...

The worse part?

I'm not feeling sad about all this. I barely cried, earlier.

I feel like I've lost something in myself. But talking to my mom on the phone helped. Just having that connection with someone.

...

I don't know how to feel anymore.

I would've liked to...

(sighs)

Talk with Fola.

Now, this means... I have a short memory. Or it means that the good stuff between us all outweighed the bad.

It means maybe, that I still love her. But, I... Don't know if missing her means that I love her.

And that terrible dream.

Maybe.

I'll...

(sighs)

See her again.

If we are meant to see each other.

I don't know.

Those signs and synchronicities were between us. I believed she was my false twin flame at one point.

But.

Yeah.

I should let her go, but I...

Fuck.

I am.. Confused.

I don't want to go to sleep right now. I want to stay up. And think. And feel. And dream of better things and ways I can improve and to foster hope and faith, and healing, and...

I just don't have the time.

I don't know how others manage to find contentment in their day.

But they do.

I must keep trying. And I must not take my time off for granted.

It's the most important thing there is.

Freedom.

And I must make the most of it once I have it.

I miss you dad. I miss you Fola. And I miss Gina, and I will be missing my mom when she passes away.

And then I will truly be alone.

And that must never be allowed to happen.

(sighs)

I must try.

I must keep going.

Until my dying breath.

Another Day

Oh, blog. I cried a little a short while ago.

It wasn't the greatest of days.

I need hearing aids. I feel so disconnected from people here, both for reasons of my not being able to hear them well, and because they're new and unfamiliar, and... Unlike me.

Early today I has the warmth in my chest come again. And started thinking about her, and that terrible dream. I felt the pangs of jealously in the thought of her being with another guy. I... Hate it. I know..

I just miss her. Despite how difficult it has been for us.

And, I don't think she misses me that much. If at all. Especially if she is with someone new. And it's not like she can't find anyone. She's pretty, charming, talkative.

I don't know, blog. I feel my heart hardening up. This disconnect I'm feeling, and these 12 hour days, and this lack of sleep, and...

Its all adding up.

It's taking its toll.

I honestly miss having time off. I miss the park. I miss Fola. I miss my bed.

And, I..

I miss the connection I once had with..  Whatever it was. My higher self. God. I was... In communion with it on a daily basis, and with how busy I am at work, I rarely find time to look around and see things from afar. Rather than being inside of this box, where I am forced to look out of small holes in one direction only. This narrow, constrained way of being.

I changed my room today. Dorm #9, room 111. I like those numbers, but...

Oh, blog. What will become of me? I feel like I...

Like I failed. Am failing.

This morning before going to work and waiting for the bus, I saw a fellow I went to school with named Jack, and struck up a conversation. When I told him I was looking to get out of insulating, he shook his head and laughed.

"I've been trying to get out of insulating for 30 years!"

(sighs)

That didn't feel good. What a bad way to start the day.

I feel so numb. Looking at Fola's YouTube likes, and Pinterest, and it seems like... She doesn't care about much of anything except financial success. There is nothing in there about relationships.

She's not interested, it seems. And I don't want to imagine it's because she found someone.

I'm such a sad piece of shit. I fuck things up. With people I want to love. With my career. With some of the irresponsible things I've done.

And now, I am fucking it up by not being as spiritual and strong as I want to be. I am not able to be either of those things it seems. Not when I can't communicate with others well. Not when I can't communicate with my soul, or that which is outside my soul.

My spirits. They do not seem to be around.

If they even exist.

... I want so badly to believe, but this.. This.

Is...

Such a struggle.

I don't know what else to tell you blog.

I am not as strong as I thought I was.

I am not as capable as I hoped myself to be.

For now, anyways. Today.

God help me.

Please have me believe in miracles.

Please help me believe in myself.

And in the divinity that lies inside of me.

Otherwise.

I'll have nothing worth living for.

And my time here will have been wasted.

Despite how hard I've tried.

Please.

Show me a sign.

?

So what does this mean? I'm still connected to Fola. This is my second bad dream of her. Of three, if I can remember correctly.

I'm telling you blog. It was so strange last night, drifting off to sleep and immediately dreaming of her with another guy. I don't remember feeling jealous in the dream, or sad, but I had this feeling that I needed to get out of it, and so I did. I woke up barely minutes later, which is so odd because I was really tired and I've never had a dream stream in the way it did so quickly. And leaving it just as quickly.

(sighs) People reading this (no one) will likely accuse me of looking too deeply into something that might not even be there. I sent Fola a text, describing that I had a weird dream, and experienced odd physical sensations and that I think we are still connected. She hasn't responded, and I doubt she will. I kind of regret sending her that long text I blogged about.

Well. I'm hurting for guidance and advice right now. I went so far as to google spirit guides to see if there is a way for me to connect with them. I also drew a tarot card, which was the eight of cups. Signifying that I have to let something (or someone) go, and to move on.

(sighs) still remembering the three of swords. Can't seem to let go of this woman. Or girl, given her maturity level.

It's not easy not knowing what to do. All I can try, is to bring my mind and soul back to the state it was in before we met. I have a good memory, but I also know that the catalyst for those feelings was Gina. There was a sad acceptance and gratitude going on. I'm not sure how to replicate this. I also listened to that mix I made at the time, constantly. Perhaps music is the key. These vibrations are more powerful than I may know them to be.

Still thinking about my book. Sort of. Thinking more about marketing, really. But the book has to be completed first. Then I can go on and try to promote it.

Offer the first chapter for free, and then sell the rest. Five bucks ebook. Ten or 15 for a physical, if it gets a good reception.

Change has to start NOW and not later. But in camp, I don't have access to my writings. I couldn't fit a laptop into my luggage.

12 hour days.

(sighs) but I'll get seven off.

Time to get serious.

