But, at the very beginning of the course, I felt a lot of... love for the people in the room with me. I can't really explain why. The instructor in particular, seemed like a very nice older guy with a great sense of humor, and he helped make everything go by smoothly.
And then, that feeling sort of faded about halfway through. I was thinking of Paulo's quote from Valkyries, about how "The love of God and others -- shows you the way" and... I didn't manage to be able to keep that loving feeling going. I kept feeling stuff in my heart all day, this kind of.. not glowing warmness.. but.. Hmm.. kind of an almost glowing hotness, if that makes any sense. The sensation was different than usual, and it sure lingered.
Along with thinking about her. Nothing specific, just her. Her name, her face...
When I went to visit my mom after the course, we caught up on her trip to Poland and she asked me how my love life was.
"There is no love life," I smiled. Not feeling especially sad or happy about it.
"But... I do think of her every day." I added.
And that has been true. For almost three weeks now since I last saw her.
I've been thinking of her everyday. This is just like how it was with Gina.
Except, different.
There is no resentment in my heart. No regrets. The same as it was with Gina, but instead of.. I suppose.. Hmm.
Maybe it was identical. But there were some differences. I'm just trying to remember what they may have been.
I felt more gratitude in the aftermath of Gina, and with Fola, I feel more love instead.
Which doesn't make any sense.
I still remember how she asked me to abuse her, with this smile on her face. I couldn't do that, and now that I've seen her "like" a couple of videos about recovering from abuse; I am thinking that she got exactly what she asked for. Whether I realized I was giving it to her, or not.
That woman really knew how to push my buttons. I can't figure out the point of all this. I know there's something deep. Just like it was with Gina. Something deep that I may never figure out while I am alive.
Karma... It's definitely that, somehow.
And despite it all, I still feel good. I mean... I'm not broken. I'm not sad. I'm just thinking about her everyday. Sometimes with love. Sometimes with annoyance.
Don't get it. I have no idea why this is. Got to be some past life or soul contract stuff.
I'm still checking her Youtube and Pinterest. Absolutely nothing new has been posted today or yesterday and I felt concerned. Thinking about it, my imagination was settling on some unsettling possibilities.
1) She is distracted with something or someone else.
2) She is really not doing well, and has no interest in going online to look at videos or pin photos.
3) She is doing extremely well, and has no time for videos or photos
I don't know which of the three it is.
And... Hmm.
Glowing chest. Every day, almost. This sensation varies in degrees, but it's always there in some form when I really stop to feel it. Almost like it has its own life. Some days its brighter than others.
But, again. Today was the hot kind of heat. I paid special attention to how I treated people around me, and it wasn't quite as exceptional as I had hoped. As I said, that feeling of love I first felt, faded around afternoon time. Maybe the course really was that boring and I couldn't tune into others very well. But everyone was in a fantastic mood. The vibe of the class felt really nice.
So, I left my mom's place early because I had the urge to sit in with the Theosophy Society tonight. I arrived there earlier than expected (650 instead of 730) and browsed the library for a bit.
Hm. Then people started arriving. Francisco was the first. This older, professor looking fellow who was actually from Italy. Very nice guy. Extremely smart.
Few more came in. This really old lady, and... the showstopper, was this pretty young brunette whom I tried catching the eye of several times over the night, without a whole lot of success.
Guess she wasn't interested. I don't know how flirting is supposed to work.
As we started reading, I was surprised at how focused I was on the passages. It was critical reading. Really analyzing everything Blavatsky was talking about to her "students" about subjects like levels of consciousness and the idea of eternity. We read from page 7 to 18 I believe, in the course of an hour and a half. Almost everyone piped in their thoughts about what we were reading, and I was surprised that I didn't hold back my own at certain moments.
I think I made some good points, but when everything ended, I realized something very important about the effect this session had on me.
My arrogance was being kept in check. Finally. By people as smart, or smarter than I am.
What a refreshing feeling that was. I really appreciated hearing other people speak of deep and intellectual things on the subject of the metaphysical.
For so long, I have yet to find anyone who could hold a decent conversation about all this sort of stuff. And it appeared that I have. I was.. happy for deciding to go.
And it also looked like that I will be starting a new job next week. Yeah. Non-union QC work. Just got to file in the correct paperwork tomorrow and finish a course or two.
Driving home from Theosophy, I kept "feeling" her in my heart again. My head was deliciously swollen as it felt like my consciousness expanded just from being with those people; and I kept having this urge to text Fola something. I wanted to tell her that I love her. And that I was grateful for her inspiring me to visit the Theosophy society in the first place. I wanted to tell her that my arrogance was being kept at bay, and that I apologize for the arrogance I have shown towards her while we were together.
