Thought about sending this to Fola, and I really want to, but it's a bad idea I think. May as well post it on here.
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Thank you for your message, Fola. I have been giving it some thought as to how I should reply (if I even should be replying) and haven't had much success in figuring out what to say.
When I last saw you, and the way you conversed with me, I felt deflated. Like I was talking to a robot that didn't have any memory of what we once had. I understand your reluctance to open up, but I didn't think you had to take it to the extreme that you did. It really made me feel that walking away was the right idea for me.
But, I also can't deny that I still feel for you. I also can't deny that you've demonstrated your feelings towards me in ways that didn't reflect my own. I was excited for our connection. I wanted to deepen it. I wanted us both to come alive with our having found each other, and to take us both to new heights. Spiritually, emotionally, financially.
But, you didn't feel the same way towards me. And that hurts. Especially when you would get upset over what I thought were petty situations. Such as us eating at the diner in Arizona, or you feeling disrespected for my not watching that video you sent me.
So, I still maintain that you did sabotage our relationship. Whether you realize it or not. You could have taken your own advice to me, about stepping back and looking at yourself before reacting. You could have not complained about my watching your video. You could have realized that I didn't take us to that diner to punish you somehow. You could have reacted knowing that I had your interests at heart, and that I didn't mean any wrong. But you didn't. You choose conflict instead.
You mentioned us having learned lessons from this. And when I read that, I honestly wondered what it was that you, yourself, have learned. Have you learned about responsibility? Have you learned about the collateral damage you cause when you go around doing "Whatever the fuck I want" and putting your selfish interests ahead of others? It seems that anything shiny that's dangled in front of your face, gets priority over everything and anyone else. I won't be listing examples. You would know what they are. 130am comes immediately to mind. So does the random guys you've come across.
You're right, though. We aren't meant to work out. Now, if ever. I would want to go back to the way things were, badly, like you wouldn't believe; but I also understand that you weren't in a position to really give your heart to me at the time. For various reasons, including you being married.
I don't know why I am writing this. My mind is telling me not to, but my heart wants to. I'm going to say fuck it, and honor my heart on this one. Because I prioritize the way I feel over how I think. And I imagine you are the same person as I am in this respect.
But the difference is that I try and keep emotions and logic in balance. I won't allow my emotions to override common sense unless there is a very good reason. I don't try and allow outside influences like tarot reading, and gurus to get in the way of my relationship. Which I feel is something you may have done. Instead of looking outside for wisdom, you really should be looking for it within, and asking yourself how you could have made us better, rather than worse.
I think Fola, you have yet to understand what is most important to you. And what is actually most important in all of life. Relationships are everything. If you want to be a success and to get your landrover; then having strong relationships are what you should be pursuing first. With yourself, your family and then others. Not a bloody car. When you die someday, you'll regret this kind of choice. Believe me.
You've mentioned major shifts needing to happen before (or if) we get back together. Yes, you're right again. I personally feel that you need to work on your trust issues. I don't really know how, or why you ended up being distrustful (parents? childhood trauma?). I just know that I felt worthy of being trusted, and I was hurt that you didn't give me this basic amount of respect given how strong and intense and beautiful our connection has been, and how devoted I was to building it. I feel like you've wasted a rare opportunity. I also feel that I've made mistakes also. So, yes, I have learned and I am still learning from us. One lesson, is to never compromise my dreams for the sake of another. But somehow, my inspiration depends on it. When I'm inspired, miracles happen. To me, the biggest inspiration is a woman that loves me. Or a family to provide for. I can't exactly inspire myself nearly as well. Having money is pointless without having someone to share it with. There's no joy in being rich and single. To me, anyways. I've worked with plenty of wealthy single men, and most of them are unhappy and angry. Although they pretend not to be.
I am both sad and confused about all this, Fola.. Especially this message, and why I am taking the time to write so much to you. I suppose I'm doing this because 1) I still love you and what we've shared and 2) I feel that you can change. Yes, I am aware that I shouldn't be hoping to change anyone, but if love can't transform a person; then what can?
Anyways. I'm probably going to hate myself for sending this. At the same time, I'm really glad to be able to get this off my chest. As dysfunctional as we were, the relationship we've had was a rarity for me to come across. The potential for our growth was astronomical, and I was really excited about it. So much so, that I prioritized us over my own life, and my own ambitions. Guess I'm going to have to work on this. And I have been. There has been some interesting things coming out of my finding that set of keys at the park. Maybe someday I'll tell you.
So, going forward, I don't know what you implied by saying that we will encounter each other again. But I do know that you still owe me money from our trip, and though I am not making a big deal of it; I think it reflects on an aspect of yourself that you need to be looking closely at. Five months, and you still haven't paid me back? When you accuse me of disrespect, you can look at how you've been disrespecting me for longer than I have. 99% sure you're monogamous? I can't respect hypocrisy, Fola. What I can respect, is someone who admits to their mistakes and endeavors not to repeat them.
So, a narcissist is someone who won't take responsibility for their actions. A narcissist is someone who prioritizes themselves over others. A narcissist knows how to draw people in with promises, and then fails to deliver on them. A narcissist will say that they love someone, but act in ways that suggest otherwise.
And that is why I called you a narcissist, in case you disagree. Maybe you're not full on that side of the spectrum, but you are pretty much on that side. If you struggle to define the word "empathy" and tell me that there's a sheet in your car that explains it; then you likely need to work at understanding what it means.
Thank you for the well wishes. Hope you continue working on yourself, and I hope you look at my words not as baseless accusations or manipulation; but for the honest truth that I feel within me.
You are always welcome to change my mind, or to provide reasons as to why I am mistaken in believing all this. But you don't have to. I understand there's pain involved, and avoiding looking into those depths is easier then examining them.
Well, Fola. If the signs and synchronicities and the connection and the sex and the communication and the love I felt I was showing towards you wasn't enough for you to want to try and make our relationship into something special and long term; then I don't know what could persuade you. Unless maybe I had a lot of money. Then our dreams of an acreage and prosperity would be more realistic. That's what you want most, right? Material success. Be honest.
I believe that we could have been unstoppable together and have earned those things. If only we could trust one another. And that is our biggest failing, I believe. Eventually I felt I could not trust you to put my interests and concerns above your own immediate self gratification.
Some things worth thinking about.
Hope you're doing well, and I am doing fine, myself. Second day at camp here, and it hasn't been too bad. Food is phenomenal. Weather is nice, and the work is easy and pays well. I'm doing about as well as I can.
Take care of yourself. Who knows when we'll see each other again. If ever. That's not my choice to make. I'm keeping my heart open. Or trying to. Whether it's for you, or for someone more interested in what I have to offer.
Goodbye. I miss you. But I'm strong enough to live without you.
And I suspect my soulmate would be saying the same.
Enjoy the monster text. I've always worn my heart on a sleeve and I don't want it to change.
And I hope I can find someone who would do the same.
