I hate it when I correct a spelling error in a post, and it re-publishes itself with the current date. My last post says it was posted this morning, but it was posted yesterday. I just changed "access" to "accessed", one word, and it looks like a brand new post.
Anyways.
Hmm. I'm compelled to write on here, but nothing has happened this morning so far. I got up at around 7:30, went for a coffee, emailed Kelly about the job I'm starting next week, and...
Thinking about her.
She finally added a new video to her channel. Well, "liked" a new video. It was some rapper chick and I couldn't figure out what it meant. Ten hours before that she posted on Pinterest, some recipes.
Well, I don't think she is depressed then. It doesn't seem that way. And.. hmm.
Yeah.
Not sure what I should be making of all this. Do I want her back or not? Why am I being obsessive about her? I don't want to be, but it looks like I am.
That text I sent last night... (sighs) No clues in there, either.
I don't know, but there is a feeling inside of me to just trust that everything is working out exactly as they need to be. With or without Fola.
I had a girl message me on eHarmony this morning and I was disappointed that she was 39, overweight, had kids, a nearly empty and uninteresting profile; and she was someone who sent me a "smile" about two months ago. She seems to really want to get in touch with me, but I felt zero amount of attraction from just her thumbnail alone.
I really don't want to turn people down like that, but...
I'm holding out for someone special.
Who knows who that is anymore. I don't.
And I'm sure she's out there.
I just don't know why Fola keeps sticking in my mind.
Again, there is nothing much I can do about her. Or us. Do I go back to her on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness? I can't do that. What would I need to be forgiven for, exactly? For wanting to be loved and feeling upset at how she kept denying me that?
I can't apologize for that.
At the same time, I do... want to... see her again, I suppose. I will be going to SRF tonight and there is a possibility, however slim, that she may be there.
And if she is, then what?
I don't know. It would be weird, maybe. Maybe something else will happen.
(sighs) Here I am typing away about some form of madness. Exorcising my demons or whatever, but I don't think that is what it is. I'm just trying my best to make sense of things that I cannot understand. Of feelings and goals and aspirations and dreams and faith and God and purpose and meaning and priorities and my future and my past and the present moment...
Everything all jumbled in one. I suppose that means uncertainty if I am thinking about these things o much, but...
Faith. Faith is such a powerful thing. I need to hold onto that and REALLY believe I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose in life. That I will realize the love that I desire someday. That I will be blessed with great wealth and prosperity.
However these things shall come, they are coming.
I WILL them to come.
By my own power and that of God, the Creator, the Universe.
The net of consciousness that permeates the entire world.
I appeal towards this force. I serve this power.
And this power serves me.
This is important. I can't give up. I won't let myself be beaten down.
I can't message her.
I can only write. On this blog and on the other. I still... have a dream that my other blog is going to do well someday. That I will get many more visitors.
Perhaps I should do something about that. I have all those business cards printed out with my blog written on the back of them. I can still promote it. Maybe I will go to Ascendant Books and see if they will let me keep my card up at the front counter, along with all of the other ones.
Will have to find a card holder though.
Hm.
The right one is out there for me.
And... I believe in magic. I've witnessed it enough times, although I wish I could witness it more.
I believe in you God.
Please believe in me.
