It's not easy standing up for myself and what I believe in, let me tell you.
One of the harder things I've been having to deal with, is asking myself whether or not I am a good person. When I think about how things went with Fola, I keep wondering if I did something wrong. If I reacted too strongly and inappropriately to some of the things she had done to me.
I feel that... I reacted as.. authentically as I could. I mean, I could have been more detached, more considerate, more.. accepting; and I wasn't at times.
That relationship was such a battle. It was the true test of my spirit. When we started off, everything was magical. Everything was... Everything about myself was how I wanted it to be, more or less. I was in a happy place, I liked who I am, and my heart and spirit was soaring when I first met that woman
.
Until she became angry at me for no reason. Three times in a week. And that is when the testing began.
She... in essence, pulled out a weapon and pointed it at me when I was unarmed and not expecting any kind of confrontation. Everything was amazing with us, so how has this come to be? I was considerate, respectful, giving, kind and... There was no reason for her to be like this.
No reason either of us could understand, anyways. But I'm sure on a soul level, there was a good reason for her behavior. She had to test me. I needed to be tested.
Was I who I really was, or was it all a mask? That was what she needed to find out. Could I deal with adversity? Was I capable of defending myself?
I was. And I did. I ended up leaving her for two weeks. I didn't need this type of confrontation. I was insulted by it.
And yet, I knew it was necessary.
Yesterday didn't amount to very much as far as places I went to and things that I did. I decided to go to Remedy downtown, where Fola and I first met, at around lunch time. In the back of my mind I was hoping to see her there, since her new job wasn't far away.
I remember seeing a woman sitting at a table with her head turned away, and my heart lept thinking it was her. Except on closer inspection, her hair was not in dreads, and her skin was more white than brown.
It wasn't her. But the brief shock of the possibility, lingered with me for a while after that.
From there, I went to a cemetary nearby. To sit and think. I haven't been to one of them in years and the solitude was welcome and appreciated.
Listened to Joe Rogan's podcast with Brian Redban, and texted Michelle for a while. Telling her how I was fighting to keep myself from texting Fola and wishing her luck on her new job.
After about an hour here, I was lost for ideas as to where to go next. Decided I would stop at Booster Juice, and had a tuna wrap with a cucumber/pineapple/juice.
I sat in my car, observing the world around me as I ate. It was a hot sunny day and the sky was clear and blue.
Decided I would go from here to a park again. But as I was driving, I really.. didn't want to. I.. felt like.. detached. Like, I wasn't living my purpose. And I was not.
The moment that really changed me, was when I had the impulse to look at the Pinterest app I had on my phone, to see if Fola added any new pins.
My shock came when I noticed that she unfollowed me.
We used to have some boards up where we pinned pictures of things. We had boards titled, "our house" "the library" "motivation board" and "decor". Fola had taken what she felt was worth pinning, and unfollowed the boards, and myself.
That stung. And I realized then that it truly was over. Even throughout all of our breakups and fights, we still had this board going, and we sometimes would communicate indirectly by pinning something.
No more.
As I felt this.. string, having been cut and experiencing the impact of this.. disconnection, I... shrugged. I.. was a bit hurt, but at the same time, I couldn't blame her for moving on.
We dreamed of that acreage together. It was one of the rituals we performed to have such a thing manifest for ourselves.
At Hermitage Park, I went down a trail I haven't been before and found a path leading to the river. It was a steep slope, and I slipped, banging my pinky finger against a rock and splitting it open. As I type, I'm still feeling the bulge of swelling and pain in it.
Sitting down among the trees and water, I began to reflect. And that was when it happened.
I texted her, and this is what I said and truly felt:
Hi Fola. I don't know if I am blocked, but I want to tell you that I am thankful for the good times we've shared. I don't hate you. I do still love you.
It's been a rollercoaster for me this past week. I had some interesting manifestations happen, and epiphanies as well. The one I had today, was realizing that I should not have demanded from you as much as I did. I should never have tried to change or mold you. When we first met, I accepted you for who you are, until I didn't. I get bothered by someone who changed their mind often, for instance, and who takes me for granted. Those two qualities are ones one been struggling with during the course of our relationship, and I know now that it was the mirror effect. My dislikes were amplified in you, and vice versa.
I've watched that video you sent me a few days ago. I agree that the twin flame relationship cannot be easily labeled in the traditional psychological sense. I understand why you wanted me to see it. But I don't understand why you felt disrespected that I didn't. To me, it felt like you were making a big deal out of something minor. And my thought at the time was, why would you want to start an argument over that? I still don't understand it, and reacted with annoyance, instead of really figuring out why you felt that way.
