Had the impulse after this to go to the flea market, since it wasn't too far from where I was taking the class. Went to Trina's stall and saw her mom, but didn't see her. I asked if she knew where she was, and she said, "she will be around shortly."
No more than a few seconds after that, Trina appeared. Tada.
We started chatting, and she took me into her booth. Think we talked for at least an hour or so. I was really picking her brain about what she thought of certain things. Particularly my relationship with Fola.
Mm, she said she "knew" from the start that something was off about Fola. I don't know, but she told me her first impression of her was that "I really like her" and this was after she warned me against being with her, the last visit before they both met. And for the past while, she was anti-Fola and insisted to me that she was still living with her husband or still had feelings for him, even though I knew full well that Fola wasn't living with Larry, and didn't have any feelings for him at all.
(sighs) psychics.
Aside from that, it was a very interesting conversation. From talking to her and thinking, I managed to figure out why Fola asked me to "abuse" her on more than one occassion.
I still remember how she smiled at me in bed. "I feel like I want you to abuse me." and I still remember my reaction.
"Why the heck would I want to do that?"
She smiles again and goes, "I dunno."
Pfbt. Anyways, I believe I've figured this one out. Normal people would call her behavior kinky, but I think it goes deeper than that. I think she was given so much attention and adoration, and had everything come to her so easily in life; that she felt guilty and needed to be punished.
Unconsciously, of course. I think that guilt runs deep.
And that makes sense to me.
Now... What else did we talk about...
When I told Trina about my angels story (on the other blog), I then asked her if she believed in angels.
"I believe in fairies more than I do angels." she says.
Fairies?! I made sure not to betray too much astonishment and mild disgust when she said that, but I definitely showed my surprise. Seems that Trina was seeing fairies as a child. Apparently there are real photos of fairies out there (one that came to my mind was the black and white Victorian one with the two girls that looked so ridiculously fake). And.. yeah.. She would go to some field with flowers, and there were fairies and they talked with her.
|"Do you still see fairies?"
"No."
"How come?"
"They are locked up."
"Locked up?" I'm really leaning forward trying my best to be open-minded and serious.
"In the 70s, they were locked up. I don't know why."
And it seems that when I pressed her for as to how she knew that, she tells me she heard it from other people. Mm. Okay.
Trina is an unusual lady, but I've always been giving her the benefit of the doubt. She's not completely sane, but she doesn't seem insane either. I can't really peg her and I'd hate to judge and presume things. So she saw fairies. Okay. I'll believe that she believes it.
Another thing I managed to figure out about Fola, was.. and this will sound creepy, but because of her behavior and because of inability to love, and because she is so fixated on getting herself a Land Rover and money, and also that dream she told me about how Aleister Crowley came to her in bed and started patting her on the head, and the admiration she had for that guy... and her interest in rituals and pagan stuff... It all made me realize something scary.
She is the exact kind of woman who would sell her soul to the devil if she could be rich.
...And not even realize it.
This is obviously a frightening and serious thing to say, because.. Well.. Maybe there isn't a devil out there, but there is a spirit. A way of being that people would be willing to do anything for, no matter the consequences. And I think this is her. I think she would use anyone and everyone as a stepping stone to get what she wants. And once she exhausts the value of that person; she will unconsciously sabotage the relationship so as to provoke "abuse" and give herself an excuse to leave; or she will simply leave, like she did with her husband Larry.
Here is the thing about the idea of "selling" your soul to the devil. I believe it is entirely metaphorical. You don't actually sign a contract in blood. You don't invoke Satan. You don't do anything that obviously panders to the side of evil and darkness; but you certainly behave in a way that aligns with selfishness at the expense of others. At the expense of love and compassion and empathy.
You simply throw all those things out the window, and embrace a sort of psychopathy. Nothing will stand in the way of your goal. Not even your own child, as a child is an inconvenience and an obstacle on your way to greatness. This is likely why Fola was wanting to see Ivy "every other weekend".
Telling Trina this, she was upset about that fact alone. Telling me that she would always want her son by her, and to be with him as much as possible. And that whenever her boy needs her, she would rush to his side no matter what or when.
I believed her. I know she loves her kid.
