(sighs) Thought I'd find myself a nice private spot to relax and enjoy some solitude, but then six sweaty cyclists decided to come by and stand right in front of me, blocking the view, making me feel awkward, and chatting random stuff.
Well. I don't own the park, or the bench I'm sitting on, and I certainly don't have any entitlements to how much peace and quiet I'm entitled to in public.
I'm realizing that as much as I try to love people, it's hard sometimes with situations like this. I feel like I'm not completely a tolerant person. I suppose I do have selfishness in me, wanting to be alone and feeling resentful that it's being infringed upon.
I do try, though. I'm typing this now to keep busy, because I can't enjoy the skyline with these guys around. Can't enjoy the quiet. Can't enjoy the solitude.
Oh well. They will likely leave soon, and I'll be back to having the spot to myself.
Its something I'm working on. Tolerance. Being comfortable with where I am, despite the situation. Able to find peace even inside of chaos. Able to...
Hmm. Able to forgive.
Thought about Fola a bit today. Really not much, but some.
I do miss that crazy chick. Wish we could have been different. Wish we could have gotten along with each other.
Looked at her YouTube channel for the first time in a while. Music videos. And some law of attraction stuff. Nothing revealing. Finally saw she liked some tarot readings, so, looks like she's searching for answers again.
Earlier today while geeking out on Battlefront, I felt the glow come from my chest, and I was wondering what caused that. Fola? Or something else?
I keep thinking that maybe those feelings are aroused by something I do not understand or have suspected. Like, there is an external influence somewhere, because I don't understand why these feelings come at certain times. If it's not Fola, then what is it?
My higher self? My true twin flame? God?
I don't know, but I wish I could.
I wish I knew. Wish I could see the future. Wish something could reassure me and tell me that all is well, and to continue being patient and working on myself.
Keep believing that good things are still to come.
Mm. Bit of a third eye happening now. Cyclists have moved away from in front, to the far right. Out of sight. I'm puffing on my vape, and feeling a little zoned. Not sure if that is the right word.
Whew. They're gone now. I'm back to being alone.
Going to take a minute here to enjoy it.
So, yeah. Thinking. Thinking about how I can't seem to figure out where I fit in this world. Thinking about how I have a lot to offer, but not really sure how. Thinking about how lonely I have been lately, and how disconnected from the world I sometimes feel. Thinking about dogs, and how much I would like to own one. Thinking about love, and wondering when I will come across it again.
Thinking about God. And...
Yeah.
This morning I saw an older man walking a beautiful golden retriever down the street. I was pausing for a smoke outside my vehicle, watching them approach. He gave me a friendly nod, and I smiled and told him how beautiful his dog was.
"he's my buddy" he smiled. And said something else that I didn't catch.
"I know," I said, smiling. "I wish I had one like that."
And that is the truth. I wish I did. I wish I had a furry friend that I could spend time with. Not a cat, but something more giving. More loving, obedient. Fun.
A dog.
(sighs)
Skyline looks gorgeous right now. It's truly a beautiful world in which I live. Despite how I feel on certain days, I am aware that nothing has changed each time the sun rises. No matter what is on the news, or what setbacks I'm experiencing, or how lonely or excited or sad or happy I am...
The world will always be beautiful.
No matter what.
Thank you for creating all this.
Whoever you may be.
