Hm. So it looks like Fola doesn't seem to understand or will acknowledge that she snubbed me today when she said she would keep me "updated" on whether or not we were going out for food on her break.
Just read a quote from Dr. George King regarding love. He says:
"hypocrisy is the killer of love."
My mistake, just looked up the quote again:
"…the slayer of LOVE is hypocrisy…"
https://www.aetherius.org/what-is-love/
Interesting. I was really reminded of Fola when I read that. Particularly with how often she tells me about wanting to give and receive unconditional love.
Man. That girl I tell you.
The giving part is clearly problematic for her, although she'll happily accept the receiving. Craves it, actually.
Yeah. This doesn't paint a good picture.
I'm thinking now, what should I do? How should I handle someone like her? Just go on loving her as fully and unconditionally as I can? I would be willing to do so, and have, but I've yet to see it returned in even a fraction of what I have given her.
I'm an idiot. I really am, but I keep getting suckered into this relationship. No matter what she does to upset me, I'm always back. Wagging my tail.
And she's just...
Ugh.
I don't know what to do. Hold on to my self respect I suppose. What else? Shouldn't I be true to my feelings, and love her regardless of the many small wounds she inflicts upon me?
When is enough going to be enough?
I know that if we had a child together, it would make things worse. I've seen her relationship towards Ivy and her feelings about not having enough "freedom" because she has a daughter to worry about.
A daughter that she once asked for, but didn't think it through. Telling Larry, her husband, to "put a baby in me" to which he obliged.
No thought to that decision at all. And no real appreciation for the beautiful girl she gave birth to. I know she would vehemently deny these charges if she read them, concocting whatever excuse she can come up with; but the truth stands.
That woman does not have much love in her. No wonder she craves it. No wonder we magically get back together so often.
I badly want to give it, but not like this.
Not to someone who does not appreciate it.
Man. This makes me sound selfish, and that's another issue. Can I possibly love unconditionally and not want anything in return? Aren't such things naturally reciprocated?
Or am I missing something important here?
Am I being blown about by my selfish desires?
I don't know. I...
Don't know.
Any outsider would look at us and tell me to leave and run as far away from Fola as possible. It has been four instances of the three of Swords so far. How many more signs will I need?
Heartbreak. Pain. Betrayal.
But it doesn't have to end that way. Not unless I allow it.
And boy, am I doing my best not to allow her to break me.
In this way, I am grateful. She's changing me. She's making me stronger and dragging me to a greater depth and understanding by causing me these pains. Making me confront my insecurities. Making me question my worth.
Ideally, I will overcome all that and emerge stronger and more capable and deserving of the one I'm truly meant to be with.
Unless it's her. Maybe it'll take years for us to stabalize.
Maybe it'll never happen.
Again, I don't know what the big guy upstairs has planned. Or the higher self version. Whoever arranged for these lessons to take place.
Hmm. Love myself first and foremost.
Have no expectations.
Be of service to others and Truth.
Honor each as fully as I can.
Hmm. But with Fola... Is my "lesson" to give up on her, or to keep going and trying and evolving, no matter how painful it gets?
That I still have yet to find out.
All things in time.
What a journey this has been. What a ride.
Hmm.
Yeah. I don't know what to do other than follow my heart more than my head. And I am burdened with the belief that people can change.
But only if they truly desire to redeem themselves.
And Fola has me thinking that maybe she does, and maybe she can't.
I'm stuck in a grey area at the moment. I don't know what a definitive answer or conclusion is supposed to look like.
Guess we'll see.
Keeping my faith alive, regardless of how much it has been made to tremble.
Easier said than done, but I admit that I have been doing a decent job of it lately.
I can't fault myself for trying.
What an opportunity this is. To achieve what specifically, I don't know.
But it's still an incredible opportunity for personal transformation and a shot at love.
Exactly the two things I most want.
I'm on a see-saw. Going up and down.
And Fola is right across from me. Smiling that smile.
My friend and my enemy rolled into one.
The devil in disguise.
Or a blessing.
Either way, it's an opportunity.
And I am immensely grateful for having it.
Let's see what happens next.