And with Fola.. I really don't see that with her and Ivy. I don't see affection. I've never seen her kiss or hug Ivy. What I have seen is her "putting up" with Ivy. That is a far cry from what a mother who loves her child would be behaving as. But then again, I don't know how stressful that would be. Maybe I wouldn't be hugging and kissing my kid, or wanting to see him/her as much if I had to be with them the entire day.
Hm.
Trina then made the excellent point that if this is how much Fola "loves" her daughter; if this is the extent of her love; then how could she give me the love I deserve and expect, and have shown her?
Trina then made the excellent point that if this is how much Fola "loves" her daughter; if this is the extent of her love; then how could she give me the love I deserve and expect, and have shown her?
The conversation was really helpful to me. I can't say I believe Trina 100% on everything she's told me about, particularly her ability to astrally project. That's another thing. Apparently she can astrally project herself, and told me a few stories about what she saw and how she was able to confirm certain details once she went to visit the location she traveled to.
When I asked her if she went to visit the Pyramids in Egypt, or to travel around the world; she said, "I didn't think of doing that."
Another idea I had in mind was to write something on a piece of paper and see if she could read what it was. I would put it on the roof of my house, and invite her to astrally project herself over to see what it says.
(sighs) I take most everything she says with a grain of salt, but I do believe in some of the things she claims to have experienced.
Yesterday I pulled a random card from my Tarot deck and got the "death" card. I was disappointed, and didn't take it too seriously. I wasn't imagining death to be around the corner, because that card can indicate personal transformation and the death of old ideas/relationships/etc.
Took Trina's deck of cards today and shuffled/cut to find the death card yet again. Interesting. Trina again tells me that I am psychic, although I am not fully believing or understanding how that can be.
I told her again about my other reading, where I asked about Fola and Soulmate + Debt + Atlantis were the three cards that came up. She was really puzzled by that one. We then discussed the idea of Atlantis possibly existing, and though she didn't know much about it, I filled her in on some of the details that I've picked up over the years. Seven races. All divided up on an island either between Africa and America, or off the coast of Greece/Italy. I personally think it was between Africa/America in the Atlantic.
Atlantic. Atlantis.
The cataclysm was caused by a thirst for power and technology that would look like "magic" to use nowadays. Tech that used crystals for computing. And something happened that caused the entire island to fall into the water, because some power was growing and growing and growing and then consumed/destroyed the area/caused eruptions/etc.
Again, I don't know much about Atlantis. It'll be amusing if it was all Fola's fault in her past life and I was some assistant of hers, or some high magician guy that she rebelled against and caused the cataclysm.
Who the hell knows. I find it funny that I can talk with Trina about all this stuff and have us mutually respect one another.
Hmm.. what else did we talk about..
Fairies. Astral projection. Atlantis. Fola. Being a mother.
The nature of evil. Angels.
Trina used to believe in angels, but no longer does.
Said Lucifer was a fallen angel. I agreed, but then made the point that he was an angel at one point, meaning that there could still be benevolent angels out there interested in assisting mankind.
Talked about mediumship/chanelling for a while. Told her how I was opposed against it. Quoted her a little Blavatsky ("the medium is not the message").
But, she seems adamant about doing it. So she can comfort people and "get information" from the other side. I then asked her how these dead spirits can hang around when she and I both believe in reincarnation; and she replied that from the point of death, the dead person's spirit exists on the planet for 40 days and 40 nights.
When I asked how she came by that information, she told me it was from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Interesting. I'll have to look that up.
She told me about her past life as a witch, where she was burned at stake and then flew around the crowd, cackling at them. (sighs) When I asked for evidence, she cited recurring dreams.
I told her a little about my past life, but decided not to name names. Past lives are serious. The one rule about reincarnation club, is that you do not talk about reincarnation club. Too personal.
Hm.
We talked about other stuff, but those are the most interesting bits. After here, I went to "Where Faeries Live" near Whyte Ave because I've yet to check that store out.
It was smaller than I expected. All female customers. I ended up buying two small rocks. One black Kyanite and a rose scepter I think it was called. Just intuitively picked those two up. Looking at the Kyanite description, I'm glad I did. Not too sure about the scepter, if I'm even identifying it right.
So... from here I didn't know what to do. Decided to visit the "End of the World" which is a viewpoint near the river valley offering exceptional views of the city. It was nice. Spent a few hours there reading, but left once it started to get chilly.
Beautiful, right?
Hmm, looks like I did take a photo of that other stone I picked up. Here it is.
