Why? Because Fola wanted to go, that's why. It was a destination we've been talking about off and on for a while, ever since we found out that it was an energy "vortex" on the scale of Sedona, Arizona, so we were both curious about it. Last week she said she was going to go on her own, and take today and tomorrow off.
Yeah, I know. We broke up. Again. So I didn't go with her, obviously, but I can't deny that I didn't have the thought in my mind that I might run into her while there.
After a long drive of listening to the Higher Side podcast ("the universe blinks out of existence a trillion times per second! Only consciousness remains! I've got the maths!") I ended up at this provincial park area and was kind of underwhelmed.
No one was there. Well, except for this one guy who was fishing at the end of this trail, here. Which looked nice enough for me to take a picture of.
It didn't "feel" right for me to plop down my chair and enjoy my afternoon here. I certainly wasn't feeling any "vortexes" that may be around; so I decided to check out an adjacent park about a half hour away.
That's more like it, I thought. Just driving in felt uplifting. The trees seemed to speak their own kind of language as I rumbled by on the gravel road. The sun was shining. Everything was warm and it was perfect weather. Taking off my sandals, I let out an "ahhh" of contentment as I could feel warm grains sliding over my instep and between my toes.
Decided to put up the ol' chair right there and then. Not a single bit of hesitation.
Yep. Yep. I felt really at peace here.
Brought along a couple of books. One of them is called "Sun of God" and it's this non-fiction book about how the sun might have its own consciousness. I've read it before already, but thought it was worth paging through in case I felt like it.You know, it being sunny outside and all.
The other one, was Valkyries by Paulo Coelho. I like that guy. Read three or four of his books already. This one was the first novel he's written, apparently, based on a "true" story. The plot had to do with him travelling to the Mojave desert with his wife in order to speak to angels. Yup. The guy believes in angels. According to the book, there are four types of spirits:
Elementals (trees, wind, sun, etc)
Disembodied spirits (ghosts, deceased dudes, etc)
Saints (the "masters" who we can learn from by imitation or access through prayer)
and lastly, Angels. Which one of the characters in the book described as, "love in motion". Thought that was interesting.
And I started reading Valkyries. Really reading it. Made it up to page.. 65 I believe.. before deciding to take a break.
There was no one on that beach. Not a single soul. Couple of boats in the water in the distance, but I was completely and utterly alone.
As I laid the book down and thought about what I read so far, I silently said to myself:
"I wish I could believe in angels. That they are real. If they are, please give me a sign."
And just then, this bumble bee flew by in front of my face.
"A more obvious sign than that. Please."
And closed my eyes, listening to this hour-long Tibetan singing bowls track on my phone.
After maybe... hmm. Ten minutes or so, I'm hearing the "ding... dong...." of the bowls and mixed among them was an unfamiliar sound.
"Hello..!" the voice called out.
I paused the track and turned across in my chair to see where it was coming from.
Before me, was a beautiful blond young woman dressed in a black straw hat that had a daisy pinned on the front. She wore a white dress, had light sunglasses and a very fetching smile.
It took me a few seconds to collect myself before we began to talk.
She was... uhm.. Okay, call me naive but as I wrote in my blog the past few posts, I keep making mention of the love of my life appearing out of nowhere. Trina the flea market psychic has told me about some young blond woman due to arrive in my life unexpectedly, and although I am not completely convinced that it will happen, I have been paying extra attention to blond women in the past while.
Oh my God, I thought. Looking her up and down.
Is it her?
Although I wasn't dumbstruck, I had this thought immediately pop into my mind, and that is when she asked me a question.
"Have you seen an older bald-ish looking man anywhere?"
I'm looking around at the empty beach. Having been here a couple hours already, reading my book, I've not seen a single soul. I laughed at her question, wondering if she was somewhat serious or not.
"An old bald man, you say?" I smiled, looking up and down the area. "It's a pretty big place. Are you sure he's around here?"
He was, she said. Somewhere in the area. It was her dad she was looking for, and... strangely enough, she had no idea where he was. I asked if he had a phone, he did not.
"Oh, one of those guys," I smiled. "You really should put a dog-collar on him with a GPS."
My attempt at humor was a short-lived distraction from the thoughts I was having about whether or not she is the "one" because.. wow.. she sure seemed to fit the bill. Especially after further conversation revealed she and her family had a wedding to go to and she said she was unmarried.
