This morning I woke up at around 9 and yup, thoughts of her again. Decided to hop into the shower and get dressed immediately before having the idea of visiting the Self-Realization Fellowship for their Sunday service.
As I got there, clutching my Tibetan prayer beads; I saw that the only places to sit were right at the front of the podium. Kind of awkward having to face the speaker, but at least I could hear most of what she was saying.
I pretty much went there for some peace, tranquility, a dash of inspiration and a bit of distraction from having to think about that woman. And for the most part, it worked. During the meditation sessions, I straightened my spine and felt sensations around my third eye, thinking more about reaffirming the intentions I set a few days ago. The three big ones.
I liked the service. The older woman there had a nice aura about herself, and a warm tone in her voice. The second speaker of which English didn't seem to be her native language; was more reserved and clunky, for lack of a better word. But they both had good intentions due to the fact that they were there at the SRF to begin with.
Some of what they said stuck with me. Such as having God with you by your side by whatever work that you do, and there was a moment of embarassment for me as well when the speaker was talking about holding in your "right hand" an offerring to give to God, and there I was, clutching my prayer beads tightly before noticing that I was the first to be handed an empty basket and I reflexively placed my prayer beads in there. I had no freakin idea they wanted money. Darn it! So, yeah, rookie mistake.
But then I thought about it. An offering to God means more than simply giving money. It means giving up something of importance or meaning to you. For me, I really liked those prayer beads and briefly thought about asking if I could get them back. I spent the last bit of the service looking at the basket filled with bills and knowing that my prayer beads at the bottom were likely to go unappreciated by whoever empties it out.
Still, though. It made me think about the attachment I had to a simple object. Why was I wanting to take them back when they truly were my offering to God? I was thinking about the ritual I did a few days ago, and a part of what I had wanted to do was sacrifice something. Offer something of importance. At the time, I was going to draw blood and offer that, but the darned knife I had was too blunt to penetrate my skin with. I then thought about giving up the necklace I picked up in Toronto of a raven's skull; but persuaded myself out of it because it was the only memento I had of that particular journey early this year.
So, the beads are gone. That's fine. I bought them in Arizona with Fola, and I have other things of that trip to be reminiscencing about. Such as photos.
(sighs)
Well, after this, I felt... awkward about staying for refreshments, but Paul, one of the older guys there decided to strike up a conversation with me. I mentioned how I came with Fola, and he expressed a recognizance for the two of us, asking me how she was. I had to give him a quick summary of our relationship and how she was married, now separated and that we broke up and she is trying to figure out her way, etc. Then that got interrupted by some other guy, and I said a quick farewell and left.
There are good people there. I can tell. Body language, and the way they shake hands, and looking into their eyes; I can tell. I know goodness when I see it.
I also know potential goodness when I see it. Which is.. Yeah. Her. Potential, but not quite good.
Not yet, anyways. If ever. I don't know.
Throughout the day I kept having thoughts of her even when I wasn't thinking of her. There was this "presence" in the back of my mind like a hitchhiker that lurks in the periphery. Kind of disturbing after awhile, so I would pull away my awareness as best as I can, and whenever more thoughts of Fola came in, I would gently remind myself of the reasons why we broke up.
But, damn. The pull is so strong. It feels like no matter what she's done, I still am willing to overlook the past. And that... Maybe..
Well, here is the thing. I sometimes flip randomly through a book before asking a question. I didn't ask a question in particular, but had this... intuitive sense of a question or idea of something I would need to see. So, this book was completely random, a book I got on hypnosis from Value Village after the SRF; and the first thing I saw was a section about being overly controlling.
I realized that was what I needed to see. I have been controlling. Part of the reason our relationship failed, is because I wanted to control it. I needed to stabilize it, and I couldn't accept the idea that she wouldn't change. But to her credit, she did. In slow and small bursts. She did.
So, it is such a grey area. I want to lose faith in her, but I haven't lost it yet.