So, we both have things to apologize for and to learn from. I've learned that I shouldn't expect or demand anything from my partner other than the occasional assurance that they love me. However it is expressed. And for you, you couldn't respect me for being so clingy and overly generous. I understand that compromising my own life to please yours, was not something worthy of being respected.
Been thinking of you every day. I haven't been fighting or resisting those thoughts. I try to gently push them away by reminding myself that I wasn't being given what I needed, but the thoughts of you return anyways, and I realize that I do love you and I've already forgiven you. As I've forgiven you multiple times whenever we had disagreements.
So, going forward; I don't want to leave us hanging on a sour note. I want you to fully understand that I am grateful and appreciative of you on a deep level that I cannot begin to explain. Let alone understand. I suppose in death we will each find the answer as to why that is, and what might have happened in a past life. I don't know, but it's not worth dwelling upon in this life. We just have to carry on and do our best.
I was downtown today and stopped at Remedy around noon. Kind of half hoping I would see you. And my heart lept when I did see someone that looked like you, but when she turned around, it wasn't.
This Saturday I am meeting at the home of those people you told me about at the Edmonton Theosophy Society. Thank you for telling me about them. I've been realizing that you've given me so much inspiration to try and venture out into the world and experience new things. I've lived a long chunk of my life thinking that nobody could "get" me, and that finding someone likeminded was next to impossible because of how unique I and my beliefs were. But after meeting you, I realize now that it is untrue. You do exist, and you did share my passions and my curiosity and willingness to learn. I am honored to have met you.
And I hope you had a good first day at your new job. I know you will do good things. I know you are still trying to figure yourself and life out. You will, someday. I'm sure of it.
Thank you again Fola, for sharing your life with me. We weren't perfect, but we were perfectly paired. And I can never forget the good times we've shared, and the incredible energy and chemistry and feelings between us.
My journey goes on, as does yours. And whenever you are feeling down, or out of sorts; please realize that this is all temporary. Everything is an illusion. Everything is a game, and we are the people that are playing it. The game is supposed to be challenging, otherwise there is no fun in it.
And lastly, remember me for the best of who I was and the best of who you were, when we were together. Those are the moments that need to be remembered most. Our love was and still is, real. No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that it wasn't. It was the greatest experience in my life so far, and I hope it may be something similar to you.
Take care beautiful. You'll always be mine, and I'll always be yours.
Maybe next time we'll get it right :)
Ps. Here is a picture of me from yesterday. It was actually a moment of synchronicity. There's a bit of a story involved to it, but I'm glad I took the photo when I did. Enjoy 😊
https://play.google.com/music/playlist/AMaBXyk-0mVbbxnLUPX3k4c8zCnUjmcX_SgsjK8ZtZDXy4zMEdsNl0PfTeNH3fV63hO74gR2QPmBRxnxU773AU7dgX3MVIhA1w%3D%3D
And this is a mix I made for us awhile back. Hope you like it 😊
Weakness will not be something I will be remembered for, but I hope love will be.
I did love her. I still love her.
And though she did not respond to the text, I am assuming she had read it. If not, then that is okay too.
Again... I keep wondering if I am a good person or not, and I realize that I am. Last night Michelle was texting me about how upset she was about being passed over for a promotion at work, and I really did my best to understand where she was coming from and to be supportive and helpful.
I think I did a good job of it.
Later in the evening, I decided to go down to the pier. It was dark, cool and raining a little, but I didn't want to sit in my house. I needed to be outside. I needed to commune with... something.
As I sat on a bench, listening to the wind rustle the leaves of the trees; I.. spoke. I told "God" of the challenges I've faced and am facing, and I've.. really spoke from the heart of how I was feeling. Gratitude towards Fola, and feeling truly that I have been prepared for my next relationship. And that the love of my life is on her way.
I paid close attention to the words I speak and how they make me feel. If I say something that feels untrue, there is a "clutching" in my heart, like a little squeeze that makes me understand that what I just said was untrue and wishful thinking.
I did not feel any such squeezes when I affirmed my worth and that the love of my life was soon to come.
There was a moment when I was overcome with deep emotion, that I felt compelled to kneel and pray. Yeah. Right there on the ground in the middle of the night. I gave a quick look around to make sure no one was watching, and I recited the Lord's prayer as I have been doing almost every night for most of my life.
My heart...
(sighs)
I'm getting a little choked up writing all this right now. My heart is sad, but not broken. It knows it deserves better. It wanted a better resolution between Fola and I. It wanted that relationship to work, knowing that it wasn't going to.
