BRUTAL.
Came to Elk Island park, and bam! Thoughts of her, again.
Again and again. I can't seem to justify away their presence. I can't seem to make peace by calling her a hypocrite.
I know in time this will fade, but how long before it does?
There is a... Presence in me again. This feeling that she is right here, inside. I woke up at 5 again this morning after going to bed at 1, and my first thought was her again.
Again and again.
I really want to know what she is doing. I don't understand any of this. Are we still connected? Am I feeling the same way she is?
What the hell, man?
Earlier today I briefly entertained the idea of inviting her to read my blog. Yes. This blog, and God...
It would be such a bad idea wouldn't it?
Found out also that she blocked me on Pinterest. Another sting. And again, like a fool, I am looking on there and on her YouTube channel to see if I can piece together any clues as to how she is doing.
(sighs)
I don't get this. It almost does feel like a spell of some kind. Despite all I've written yesterday, I'm feeling spellbound again.
And... Even just thinking about seeing her again has my heart clutching a little. I don't know how I could handle that. I don't think it will be good.
But maybe it would be.
Fuck, man.
Fuck.
Met with Tyler at Humptys. Was really stumped when he asked me what I learned from working 20 years in the trades. I really had to stop and think about that one.
I learned that it is not what I am supposed to be doing. I learned to get along with people from many different backgrounds and ethnicities.
I don't know what else is there. I still need to think about this.
Tyler and I are on the same wavelength. We both want the same things from life. We both want to be happy and to find purpose and feel valuable in whatever it is that we do.
He then offered to introduce me to his mentor, a fellow named Robin who is the guy that managed to eradicate 700k worth of debt in three years.
I said sure. Set it up. Not because I need to get rid of debt, although I do, but because I like meeting interesting new people. I like learning about them.
And now, elk island. I'm looking at families walking around in this beautiful weather and imagining myself as a dad.
(sighs)
So fucking lonely. So isolated and unloved.
But I know that is not completely true.
I am loved, and I have a friend who is always by my side.
Even if I am having trouble believing that right now.
(sighs)
Life.
Ups and downs.
Twists and turns.
Got to keep flowing along with it.
While I wait for her to come.
Whoever she may be.