If I aim to make anything of my life, I had better do something and take it seriously.

Otherwise....

I'll be wasting my life insulating. Wasting my potential. Not really doing what I should be. Not having an impact on anyone. Not bringing them value.

I have to try.

Come to me spirit guides.

Tell me what I must do.

Restore me to how I once was.

And bring her to me.

Whoever she is.

In the meantime, I will continue to be trying my best to be myself, and not lose sight of who I am and what I want and must do.

I have a mission to complete.

And I need help carrying it out.

Thanking you in advance.

I know something is listening.

Day #2

Well, second day on the job. Started off with my waking up at 450am instead of 411am. Heard the alarm going off on my phone, but the noise outside and the deep sleep I was in; had me rushing like a madman to get my clothes on, to shave, pack up and grab lunch all before 515 when the buses start to arrive.

It was a strange night of sleep, actually. As I fell asleep last night, I started to dream of Fola. I dreamed I was sneaking through a house she was in, and it was dark. As I passed a couch, I could see her laying down and there was a white guy on top of her. Apparently they were having sex.

Seeing this, I snuck by and went into a basement. For some reason, I wanted to find a spot to hide, and I did. Everything was dark, and I felt I was well hidden.

Not more than a dream minute later, Fola appeared, and found where I was. We then went upstairs where I sat on a comfortable chair. Everything was still dark.

Ivy, her daughter then comes up and notices me vaping. She then asks, "can I try your pipe?" and I remembered being impressed that I could hear her so clearly and that she spoke so well. The top of my vape then breaks, and I tossed it aside.

Then, Ivy leaves and as Fola still sits on my right; this white guy, probably the same one from before, comes up to me from behind, and starts inspecting me. He was smelling my hair and touching the top of my head, as if assessing a threat. His eyes were really deep and searching. And it was determined that I wasn't any threat at all to Fola and him.

That was when I immediately woke up. No more than ten minutes had passed from when I fell asleep. Something inside of me forced me to open my eyes and to stop dreaming. I remembered how surprised I was to see the dream unfold so smoothly and quickly in such a short period of time.

I was puzzled by this sequence of events. The dream couldn't be analyzed, and I spent a few minutes thinking about it before going back to bed.

Broken vape? Quit smoking. Guy on Fola? Jealously. Guy inspecting me? Hmm. Not sure. There was an element of fear involved, and the darkness was strange.

I don't know, man.

It's hard to think now. Dustin, this other guy I'm in orientation with is constantly talking to me and I am not paying him any attention as I am typing. Some people just have this strange need to hear their own voice, regardless of who is around. Kind of annoying, but I'm not stressing out too much about it.

He's really talking up a storm. (sighs) some story about him getting a ride from someone, and not having money to buy a drink, etc. He's native. Constantly talking about women, and showing me pictures of them.

Well. I'm really feeling a heat in my chest today. Also feel it in my ears and in the forehead region. It has to be Fola related. That text I sent her must have had some effect. I don't know.

Everything is so strange.

Dustin is still talking. So hard to concentrate.

Don't really want to be here. He's laughing at his own jokes while I'm staring down at the phone.

Meh.

Life goes on. Must endure it. Must look at it in a brighter light.

Got to be strong. Got to keep moving. And believing. And keeping faith.

And figure out what my next career move will be.

A book.

So hard to write a good book.

I'm going to see if any signs will be pointing me in that direction.

Got to make sure, somehow, that this is what I am destined for.

Lord only knows, because I really don't.

Dustin is still talking.

Off I go.

The texts I do send #2

Done deal.

---

It's okay. Thank you for the message, Fola.

You're right. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves. I think yours is with trust issues. Despite all we've shared and experienced together, you rarely did trust that I had your best interests in mind. It didn't matter how great everything was. Or the signs and synchronicities. You felt hesitant, and maybe that's just as my fault as it was yours.

Not sure what you mean by another encounter, but you do still owe me money. I'm not asking for it, but you know this debt exists. And to me, it's more symbolic to leave it unpaid. It keeps me reminded of things I need to be reminded about.

Also I'm not sure what you've  learned from us, but I do know that you've pushed me away whenever we got too close. Either by being angry, or shutting down emotionally and not sharing your deeper self with me. Guess that goes back to trust issues. I'm not sure what caused you to feel that way, and I saw the full weight of it the last time we met. It was pretty ugly. But, I guess you had your reasons.

Things are going okay here. Second day in camp and I'm about to go to sleep. Food is pretty good here. Just had a margarita pizza for dinner with tons of cheese 😁 Have been avoiding meats lately, too. Weather is nice, job is easy. Can't complain too much.

Thanks again for the well wishes and the message. I'm glad you acknowledged how withdrawn you were with me. I wasn't sure what to make of your text, or if I should reply. Looks like my heart made the choice. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss talking to you.

There are other things I'd like to say, but I would feel like an idiot. I don't want to make myself vulnerable and not have you do the same. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and I often feel embarrassed for doing it. It doesn't feel great when I'm the only one doing it.

Good luck with yourself Fola. Till the next encounter.

David

The texts I never send #1

Thought about sending this to Fola, and I really want to, but it's a bad idea I think. May as well post it on here.

------

Thank you for your message, Fola. I have been giving it some thought as to how I should reply (if I even should be replying) and haven't had much success in figuring out what to say.

When I last saw you, and the way you conversed with me, I felt deflated. Like I was talking to a robot that didn't have any memory of what we once had. I understand your reluctance to open up, but I didn't think you had to take it to the extreme that you did. It really made me feel that walking away was the right idea for me.

But, I also can't deny that I still feel for you. I also can't deny that you've demonstrated your feelings towards me in ways that didn't reflect my own. I was excited for our connection. I wanted to deepen it. I wanted us both to come alive with our having found each other, and to take us both to new heights. Spiritually, emotionally, financially.

