No contact with Fola, as expected, but I expect that it can't go forever. She still owes me money, and I'm sure she will show up at some point. If not, then that's fine as well.
Thought about her quite a bit for some reason, from around.. hmm.. 9:30pm-11pm I believe. Interesting how she popped into my mind and I started feeling physical sensations. Clearly this meant that she was thinking about me. It being a full moon out tonight at Elk Island Park; I figured she was doing a ritual of some kind, like she usually would. Perhaps meditation. Or just thinking. I don't know.
Funny thing also, is that when those thoughts of her arrived, I began talking to myself. Really was firm and decisive about my reasons for breaking up with her (again) and justifying it all. I really came about to the correct conclusion, that even if she was my Twin Flame, I did everything I could to honor our connection. I did all that I could to love her fully and completely and unconditionally. Really, no regrets. I had to remind myself of how irrational she was by going over moments in our relationship that pointed to her getting angry for no reason she could explain. Eventually we figured (and she agreed) that her ego was afraid of "death" or transformation, or whatever it was threatened by, and that anger of hers was a defense mechanism of sorts.
Fair enough, but I am through with her being unable to trust me. Her apparent "twin" as she seems to think we are.
If you can't trust your twin, or if you can't trust your regular non-twin partner in a relationship; then there is no point to having that relationship. It is not going to be moving forward. It is not going to be improving or getting better when one person is trusting, and the other is not.
Or the other sabotages trust, which is what I earnestly feel she has done. You can't get irrationally angry and not explain with honesty and in detail, why that was so. You can't claim hurt feelings over my not watching a video that was sent to me; and ignore the hurt feelings you yourself, are responsible for causing. Not just once, but many many times.
There's no love in our relationship. It was all one-sided. I believe Fola when she told me that I was loved more than anyone else she has been with, but I just didn't see it. I mean.. I am sympathetic to a point, but I have to see love being demonstrated, and it was not demonstrated to the extent that I am satisfied with. Worst yet, I had to solicit that answer from her by asking specifically where I ranked on the "love" scale across all of her relationships. She should just tell me something like that instead of my having to interrogate her.
I consider myself an intuitive and sensitive human being. I pick up things. I read body language. I know that when someone comes by to make me breakfast (positive), it is very different when they show up at your door with a neutral or sour expression on their faces and do not seem especially interested in being there (negative). No welcoming hug, or kiss, either.
I've always had to initiate physical intimacy. Pretty much 95% of the time, anyways.
As I was sitting in my car at Elk Island, looking at the full moon; I felt compelled to look up twin flames again. I really am not sure if she is a false twin, a real twin, a soulmate or a karmic twin/relationship/misc/etc.
So I took some tests. Here are screen captures of those:
Not sure about the clearing and healing of blocks on my end, but okay. Still seems more realistic of a result than the first one was.
Test number 3.
Worst part about that is how I am fated to be unhappy if I don't re-establish a connection with her again. That I am throwing away someone who is important and able to make me happy.
Come on, son.
Test number 4.
50-50 chance, really.
I really went over our relationship in my head. I can't... be with someone like her. If we are going to start a fight over my not watching a YouTube video, how the hell can we overcome greater challenges down the road? She would rather blurt out her anger at me, than to step aside and ask herself why she is feeling that way. Like I did, when she promised to keep me updated about going for a meal during her break. I felt hurt that she didn't update me like she said she would, but I didn't make a big deal of it. I kept my composure. I bit my tongue.
She... Yeah. No. She has a LOT of inner-work to do if she is actually my twin flame. LOTS. And if she really is a narcissist (I believe so, borderline anyways), then what hope is there for our relationship to survive if she cannot feel empathy towards me?
How can you develop such a quality when you have no idea what it really is? I still remember how she couldn't define the word to me, and said she had a "paper" in her car that explained the definition of it.
And her not being able to define "love" either, had me deeply concerned at one point. Not like I wasn't demonstrating it to her often enough. And I know she knows that I loved her.
There's no confusion there. I did everything I could.
No regrets.
So, yeah. I had to.. go through this mental debate with myself by holding a monologue to really try and make sure I am taking responsibility for anything that I may have done wrong. And I couldn't come up with much. I forgave her multiple times. I tried biting my tongue, and that did not work. I tried speaking it, and that did not work either.
Nothing really worked with her. Give her unconditional love? Best sex of her life? Communication? Chemistry? None of those things seem to matter much when the next day arrives. Or the next hour, because they fade so quickly with her. To her, I was like a roller-coaster ride and she just wanted to get back on the ride again rather than enjoy the feelings it left her with.
Anyways. Pretty tired of talking about her on my blog. I am not going to repress thoughts of her when they come, because resistance is persistence. The more I refuse to deal with these thoughts and feelings, the deeper they entrench themselves. If I have these thoughts, I'll acknowledge them. Those physical sensations, like the pain of separation; I'll acknowledge them as well.
