Yeah, so. First thought of the morning was her. As usual, it seems. Headache from yesterday is gone now, seems to have ended at around 12:30am last night. Or around there. If it was connected to Fola, then maybe it means she went to sleep. Heh.
I am really... thinking about her. She's probably thinking about me, and I made a small realization as well, regarding the "disrespect" I was showing her, that she claimed I was showing when I didn't respond the "right" way to turning down a watch of the YouTube video she sent me.
There is some merit in how I reacted when I said, "I'm busy with stuff. Tell me what you think of it." I kind of get how dismissive I was, but I really was busy, and I didn't mean disrespect.
At the same time, I am reminded that she still owes me money from the trip we took in April. Five months ago almost. Had she respected me, that money would already have been paid. She would not be taking days off work, in fact, she would take on overtime to pay me back as soon as possible. And she didn't.
How's that for disrespect? I never brought that up. Apart from telling her that I didn't want this debt to be on my mind all the time. Which it is.
Yeah, so. I'm now understanding that she's lost respect for me early in the relationship. That caused a mudslide of sorts. I didn't realize this consciously, but unconsciously I sure felt it.
Thing is, part of me is believing that I am not worthy of being respected. Why? I am not doing what I most want to do in life. I am not working the job that I love. I do not have good friends around me. My family is generally negative. My two step-sisters don't talk to me anymore, even though I don't feel I've earned their wrath/disinterest.
There are things I should not be taking responsibility for, and things that I should be.
On the whole, I should be taking responsibility for how my life has turned out. Can't deny that I create my reality. And even though I didn't "choose" my family consciously, I did choose them on a soul level.
Yeah, I can see why I unconsciously feel myself to not be deserving of respect. That means I must learn to make myself worthy of respect. To have earned it.
What does that word mean, though? Respect?
It means... Hmm. I actually have to stop and think about it. People use this word all the time thinking they know what it means, but the actual definition of it is elusive.
Google defines it as:
"A feeling of deep admiration for someone, or something, elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements."
Interesting. Deep admiration.
I see.
When I loved Fola as I did, she did not respect my "deep admiration" for her. She respected my ability to write, I suppose. Can't think of much else.
As for her, I'm not sure what I respected. Her drive, I guess. Her constantly pushing herself forward by doing new things and going to new places. I didn't respect her "quest" to give and receive "unconditional" love though. She wasn't really doing anything worthy of being respected in that department.
Hmm.
Didn't respect the integrity of her character, that's for sure. Polyamorous chick with no idea of what she wants and changes her opinions on a weekly basis. Or has no opinions at all, and withdraws her deeper self.
Yeah, I'm getting tired thinking about her all the time. Thinking about us.
If karma is real and there is an absolute need for it to be balanced between us; then we shall see each other again, I imagine. I don't have to do anything. It'll just happen.
If she owes me, then it's likely I will be hearing from her.
Not just money, but that karmic debt needs to be resolved. I don't think it has been.
Anyways. New day. Not sure what I'll be doing with it.
Not sure where it will take me.
Guess we'll find out.