But, you didn't feel the same way towards me. And that hurts. Especially when you would get upset over what I thought were petty situations. Such as us eating at the diner in Arizona, or you feeling disrespected for my not watching that video you sent me.

So, I still maintain that you did sabotage our relationship. Whether you realize it or not. You could have taken your own advice to me, about stepping back and looking at yourself before reacting. You could have not complained about my watching your video. You could have realized that I didn't take us to that diner to punish you somehow. You could have reacted knowing that I had your interests at heart, and that I didn't mean any wrong. But you didn't. You choose conflict instead.

You mentioned us having learned lessons from this. And when I read that, I honestly wondered what it was that you, yourself, have learned. Have you learned about responsibility? Have you learned about the collateral damage you cause when you go around doing "Whatever the fuck I want" and putting your selfish interests ahead of others? It seems that anything shiny that's dangled in front of your face, gets priority over everything and anyone else. I won't be listing examples. You would know what they are. 130am comes immediately to mind. So does the random guys you've come across.

You're right, though. We aren't meant to work out. Now, if ever. I would want to go back to the way things were, badly, like you wouldn't believe; but I also understand that you weren't in a position to really give your heart to me at the time. For various reasons, including you being married.

I don't know why I am writing this. My mind is telling me not to, but my heart wants to. I'm going to say fuck it, and honor my heart on this one. Because I prioritize the way I feel over how I think. And I imagine you are the same person as I am in this respect.

But the difference is that I try and keep emotions and logic in balance. I won't allow my emotions to override common sense unless there is a very good reason. I don't try and allow outside influences like tarot reading, and gurus to get in the way of my relationship. Which I feel is something you may have done. Instead of looking outside for wisdom, you really should be looking for it within, and asking yourself how you could have made us better, rather than worse.

I think Fola, you have yet to understand what is most important to you. And what is actually most important in all of life. Relationships are everything. If you want to be a success and to get your landrover; then having strong relationships are what you should be pursuing first. With yourself, your family and then others. Not a bloody car. When you die someday, you'll regret this kind of choice. Believe me.

You've mentioned major shifts needing to happen before (or if) we get back together. Yes, you're right again. I personally feel that you need to work on your trust issues. I don't really know how, or why you ended up being distrustful (parents? childhood trauma?). I just know that I felt worthy of being trusted, and I was hurt that you didn't give me this basic amount of respect given how strong and intense and beautiful our connection has been, and how devoted I was to building it. I feel like you've wasted a rare opportunity. I also feel that I've made mistakes also. So, yes, I have learned and I am still learning from us. One lesson, is to never compromise my dreams for the sake of another. But somehow, my inspiration depends on it. When I'm inspired, miracles happen. To me, the biggest inspiration is a woman that loves me. Or a family to provide for. I can't exactly inspire myself nearly as well. Having money is pointless without having someone to share it with. There's no joy in being rich and single. To me, anyways. I've worked with plenty of wealthy single men, and most of them are unhappy and angry. Although they pretend not to be.

I am both sad and confused about all this, Fola.. Especially this message, and why I am taking the time to write so much to you. I suppose I'm doing this because 1) I still love you and what we've shared and 2) I feel that you can change. Yes, I am aware that I shouldn't be hoping to change anyone, but if love can't transform a person; then what can?

Anyways. I'm probably going to hate myself for sending this. At the same time, I'm really glad to be able to get this off my chest. As dysfunctional as we were, the relationship we've had was a rarity for me to come across. The potential for our growth was astronomical, and I was really excited about it. So much so, that I prioritized us over my own life, and my own ambitions. Guess I'm going to have to work on this. And I have been. There has been some interesting things coming out of my finding that set of keys at the park. Maybe someday I'll tell you.

So, going forward, I don't know what you implied by saying that we will encounter each other again. But I do know that you still owe me money from our trip, and though I am not making a big deal of it; I think it reflects on an aspect of yourself that you need to be looking closely at. Five months, and you still haven't paid me back? When you accuse me of disrespect, you can look at how you've been disrespecting me for longer than I have. 99% sure you're monogamous? I can't respect hypocrisy, Fola. What I can respect, is someone who admits to their mistakes and endeavors not to repeat them.

So, a narcissist is someone who won't take responsibility for their actions. A narcissist is someone who prioritizes themselves over others. A narcissist knows how to draw people in with promises, and then fails to deliver on them. A narcissist will say that they love someone, but act in ways that suggest otherwise.

And that is why I called you a narcissist, in case you disagree. Maybe you're not full on that side of the spectrum, but you are pretty much on that side. If you struggle to define the word "empathy" and tell me that there's a sheet in your car that explains it; then you likely need to work at understanding what it means.

Thank you for the well wishes. Hope you continue working on yourself, and I hope you look at my words not as baseless accusations or manipulation; but for the honest truth that I feel within me.

You are always welcome to change my mind, or to provide reasons as to why I am mistaken in believing all this. But you don't have to. I understand there's pain involved, and avoiding looking into those depths is easier then examining them.

Well, Fola. If the signs and synchronicities and the connection and the sex and the communication and the love I felt I was showing towards you wasn't enough for you to want to try and make our relationship into something special and long term; then I don't know what could persuade you. Unless maybe I had a lot of money. Then our dreams of an acreage and prosperity would be more realistic. That's what you want most, right? Material success. Be honest.

I believe that we could have been unstoppable together and have earned those things. If only we could trust one another. And that is our biggest failing, I believe. Eventually I felt I could not trust you to put my interests and concerns above your own immediate self gratification.

Some things worth thinking about.

Hope you're doing well, and I am doing fine, myself. Second day at camp here, and it hasn't been too bad. Food is phenomenal. Weather is nice, and the work is easy and pays well. I'm doing about as well as I can.