"Do you believe in soulmates or twin-flames?" I ventured. She shook her head. I then felt that because she told me she was unmarried and single, I then had to tell her that I was recently broken up and single from an intense "soulmate" relationship. I still kept wondering if she was the "one" or not, and tried to figure out how the hell could I segue into exchanging numbers with her.
But, alas, that did not happen. As fun as our conversation was, it was short. She really was looking for her dad. She introduced herself as "Taren" and was the first to reach out and shake my hand. I was still kind of flabbergasted. Is this the part where we exchange numbers? I mean, she touched my hand! The connection was made!
Nope, nope no. It was not as deep or electric a connection I was hoping for. After a few minutes, she apologized for interrupting and went off on her way. I said it was nice to meet her, and that was that.
(sighs) .. I looked up at the sun, projecting "God" onto it and smiling to myself.
"False alarm, but nice try buddy. You got me good."
As I sat there for a few more minutes, something clicked in me as I glanced down on the ground at the book I was reading.
Angels... Hmm.
I did ask for a sign.
There was no one else around.
And when I looked, she was gone as quickly as she appeared.
You know... many people would look at this as a "coincidence" and dismiss it. But, what if it was not a coincidence? There are only two ways of reacting to this woman's sudden presence.
Either it was a fluke that she came about shortly after I had asked for a sign.
Or it really was a sign.
The interesting thing about moments like this, is that they force you into a decision. You either believe it or you don't. You can either withdraw/suppress faith, or you revel in it. You buttress it.
You realize that your call has been answered in a very mundane, but profound sort of way.
That is, if you don't believe in coincidences.
So, yes. Once I made that connection, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. Soft gentle ones, and I remembered thinking, "that was a sign, wasn't it? I am not ignorant or stupid. I have taken notice of it. I will not call it a coincidence."
And...(sighs)
Yeah.
Gave whoever was responsible a lot of gratitude.
Gave whoever was responsible a lot of gratitude.
I couldn't stay on the beach much longer after that. It felt wrong to go back to reading or listening to ahem.. singing bowls, so I packed everything back up in the car and went for a walk down the shore.
It was such a nice day.
Eventually I hit the end, and saw this barbed fence.
That stick was something I found to insert my sandals through. I didn't want to carry them between my fingers. Thought holding a stick would be more comfortable, and it was.
Made my way back, had a bit of food, and then left for home.
Took a different route, and after about an hour, saw this sign here:
Driedmeat Lake. Weird ass name for a lake, I thought. Parking my vehicle to have a look around, because why not? I wanted to see if there really was dried meat someplace there. Also, that bridge looked pretty cool. Thought I'd explore the area.
Saw a lot of ducks in the water, who scattered when I approached. Again, nobody around, so I went underneath that bridge to take some shade and sat down with my vape. Listening to the sporadic bits of traffic passing overhead, shaking the metal beams furiously with each approach.
Looked pretty, right? It was.
Okay.. since this is a private blog, I'll confess something that is uhm.. not something I'd tell anyone.
As I sat under the bridge, looking at the water and feeling deeply alive; I began.. having urges.
Now.. I am not the sort that gets worked up easily, but I began thinking about Fola and how if she came with me, I would definitely have sex with her underneath this bridge. There was no one around for miles, and although there were distant gunshots and noisy cars; all I could see were cows and birds.
So, yeah. The urge came in. The last time I had an "urge" like this, also involved Fola and curiously enough when I told her about this; I remembered waking up at around 11 or so in the morning, and began masturbating. Couldn't explain why, but I did. And telling Fola this, revealed that she too was masturbating and was thinking about me while doing it.
As I .. ahem.. was doing just then. Thinking about having sex with her underneath this bridge was getting me worked up. And as I looked around, making extra-sure that no one was around; I peeled off the belt from my shorts and began sliding my hand up and down.
Yeah, not my finest hour. But the mood was right. The urge was there. It had to be done.
Fantastic orgasm. Didn't take me long to achieve either, maybe three or four minutes. I was considerate enough to empty myself into a spot where no one was likely to step in it or see it.
Hrmph.
I'm pretty sure Fola must have been doing something at the same time I was. We are linked.
Pretty darn sure we are linked. 100%, even if I can't correctly interpret the feelings most of the time. Sometimes it feels good, other times it feels annoying.
Sensations vary, too. Between the eyes. Back of the head. Around the temples. Warmth in the heart, or a sinking sensation in the heart. Etc.
Too bad we couldn't stay together long enough to figure that all out. She'd rather break up over a YouTube video than to bring harmony and love into the relationship. Like she made many promises to do.
Hmm.
