Interesting how this headache of mine that started upon waking, is still persisting in varying intensities throughout the day. Thought maybe I wasn't drinking enough fluids or eating, but that's not it. Didn't bother with an aspirin, because it feels important enough to leave alone and examine.
Hmm. If this is related to Fola, and I am not completely certain because of how unique it feels; then it might have something to do with the note I left Larry. Could be anger I'm feeling.
But a moment ago, I've had a brief warm glow in the chest. Usually that means love, if that is what Fola is feeling.
Hmm. Again.
Tricky business this karmic relationship is. Its obviously karmic, but I am not understanding the false-true Twin Flame dynamic just yet. Not until I actually meet someone that surpasses the connection I had with Fola.
Did a bit more studying on the phone into the nature of all this, and came across a passage on a website that really resonated with me:
"The goal of every relationship is to be loved."
Yes. Absolutely. I should not have to whimper and beg and be made to crawl on my hands and knees just to get some affection and love off of that woman. The woman who desires giving/getting "unconditional" love by the way.
(sighs)
What makes this especially difficult, is when I looked more deeply into karmic relationships. How is karma supposed to work? I've learned that it is not a punishing force, but a balancing one. I learned that all my shitty relationships that ended without explanation; likely was balanced out by the fact that I must have done something similar to these women in a past life.
It does make sense when I think about it. Knowing what I know about who I once was.
And then it further begs the question as to how I responded with Fola. She did not initiate any of our.. wait, that is not true. She initiated one of our breakups I believe, and the last one kind of was initiated by her as well. So...
I'm really wondering if karma has to be balanced out like this. If this was completely true, and that my gut instinct of Fola having abandoned me in a past life; then it stands to reason I would have to abandon her in this life, in order to balance out the karma.
It makes further sense when she used to tell me about how she wanted me to abuse her.
That one was weird, right? Yeah.
But, I couldn't abuse her. I loved her. I still love her. Warts and all.
So that is what makes this tricky. It is a toxic relationship, not because of any ill-intentions involved; but because our personalities and egos are at war with one another. I don't get what I need, and she doesn't get what she needs.
But at the same time, when I am denied my needs, I can't make peace with that. Had she been committed to making our relationship work, it would be working. There would be compromises and sacrifices on both of our parts.
Not just my part.
So. Regardless of who owes what karma, I don't think I conducted myself unfairly or unreasonably. But I'm sure she probably is thinking the same, despite all of the evidence which says otherwise that she likely has brushed off/excused over or refuse to acknowledge in a way that makes her have to take responsibility for her actions.
So... Hmm.
Parallels. Lauren and Fola are pretty closely intertwined as far as a pattern goes. Except in this case, I did do things differently. I believe.
I ... hmm.
I stood up for my needs. My goals.
For the most part, unlike with Lauren, I stood up to keep my self-respect.
And that one was important.
Had I not respected myself, I would've continued along in this relationship like a panting dog at a table waiting for scraps. Content with whatever was tossed its way. Occasionally making a complaint, but...
Oh, God.
Yeah. That pattern. Not being able to stand up for myself and knowing when to walk away.
Should have been firm from the early beginning. I remembered my instinct after our first break-up, to block her number and refuse contact from her altogether. But I didn't follow through with that. She asked to come see me, and I was...suckered into giving her another chance when I saw how sincere and muted she was.
Until she went back to her old ways a short while later.
Hmm.
The pattern. Her promising me things, me believing them, and then doing something that demonstrates how unimportant I am to her and damaging my trust and faith in the process.
Kind of evil when you think about it. I love you said with a knife behind her back. Waiting for the right moment to shove it in and then...
...I'll get mad and leave her. Only to come back again. For more punishment.
Being dangled along with false promises. And sex so good, that it is leagues above anything I've ever experienced. Just touching her was amazing. And the conversations.. ridiculously stimulating. Comfortable silences as well.
Yeah. What a situation I'm in. I don't want to.. not see her again, but it looks like I have to. What other choice do I have? If I don't feel loved and appreciated and respected; why should I have to put up with all that in exchange for the amazing connection we have, that she frequently takes for granted?
Hmm. This kind of thing sucks. I can see the solution.. Maybe.. Time. She needs time to really go over how she behaved. But I don't think she feels like she made any mistakes. I don't think she's really learned anything.
What good would time be? Really? Two weeks apart from me after our first breakup, I could see how much she's changed. But I am also mindful of how quickly she reverted.
Just like in all our other breakups.
Change doesn't stick with that woman. You can't change people. They are who they are until they decide otherwise.
She hasn't. Apparently I am not worth having my needs catered towards.
So. Yeah.
I keep thinking about what I could have done differently, and the only faint idea I have is maybe to keep my composure throughout all of her madness. To brush off her hypocrisy, and to not have any expectations or make any demands.
But, I don't want a relationship like that. I want marriage. Children. Commitment.
Need those things. I need stability.
And the only way we could work, is if I am comfortable with having none of those things. Glimmers of hope, but no certainties.
No assurances.
I wonder how our relationship would go had I not asked for anything. Made no demands. Did not get upset at her breaking plans, or ignoring some of the questions I asked her in texts.
I don't know.
That wouldn't have been my authentic self had I.. detached myself so fully.
But then again, I was that detached when we first met.
And like a fool, I took a chance to open my heart up to her.
I still remember the warm glow back then. There was a moment while I was with her, that I instinctively had to cover my chest with my hands. She took notice of this, and laughed.
There was something about that laugh, that I didn't like.