Take care of yourself. Who knows when we'll see each other again. If ever. That's not my choice to make. I'm keeping my heart open. Or trying to. Whether it's for you, or for someone more interested in what I have to offer.

Goodbye. I miss you. But I'm strong enough to live without you.

And I suspect my soulmate would be saying the same.

Enjoy the monster text. I've always worn my heart on a sleeve and I don't want it to change.

And I hope I can find someone who would do the same.

Pushing Forward

Landed in camp last night. Six hour drive from the city, and it wasn't that great. My power outlet is around six feet from the bed, and so I can't lay down and listen to music while my phone is charging. I also can't read a book in bed, because there's no light above my head, and so I have to sit at a desk.

And then there is the constant noise of a power generator outside that completely undermines the peace and tranquility I was hoping to have.

(sighs) And today, I was pretty well forced into signing this CLAC piece of paper that says I agree with them and what they do. I don't. And I will be rescinding that paper as soon as I'm finished with this job.

What a life. All I can think of is how much I miss home, and how good it felt during the best times I've shared with Fola.

And... I'm trying, but I can't seem to think of much for ideas as to how else I can make an income than to do stuff like this. I need to write a book. I have half finished ones, and finished ones that could be worked on. I think this is really my only option at the moment. Apart from joining an MLM scheme.

(sighs) I miss love. Loving someone. Being happy and content with my situation. But, survival. I have to earn money to survive. And to prosper, I'll need money also.

I feel almost threatened by tears as I write this. Looking at people around here who are older than I am, and doing this kind of work for the majority of their lives.

That's not right. It's not optional, either, but when you're caught in a money trap, it's so hard to escape.

Debt. Mortgages. Families to support. Bills.

We're all slaves to the system. Every one of us. Except for those that have inherited wealth, or have the means to remove themselves and to pursue their dreams.

I... Don't even feel like I belong here. I am so out of place. Guys covered in tattoos. Redneck types. Immigrants. I mean, I have my buddy Justin here with me, but he's suffering from the same resentment towards this lifestyle as I am.

Something needs to be done. I can't go on longer like this. But I am, because it feels like I haven't a choice.

And...

(sighs)

All I can think of is to write a book. I can't afford to get education necessary to move onto something more fitting and interesting and pays well.

But, is a book all I can think of doing? And which one should I pursue?

MLM Revelations

This morning as I was having my coffee, I thought long and hard about Robin and Tyler.

Yeah, it's an MLM scheme. They want to skim off my income from whatever company I end up forming. There's no altruism there. No real desire to see me succeed, apart from succeeding enough so that I can make other people money.

I suppose this is how the world works. However, I am unconvinced that this is the path I have to embark on. I don't want to be in MLM. I don't want to be a scammer or scammed. I want to provide people with real value. Not selling products that I don't believe in,

If anything else, I am becoming more conscious of how important it is to be making money. I am narrowing my focus somewhat and becoming more ambitious and aware.

The Go-Giver is a fantastic book, and even though it is being used as leverage in this MLM scheme; I can't fault the premise of the book itself. There are valuable ideas inside.

But, yeah. I refuse to be a part of all this. When I return from work next week, I will listen in on this presentation they plan on giving me and see what I think afterwards. I doubt I will be persuaded to start my own company. At least this particular kind of company.

(sighs)

There are better ways of generating wealth than to be doing it like this. But I have to take responsibility for it. I have to honor the vision of wanting to be independently successful. Networking is important, for sure, but...

Hmm. This is something I will be giving serious thought towards. Perhaps my blog still has a chance. Maybe I can parlay it into something. I don't know, though. I haven't been getting many visitors. I do need to promote it more. I really should take it more seriously.

Perhaps my blog is interesting enough for people to want to regularly read. I don't know. I hope so, but I need more traffic and feedback before I can find that out.

As of now, I am shooting in the dark with all this. I want to serve people. I want to provide them with something valuable. Information, it seems, education. Entertainment.

My other blog hits all these things.

The real question though, is how informative, educational and entertaining it all really is? Is it worth pursuing? I need more feedback on this. I need to see encouraging results.

I have these business cards I've printed up a while ago, and I really should visit these New Age places and see if they would keep them at the counter. It's a good idea, but the question really still is about whether or not my blog is worth reading.

That's the thing. If it's not good, then its not good. I'll have to look at something else.

But, what?

I think this is all coming down to recognizing my worth and what I have to offer. As it said in the Go-Giver, the greatest thing I have to offer is my authenticity. And that is what I am hoping is coming across. I admit, though, that this personal blog is more authentic than the other one. I really wonder if maybe making this personal blog public would be the best idea. But at the same time, I am aware that there are so many personal details on here, that I'm not sure its wise to put my life on display like this.

There is no doubt its all been an interesting journey for me. I'm sure others would think the same, and would want to follow it.

But, yeah. This is going to take some thinking. Some faith. If I want to realize my dreams.

Either I get lucky and become rich without effort, or I work towards becoming rich. These are the only two ways.

I have to learn to identify exactly which way I should be pursuing all this. Winning the lottery just means to buy a ticket every now and then. Working is the more likely way of accumulating wealth. I have to dedicate time and energy and faith into whichever route I choose. I need also to boil down my expenses to their most basic parts.

My mom believes in me, it seems. I just got off the phone with her, and she really wants to help me. Again, by putting money into my line of credit without my asking her to. I don't know how I feel about this, but this is what she wants to do and I will not argue with her about it.

But it means that I owe her to give this my best shot. There is more reason now than ever for me to figure out how I may realize my dreams.

We are all put here on this planet to be happy. I need to believe that I am just as deserving as anyone else. That I am as capable as anyone else. That I am as dedicated as anyone else.

