Yeah, so. It was just another day. Kind of uneventfully, eventful. I had the best morning, actually. It started off when I got out of bed and began putting on the headphones. I then thought, "I really need a coffee right now" but didn't want to make it at home (thanks expired milk!), and I also didn't want to shower or change my clothes. So what did I do? Fuck it. Went out in my striped pajamas, my Superman baseball tshirt and stuck my feet in a pair of sandals.
Yeah! That felt empowering and adventurous right there. I can't remember if I've ever just gone out in public in my PJs but I liked it. Had some smiles at Tim Hortons and from the gas station cashier. Then I went over to the park, where I sat on the dock for a bit, enjoying my coffee, my vape and these mini-apple strudel things.
Across from me was a rare sight. Cranes! There were four of them in this blurry, Sasquatch-esque photo I've taken of them:
The weather was nice. Sun was shining on my back, it was warm and yes, still had my PJs on.
Music going... Giving gratitude to God/The Creator/Mr. Awesome as I sat there sipping away and drinking everything else in with my eyes and ears.
And skin. The light bit of wind felt nice as well.
From here, I went home. Took a bath. Did some reading, and decided I would wash the car.
From there I had the urge to go to Ascendant books and pick up a real set of Tarot cards before going to meet Michelle to take Sadie to the dog park.
Soon as I walked in, this lady yelled something at me. The cashier.
"What?" I said, not really sure what she was saying. (thanks shitty hearing!)
"I said you look really familiar to me somehow." She said.
"Familiar how? I've only ever been in here twice, maybe three times."
"I don't know!" she smiles. "You just look like I've seen you someplace before."
"Maybe in a past life?" I volunteered, with a smile in return.
"Yes, that has to be it!" She smiles back.
My witty self didn't say a better line which could have been, "I remember you. You were Esmeralda. We had sex together in Spain back in 1852. It was a wild and crazy evening, wasn't it? I still remember how we smelled like hay after we found that empty barn."
But I was a bit more cordial than that, and just said, "yes, yes past life. Who knows?"
Heh.
Found a couple used books. Another Paulo Coelho, "Manuscript Found in Accra" which I think is about uhm.. (opens book) hard to say. Looks like its about an actual manuscript from 1099 or some time period that discusses how wisdom is inside of us, and that anxiety about the future or the things we desire; does not bring us any closer to realizing our dreams and desires.
Had a discussion about Paulo with another cashier there, this really cute looking goth girl with tats and piercings. She said she loved the Alchemist, so I suggested Witch of Portobello since its about female empowerment.
"Oh, I'd love that!" she said. And I knew I made the right suggestion. All chicks love female empowerment. Wasn't a hard recommendation to make at all.
Picked up a couple coconut chai teas from Remedy and made my way to Michelle. We went to the dog park, and I told her the latest episode with Fola. About how she got upset I wouldn't watch her YouTube video.
Michelle really likes me it seems. I joked about having sex with her, and she.. uhm.. reacted in an interesting way. She was basically "joking" about jumping on me right then and there, but you know how jokes are. They're thinly veiled truths.
So it made me think a bit about our "friendship". I just can't seem to hold down a female friend. All the female "friends" I've made eventually have made romantic gestures towards me at some point or another. I long ago decided that my female "friend" would be my soulmate or my twin-flame.
(sighs)
Speaking of which...
(I'll skip over the details after going to the dog park where I got pizza, etc)
At around 9pm as I'm sitting on the pier outside, looking at the full moon, the thoughts came.
Came of her.
Fola. Again.
And again I had to unpack our relationship to take stock of how I conducted myself. Could I have done anything differently or better than I already did?
No. The answer was. No, I don't think I could have done anything differently other than to be myself. As authentic as possible. As truthful as possible. As giving and loving and supportive as possible.
Nope. I did the right thing getting frustrated at her latest outburst. If we're fighting about a YouTube video that she wants me to watch; what can't we fight about? What about more difficult challenges down the road? What about if we were together and had a child? What would our arguments look like then? Much worse, I bet.
Way worse.
Fola is the type to avoid these kind of confrontations. Or if she challenges them, she does not offer much in the way of details or acknowledgement or (gasps) offer apologies and try to sincerely make up for her mistakes. Those are rare. I've gotten a sorry out of her a couple of times I think, but very little in the way of making up for things.