It was the laugh of, "you don't know what you are getting yourself into" or the laugh of, "I welcome the challenge"
Fola has a thing for secrets. She wants to know them. She expected me to spill my beans and to pour open my entire being towards her.
I didn't fully do that, but I did do enough. There was a moment where I had to remind her that she didn't know everything there was to know about me, although she thought she did.
Yeah. Toxic relationship. I had to open up, but not her? Either she has no depth, or she is so emotionally-neutered, that it would take an endless amount of patience, love and respect for her to really speak freely from the heart.
I don't think she can do that.
Maybe my mission was accomplished. To love her as madly as possible, and to leave her.
I still remember my earlier instinct when thinking about past lives and wondering what she may have done to me in the past. What made the most sense that didn't seem to elicit any opposition from within; was that she and I had a family together, and she abandoned me at some point.
Leaving me with this child. Leaving me in heartbreak.
If that was the case, then karma would dictate that I do the same.
Hmm. But I really don't want to be fighting fire with fire.
Scorpio vs Sagittarius.
Apparently I am a fire sign, and she is a water sign. Kind of interesting. Particularly when I once joked with her that I was fire and she was ice. I didn't know how true that was until I looked up a bit of astrology.
Meh.
I don't like getting too deep into nonsense. Twin flames, false flames, soulmates, karmic twins.
Man... None of these labels completely fit what we have. We could be any of those things.
So, our relationship is beyond labels. It feels karmic, it feels like a false-twin. But it also feels like a soulmate who prepares me to meet my twin flame, but it also feels like a twin-flame as well.
I don't know, man.
It's whatever. I did the best I could. She can't say the same. I 100% believe that.
The killer of love is hypocrisy.
And she's killed it.
So...
If this was karmic, then what has been done? What could I have done?
I think I've done it. Broke up with her a bunch of times.
But, still..
What if I haven't done what needed to be done?
I'm struggling here. The correct answer would be to respond with love, and not negativity. I don't care if she may have abandoned me in a past life.
Perhaps I abandoned her. Who knows? Maybe I had to learn to love her in spite of how little she loved me?
Who knows. I am not getting any answers. There are too many possibilities.
But what feels right in my heart is...
Hmm..
That... I need to forgive her.
Yeah.
Forgiveness.
And to accept that I still love her. No matter how selfish and thoughtless and ignorant and cruel she has been.
But... I also need to forgive myself. For whatever I may have done, or have not done enough.
Forgiveness. Saying... Hmm.
Saying "sorry" doesn't cut it.
Demonstrating sorrow, does.
Making up for sorrow caused, does.
And... I am not going to contact her to do this.
That doesn't feel right to me.
She still owes me money, so maybe and likely, I will be hearing from her. And then we will see what happens next.
If anything does. Perhaps I'll just take her money at the door and wish her a goodbye. Perhaps I won't see her at all, and she'll leave the money on the steps.
Or perhaps she will refuse to pay me back altogether, in which case, the bad karma definitely stays on her.
Interesting puzzle this all is Definitely a form of madness in itself in trying to figure this all out.
What I do know is that I need to return back to the way I was when I met her. To be happy again. Independent. Running off my own steam and not needing anyone or any kind of relationship to validate my worth.
But, that's tough man. I don't have a whole lot of self-esteem. I don't have a job that is fulfilling and rewarding. I don't have an active social life with friends who love and respect me. I barely have a family that is capable of being positive, instead of such Debbie-downers.
Hmm.
Wow.
What a life. So...
It's me. I have to take happiness into my own hands, and never allow myself to put another woman on a pedestal.
Even though I want to. I want to have a queen. I want to be her king.
But I want to be treated like one in return.
Can't have it all one-sided. Me waiting on her. All bright-eyed and taking whatever abuse she dishes at me. Intentional or not.
Yeah, no. The goal of every relationship is to love and be loved.
I loved. I wasn't loved.
So, that's that.
If she wanted us to work out, she would not have started an argument over a YouTube video.
I don't care if she sees it differently. That was not something worth fighting about. She could've handled it better. Or not have said anything at all. I don't get how I can be "disrespectful" for not watching her video.
Whatever, man. I didn't do anything wrong. I did my best. No regrets.
Made some "mistakes" here and there, but generally I tried. I really did.
She didn't.
And so... the only way I can feel guilty over all this is that if I was the one with the karmic debt and I am the one that has to make up for things.
That's the only other way I could feel guilty.
And I don't know for sure who owes what debt, but it feels more like she does.
So I'm going to roll with that.
My job is done.
I can't keep banging my head against the wall with this woman. Trying to knock sense into her. Trying to inspire her. Trying to keep everything together while she does "whatever the fuck I want".
I don't have the energy or interest for that anymore.
Yeah, no.
I've done my best.
She hasn't.
She is still welcome to try, but maybe.. Maybe.
She never will.
And I can't keep getting suckered into believing more of her promises.
So...
It has to be over, right?
What else can I do?
Trust in my gut and in my heart.
Keep faith alive.
Both in myself and in the universe of which Gods and angels and all manner of invisible beings inhabit.
Yeah, I believe in those things. Seen too much weird stuff in my life. And I am still hovering with less certainty than I would like, but I am certain enough.
I do believe.
Yeah. I deserve better.
I've earned it. Suffered enough. Learned enough.
Tried my hardest to be the best man I can be.
That's worth something.
When I love someone, I give them my all.
If that is wrong, then I don't want to be right.
I want to love.
And be loved.
That's it.
And I am ready and deserving of it.
So.
Bring it on universe.
Bring her to me.
