Something feels wrong today. Yesterday went well enough, as I met with Sheila for a trip to Costco and lunch afterwards. Made her feel good. Had some laughs. Even came up with a little departure fist-bump routine for us. Didn't think much of Fola at all. Felt really clear.
But, today. Today is different. I met with two members of the Theosophical Society and had a good discussion with them in their home. Pleasant folks. May meet with them again. I'm in the process of blogging about the experience on the other site.
And before I can figure out why today was different, I have to explain further what else I've done. After the meeting, I decided to drive around without a direction in mind. Ended up at this Art Walk festival where art was being displayed in this field, and you could talk to the artists.
So I did, and the first one I saw had some decent pieces. Chatted with her. Complimented her. Left her better than she was before I came.
Second one also got a compliment. Third one, another. Genuine compliments, not just me trying to be nice.
Lastly, found this guy who really had some nice pieces and spent time talking with him. The rapport was unbelievably friendly and supportive. I praised him on his technique, pointed out my favorites; asked him how he came up with his ideas, and when he said he enjoyed listening to Angels & Airwaves, I then mentioned my favorite song to him (Clever Love - the Fola song).
And then I went to get some money, because I was telling him how much good art should be rewarded and even though I don't have a job and my savings are dwindling; I took out fifty bucks to buy two prints of his. They are nice, but they aren't anything I can afford right now. Or need.
And that's the thing. I don't need them, but I bought them anyways. I did it because I believed in the words that I was telling him. That people who put their money towards good things, can expect to see more good things in the future. It is the karmic nature of money. Attention goes where money flows, and art is no exception to this rule.
I talked with his dad and his sister who was there, congratulating them both on how lucky they were to have an artist in the family. I was struck by how well spoken and congenial his father was. And how kind his sister was. It was so strange for me to have this..
connection with people.
I mean...
I feel like I am changing. I'm not entirely sure if it is for the better, even. Yes, on the surface I am being genuinely nice and supportive of others; but inside, it feels almost like a death of sorts is happening. My ego... Or the parts of myself that has made me interesting, seems to be...
I don't know.. mutating? Diminishing?
Can't figure any of it out, but the mood I was in felt.. off. Somehow. These were good people and I almost felt like I was pretending. I don't know why. I really did enjoy the pieces that I said I enjoyed. I really did back up my words and bought art that I couldn't afford. I really did think it was cool that the dad and sister had an artist in the family. I really did believe all those things
And yet, I somehow felt sad. Almost like..
I don't know. Almost like I was pretending. Like it wasn't really me.
And I started... man.. thinking about her again. Didn't think about her much yesterday, but today I really am. I don't know what is wrong with me. I keep telling myself time and time again that she is not the right person for me, but I don't know anymore. I don't know why I am so compelled to whitewash her sins and forgive her for everything she's done.
I don't know why I am this way.
And... It is made even worse, when I look at her YouTube channel and there are no new liked videos. Nothing much new on Pinterest either. I am just not seeing the kind of activity on YouTube and PT in the way that she used to be active, and it has made me concerned.
I felt the compulsion to text and ask if she was okay. Obviously I didn't do that, and I can't do that. But I wanted to. I wanted to know what was going on, and a part of me somewhat feared the possibility of her having met someone else who she is now preoccupied with.
If this is true, then it really does hurt for her to have to move on so suddenly like that. I guess I shouldn't have to be feeling hurt when I have done the same to her with Michelle and Andee; but it hurts just the same.
Just the IDEA of her becoming infatuated with someone else kind of troubles me, and I am reminded of that dream I had many months ago, where she was sitting naked in bed with another man, looking at me with those cold sad and accusing eyes.
The eyes that seemed to suggest, "you made me do it" as opposed to my original possible interpretation of, "this is how I am".
I made her do it.
I cannot bring myself to believe this. That I pushed her away. That I unconsciously abused her.
She is likely running with that narrative. That I was abusive.
There is an interesting clue, because while she "liked" the abusive video that Ralph Smart posted; she did not "like" the video he had a few days later, about finding the "one", which I find very curious. Not only did that video call her out on some of her relationship failings (ie. it needs to be watered, nurtured and made a priority); but it makes me wonder if she isn't already involved with someone who she may think is "the one".