Anyways. After the SRF, I decided to look at the map on my phone and see where I would go next. Thought a park would be a good idea, and decided to check out the one near the Whitemud.
Went there, and I was pretty happy with my choice. Walked along the trail for a bit, and then headed off the beaten path.
I needed a place to sit down and finish my Paulo Coelho book, and found a nice long log.
While reading, towards the end I came across a statement that really resonated with me. It was this:
(sighs) That Paulo Coelho, I tell you. He really gets me sometimes. Right in the feels.
As I looked around at my surroundings reflecting upon his words, I saw the sun shining through the trees, felt a gentle wind upon me, the fresh air, the dirt beneath me and the log against my back; I really felt the Truth of those words. I have tried my best to love others, and God, and there has been many challenges on a day to day basis to keep that going. Many battles, and not all of them have been won. But more won than others, I am proud to say.
Once the book was finished, I went over everything in my head, thinking about how a love of God will help give me direction as to where I must be next.
That is when I was suddenly attacked from behind.
So, there it was. Dogs. Appearing at the precise moment when I was thinking about God.
Funny thing is that years ago during my spiritual "psychosis", I used to equate dogs with God. Simply because God can be written backwards to mean that. And I would be seeing dogs everywhere for some odd reason. Every few minutes there was someone walking a dog around on the street. Or I would go into a convenience store and see a magazine with a dog on the cover. Or there would be a dog reference, or a dog barking in the distance.
Since then, I've considered dogs to be a personal manifestation of God in animal form. I know how naive that sounds.
But I can't complain about the timing for them to appear as they did.
From here, I decided to go to Bonnie Doon mall and see if Roxx would have a replacement for my Tibetan beads. They did not, so I wandered the rest of the mall before coming across a store selling artifacts and items imported from Africa.
Soon as I entered, the lady there said hello and I struck up a conversation.
It lasted for almost an hour, I'd say. We talked about musical instruments, and I mentioned how I wished she had thumb pianos available, which she said is going to arrive around December. She showed me how to play an African game called "Mancala" which is similar to backgammon (which I love), and I told her about how my dad and I used to play it, etc. She demonstrated some of the instruments there for me, and we both gushed about the quality of wood in some of the stuff she was selling, including a pretty awesome hand-carved Mancala table that was going for a really low price. But I had no reason to purchase it, no place to put it, and no one to play it with; so I left it where it was, telling her she should be selling it at a higher price than a mere 75 dollars.
"I'll take a hundred for it, then." she laughed.
Wonderful lady. I had a good time talking with her. Warm smile. Engaging and receptive eyes. Again, another good person with goodness in them.
From here, I sat in my car for a bit wondering where to go next. Yeah, another park. Since I was close to Forest Heights, I decided I would go there for the second time. The last time was with Fola, where she was distant and reserved and we argued about how she didn't understand what love really was.
(sighs) So, a trip down memory lane.
Hmm. I'm feeling her now within me. I think she's doing distance Reiki. A bit of sensation in my left ear, and a tiny bit in my heart.
I could be completely wrong about it, but I don't think I am.
As I walked in the park, I went down towards the river and was surprised to see this:
It was so pretty seeing all the leaves change color. I was reminded of how little time we have left before summer would end.
Well. I really did sit on the bench for a long while. It felt so perfect. So serene.
Geez, listen to myself. I sound like a hippie. I'm.. really moving from a darker side of myself to a lighter side by going to the parks all the time. I.. used to be more sarcastic and negative and...
Well, not anymore. Not nearly as much, anyways. I'm enjoying and appreciating the positive aspects of life, rather than the negative ones. Even if we don't realize that they are negative (ie. heavy metal music which I once loved, isn't nearly getting as much play these days).
Hmm.
That bench. I'm looking at the photo now. Imagining Fola there with me.
Yeah.. those thoughts of her were really intruding. That constant presence in the back of my mind.
I tried to gently push them out, but couldn't really. They're too firmly entrenched.
She starts her new job tomorrow and I thought about sending her a message wishing her luck.