Ruby scepter, it says. I can't seem to find any information on this for some reason. Probably mislabeled.
Also saw this book there, that reminded me of Fola and my revelation that she "sold" her soul to the dark side.
Used to tease her about the possibility she was Cleopatra in a past life. If she embraced the psychopathic mentality, then yeah, she'll probably be ascending alright. Anyone who is willing to do anything to realize their goals, are probably going to be successful at some point. I mean, she has a picture of a Land Rover taped to the wheel of her car. You can't get more dedicated than that to the power of wishful thinking.
It's sad to think about. In most of her "liked" videos on YouTube, there's nothing really in there about improving relationships and learning to love more. I called her out at one point about how materialistic she is, and how she is prioritizing money and Land Rovers over relationships. She denied it, but that is only because it will obviously make her look bad if she admits it to be true. It's all about money for her. And I am reminded of that time we checked out the 4 million dollar house, and joked with her about the laundry room and if it was the right size for her (it was huge).
I was so embarassed when she yelped out, "I ain't doing no laundry!" and the realtor gave a fake laugh.
She said it twice. And with this conviction, this serious tone of voice. And this ghetto tone of voice too, like she's some hard ass who could never conceive of doing laundry.
(sighs) ...
That woman is so messed up. Another thing Trina and I discussed, was the karmic debt that existed between us. Apparently I completed it by calling her out on her bullshit, and by getting her separated from her husband and on track to a divorce. I still remember joking with her early in our relationship about how she needs to divorce Larry so that she and I could be married; and she gasped with shock at the suggestion. I'm pretty sure she didn't consider divorce at the time.
If that was my soul contract or obligation to her, than I have completed it. I suppose.
I don't know man. This New Age stuff is so either way, Some of it could be true, and some of it obviously is not. But what? I believe in reincarnation. I believe we are soulmates or have had a karmic relationship in the past. So... its hard to verify the right answer. There's no way of doing it other than to look at the whole of our relationship, and seeing what was achieved by it.
I loved her fully and I helped her separate from her husband. I showed her how good sex could be. Conversation. Chemistry. And I shared a lot of my vulnerabilities with her and taught her many truthful things.
From her, I didn't get all that much in return I don't think, Not in the amount that I've been giving her, anyways.
One of these days I'll write a post about what she has given me, because there has been good things. Good and bad lessons. Well.. lessons, I suppose, since good and bad are completely subjective when you are meant to grow and learn from them. However they are taught.
It wasn't the most productive of days, but I enjoyed my conversation with Trina I felt renewed afterwards. Just gazing into her eyes helped stimulate my soul, somehow, and she promised to get me in touch with a "man" who might help mentor me along to where I have to go next. It was a throwaway suggestion of mine that I didn't explain very well, but Trina picked up on it and said she would call her teacher and have her teacher give her the name of a guy that I may be able to visit.
Who knows. Maybe something will come of that.
Also found out why Trina hasn't called me for Reiki. She lost my number. Tsk, tsk. Gave it back to her again.
Well.
Finished my book today (Joshua by Joseph Girzone, really good) and went home to dork out on Star Wars Battlefront for a few hours. Haven't sat down to play video games in a long while. It felt pretty good. Made a new friend on there too.
And.. that's about all for today, dear blog. I really feel more "freerer" from Fola now that I've come about to better understanding the purpose of our relationship. I'm not entirely convinced that I fulfilled my purpose, but a purpose was nonetheless fulfilled. I don't know who owes who what "debt" as far as karma goes. I think she owes me. Still does.
Still owes me money too.
(sighs)
Well.
Yeah.
I wonder whats going to happen when I die someday. When I get answers to all this. And if there are any consequences to her actions and behavior. I'm sure she's rationalized it all away to make herself look better, but I hope that if there is some sort of judge in the afterlife, that "it" will review us fairly and accurately render a decision of some kind. To what end, I don't know. Or perhaps we are going to be judging ourselves, once we meet up on the other side. If we do.
(sighs) New Age stuff.. Got to love it.
Well... guess I should head to bed. Meeting mom tomorrow, and Robin, the man that wiped out 700k of debt. Strange how Tyler really wants me to meet him. Stranger still that Robin is excited to meet me, and strangest yet, that this all happened because I found a set of keys at the park.
Life, I tell you. Life. So full of mystery and wonders.
Can't wait to see what happens next.