No resistance. I will not fight against my own self.
So.. As I was having this monologue, I spoke to the Creator and thanked it for bringing me Fola. I also told it that I was ready for the next step or the next person, and that I would be okay with having a soulmate for a girlfriend/potential wife; than a twin-flame, if that is what Fola actually is.
I really don't think she is the right person for me. From my studying, I know she is supposed to mirror my insecurities and such; but I am tired of it. I don't feel like I am growing as a result of this "mirroring" and if there was a lesson to be learned on my end, it was to stand up for my beliefs and to have self-respect.
To know my worth.
So, yeah. I have no regrets about the way I conducted myself. I really don't. There is nothing I can point to that makes me think, "I should have done that differently" because I believe I did the best that I could. I brought my very best into this relationship, and it was.. disrespected.
Wasn't reciprocated. Twin Flame or not. I don't give a shit. Emotional abuse is emotional abuse. It is not "healing" or "mirroring" or some painful process by which we grow. I have been whole when I met Fola. I was ready for her. I was happy and comfortable and at peace with myself.
Then she turned my world upside down.
And I righted it back up.
Yeah, I'm not sad. Disappointed. Greatly. But not sad at all.
Not anymore.
I remain grateful for the experience. And I look forward to meeting my true Twin Flame someday. Or just a regular old soulmate. Someone who at least shares the same values as I do. Which is apparently what Twin Flames are supposed to have in common. Fola does not share those values. My strong belief in being monogamous was certainly not shared.
Among other values.
Oh well. Gave it my best shot.
Now, the power of manifestation. As I was driving to Elk Island, I was thinking, "hey, I haven't seen a bison around all summer. Wish I could see one before it ends."
Until some asshole in a noisy fucking truck decided to stomp down on the pedal as it slowed next to him and sped away. Causing this poor fucking Bison to go into a bit of a panic and run the opposite way.
Fucking assholes. Didn't have to gun the engine like that. Loud ass truck too.
But, as I remained parked, he eventually came back the other way again. Towards me, and passed me by. Quite serenely. Very much with this kind of... nobility that I admired seeing. Such a handsome animal. I was really touched by the way it walked and held itself. If that makes any sense.
Well. Hmm. Nothing much else to report on. Was supposed to have Michelle come over for dinner today, but for the second time in a row, she excused herself. That's fine, I'm not going to force her to see me. I understand now that forcing people doesn't work. I don't feel as hurt or rejected, either.
So, that's good. Maybe that was the lesson I was supposed to learn with Fola.
Don't take rejection personally. Don't give in so easily to hurt. Know your value. Believe in your worth.
And good things will come. Deserving things. Deserving people.
A deserving girlfriend.
A loving wife.
A decent human being who isn't into polyamory, who loves her child, who cares about me and initiates hugs and kisses and smiles.
Someone who isn't going to take me for granted as easily as Fola did,
Someone who will appreciate the love and attention I plan on ravishing her with. And being ravished in return.
A love that feels like love. Not a love that feels immature and one-sided.
A love based on false promises and hopes, rather than a love that is undeniable and unshakeable.
Yeah. That's my kind of love.
The kind that you can't ever be confused about.
The kind that you will lay down your life for.
The kind that makes you want to introduce this person to your mother. Which is another thing that I find interesting about Fola. I did not want her to meet my mom for some reason. I've only ever introduced three women to her. Michelle, Lauren and Georgina.
Of those three, only Georgina was the one I felt most proud about. I felt very safe and secure with her. I knew my mother would like her.
Gina was a good person. Probably the best one I have ever known.
Yeah, so... she's gone. Never coming back. At least I don't see how she would.
I believe the universe is conspiring in my favor. I had to be with Georgina to know how easily I take a good person for granted. And I had to be with Fola to realize how much I need to respect myself and to take a stand where needed.
Both in combination is preparing me for someone great.
That great love of which I seek.
The woman of my dreams.
Whoever and wherever she is.
I know she is here.
I just know it.
When will I get to meet her, God?
A week from now? A month? A year?
I feel re.. I am ready.
I am ready to meet her.
Mm.. maybe give it another week, at least.
Just to make sure Fola fades away from my thoughts. I don't know if a week will be enough, but I already think it has been. I don't feel enslaved by her. I don't feel... heartbreak or remorse or betrayal.
I feel pretty good :)
And I think remembering how it was with Lauren, that I managed to break the cycle. The pattern of thinking that I am not good enough and that women cannot be trusted.
They can be trusted. I am good enough.
I am ready, God.
Tell her to step out from the shadows.
And show herself.
My arms are open wide.
And so is my heart.
Thank you.