I don't know.
But... I shouldn't be obsessing over her like this. I should not be concerned about her anymore.
But I am. I do care about her. I do love her. I want to know that she is doing okay, and I am fearful in case she really is doing okay. Or better than okay, because...
(sighs)
Because it would devalue everything we've shared, if she does that. It would mean those amazing moments we've shared had meant nothing. That there is no point to being in grief of having lost such an incredible connection with another human being.
I am doing my best to let these thoughts flow as passively as possible. When I feel them linking up to recall memories, both good and bad; I silently tell myself, "slippery slope" to remind myself not to feed the thoughts that come, otherwise they will stay for longer than they are welcome.
This is not easy for me to handle. I have faith in God. I now believe in soulmates, and the possibility of a "twin flame" out there. The woman whom I will not have my love questioned for. The woman who is not a hypocrite, who values our connection and works to maintain it. A woman with empathy and inner-beauty and intelligence and self-awareness.
A woman who is not Fola.
And yet, I continue to think about her. Weeks since we've last seen each other.
And...
Yeah.
I don't know. Today was strange. The mood I was in was strange. Not only that, but all I've eaten all day was an apple danish and a few After Eight chocolates and chips at Rogelle's and Ernest's house.
What a weak diet. Why am I fasting? My body is in fasting mode and I am a man who loves his food. I love going to places to eat.
And yet, I cannot. And I am not depressed, either. It is not sadness that appears to be inhibiting my appetite.
I did think it was about my body clearing itself out, but I did cheat a little. I did buy a small pack of Pall Mall's in the morning and smoked cigarettes instead of using my vape. Once those were done, I used the vape for the rest of the evening.
Still, though. I don't know where this is all taking me. I feel that there is a course of action being followed, and I am confused as to what that might be.
I am confused as to why I am still thinking of that woman, even though I have every reason to resent her.
And I am more confused, wondering if I did the right thing to get angry at her when I did.
I don't know. I felt that I couldn't take any more of her antagonizing. Her making a big deal out of my not watching a video was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. If I tell this to any rational person, they would likely be shaking their head along with me at why Fola would insist I rephrase my "I didn't have the chance to watch it" comment, to "I will watch it when I get the chance". Really, what difference does that make? Should I have gotten upset at her having brought this up? Could I have reacted with anything but annoyance at the time?
Yes. Yes, I could have. I could have taken her seriously, and...
Be her bitch, is what it is.
I will not be told to phrase things in a "certain" way so she doesn't feel "disrespected" by them. I've never meant to disrespect her, and she knows that. She knows that I've loved her like no one ever has. She knows that I do care about her and want good things for us.
She knows all that, and yet she wants to start an argument over something so childish and petty.
A video.
But perhaps it wasn't ever about the video. Maybe her intuition picked up on something that I don't understand. Maybe there is something deeply traumatic about her that I don't know about. But I don't think it matters. I know what her capacity for empathy is, and it is not very deep. If she has much of it at all.
So many examples in our relationship that point to this lack of empathy within her.
So many examples of thoughtlessness on her part. So many indications that she has a lack of self-awareness about herself, and is unable to really "learn" anything about her behavior and the effect it has had on my own.
For instance, if you offer to come by and make me breakfast, but show up without a smile or a hug or a kiss; then I am assuming that you are only there to fulfill some sort of expectation that you think I have of you, which you aren't particularly enthusiastic about carrying out.
I could point that out to her, "hey you didn't seem all that happy about coming to make me breakfast" but this would cause an argument and she would get defensive. Telling me that I should be grateful she came over to make me breakfast at all.
So, she is really unconsciously sly about the way she's been antagonizing me. These small digs and indications and barbs. Death by a thousand paper cuts is really what the relationship felt like to me. All these constant micro-wounds, and some large ones as well. Particularly when she promises to come over, but changes her mind. Those are the worst.
I am writing all this down to again remind myself that she is the wrong person. There never should be a need to question the love of someone you are in a relationship with, if you truly feel a genuine love towards them. If you really loved someone, you would try your best to show them.
