Bound

(from yesterday) 11:11:11. Nice.

Second post today, and boy, am I hooped.

Temporarily, anyways.

I'm in intellectual and spiritual confusion, my friends. My "third eye" has been.. feeling like pressure is on it, but I'm not feeling heightened intuition which is normally a product of it. So, it can't be that; or intuition/divine connection may not actually originate from somewhere between the eyes. I've experimented with that today, and told God to "guide me" where my intuition takes me.

It took me downtown, to Ascendant Books. I bought Himalayan bath salts there. 

And there was a really pretty brunette that I tried to catch the eye of. No dice.

Didn't bother stopping into Remedy, and during the entire drive; I kept looking for the "car". That red car. Which is doubly-sad, because I now have Georgina and Fola both attached to it. So my head is swiveling at every red car that passes me on the road, just about.

Hm. Again, intuition. So.. I couldn't get any "feelings" from what I was supposed to be doing or where I was going. I tried to block out a destination in my mind after I left the bookstore. Originally, I had thought to visit the Legislature grounds and go for a walk; but that didn't work out. My "intuition" led me to the old Royal Alberta Museum, where I parked and thought I would go for a walk.

Saw a path nearby and took it, it certainly looked inviting enough:

But then I saw this, about ten seconds from where I started:

Heck if I am going to make my way down a slope that steep. No thanks. (note: picture wasn't taken at the steepest angle) So, I went back up the hill and looked at this thing for awhile:

And then went back inside the car. To sit and think.

Those physical sensations I am experiencing are so difficult to make sense of. Inside of my left ear it feels like an "energetic" pressure, some bit of pressure between the eyes, and this is a little strange, but instead of a warm glowing sensation from the chest (which is good), I'm feeling something close to that but not quite. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe a bit of a constriction? Either that, or more of a refined "warmth" to where it feels almost sharp. 

So hard to explain. I am self-aware by nature, so I pay attention to all these inconsequential details. 

Except they're not inconsequential. They're clues. Clues that once understood, can help unravel the confusion that I find myself bound inside of.

In the car, I again was having so many thoughts of her that I felt compelled to look up more information on Twin Flames. Re-reading old material and re-watching old videos.

Still doesn't make any sense. So much contradictory information. Ralph Smart would say that your "true" Twin Flame mirrors your best qualities, while your false one does not. And to this I can only think: "Well, she brought out the intellectual, perceptive and passionate side of myself, but she also brought out the neediness in me. The angry side of me that is rarely shown, also."

I rarely get mad or upset, but boy, was she ever good at pushing my buttons just the right way. Starting arguments over nothing. Petty, childish behavior. Immature. Selfish. Self-centered.

Ugh.

She can't possibly be my Twin Flame, I'm reasoning, while looking at articles that seem to suggest she is, and other articles that says she is not.

I'm looking at soulmates and karmic relationships, and everyone has a different opinion or borrows from the same source that the article is identical to something I had already read elsewhere.

I realized then, that I can't just... Go by anyone else's opinion. I've tried prayer, I've tried pleading for answers; and I am not sure if I received any.

I am going to take this opportunity to re-state a few facts:

1) Fola was poly when we met. Shortly after sleeping with me, she stopped sleeping with other people. Including her own husband. She made mention to me at one point, that she tried to get physical with Larry; but "something" was preventing her from doing so, and her heart area felt tight and constricted. It was too "painful" to have sex.

That one is an interesting fact. Twin Flames do feel like they're "cheating" on each other when they are with other people. I've felt that with Andee, and Fola has felt that really early on in our relationship with her own husband.

2) She did NOT "mirror" me in ways that I could agree upon as mirroring my own core values and beliefs and ideas. That is indicative of a FALSE twin flame, when she is not wanting to be monogamous, hates the idea of labels and conformity. Did not want to ever be married again (but later said it was a possibility, sighs). Did not want more kids. Did not give as much as I was giving her. Did not seem to like dogs, or banana splits, or Elvis or retro stuff. Did NOT like America's Got Talent (sheesh). 

And so #2 seems in contradiction to the Twin Flames dynamic. Not much in the way of shared values, although we shared other common interests. Such as music and spirituality.

3) She was argumentative over the most petty of things. The YouTube video. The diner in Arizona that she resented having to go to, despite telling me that she is "okay" with doing whatever I had planned. She seemed to refuse sex that one night when Ryan was over, out of spite; and made me not want to have it with her in the morning. She did not work towards increasing harmony, love or vulnerability in our relationship. She did not seem to take it as seriously as I was taking it. She would make dates to meet, and break them. With or without reasons. And is easily distracted by other things despite any of the plans we may have made. Such as that invite to the party.

#3 Does not sound like a Twin Flame dynamic to me. Definitely not, right?

4) This is the big one for me, but Fola refused to really "open" herself up. She could not be vulnerable around me, it seems, and tried to later say that she didn't feel "secure" which was a joke, because that was something she said many months later, when she always had trouble being vulnerable around me from almost the very beginning. Despite my sharing all the vulnerability I could with her. And also, this is important to note, but I felt a bit insecure around her too. I didn't feel like I could completely trust her, and so I held back on expressing certain things or telling her certain stories of my past.