I just need to hit the right groove.

Hmm.

Something to think about.

A bit of googling this morning has revealed that I am involved in a scam. Well, at least a series of processes that other people have gone through. Most MLM schemes are unprofitable. And I'm going to keep this all in mind once (and if) I am asked for any money from Robin or Tyler in order to start whatever company it is that they are going to suggest I do. If they are willing to foot the cost of all that, and they are certainly wealthy enough to be able to do so; then I should at least give it some consideration. However, if I am expected to put my own money in, then I will give it even more serious consideration and their credibility will be damaged further.

Still, though. I met with Tyler for a reason. Perhaps this purpose has been fulfilled. Maybe all I needed was to be more conscious of my desire to become wealthy. They at least got me fired up and more interested in it than I was before, so perhaps this is the end of the road of this particular route and now I must seek my own way.

Hmm.

I have a lot to offer the world. I suppose I need to identify what exactly would that be, and how valuable it actually is. Then I can take it further.

I don't want to give anyone advice when my own life isn't the way I want it. There is plenty of other ways of getting advice. So much information online is available for anyone to come in and use.

So...

This is going to be tricky, somewhat.

I'm going to need to change my perspective. I am getting closer to turning 40 with each passing day, and if I don't do anything, then nothing will happen.

Tomorrow, I will turn 50 and not realize where all the years have went.

That is the sober truth of it all.

The time to act is now.

(sighs)

It's coming. Just need to be patient. Need to keep faith.

And keep my eyes on the prize.

I am a writer. I can write. Maybe not particularly well in terms of technical excellence, but definitely in terms of emotional impact. I seem to be the only guy I know who writes as if his heart was on his sleeve. I don't know how good that is, but it's unique.

I just need to be able to trust myself.

And I suppose this all comes down to self-worth. Relationships. Finances. Happiness.

How much do I truly value myself?

What would I be willing to do, in order to express the value of who I am?

What can I do?

Hm. Again, the answer seems to be the blog. The one that I am uncertain about.

Well.

Guess I'll try promoting it.

And see where that takes me.

Hm.

Got to start packing my things up for the flight tonight. Need to get an oil change and gas as well.

I don't want to take advantage of people. I don't want to "use" them.

But at the same time, success comes from people. Usually.

Usually always, people are responsible for each other's success.

I have to remember this.

And work at bringing value to their lives. In ways both big and small.

I've always been a giving and generous person.

But I don't like having to negotiate what I will get in return.

I suppose that is the biggest lesson for me to learn.

To know that I deserve compensation for what I give.

In relationships. Finances. Whatever it is that I am involved with.

You get what you give.

And there is no reason for me to be scared about giving too much. I'll give as much as I can stand to.

And, hopefully, it will be appreciated.

Well, God. The Creator. The Universe.

I am at your service.

Still Going, Still Trying

Met with Robin and Tyler for coffee again tonight. Second meeting.

Hmm. I still don't know what to think about all this. If this is a scam, its a pretty good one.

Basically, they are leading me through multiple steps in order for me to create a company and to sell products online. The way they make any money, is as a bonus off of whatever I sell. Percentages go from 3% to 26%, and are fixed by income brackets.

Everything is legal, and apparently they have partnerships with various companies. Including Apple and Nike. Somehow. Someway.

(sighs)

My gut was what lead me to Tyler that day. Tyler led me to Robin. Robin gave me this fantastic and inspiring book (The Go Giver), and today gave me a Robert Kiosayki one about forming your own business.

If this is a scam, it is brilliantly done. Except...

Hmm.

I don't know.

The sticking part is Tyler himself. He admitted only having made a small amount of money from this, and not only that, but he's known Robin for two years. Still doesn't have a house or any real money, I don't think.

So, it doesn't seem like its working very well for him.

But his truck looks nice, I have to admit, and he was genuine when I first met and spoke with him. He was a genuinely nice guy, it seems.

My gut lead me to him, and now my gut has me leading to whatever this all is. Forming a company to sell products online so that Robin and his wife gets to make commission.

There's still more involved to this that I have not yet begun to see, so once I get back from work next week; there will be another meeting scheduled in which they will present a business plan.

What I don't understand about all this, is my reading the Go Giver. I don't understand how it factors in. Robin asked me what my biggest takeaway was, and I said it was that my success is his success, and vice-versa.

He agreed with my answer, I suppose. Even though I've memorized all 5 laws that were presented in the book, I don't see why I would need to be involved in his business model in order to practice the concepts behind the Go Giver.

I naively thought that maybe these were genuinely good people who were looking out to help me. Maybe they still are. I don't know. If I tell them about my life situation and my debt; would they be able to help me? Would they earnestly do their best to see me succeed?

That's what I thought the Go-Giver was about. But...

Yeah.

I'm still going to go with my gut on this one. There were no flinching. Although tonight did trip me a up a little bit, because I kept wondering why Tyler had to be present with us throughout these meetings. He doesn't serve any purpose that I can tell. He's not learning anything, I don't think.

He's definitely involved.

But he doesn't make or earn much money from this. Whatever it is.

In two years?

Hmm.

We all want to realize the dreams of being rich someday. Well off. Able to afford nice things and to guarantee our security. But, as Paulo wrote in the Witch of Portabello, "Never place your dreams in the hands of those that can destroy them."

Which... I shall not be doing. My enthusiasm is tempered.

I initially thought this was something more about mutual giving and networking, but it seems to be about setting me up as a source of income from which Robin will be benefiting off of.

He said they have 50 people underneath them. Sounds like a pyramid scheme, right?

Apparently he's not doing all that well either, if he is still working full time at his job.

Yeah. This does sound scammy. But...

I'm going to see where it all leads.

