Strange. Decided to go to the park later today (I keep going to parks, why?!) and had the urge to install Tinder onto my phone. Spent the next hour or so flipping through the profiles.
A lot of beautiful looking women on there, but I have no idea if "she" is going to come to me by way of this app.
What was strange, is that after I was done all this, I felt empty. Like my soul deflated itself. I'm not too sure why that is, because I was optimistic before I installed the app.
I would think that the idea of everyone looking for love, and many of the profiles on there featuring jaded looking women or women who are overly pretty; just kind of sapped my spirit. There were a few ladies that seemed normal and bright and happy, but with Tinder the way it is, I wonder how much time it would take to make them emotionally detach themselves from any potential suitors. Because inevitably, they are going to get the ones asking them for casual sex. And the sneaky ones that pretend not to want sex, but end up wanting sex. Fooling them. Damaging their trust, and spoiling it for the rest of us who wants to find something serious and meaningful.
I don't know what is going to happen of this, but I did get my first match shortly after I signed up. It wasn't anyone too amazing. I just thought she looked nice, and I'm not sure if I will be messaging her. Shouldn't the person who gets the match be the one to message? I have no idea how this is supposed to work.
And then the post-matching conversation. Meh. I'm just going to cross my fingers on that, and hope for the best. Not going to stress myself.
(sighs) Yeah. Single again.
Gloomy day outside. Been gloomy the past couple of days and I haven't seen the sun at all. Not too happy about that, because I like greeting the sun each day I see it.
Guess I'm weird like that.
Well... I have online courses I need to do. May as well go do them.
Justin isn't returning my texts. Michelle hasn't either. Sheila sort of ignored what I wrote her last night.
(sighs) It is so easy to feel unloved right now. So easy. Especially after that incident with Fola.
But I refuse to feel this way.
Even if the entire world hates me, I cannot ever apologize for who I am and how I feel.
I am a good man. I try to be one, anyways, and I feel that I deserve someone special to share the rest of my life with.
I feel deserving of this person. And I spent a bit of time today going over stuff that I don't need around the house. Cleaning out the unused items. I may have to pick up some boxes from someplace, because there is a lot of stuff.
And I realize that I laid down my roots in this place I live. I didn't think I would be here for 7 years and now have anyone move in with me, or for me to move in with them. I didn't think it would be this long. I also didn't realize that I was filling the place up with random odds and ends. It seems like I'm threatened by empty space. It's kind of weird.
And I know that it is common, as well, for people to want to fill in the empty spaces around them. Nobody I know has a counter-top without something sitting on it. There are no large gaps around the place.
I'm going to try to be more minimalist from here on. I am realizing that it is not good to have so much stuff around me. And its even worse if I expect someone to move in with me and there is no room for their stuff.
I'm going to do my best to drop the attachments I have to everything I own. I love my books, and most of those will stay, but... even my movies have been going unwatched for so long. I've always thought that I would someday have a child who would grow up and want to watch them. But even if I just have company over, a movie is kind of rare. I know with Fola that we probably only watched 4 movies in the entire time we've been together.
(sighs)
I... am tired of feeling like a prisoner in my own home. Maybe this is why I keep going out to parks so much. I'm just not comfortable here like I used to be.
Maybe I am unconsciously preparing to move on.
I don't know.
But I can't be here forever. I'm pretty much saturated by everything around me. The neighborhood, the streets, the stores.
I don't know how some people can live in the same place for over 20 years. 30. 40.
The instructor I went to for H2S said he lived in the same house since 1967.
Ye gods. Maybe it is a really nice house, but I don't know. I mean.. I doubt he's there alone.
Hm.
I originally bought this place with my mom thinking that it would be a good investment, and seven years later I think the prices are even lower than they were back then.
They were supposed to be building four upgraders here. That is why I thought it was going to be a smart move. Guess I took a shot and it missed the mark.
Hm.
Having this place is nice. Was nice. Well... it still is nice. The freedom. Having my own space. But then I hear the traffic outside and I get annoyed by it. I hear pinging sounds coming from the floor (every time it gets cold) and I do not welcome them because I have no idea how that can be fixed. If it can be fixed. I'm assuming it is the contraction and expansion of the ducts underneath there.
Well blog, I do feel like this is heading towards the end of the line for me. I don't know how else to describe this feeling. I may as well make preparations and pare things down. Box up whatever it is I don't need and store them in the basement, I guess.
Or give them away.
And I am reminded of how much money I've spent on all this, over the years. I didn't need so many coffee cups for example.
Hm.
Well.
I'm clearing out all the old energy.
And making room for something brighter to come in.
I just hope it comes soon.
