room today. Dorm #9, room 111. I like those numbers, but...
Oh, blog. What will become of me? I feel like I...
Like I failed. Am failing.
This morning before going to work and waiting for the bus, I saw a fellow I went to school with named Jack, and struck up a conversation. When I told him I was looking to get out of insulating, he shook his head and laughed.
"I've been trying to get out of insulating for 30 years!"
(sighs)
That didn't feel good. What a bad way to start the day.
I feel so numb. Looking at Fola's YouTube likes, and Pinterest, and it seems like... She doesn't care about much of anything except financial success. There is nothing in there about relationships.
She's not interested, it seems. And I don't want to imagine it's because she found someone.
I'm such a sad piece of shit. I fuck things up. With people I want to love. With my career. With some of the irresponsible things I've done.
And now, I am fucking it up by not being as spiritual and strong as I want to be. I am not able to be either of those things it seems. Not when I can't communicate with others well. Not when I can't communicate with my soul, or that which is outside my soul.
My spirits. They do not seem to be around.
If they even exist.
... I want so badly to believe, but this.. This.
Is...
Such a struggle.
I don't know what else to tell you blog.
I am not as strong as I thought I was.
I am not as capable as I hoped myself to be.
For now, anyways. Today.
God help me.
Please have me believe in miracles.
Please help me believe in myself.
And in the divinity that lies inside of me.
Otherwise.
I'll have nothing worth living for.
And my time here will have been wasted.
Despite how hard I've tried.
Please.
Show me a sign.