I at least have been given 1 amazing book that I'm grateful for receiving, and I'm interested in the 2nd one that I have now. Business of the 21st Century. If nothing else, I am getting good reading material.

But as for being rich.

(sighs)

Someday. Someday soon.

I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity, by which I benefit myself and those around me.

One of the things I have asked for in the ritual I performed early this month.

I'm not going to sever this connection with Robin. I haven't been given a good enough reason to, and skepticism certainly is necessary.

But so is faith.

(sighs)

Physical stuff happening with me right now. I don't know if it's Fola related. Again.. I keep thinking its Fola related and maybe it really isn't.

But, I have these sensations regardless.

I can feel almost nothing for a few hours, and then the heat comes in. Or the third eye pressure comes in,

Or the ears...

There are energetic exchanges happening. I am unsure as to what they are, or how they are triggered or where they come from, or what is at the cause, and if they are externally impressed upon or internally generated.

Common sense would say internally generated.

A psychologist would say psychosomatic,

A mystic might have a different idea. Activated chakras. I don't know.

But, I don't feel particularly amazing when I feel those feelings. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't.

What I am, is conscious of them. More self-aware, I suppose.

Time feels slower, too, I think. Life is more meaningful.

That's a good thing. I can't complain about it.

And...

I have a destiny and a purpose to realize.

And... meeting Fola...

Having the relationship that we did...

Changed me.

For the better? I am not sure yet.

But I am certainly not any worse than before.

It was a magical experience, that much I can say. The effects of it still lingers.

(sighs) I'm never going to be able to figure myself out in the grand scheme of things. I can't possibly hope to explain these physical sensations, or why I met Fola or why I met Tyler and where I am supposed to go and what it is I must accomplish.

I ask God for guidance on these things, and I have not had clear answer yet.

Which is fine, because I understand that clear answers are rarely if ever given. Unless I listen very carefully. In perfect stillness and self-acceptance.

Then, a voice emerges.

But... who's voice is it? Mine?

Hmm.

It is mine.

I have always known it was mine. I have always known that wisdom is inside of me. The kingdom of God is within, as they say.

If this is so...

Then I invoke it. I must trust it. I must roll with it.

I'm... tired right now. My last night of freedom before I fly out tomorrow. I'm thinking of smoking pot for the first time in over a month. I don't feel particularly compelled to, but...

Maybe further insights can be had.

I feel so strange... It almost feels like.. a presence or energy has attached itself to me. And it ebbs and flows by circumstances and thoughts that I cannot connect well enough to understand the cause of.

All I can really do is shrug.

And do my best to keep smiling.

Knowing that inevitably, the Truth will reveal itself.

And I must be prepared to accept it.

I deserve better.

But I need to first believe it.

Step #1.

Believe in your worth.

Step #2.

Keep conscious of your awareness

Step #3.

Always keep an open and receptive mind.

Step #4.

Always keep an open and receptive heart.

... Step #5 is the one that I think I am hung up on at the moment.

Step #5 is to fully surrender myself

,,,

Working on it, God.

Working on it.

Could use some encouragement.

Still Trying, Still Going

(sighs) Thought I'd find myself a nice private spot to relax and enjoy some solitude, but then six sweaty cyclists decided to come by and stand right in front of me, blocking the view, making me feel awkward, and chatting random stuff.

Well. I don't own the park, or the bench I'm sitting on, and I certainly don't have any entitlements to how much peace and quiet I'm entitled to in public.

I'm realizing that as much as I try to love people, it's hard sometimes with situations like this. I feel like I'm not completely a tolerant person. I suppose I do have selfishness in me, wanting to be alone and feeling resentful that it's being infringed upon.

I do try, though. I'm typing this now to keep busy, because I can't enjoy the skyline with these guys around. Can't enjoy the quiet. Can't enjoy the solitude.

Oh well. They will likely leave soon, and I'll be back to having the spot to myself.

Its something I'm working on. Tolerance. Being comfortable with where I am, despite the situation. Able to find peace even inside of chaos. Able to...

Hmm. Able to forgive.

Thought about Fola a bit today. Really not much, but some.

I do miss that crazy chick. Wish we could have been different. Wish we could have gotten along with each other.

Looked at her YouTube channel for the first time in a while. Music videos. And some law of attraction stuff. Nothing revealing. Finally saw she liked some tarot readings, so, looks like she's searching for answers again.

Earlier today while geeking out on Battlefront, I felt the glow come from my chest, and I was wondering what caused that. Fola? Or something else?

I keep thinking that maybe those feelings are aroused by something I do not understand or have suspected. Like, there is an external influence somewhere, because I don't understand why these feelings come at certain times. If it's not Fola, then what is it?

My higher self? My true twin flame? God?

I don't know, but I wish I could.

I wish I knew. Wish I could see the future. Wish something could reassure me and tell me that all is well, and to continue being patient and working on myself.

Keep believing that good things are still to come.

Mm. Bit of a third eye happening now. Cyclists have moved away from in front, to the far right. Out of sight. I'm puffing on my vape, and feeling a little zoned. Not sure if that is the right word.

Whew. They're gone now. I'm back to being alone.

Going to take a minute here to enjoy it.

So, yeah. Thinking. Thinking about how I can't seem to figure out where I fit in this world. Thinking about how I have a lot to offer, but not really sure how. Thinking about how lonely I have been lately, and how disconnected from the world I sometimes feel. Thinking about dogs, and how much I would like to own one. Thinking about love, and wondering when I will come across it again.

Thinking about God. And...

Yeah.

This morning I saw an older man walking a beautiful golden retriever down the street. I was pausing for a smoke outside my vehicle, watching them approach. He gave me a friendly nod, and I smiled and told him how beautiful his dog was.

"he's my buddy" he smiled. And said something else that I didn't catch.

"I know," I said, smiling. "I wish I had one like that."