But, weakness is not something I will be remembered for. As I said in an earlier post. I can't write her back. No matter how much I want to.
So.
I don't know if she will take the intiative. I don't know when, or if I will see her again.
And.. I have to be firm about all this. I can't change her. I can't hope to change her, and yet I do. I can only accept her exactly the way she is. Warts and all.
Warts and all.
(sighs)
I love that woman and I forgive her much too easily.
So much for this crap about karmic resolution and my not looking back. I am feeling the pull. I think there is still something unresolved going on between us, and I don't know to whom this karmic debt is attached upon.
Me?
Or her?
If only I could know. Maybe it was me that has this debt. Maybe I have to do something to balance everything out.
But, I strongly doubt it.
Decided after being here for a bit, that I would go elsewhere.
To another park of course. By this time it was around 7pm and I haven't really done anything except hang around inside of parks, and the mall for a brief spell.
I also noticed something else that was interesting. My body is in fasting mode. It doesn't want to eat. Not much, anyways. Had a bite of a blueberry muffin before SRF this morning, but couldn't finish the thing. Even hours later, I settled for a medium fries and a Junior chicken. Evening time had me just eating a raisin bran muffin. Hardly any food at all, really.
And that's okay. I've been through this before and I know it has nothing to do with my feelings, but rather the needs of my body. If it doesn't want to eat, then there is a reason for it. A reason that I am trusting, because I've been through this before with no ill-effects.
I feel like detoxing is the motive behind all this. I haven't had a cigarette all day, either, and to me that is another indication that my body needs to purge. The two watery dumps I've had in the bathroom that day, speaks to this. I know I am being prepared for something.
But, what? The next step, is what I am thinking. Whatever that is.
The last park I went to before heading home, was Hermitage. And again, I am so lucky to live here.
When I got out of my vehicle there, this older lady began talking to me.
It was weird.
She first pointed out all the geese at the lake and I was like, "yup. There's quite a few of them." and she then segued into talking about cats, and how her mother would only allow her one cat and how the cat she has now is biting her and other cats she's had, have bitten her. She then interrupts all that to ask me about her haircut, which she cut herself.
I then realized I was talking to someone who was unhinged and possibly really lonely.
(sighs) I didn't want to make an excuse and run, so I entertained her. Even though it was awkward and uncomfortable.
She asked how old I was and I asked her to guess.
"Hmm," she paused, looking at me carefully. "Somewhere between 27 and 34."
I smiled before telling her I was 39 going on 40. She was quite impressed.
Anyways.. The conversation was pretty much one-sided and disjointed. She would interrupt a subject for another. And the weirder part came when she pointed out a family having picnic with their dog.
"Let's go over there," she says, looping her arm inside of mine. "I will be your guide."
I humored her, not thinking that she was going to approach those people until we got closer.
"That dog is really smart," she begins saying, "come, I'll show you."
And I had to tell her that I didn't want to interrupt those people. They were giving us sideway glances as we stood there, about 20 feet away. I could tell that they wouldn't have appreciated us coming in and.. uhm, having a unhinged lady talk about their dog.
I tried a diversionary tactic, and suggested we go to a different section of the park. She froze in her tracks and asked me what I was doing there.
"At the park? I'm here to take a walk." I pointed over to where a trail was, "over there."
"A walk." she states bluntly, as if I said something incredibly boring and distasteful. Her eyes then flickered from that faux-positive shine, to a more dull-negative glimmer.
"Yeah. What are you doing here?" I responded, not feeling offended but now aware that this woman had some deep problems within her.
"To feed the geese," she says before rolling her eyes. "I'm tired and I'm going to go home now."
And.. uhm.. I said goodbye and watched her approach the family anyways. Probably making them as uncomfortable as I was.
So, yeah. Wasn't the best interaction. I didn't feel much like going for a walk after this, so I sat on a hill and puffed away on my vape. Taking the photo above.
Since the battery was almost empty on it, I decided to head home. Got there, swapped the batteries out and decided to head out again.
