Well, I felt much better soon after posting before.
I decided I needed to go to another area of Elk Island where there wasn't as many people, and found a little back road that was blocked off to traffic.
Saw this sign there, just before the barricade.
The Pope was here! I had no idea John Paul made it out to Elk Island at one point, apparently he did.
Part of the trail I went on was where he walked, and since nobody appeared to be interested in going that way; I strapped on my backpack and went for a hike,
Ended up walking for a good half hour and saw a little clearing, decided to go in there where it would be even more isolated.
Found myself a nice spot by a tree and sat down. Listening to music and vaping.
And reading. I'm reading this book called Joshua by Joseph F. Girzone and its pretty good. A little too cloying at times, but it almost feels realistic even if the characters all seem to be overly accepting of a guy that keeps talking about God all the time.
I sat there for a nice long bit. The wind was blowing through the leaves, the sun was flickering in and out between the trees, and insects were crawling all over me. Saw a grasshopper, some ants, some other things that I don't really know what they're called. And none of it phased me as a read. Let them crawl over me, who cares. Not like any of these bugs are going to bite. Now, if they went up my pants and into my penis; then we would have a problem, but they were well-behaved and so I let them be.
It was nice being in this spot. Still decent weather, and that agony over Fola I had been experiencing earlier was almost completely gone.
There was a point where I thought it would be cool to see an elk or a deer as I sat there. There were some bison tracks, but no animal life in sight.
Remembering the angel manifestation from last week; I kind of had myself excited about manifesting an elk or a deer. It would've been pretty sweet.
Alas, as I kept looking up from my book to scan my surroundings; no elk or deer appeared during the entire time I was at the park. I gave up, thinking that it was worth a try. To wish for a manifestation or a sign.
Once I made my way back to the car, I thought I'd walk around a bit more and found the bench that Pope John sat on all those years ago. Of course I had to sit in it as well.
Hardworking guy. Visited a ton of countries. A really good example of a spiritual leader who was inspirational and devout. You don't see a lot of men like him anymore these days.
So, I started driving home. Had a little battle again with my thoughts, wondering why am I thinking about the same thing over and over. The principle thought was about how she got upset over my disrespect for not watching her video. I kept thinking about how absurd that all was. And it was this loop that kept playing over and over in my mind. Pure insanity, but I couldn't gently push it away. Let those thoughts play out if they must.
And driving... Well...
I saw an elk.
But...
It was laying on the side of the road. Dead. Hit by a car.
I've never seen an elk in all the years I've been driving on this highway. Much less one on the side of the road.
And much less one that I've asked to see.
(sighs)
I don't want to think about what that is supposed to mean. I wanted to see an elk, and there he was. Dead.
It is not a good omen. Or perhaps it has to be read deeper than what I saw. Maybe... death is the breath of renewal. Or death to the relationship I was in. Or...
(sighs)
Grasping at straws. I don't know what it was supposed to signify. But I did get my wish, and I suppose dead or alive doesn't matter.
Thank you, God. For listening to me.
And I went to another park afterwards. Yeah. Can't seem to get enough of parks. Didn't get out of the car, though, and I spent a good hour and a half looking at my OkCupid profile and re-doing everything,
New pictures. New profile. New jokes. Changed the preference from "anywhere near me" to "anyplace" so as to reach more people.
Eventually something will happen. I'm sure of it. Messaged two girls that I thought were intriguing. They were both into spirituality and living a non-materialistic existence.
I was pretty happy after all that, and went home. Played some Battlefront and now I'm about getting ready for a bath to do some more reading.
Mm. Well.
I feel momentum right now. Nothing is really happening, but things are happening regardless.
Not sure what, though. I realize now that I am not ready to be a father at this moment. I can't possibly take care of a child within my present situation,
So I will not be thinking about this nearly as much. Ideally, I would love to be a stepdad. I think part-time-pseudo dad is a lot easier for me to handle.
Miss Ivy.
Honestly, I do miss Fola as well.
As I was playing Battlefront, and a little before that; I could feel... love, I suppose. Love for her regardless of how it all went with us. Regardless of how justified I felt about calling her out on her B.S. while we were together. She may call it "abuse" but it was warranted. You don't treat me with disrespect multiple times, and then cry about something as petty as a YouTube video that I don't want to watch.
Anyways. Yeah.
I'm not sure what the future holds. I just miss her. And missing her is probably not going to bring me closer to the one I'm meant to be with. I don't know how to be "feeling" right now other than to just feel. And keep my eyes open to new possibilities and opportunities.
Tried painting for the first time before I did Battlefront, it was okay. Nothing amazing. Definitely not a Picasso, but it was my first try so I could get a handle on how the brush strokes felt and how much paint to use, etc. May attempt something a bit more ambitious than abstract shapes once I get a good feel for everything.
And, yeah.
That's about all there is to report. Need a job soon. Need money. Not too thrilled about taking a call tomorrow, but we will see.
My heart does not want me to go insulating, but my wallet is telling me that I have no choice.
What else could I do instead?
So, yeah.
Into the tub I go.
Some candles. Music. A good book.
It's all I need right now.
And I feel pretty okay.
Despite the fact that I miss her, I feel okay.
Nothing sad. Nothing despairing.
Just fine.
Just honest.
I will never find anyone like her again, but I may find someone better.
We will see. I don't want to jinx anything. I've already said enough times on this blog that she is here and that she is coming, etc. I think I've made my point. No need to constantly hammer it in.
Because she IS out there, and she is coming and she is here; already, but hasn't got to know me yet.
And she will.
Whenever that will be.
So...
No need to keep reminding myself of this. I have to learn how to prioritize my own life before I can start a serious relationship again. That's an important lesson. I don't want to place a woman on top of a pedestal.
Even though I knew this before meeting Fola, I kept forgetting.
(sighs)
I will do my best not to forget next time.
My life is more important than my partner.
My independence is what makes me who I am.
I cannot lose myself in another. Even if it feels exciting to do so. Especially when its mutual.
Yeah.
Got to learn how to hold onto myself. To exist on my own two feet.
And not bind myself to another so easily like I did.
Well.
I hope I don't forget this. I don't know how long I will be able to keep a healthy detachment going.
But we'll see.
Once she arrives.
We'll see.
Good night blog.
You've been a good friend.
Thank you for being you.