And that is the truth. I wish I did. I wish I had a furry friend that I could spend time with. Not a cat, but something more giving. More loving, obedient. Fun.

A dog.

(sighs)

Skyline looks gorgeous right now. It's truly a beautiful world in which I live. Despite how I feel on certain days, I am aware that nothing has changed each time the sun rises. No matter what is on the news, or what setbacks I'm experiencing, or how lonely or excited or sad or happy I am...

The world will always be beautiful.

No matter what.

Thank you for creating all this.

Whoever you may be.

The Man Who Wiped Out 700k Of Debt

So, yeah. Met with Robin and Tyler at Tim Hortons just an hour ago, and...

Yeah.

Interesting.

I am either going to suffer a lot for this, or gain a lot. Still not sure which, but my gut is not opposing anything really that I've heard so far.

What is particularly interesting, is that shortly before our meeting, I started feeling like my heart chakra was opening up and my "third eye" was kicking into overdrive. The heart warmth didn't happen until around halfway through the meeting (I think), but the third eye really got going on my way there and while I was listening to Robin speak.

The clarity I was feeling. The confidence in myself. The alertness. Everything came together smoothly and I held onto skepticism as well as open-mindedness throughout the entire talk.

I arrived at Tims about ten minutes early and found us all a table. Sat there reading "Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida (re-reading), and... Robin comes, sits down by himself and I wasn't sure who he was. Tyler texts me he was going to be ten minutes late, and as I'm reading my book, eyeing the one guy by himself wondering if that was him; my suspicions were confirmed once Tyler came in and introduced us.

A little awkward, but whatever.

I pride myself on being able to detect bullshit from people, and honestly, there wasn't much I saw from Robin that gave me reason to walk on out of there. I felt really connected to him, and not because he was young and charismatic and managed to fool me or anything like that; but because he would hold eye contact with me, and neither of us flinched.

That's a big one for me. You can tell when someone is being deceptive if they aren't able to look fully into your own eyes, or if they often look away, but he didn't. He seemed legit.

So, this whole talk was about grooming me for further meetings. Apparently there is a company Robin owns, and the whole premise of the business idea was about investing into "people".

Trust me, I asked all the right questions. Not a pyramid scheme, but it could be an MLM play. Also, there was no money for me to be paying at any time. We have a second coffee date scheduled for Tuesday night in which further details would be discussed, but in the meantime, I would have to read this book.

Called, "The Go-Giver" by Bob Burg and John David Mann.

Since I'm pretty quick with reading, I should have this done by Tuesday for sure.

I'm really interested in seeing where this trail of breadcrumbs is going to lead me. Finding a set of park keys, meeting Tyler, having the conversation I did with him, and then him introducing me to Robin was an interesting series of events. After the meeting was over, I managed to talk with Tyler some more and I was surprised by how honest he was.

One of my questions were, "have you paid Robin any money at any time?"

He said no.

"Have you made money from whatever this all is?"

Yes. He made about two grand from it and wiped out 9k worth of debt. Thanks to Robin.

"How long have you known Robin for and been involved with this?"

Two years. Two and a half, to be precise. Not a ringing endorsement at all with this idea. Two years and a few grand to show for it?

Still, though. I am honoring my gut with this one, because the book I was given to read seems legit. The idea behind it is to "give" in order to get. If I want to be successful in life, I have to give. And this model is the basis behind what Robin and his wife appears to be doing.

As we were talking, he made mention about how his wife is as voracious a reader as I am. I then opened my backpack and displayed the five books I was reading.

A Beginners Guide to Unlocking Your Psychic Powers
Way of the Superior Man
Isis Unveiled
The Ocean of Theosophy
and Rich Dad, Poor Dad

When he saw the cover of the psychic powers book, and noticed the Eye of Horus symbol on the front; he said his wife has the exact same symbol tattooed behind her ear.

I thought that was awesome. I've considered getting a tattoo like that for myself at one point. Except I have never had the driving urge to get one, since my tastes are fickle and tattoos generally look tacky after a few years. And tacky in general, for the most part.

So... Interesting conversation. Not much in the way of details revealed, but this is so to keep me from getting overwhelmed, and I suppose it was part of the vetting process. There was mention of people quitting, and Tyler himself saying that he couldn't commit himself as much as he wanted to.

So, there are some red flags, but I will decide for myself if their business plan makes any sense.

The book is completely legit, however. Just from reading the dust jacket, I can tell already that I like the idea behind it all. I'm just curious about how it will be implemented.

So Robin's story is that he was 700k in debt, and erased it all within three years. No real details on how, except that I'm pretty sure working 24 and 4 up north for 5 years may have helped him in this regard.

His wife hasn't worked in a few years, and that's a good thing he says. And he's still working at Dow Chemical as an electrician.

So... I'm not exactly sure how much success could he be having if he is still working in the trades.

|But then again, this might be the beginning of a larger movement. The ground floor. The place where it all starts.

Apparently around 50 people are involved in this, whatever it is, and Robin claims not to ask for payment from either of them. He gets rewarded only by charity, it seems, and from what I see of this book, I can understand how this could be lucrative in of itself.

It seems to be about networking. Getting yourself into a group of like-minded individuals who all bring something of value to the table, in the spirit of wanting to bring value to others. Innovative. I really like the premise behind all this.

But the business idea that Robin will eventually pitch on me, well, that remains to be seen and assessed.

Again, no alarm bells on my end. Driving home from all this had me feeling a little excited, to be honest. Well, more curious than excited, but excited nonetheless.

Could be something, may not be something. Guess we'll be finding out.

Oh, and big news. Got this text last night as I was writing the blog post yesterday:

First one in weeks. She ignored my earlier one.