As I said, things fade really quickly with her. Both the good and the bad. Nothing really lasts.
So.. the thoughts came, and I sighed to myself as I looked up at the sky. When will it end? When will I stop thinking of her? I knew she was thinking of me at the time. There was a warmth coming from my chest, and right now even as I type this, there is this "plugged" feeling in my eyes. I know what that is. Reiki. I believe she sent me Reiki.
Either that, or its something else.
Well.. Feels like she's unhappy and trying not to be.
I'm not angry at her, as I've said before. Just greatly disappointed.
Before I left to go to the dock again tonight, I was watching a couple Soulmate videos by Ralph Smart and they were all over the place. Some things applied, other things did not.
We do not have similar values or taste in food.
We did have this telepathy going, we are comfortable enough to talk to one another while sitting on the toilet. I do cheer her on. I do give her a lot.
She does not reciprocate like Ralph said soulmates do. She wasn't interested in giving as much as she was getting.
So he was wrong on a few things and right on others.
His latest video was "how to know if someone is meant to be in your life" and I just know that Fola watched it. I'm 100% sure she did, and probably bookmarked it. In the past, I would go check her YouTube account myself to see if she liked it, but I honestly don't care anymore at this point.
The nice thing about that video? Ralph said early at the beginning about how effort and reciprocity was important. I wonder what was going through Fola's mind as she heard that because I know that she knows she hasn't been very giving or has put much effort into us.
Another good part about that video, is when Ralph said relationships were of the highest priority. Fola did not think that way. Her stupid Land Rover and everything else, is more important to her than I am.
(sighs)
Yeah, so. Again.. I've done my best. Maybe I didn't have to learn much of a lesson with her. I had to teach one.
Perhaps I was the teacher in this relationship.
And this... my.. involvement is something that will leave a meaningful impression on her. But I somehow doubt that she will realize the error of her ways.
I hope she does. I hope she understands what she threw away.
I forgave her so many times. She made so many promises. She threw me under the bus enough times. Started enough arguments over nothing. Made me feel third-rate. Took me for granted.
And absence has always made the heart grow fonder.
Perhaps that is her destiny. For my absence to constantly gnaw at her. Making her miss me. Making her more receptive towards doing the inner-work she has to do.
To her credit, she has changed quite a bit since being with me. She separated from Larry, she stopped sleeping with random people and called herself 99% monogamous (until the next week, when she told me she hates labels and made me confused/frustrated again). She.. uhm.. Did start to give more gifts.. but I didn't want those kind of gifts. I want thoughtful ones. I want something like blueberry scones, like she made me early in our relationship.
Early in our relationship, Fola was the best.
Until she became irrationally angry.
Until all of those other things came up.
(sighs)
Yeah. I've done my best. I've forgiven her enough times. Gave her plenty of opportunities. Explained enough things to her about how she made me feel the way she did.
I really could not have done much more than I did.
Yeah.. so...
Tomorrow I'm going to Buffalo Lake. It was something Fola and I were supposed to do. She said she was going to "see" about taking Wednesday/Thursday off, and while she didn't confirm if she was or if she is going; I'm still going to go. I'm going to bring along a chair and relax near the water. The weather is going to be fantastic. Plus 30 degrees.
Summer is still not over.
Yup. Life goes on. God is great. Allah, allah.
(sighs)
I've been praying to all the deities lately. God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Jesus, Lord, Kali, Krishna, Vishnu, Ganesh. My deceased father, my higher self, my lower self and Archangel Michael who is apparently responsible for delivering these messages. I've even gotten into bringing in a "guest" each time I pray. Last night was Georgina. The night before was William F. Buckley (yes, the cough syrup guy), day before was Einstein, and so on...
Just for fun. I may invoke Steve Jobs or perhaps.. Hmm. Carrie Fisher or something.
Tesla? Mm.
We'll see.
Life goes on, my friends. Life goes on.
Hmm.
I am still deserving of the one I love.
And she is deserving of me.
For now.
I wait for the answers.
The next step.
And they are already here.
Just got to keep my heart open.
And feel the love within me.
