Okay blog..
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Nothing really remarkable happened today, except for one thing. I inexplicably woke up this morning at around or close-to, 5:30am. Think I went to sleep near midnight, so it was quite a strange thing to experience but I felt charged up and ready to leave the house for my coffee, so I did.
Sat at the park for a bit. Smoking. Vaping. Coffee. Got an email from a Reiki practioner I wanted to see last week, but she wasn't available. She still wasn't available, and referred me to this other girl, who I then messaged.
I also messaged the Edmonton Theosophical Society, asking for any information on one-on-ones, workshops or lectures that I could be a part of.
Few days ago I messaged a "Shaman", and Trina was supposed to call me to let me know when her Reiki class was going to start. So was Donna.
Haven't heard a darn thing yet, and that's okay.
It's okay because I am trusting the universe at this point. Trusting God. I am compelled to send these messages out for a reason, and they are not being responded towards, for a reason as well.
I used to laugh at people who told me that everything happens for a reason. I would always ask, "what is the reason?" and they would shrug and say they didn't know.
I still don't either, but they do happen for a reason.
I suppose the question is more about how profound the reason is. How meaningful it would be.
Haven't figured out the answer to that one yet, either. I suppose there is no scale of meaning. Everything is meaningful. But what is meaningful to me is something I have to personally decide on.
As previously noted, nothing much has happened today. The day isn't over, so I am not going to be discouraged by anything, even if nothing else happens later on either.
It's all good.
The silence between the notes is just as important as the melody itself.
From the park, I went home. Spent an hour or so writing a new post on my other blog about the sun and then decided I would go to Elk Island. Spent some time there reading more of Paulo's book, but didn't see any further angels or had any real epiphanies from what I read.
There was one moment, however, as I closed the book and sighed inwardly. I was tired. I wanted direction. Answers. And I was still thinking of her, of Fola.
And it seems that no matter what she does to me, I can't seem to... I mean, I do seem to forget most of what she's done to me. Like none of it mattered. Like... all those wounds she caused me were easily forgiven. Or they should be, according to what my heart seems to be saying.
Why do I have to constantly remind myself that she is not a good person? Because I don't fully believe it? Because I feel that I need to be firm and decisive about not wanting to see her again? I don't know. I think of how she treated her pet dog Zoey, making her beg for every scrap of food and attention. I think of how she treats her daughter, and doesn't really express any love or affection in ways that I see most people do.
I think of all the other ways in which she's demonstrated selfishness and thoughtlessness and.. lack of clear and rational judgement; and still, still I feel this urge to wash away the past and embrace her with the deepest hug I can give her.
I don't get it man. I am missing that girl. I am thinking of her every day.
Yesterday I mentioned that resistance is persistence. And so, as I was driving home from Elk Island, I made my mind up to allow those thoughts to continue. I will not forcefully turn away from them. At one point, I wanted to enjoy the feeling of despair for having lost her. Even though I know that I wasn't losing someone who on paper, would have been a proper girlfriend/wife to me.
And another important thing occurred while I was at Elk Island. As I closed that book and sighed, thinking about her, this voice came up inside of me. It was clear and spoke unwaveringly and with.. conviction and... certainty.
Truth. The Truth was welling up inside of me.
In Paulo's book, he made mention of a "second mind" and described it as a barrier to Truth. I realized when this voice appeared, that I was in a state where my "second mind" was nowhere to be seen. So, I encouraged this voice to speak. Not by encouragement alone, but by keeping my ego as far away from it as possible.
And the things it said made perfect sense to me. This lasted for about ten minutes or so, as I walked along the trail. The strangest thing, is that I can't remember much of what it said. The only way I would have been able to capture everything, was if I spoke out loud and had a microphone recording what I was saying. But I didn't. And so, these words are...
Gone. Gone, but not really. They were spoken, they have been integrated into me somehow.
They are permanent.
I don't know how to describe this phenomenon really. Felt a lot like channelling, I suppose, but without my intending for it to happen. It just happened.
Although I don't remember exactly what it said for those ten minutes, I do know they were beneficial words. They had to do with Fola. They had to do with life, itself and the destiny that awaits me.
No specifics. That was another problem. There was nothing really specific in all of that "conversation" for me to act upon. To seize and hold onto, making use of it.
And that's okay too.
The voice has appeared from time and time. This blog has a lot of it in it. Save for a handful of posts that I knew someone was going to be reading. Those ones have the prints of my ego all over them. Same with the careless posts where I wasn't saying anything particularly thoughtful or interesting.
Hmm.
Yeah. Fola.
I am going to continue feeling my feelings. Wherever they take me. Some days will have me thinking more of her, while other days will have me thinking less. Some days I will be overcome with lust for her, other days it will be despair, or hate, or disappointment or whatever chooses to inflict itself upon me.
Let those thoughts come. I will not be closing my door. All are welcome.
Because... I no longer fear them. I can no longer be held prisoner, when I am entertaining an inmate within my mind, rather than wishing for them to leave and being an inhospitable host in the process.