My future wife will not be polyamorous and married when I meet her. She will be open and available to having a monogamous relationship with me. She will want kids. She will share the same values as I do.
She will not be stringing me along to think one thing, while she does another. She has integrity. Compassion. Empathy.
She is a good person, and a woman that I will not hesitate to introduce to my mother.
Unlike Fola.
That again, is how I will measure the quality of my relationship with a woman. Whether or not I am proud enough of her to introduce her to my mom. If not, then there is something wrong. If whatever is wrong cannot be fixed; then she simply is not the right kind of woman for me.
And though our connection was so strong and magical and amazing and intense; it only tells me that such connections exist, and that if it happens once, it can happen again.
I don't know where life is taking me from here, but this morning, I decided to get a coffee and sit at another cemetery close by where I live.
Again, I reflected. And looking at the tombstones and the inscriptions; I felt overcome by the knowledge of how transitory life really is. How frail and short. I cannot be wasting my life like this, hoping for miracles to happen while standing still. I need to be proactive. I need to keep moving. I need to keep evolving and not... expect someone to come into my life to complete it.
My evolution should not stop with whoever it is that I meet. Like it did with Fola, in a sense. That all-encompassing desire to be with her. To crave her. To always want to talk with her.
I can have that desire, and not let it be the centerpiece of my life. That is not the "end" for me. That should not be my ultimate goal in life, even though I have always wanted only to love and be loved.
I also want to be of service to others. I want to do good things with my life other than to selfishly seek out this one thing. This one goal that can only benefit myself and the person I am with. And perhaps, whatever children we may have or family around us.
As important as relationships are, and they are the most important thing I truly feel; they should not be the only thing worth focusing on. Life will still go on around us, whether we are in a relationship or not. We still have a duty and obligation to fulfill during our time here on Earth. A loving relationship is a wonderful thing to have, but there are other wonderful things to pursue also.
Being a person who leaves the world a better place than they've found it, would be another of these important things to achieve.
If not the most important thing. In death, I would want my life to have meant something to people. To have left a mark of some kind. To have affected some sort of positive change that is meaningful and vast and appreciated.
When I die someday, I am hoping that my blog will survive. I want it to be public. I want people to read these thoughts and understand the depths of who I am, and that such depths are within others if only they are willing to reach deep inside of themselves to pull out their greatness for the world to see.
Every one of us, each one of our souls is a beautiful thing to behold once we step out from behind the masks we wear.
I may not know or be living whatever it is my ultimate purpose is, but I am doing my best. I am making sure to live consciously, and writing all this down is my favorite way of doing it. I am reminded daily of the things that I observe and experience and making all those fleeting and transient moments into part of a permanent record for myself, and for whomever may eventually be reading these words someday.
I could die tomorrow. I don't know what could happen. I don't know what my destiny truly is.
And if that happens, then my words will survive.
At least I hope they will.
(sighs) There are tears going down my cheeks right now. I am realizing another important thing about myself. I love being a man. I also enjoy having a feminine side to myself. And I realize that it is incredibly important to achieve balance between those energies, to be confident and assertive; but also considerate and compassionate.
Paternal and maternal. Yin and Yang in perfect harmony. Left and right hemisphere.
All fused into this one constant state of being.
Not too much of the other. Just balance. As balanced as it can get, anyways.
I also find that sometimes I express hostility at some of the strangers I see. When I am walking on a trail and smile and nod at someone who averts their eyes, or chooses not to smile/nod back; I get that little twinge of sadness in myself, and there sometimes is this hostile reaction on my part like, "what is your problem?" but then I realize, that not everybody is in that welcoming, open, warm state of being. Not everyone feels trusting of strangers. Not everyone is willing to see the goodness in others as they may (or may not) be seeing in themselves.
I should not be harsh on those kind of people. I want everyone to smile and be warm and accepting and friendly and in tune with themselves and the world; but not everybody is, and that is fine.
It would be strange if everyone was.
But it would be beautiful as well.
Well... Now that my thoughts have been committed; I have to consider what I will be doing the rest of my day. I was thinking that it is time to clean out my house. To get rid of all the stuff that I am not using or have any use for. Clothes that I rarely wear. Objects that sit about uselessly, not inspiring any kind of reaction or being used. Books that have been read, and not enjoyed. Dust that has accumulated. Glass that has not been cleaned in a while.
There is a lot of work to do here, and I should get about to doing it.
My house is a reflection of who I am. When it is in disarray and disorder, so am I. When it is unclean and filled with useless items;