So from here, I figured I would drop off this pillow I bought her last week. Hoping to give it to her on her break, but we never did get to meet on her break and I had this thing sitting in my car for almost a week now.
She didn't give me her sister's address, but she did give me the GPS coordinates at one point; and as I entered the area, I spotted her car.
This feeling of.. anger.. kind of welled up in me when I stopped next to her vehicle, and walked out to retrieve the pillow from the back.
Should I really be doing this? I thought. But I did buy her that pillow, and I didn't want to throw it away.
Still, though. I kind of angrily tossed it onto the hood of her car, and left. It was hovering on the edge too. Pretty haphazard placement.
Guess I didn't care about it really. Just wanted to get rid of this last thing I had to give her.
And.. stopped at Cobb's bread. Picked up a cinnamon bun with icing, an apple danish, garlic pizza and garlic bread. Great place. I haven't been in there before and Fola mentioned it a few times. Her sister Sade actually picked out a nice area to move into. All brand new homes and shops.
Never did get to see her place, though.
So...
Yeah.
Got myself a coffee, drove home and here I am. Making sure I write this story down in case I forget some of the details.
That angel...
I am so grateful for her appearance.
False alarm on the true love front, but still...
I was listened to.
I do feel that.
Hmm.
Wish I could feel more overjoyed at her appearance. I mean, it was an answer. Why aren't I ecstatic?
Because I've been through a lot, that's why.
It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if I am sure to be catching glimpses of it.
I...
Yeah.
I shouldn't make demands.
If there are angels, and if I happen to have a guardian angel and it listened to me that day.
Then...
It knows what to do. It knows what I want.
Just as I was on that beach, just before stopping what I was reading, I left off on this page. Page 65:
It described the four types of spirits. Didn't finish this before I had the urge to close my eyes briefly.
After the lady (angel) left, I read a few more pages and decided to end it here:
That text was pretty important. It discussed how Paulo was unconvinced that this normal "truck driver" was the manifestation of an angel, but the other character, Gene, is trying to convince Paulo that it really was an angel.
"Your angel used that man. He must have been caused to leave his home early -- something may have changed in his routine, altering everything so that he could be there just at the moment that you needed him. That is a miracle. Do not try to reject it as a common event."
(sighs)
It's true. It's all true.
It answered the trace of doubt I had about the appearance of that woman. Like, immediately after I began having it.
When I finished this chapter, I decided to randomly page through the Sun of God to see if a similar "coincidence" would crop up.
Flipping to a random page, the first paragraph I read was from where it said, "communicating"
And it discussed communication with unseen entities. And how it used to be thought of as "normal".
Yeah. I get it angels. God. The Creator. Yahweh. However you wish to be described as, or whoever you are that is responsible.
I get it.
I am watched over.
I am loved.
And I deeply appreciate the signs you have given me. Although I do question some of them. Like the Three of Swords, and wondering if false signs can be manifested as well as true ones, because I really don't know.
Yet, I am still on my quest. I still need to figure out the best way to live my life so that I can make the best use of my abilities and talents and interests.
I still need to find and be with the one I love and am loved by.
I still need to heal my family. Myself. And anyone who needs my help, if I am capable of giving it to them.
I know I can do great things. I know I WILL be doing great things.
And I try to remain humble. I do not wish to demand things, but I will make my demands known. I will express my desires. I will exhibit gratitude. I will always be willing to serve.
I will do my best to remain open. In heart, mind and spirit.
No matter what gets thrown at me.
False twin flames.
A dwindling bank account.
Confusion. Loss of direction and purpose.
Whatever may come my way. Although I have already dealt with these things, and I am still dealing with these things.
Every day I am having my faith tested.
Every night I continue to pray in earnest.
And with love.
Confessing my heart to whatever is able to hear it.
An angel.
A God.
Or the higher-self/God/angel within me.
It doesn't matter who I am directing these thoughts towards.
They are being received.
And that is all that matters.
I love you. Whoever or whatever it may be, that is this invisible part of my everyday life.
Guiding me to where I must be.
Bringing towards me the people and experiences I need.
To evolve. To grow more aware, more in tune with Truth, Beauty & Love.
The three most important things in the entire universe.
Nothing matters more than these three.
Nothing.
And I wish to know each of them as deeply as possible.
And I will.
Someday.
Because I am being watched.
I am being loved.
And I am willing to love in return.
Thanks again guys.
Whoever you are.
Still going strong.
Still willing to learn.
Thank you.
I will carry on.
I will carry on.