#4 Does not sound like a Twin Flame dynamic. There needs to be mutual trust. Or at least earnest attempts on BOTH of our parts to increase it. But just like with the psychic reading she wouldn't tell me about on our trip to Arizona, or any of the Reiki symbols she's learned, or sharing any of her journal entries with me despite sharing my own. Getting to the root of who she is, was a battle that was difficult to win. She once told me that I "projected" depth onto her that wasn't there, but when I asked if I could read some pages of her journal, she said no. And I'm pretty sure that there was plenty of depth to be had. I am expected to share my heartfelt thoughts, but not her? Not a Twin Flame.

5) Sex was unreal. The eye gazing was long and profound. The touches were amazing. There were times we almost felt like "one" being. Conversation was easy and frequent and the silences inbetween were comforting and serene. 

Sounds like Twin Flames to me.

6) Her capacity to love was weak. This is the part that is tripping me up a little. Because from what I understand about the heart chakra within Twin Flames; one is usually more loving than the other, and that more loving person helps the other "open" up their capacity to love.

I don't think I was able to quite do that with her. But I am reminded of how she reported chest pains early on in our relationship. As if it was expanding like a balloon that was about the burst. That part is interesting. It may signify the true purpose of our relationship, for me to come along and help do that for her. To open her up. Both her heart and her eyes to new possibilities. As a poly who claimed she could "love" multiple people; it made sense that her definition of love was skewed, and I was the one who had to come along and show her how it was done. Or how it was supposed to be, even if she refused to play along as well as I was. Even if she refused to be as open and trusting towards me, as I was to her.

#6 is to me, another very important clue as to the nature of our relationship. I'm on the fence with this one. Was that all that was supposed to have been done on my part? To play my role in helping her realize a better version of who she is and prepare her for someone else down the line? Or was I preparing her for me? Her Twin Flame? I don't know, but we aren't together now and I am unsure as to what circumstances will be bringing us back together again. If we ever do. 

I am reasoning that if God does exist, he has looked inside the hearts of both of us and will bring about the best resolution possible, should we both be appealing towards it. Perhaps we are meant to be together, but neither of us are ready. If that is the case, then it is simply a matter of patience and working on keeping myself happy and content with what I have right now. Hopefully working towards my life purpose, whatever that happens to be.

Hmm.. What other facts are there... Well, I didn't like how she treated her dog, or how she acted around her child almost as if she was embarrassed to be her mother... That's not how I would treat my dog or my child, but then again, I am neither a jaded pet owner or a father, so I do not know for sure how I would be affected after enough time with a dog or a child.

Karmic relationship.. Heh.. Soulmates.. double heh.

I don't know anymore man.

I'm trying to feel into my soul on this, and these strange physical sensations aren't helping me. I am wondering if she is thinking of me. I am wondering if I have done something wrong. I am wondering if we are meant to be. I am wondering if the right one for me is elsewhere and soon to arrive.

Just wondering, wondering wondering.

Because of the Tarot cards that revealed "soulmates" + "karmic debt" + "Atlantis" that I did at Sundra Healing; I am wondering. Was there a Twin Flames card in that deck? I'm going to have to check to make sure. If so, then Fola and I are soulmates who shared a profound connection and my real Twin Flame is elsewhere, I suppose.

And there are more than one soulmates out there.

Apparently.

Never did experience anything with anyone like I have with Fola, though.

Even Lauren and I didn't have conversations like that. I'm glad I recorded some of them. Was tempted to put them onto my phone so I could listen to a few of those.

But, do I really want to be constantly thinking of her? I don't. Again, I don't want to fight these thoughts either. But they aren't leaving me alone. They come and go, and so does the doubt. The questions. The constant wondering.

I think I need to make some serious effort to meditate regularly again. I don't know what else I can do. Meditate and pray on a daily basis. 

Hope that eventually I will find the answers. Or the right person, who will be the answer herself.

If this was a relationship that was meant to be, then it still would be. We would still be together.

Right?

If she really wanted to be with me, then she would be. She would try to make things work. 

But, she didn't and she does not seem to want to. No matter how many arguments we've had. Talking amounts to nothing if you do not learn from the past. I don't think she's apologized much for anything of what she has done. In my opinion, a "sorry" in text form, isn't the most sincerest and believable apology for anything. Action is.

She was all talk, and little action. Although there was some action. Just not much.

(sighs)

I really need to let her go. She wasn't good for me, but she COULD have been good for me. That is the part I am struggling with. And the other part is thinking that she will be good for me LATER down the road. Should she happen to evolve her perspective and capacity for love and the expression of it.

But.. 

(sighs)

Yeah. 

My God, she was so clueless at times. So inconsiderate and without empathy. Didn't appreciate our connection. Completely was taking it for granted, like some exciting sort of thing that she didn't have to take any responsibility for nurturing and growing.

She was into the dark shit. She wanted rituals. Thought Aleister Crowley was "misunderstood" despite him having fucked a bunch of pubescent kids and died penniless and alone.

What a.. cold person she is.

She was not mirroring me at all.

I had to explain everything to her. Any normal person with empathy wouldn't have to be explained why going over to some guy's house alone while I am home in a bad mood, having taken a day off work; is a BAD idea, when she should offer to come and cheer me up.

Man... 

Okay. This can't be my Twin Flame. I can't possibly...

Hoo, boy.

There's that doubt again.

Hmm.

Not every day is going to be like this, but today certainly is.

I need to take a salt bath. Meditate. I'm going to try turning vegan for a while. Get myself in as high of an alignment as possible. Maybe yoga. Every little thing that can bring me closer to the Truth or to my real Twin Flame; is worth attempting.

Anything that can bring me closer to God, will be pursued. Should I be able to convince myself of their benefit.

Well.

Here goes nothing.