And the love that we've shared... well... if that doesn't inspire anyone to reciprocate, then I don't know what would.
She's had every opportunity to reciprocate. And she sometimes did, but in these tiny ways. These almost grudging kind of ways. Like she couldn't mask the fact that what she was doing was "work" to her, and that it was intended to please me. They did not come from an authentic place. There was nothing heartfelt about any of these gestures that I can think of, other than the fact of their inception.
There was simply no warmth to that woman. The illusion of it existed near the beginning, but that soon faded once we began fighting. I have not had the impression that she truly loved me. I could never see how that was being expressed, and had she truly loved me; she would not have acted the way she had, in the past. For instance, sitting with Ryan instead of me at the bar. Or refusing sex that evening, and the morning after.
Again, she is not a good person. I keep reminding myself this and I keep seeming to forget.
Mentioned her to Rogelle, and Rogelle immediately knew Fola's first and last name. I thought that was impressive. She must have really left a good impression on them. I found it funny that Larry was mentioned as refusing not to come with her, and that Fola often promised to come to meetings, but kept changing her mind.
I helped bring them both up to speed on her separation, and our relationship. Why not? May as well see if they knew anything about soulmates within the context of Theosophy.
They didn't. Even though looking at them both, I could see that they were soulmates. They have been married for almost 50 years now.
The way Rogelle looked at her husband, with that smile, those bright eyes...
(sighs)
That's love, right there. That is not what Fola and I were having later in the relationship. After the "luster" had faded from her eyes. No matter how great everything else was going with us. The novelty had worn off, and those beautiful bright eyes were reserved for people like Ryan, or the guy with the lion shirt in Arizona; or the fellow she sat next to on the plane.
Or for whomever else she wants to "snare" into her little trap.
Fuck man, I need to accept that she is a narcissist and that is that. She is not a good person. Not a good mother. Wasn't a good wife, in the sense of forcing her husband into polyamory against his initial wishes and against their wedding vows.
While she did not lie to me, she did leave out so much. She was not vulnerable or filled with depth. She had no depth. There was nothing down there inside of her that would have stirred my soul.
And I have stirred her soul plenty enough times.
Yeah. See... This is the part that I am confused about.
Did I do the right thing to leave?
Or should I have stayed to help her?
But how? How could I help someone who does not seem to understand that they need to be helped? I loved her, I would've stayed if I knew that my patience would pay off. But I didn't see this kind of meaningful progress, and I am wondering if I've done it all wrong. Maybe I was impatient, maybe I could've been more independent. Maybe I should've not given my heart to her as freely as I did until I was absolutely sure she would be doing the same.
She argued with me at first when we met, about my insulting her for saying that she was in "superficial" relationships with the guy whose dick she sucks every once in awhile; and Jessica, who she picked up an STD from.
And then she breaks up with them both.
Yeah, I guess they were superficial after all.
And then I felt doubly insulted when maybe four or five months later, she tells me she needs to call Jess to apologize to her for the way she left off things.
Yeah, go ahead and restablish that superficial connection of yours. Where you were used for other people's amusement and sexual fulfillment. Where you picked up an STD. Where you are treated like an object and not a person.
Go ahead, Fola. Go ahead and fuck your life up.
I tried. It worked for a while. I helped you along to get a divorce going; I helped you realize the depths of love and sex and communication and chemistry and forgiveness and passion; but.. I don't know. Maybe you are back with Larry again. Maybe you aren't going to get divorced. Maybe you will be back to being poly again.
99% sure you were monogamous, right? There is always that 1% you left open as a just in case.
(sighs)
Yeah.. Fuck, man... How long do I have to.. keep wondering about all this? Did I do the right thing or not?
Even if I didn't, I should still be able to make peace with all this. I should not be so.. bound by her. So.. ruled over.
And this sense.. that eventually I will see her again, it still haunts me. And this other sense, that maybe I will never see her, haunts me also.
She still owes me money. At any time she may come by to pay it. Leaving me wondering.
And..
I don't know what would happen if I see her again. I can imagine things opening up inside of ourselves. I can imagine feelings being reignited.