Let each thought deliver what it may. And provoke whatever feelings arise of them.
I think I am doing a pretty good job so far of.. staying true to myself.
I tried to stay true with Fola, and I had another realization.
She wanted a master. She wished to become a disciple.
She met me at the perfect time when I could deliver those things to her and I did not deliver them as well as I could have.
Perhaps because I knew she was unworthy. I have given her so much already, but I have also held things back and left other things go unsaid.
Such is the way of Truth, it is near limitless in the amount it has to offer. The well never empties.
And that, is the trick, I believe, to feeling confident about remaining and living in my authenticity.
However, I also came across a viable concern. If she wanted a master to guide her, to teach her, to inspire and to love her; then what was she giving in return? I certainly wasn't given anything much worthy of exchange, other than her company, her conversation and the occassional sex.
She had her moments of other things, I must admit. Telling me that she loved me more than anyone, was a nice thrill. Even if I couldn't see how it was she was expressing that love towards me. I really didn't see any of it beyond the first month or so of our relationship.
She still didn't put on that lingerie. Still didn't make me the scones I badly craved.
So, yeah. I didn't get much from her. There was nothing fair or reciprocal about our relationship. It was very one-sided. All for her, almost nothing for me.
And though I know this, I still crave her.
I still remain the fool wishing to believe I could make her fall sincerely in love with me. In a way that leaves little doubt.
I don't think she knows what love is.
(sighs)
Man...
Realizing that, has made me sympathetic in a way. I do want to help her. I do want to be with her. I do want to elevate her.
But has to want to do the same for me.
Shouldn't she?
Reciprocity is something.. I need to take a stand on. You can't have something for nothing. And unconditional love.. well, unconditional love...
Is unreasonable, when it only goes one-way. Unsustainable.
Isn't it?
I think of my mother in this case. Apparently she loves me unconditionally. But I do doubt her sometimes. I have my reasons for it. It is more an expression of guilt than it is love, in my opinion.
And sometimes it really is love. So...
But it's not unconditional. I don't think human beings are able to truly unconditionally love another person. There are conditions. Respect, being one of them. At least that has to be a condition.
Shouldn't it be?
Respect for yourself and for the person you are loving.
At least that.
Well, blog...
Hmm.
Not sure what else to say here.
If Fola and I are really twins. If we are seriously the Yin and Yang of each other; then I should be doing my best to help her.
And sometimes that means keeping my distance.
And sometimes that means.. heh..
Well...
I hesitate to say "love her unconditionally" but I'll say it anyways.
Sometimes I love her regardless of the pains she's caused me.
I love her for being her.
Warts and all.
Despite the emptiness within her. The sadness. The inability to really connect and love another human being.
I love her in spite of all that.
And maybe I have been doing this wrong all along. But I doubt it. I remained true. But maybe.. Maybe I should not detest her. Maybe I should not...
Hmm.
This has been a difficult post to write. My thoughts aren't flowing as freely as I would like them to.
Maybe I should not deny her the feelings I have. This doesn't mean I need to do whatever it takes to get back together, but maybe it simply means that I should... send her...
My feelings.
A true twin would and should be able to feel them.
To hear my call. To know my heart.
If that is what she is, then she is entitled to these things.
But...
I can't... do it without reciprocation. But maybe... Maybe I ...
I don't know. I do deserve someone better. I know that much.
I just believe that maybe there's a chance she could change. Maybe my absence is a good thing. I think it is. I believe I've done my best, and time alone might bring about the answers she needs.
This is probably the best way. Being apart.
It'll obviously prompt introspection.
On both of our parts.
Which is what I am doing right now.
But... she broke
(sighs) a YouTube video is what started our last argument.
I have such a hard time respecting her for taking a stand on that one.
What a shitty video.
I have to stand up for my values. Maybe I could have approached all that differently.
I don't know.
Yeah, I could've responded to her concerns differently.
But I will not be made the slave of this relationship should I concede to her every whims and sooth her every concern, while she denies mine.
Yeah, no. This breakup was necessary.
Still doesn't keep me from thinking about her though.
Either it'll pass, or we'll eventually be reunited. As different people the next time. I don't know.
Who knows what the end game of all this is?
Only the angels and the Gods above.
Not me.
Although I do know it.
But...
Yeah.
It may not be something that needs to be brought to my consciousness at this point. I already feel what the Truth is. I already know what the future holds.
I must continue standing by who I am and what I believe in. Faults and weaknesses as well as strengths and...
Whatever else I have to offer someone.
(sighs)
Pretty tired writing all this. It doesn't feel like a particularly illuminating or interesting post, but I had to let it all out. All the uncertainties as well as.. whatever else.
This is all a game.
And I am a player.
I can only wait for my opponent to make the next move.
Before I can make mine.
And so I wait.
With patience.
For her.
Or for someone else.
However the game goes, my moves will adapt themselves accordingly.
And I will win.