(sighs)
Arriving at home, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to text and find out if she was doing okay. My imagination was getting the better of me.
But, I didn't want to text her to find out. Instead, I texted her sister Sade.
And yeah. I wish it was that simple, Sade.
I can't say I completely understood what she was saying, either. Did she want me to ask Fola how she was doing? Was there a valid reason for me to do so? Was Fola not doing well and have spoken of me?
Or, was she telling me to not bother her with messages and just talk to Fola myself? Because that is what I think it was. A kind of a nice way to ignore me.
Then again, she did say "hi David" which was nice. And wished me a good night... so what does that mean? A polite form of saying for me to get lost?
If that is what it is, then...
(sighs)
I don't get it man. Why did I write "I understand" so quickly when I didn't really?
She's telling me to ask Fola herself.
That... Hmm.. I read between the lines alot...
If she's asking me to ask Fola, then that means that she doesn't think Fola refuses to talk to me. Or that Fola may have blocked me. Or that we've had an acrimonious split.
If Fola's own sister doesn't know any of all that, then I'm not sure what she told her about why we aren't seeing each other anymore. If anything.
It seems like Sade didn't think our breakup was bad enough for her to suggest that I talk to Fola. Because if Fola told Sade that I "abused" her, she would really tell me to fuck off or not bother responding to my message. Or blocking my number.
But, she didn't do those things, and it makes me wonder what did Fola really tell her? How is she really feeling?
Is she doing okay?
Did she end up telling Fola I texted anyways?
Is Fola waiting for me to text or contact her back? Does she even miss me?
Man... What a mess.
Her sister has given me both a glimmer of hope and a glimmer of doom.
I'm not sure which of the two it is supposed to really be.
If Fola is not doing well, then I would contact her. If she is, then..
There is no point. She's moved on.
But if Sade is telling me its better that I contact her, assuming she knows how everything ended.. then...
I should talk to her.
(sighs)
What a mess.
I.. am still holding onto my intuition here. My heart, and I am just going to play everything by ear. I was glad enough that Sade wrote me, and I at least know there hasn't been anything serious that may have happened to Fola. At least I can find comfort in knowing that much. She didn't die. She isn't suicidal...
But she probably is depressed.
I don't know.
Again. The lack of activity on the internet isn't helping matters. She is either depressed or preoccupied. One of those two.
I am going to assume it may be a mix of both.
God... can't figure out any of this shit. Why is it so difficult?
And why do I care so much about how she is doing?
...
I don't need to answer that, I suppose, because I know.
Yeah. Well.
I am thinking about that dream I had of her and the other guy. I am thinking about how she re-established contact with Jessica. I am thinking of her having met someone.
I am thinking of a lot of different things.
And I don't have enough information to isolate any particular answer.
So, playing it by ear.
My mom got me a few nice things from Poland. This little elephant is the highlight.
Ah. Another thing.. Saw Fola's name on the register at Theosophy. Two names above my own. Seems like she hasn't come back to this group since December. That's a long long time ago.
And I don't know if she's doing the SRF thing anymore either, but I'm sure she now knows that I've gone there without her at least once. Going to pick up my beads tomorrow, so I'm happy about that.
Oh, and also got this mug
Mom tried to convince me that is how they spell my name in Poland. I had to point out that it is not the name on my birth certificate.
Crazy Polish people. (sighs) She didn't seem to enjoy her trip very much. Said the best part of it was when she was going home. Haha.
Oh, well.
Kind of reminds me of the life I'm having now. I don't mean to sound morbid, but I bet that when I die and emerge on the other side, I will be thinking that...
Okay, maybe I won't. I don't know what is on the other side. I DO know not to be taking life for granted. So perhaps I will continue to express gratitude for this gift I have been given.
This opportunity to make something of myself.
And.. I have a good next blog post coming up. I'm sure Fola will enjoy reading it, as whoever else might be that is visiting.
I had 1 visitor yesterday at 1am! Yay! I'm still not sure if that was me or not, somehow accidentally reading the page around bedtime. But, I don't think it is.
I think it could be her.
It was accessed by an Android device. On Mobile. Using Chrome.
Could be her.
Who knows.
Anyways.
New day tomorrow. Got to try and enjoy it.
You only live once.
Or perhaps a thousand times.
Yeah.
Old souls.
Atlantis.
Who the hell knows anymore.