I don't know. But if she has any integrity, she will pay me back. Except she doesn't. It has been four or five months since our trip. That should speak to her integrity.
(sighs)
FUCK.
David. Get your shit together.
This woman has a spell over you.
You need to snap out of it.
You've done the best you could. You know you've given her everything you could. You were the greatest version you could possibly be at the time. There are no regrets. there is no reason to apologize for her making you angry when you felt betrayal and hypocrisy and thoughtlessness.
The three of Swords, remember?
You were not a priority to her, David. Not like she was to you.
And that is important to keep mindful of.
You were a toy.
A plaything.
Just like Trina once claimed you to be
The Devil's plaything.
And you are still being played, if you allow yourself to think that you have done something wrong.
You didn't.
That woman has had deep hooks into you, and she still does.
She feels it as well as you do.
She knows it.
And she is likely ignorant of all the good that has been experienced in your relationship. Her memory is not one to grasp just how good the sex and chemistry and connection really was. She marveled over the signs and synchronicites, and then forgot their importance.
She is not miserable about it either. Not like she once was.
She has made her peace. Even if it was under the guise of you being abusive towards her. That is the only way she can avoid taking responsibility for her flaws. By blaming you for them.
And you will just have to accept that you are being blamed.
No matter how much it upsets you to know that it isn't true.
The Truth will always be within you. You know you've done your best. You know your heart was given freely.
You know you've tried.
The same cannot be said for her.
Remember.
Don't ever apologize for how you behaved.
Be grateful for the experience and move on.
There are better people out there for you.
They are coming your way.
Be brave, be patient and above all; be faithful.
You know you deserve to be loved.
And she does not.
She did nothing to earn it. Nothing to be deserving of what you were giving to her.
You gave her your everything, and she did not.
She disrespected YOU. Many times before you began to do the same.
And the crime lies in whether or not you are willing to believe that you must be punished for it.
You will not be punished unless you allow yourself to be.
You did nothing wrong.
You've done your best.
Now walk from this moment on with dignity.
Don't ever lose sight of who you actually are.
And what you need and want from life.
If you ever get lost and are confused about what to do. Always remember the directions.
Always remember that the only map you need is love.
You'll get to where you want to to be eventually, and this time in your life will be little else than a memory.
But you must first make peace with it.
Forgive Fola, and forgive yourself.
Then move on.
You've done nothing wrong.
And in a way, neither did she.
She was Fola.
And you were David.
You both could not get along.
No matter how much you tried to.
Even if you think you were the only one to be really trying,
It takes two, not one, to form a healthy relationship.
She was not making it a priority.
Despite the words she promised.
When you think of Fola, always associate this one word:
HYPOCRITE.
And remember that fully. All the examples and ways that demonstrated this inability to stand by the words that she spoke.
Always remember the false promises.
"I am willing to work things out..." she said to you one day, before asking to break up the next day.
NEVER FORGET THIS.
Those are not the actions of a loving or a sane individual.
She is insane.
And if you were to get back together with her.
You will become insane as well.
NEVER FORGET THIS.
You can still love her, but you do not have to be with her.
You can still love others, as well.
She does not take away your ability to give and receive love.
No matter how much room she takes up inside of your mind.
She does not deserve the goodness of who you are.
NEVER FORGET THIS.
She did not deserve the goodness of who you are.
If she saw something different, then that is her right.
If she denies the Truth, then she will suffer the consequences eventually.
Or perhaps she will not. Maybe she will find true love while you will remain single the rest of your life.
That is what you must come to find peace with.
Not being attached to such outcomes.
Always moving forward.
Always believing in yourself.
And believing that there is something up there, that also believes in you.
And it is helping you.
It is watching.
It is bringing you surprises.
Once you are ready to receive them.
But you must first be ready.
And that requires peace.
And lessons learned.
You've done nothing wrong other than to have lost patience with her irrational way of being.
As would any man.
You've given her enough chances. You've forgiven her enough times.
She's made her promises. She's failed them.
Don't ever take responsibility for her failures.
Those are hers and hers alone.
Now.
Get ready for the next one.
It's coming.
It's here.
And it will be spectacular.