Where to?
Yeah, another park. Heh.
Sat there in my car for a while, watching the sun set. It came down pretty fast, as by 9pm it was completely dark.
Got messages on my phone. Finally, the Theosophical Society of Edmonton had gotten back to my request for more information. Not only that, but I now have a Saturday date scheduled with a husband and wife team at their house. I'll be needing to brush up on my Theosophy knowledge before heading over there. Pretty excited about that, and yes, I only knew about this because Fola had done the same thing once. And met with those same people at their home.
The other message I got, was from this girl on OkCupid. She posted her blog address up, and I commented on a bunch of her posts. It was really scattered and jumbled, but there were some bits and pieces that stood out for me. Drawings of a wolf made me mention to her that a wolf is apparently my spirit animal, and she quoted from Harakure (think I'm spelling it right), a book that I told her was in my car with me right at the time I read it.
Her blog talked about her not being of this world, that she was a kind of alien, and she had this obsession with that elf from Lord of the Rings as played by Liv Tyler.
Eventual discussion revealed her to have PTSD, depression and schizophrenia. I felt bad for her, and tried to give her encouraging advice and support. She didn't bother looking at my own blog when I sent her the link, and didn't ask any questions about myself. It was another one-sided conversation with an unhinged individual, but that was okay. I'm able to get along with pretty much anybody, and I had low expectations. Plus, from her blog, I found a nice destination spot to visit. Possibly tomorrow.
There was another lady on OkCupid as well who described herself as a "fat single mother who has no business being on this site" and her username was, "thissitesucks". I sent her a message first about how funny her profile was (it was), and there was this screenshot she took of her phone where a guy asked her to give him a blowjob, and she wrote, "could you be a little more romantic?" and he responds with, "give me a blowjob in the rain" ... heh.
Anyways. She responded saying thanks, and then follows it up with, "nothing good ever happens to me"
That triggered something, so I wrote this long message telling her about how I was on OkCupid off and on for 7 years, and that she shouldn't lose hope because it is all a journey and she's can't be thinking negatively about it, etc. I thought it was a pretty good message, and though I haven't heard back from her; I think it was somewhat appreciated. Even if she was too jaded to say so.
Anyways... Went from here to get hot chocolate and went to another park. Yeah.. parks all day every day, it seems.
Got a cop come to me, blinding me with his lights and asking what I was up to. His attitude was arrogant and I instantly disliked him. He said I wasn't doing anything wrong after I asked, and left.
Dick. I could go into more detail, but who cares? I've seen some good cops before, so I know that they're not all like that.
And.. here I am. At home, typing this all out. 12:30am. What a day.
And this probably wasn't an interesting blog post. But, oh well. It wasn't intended to be. It's just good to let my thoughts out.
Mm.
Well. Faith is a challenge. It is tested in the (apparent) absence of God or synchronicities or signs.
I think I'm doing quite well. Especially when those dogs came to me, and especially so when I talked with the people I spoke to today.
I did good, I think. I conducted myself honorably and with kindness to others.
There was a love in my heart that was expressed, I think. And that is all that matters. I may not have cleaned my home or have done anything outwardly productive; but I certainly have achieved something inside of me that has affected others also.
And that is all that counts. I did well with what I could and with whom I met. If each and every person has an aspect of God within themselves; then I have given God my fullest respect and appreciation today.
I'm going to miss summer. Less opportunities to be doing stuff like this.
(sighs)
Well. Tomorrow I'll probably be thinking of her again. Knowing that I really should be thinking about a new girl, rather than an old one.
But perhaps she is my twin flame. Or perhaps there is something unresolved with my karmic twin/soulmate/false twin flame/whatever.
I don't know. Again, resistance is persistence. Not going to fight myself.
I will have to wait and find out.
And keep faith alive in my heart while I do so.
I deserve better.
I am earning it with each breath that enters my body.
I am believing it.
So, therefore. I can only wait.
For in God's love, and in the love of others...
We are shown the way.