Interesting that she left the door open for a further "encounter", whatever that means. I didn't bother writing her back. Kind of wanted to, but didn't. I wrote a draft of something and deleted it. Well, left it the way it was, because I wanted to be 100% sure if and when I'd send it. Doubt I will send her anything, though.

She's still not a good person.

But, in reading Way of the Superior Man, I realized my blunders. I wasn't the guy she wanted me to be. The guy I was when we first met, kept getting broken down by her petty arguments and irrational anger. I realized now that there are ways of responding to that, and I can't expect to sooth her with logic. She's all intuition, and a logical argument would be pointless.

She made mention of "many lessons learned" and I am kind of scratching my head at that, wondering what exactly did she learn from our time together. I have learned things myself, but haven't fully integrated them yet. Getting there, though.

Way of the Superior Man suggests I find myself someone who complements and challenges me and brings out the passionate side of myself, and Fola definitely is the perfect gal in this regard. She would be an excellent woman to keep me on my toes and being the best that I can be. But that requires discipline, focus and commitment to my vision.

Whatever my vision is. Hrmph. I don't know if my blog is going to be the end game of all this. I just know that I need to write. On this blog, and on the other one.

Books and stories are a lot different to pull off than writing about my day, or short essays/articles on the other site.

But, yeah. I feel good. There is momentum gathering towards something. Those physical sensations today appeared for a reason. I believe they acted as a kind of guidance system. We'll see how they play out, and whether or not I am wrong to be thinking this way.

We'll see. But so far, so good.

Anyways. Got to email Kelly a few more things and I should be getting information soon about flying out to Fort Hills. Thats another new chapter in my life. Working non-union, and doing something that isn't insulating. Plus the schedule of 7 and 7 should be handy. I'm looking forward to a whole week off in between shifts.

Hope it all goes well. I'm still believing in good things, and I still believe that I am a good man.

I still believe in a God.

A Creator. A force of intelligence.

That is bringing me the things that I need and want.

Great wealth and prosperity.
Being lovingly guided to a higher and happier purpose.
Fola acknowledging and apologizing for the mistakes of the past and loving me unconditionally.
(although she hasn't apologized or really acknowledged anything yet)

It's still coming along. Rome wasn't built in a day. I just have to keep calm and uhm.. chive, jive on.

We'll see.

My mom told me to buy lottery tickets yesterday because she had a dream about me winning. But when I met her today and asked for details, she didn't actually dream of me winning the lottery. She dreamed about me pooping, and said that she interpreted it as my winning the lottery.

I had to give a LOL WHUT to that. Shit doesn't make any sense. Pun intended.

My mom is cute when she is crazy like that. Love her weird ways.

She gave me a hundred bucks earlier, too. Didn't want it. Didn't ask for it. Knew better than to fight and refuse to take it, so I took it.

(sighs) She has a lot of faith in me.

I need to be able to say the same.

And prove to her that it was well-founded.

Time to read that book.

And remind myself that for Fola and I to be together, I would have to accept her damage and her baggage.

Warts and all.

Who knows.

Maybe people can change.

In Psychics We Trust

Went to the OSSA orientation this morning. It was boring, but easy. Instructor was a nice guy, had a big ass beard and I left on his instructor evaluation form: "Geoff could use a light trim of his beard. Otherwise, excellently done."

Had the impulse after this to go to the flea market, since it wasn't too far from where I was taking the class. Went to Trina's stall and saw her mom, but didn't see her. I asked if she knew where she was, and she said, "she will be around shortly."

No more than a few seconds after that, Trina appeared. Tada.

We started chatting, and she took me into her booth. Think we talked for at least an hour or so. I was really picking her brain about what she thought of certain things. Particularly my relationship with Fola.

Mm, she said she "knew" from the start that something was off about Fola. I don't know, but she told me her first impression of her was that "I really like her" and this was after she warned me against being with her, the last visit before they both met. And for the past while, she was anti-Fola and insisted to me that she was still living with her husband or still had feelings for him, even though I knew full well that Fola wasn't living with Larry, and didn't have any feelings for him at all.

(sighs) psychics.

Aside from that, it was a very interesting conversation. From talking to her and thinking, I managed to figure out why Fola asked me to "abuse" her on more than one occassion.

I still remember how she smiled at me in bed. "I feel like I want you to abuse me." and I still remember my reaction.

"Why the heck would I want to do that?"

She smiles again and goes, "I dunno."

Pfbt. Anyways, I believe I've figured this one out. Normal people would call her behavior kinky, but I think it goes deeper than that. I think she was given so much attention and adoration, and had everything come to her so easily in life; that she felt guilty and needed to be punished.

Unconsciously, of course. I think that guilt runs deep.

And that makes sense to me. 

Now... What else did we talk about... 

When I told Trina about my angels story (on the other blog), I then asked her if she believed in angels.

"I believe in fairies more than I do angels." she says.

Fairies?! I made sure not to betray too much astonishment and mild disgust when she said that, but I definitely showed my surprise. Seems that Trina was seeing fairies as a child. Apparently there are real photos of fairies out there (one that came to my mind was the black and white Victorian one with the two girls that looked so ridiculously fake). And.. yeah.. She would go to some field with flowers, and there were fairies and they talked with her.

|"Do you still see fairies?"

"No."

"How come?"

"They are locked up."

"Locked up?" I'm really leaning forward trying my best to be open-minded and serious.

"In the 70s, they were locked up. I don't know why."

And it seems that when I pressed her for as to how she knew that, she tells me she heard it from other people. Mm. Okay.

Trina is an unusual lady, but I've always been giving her the benefit of the doubt. She's not completely sane, but she doesn't seem insane either. I can't really peg her and I'd hate to judge and presume things. So she saw fairies. Okay. I'll believe that she believes it.

Another thing I managed to figure out about Fola, was.. and this will sound creepy, but because of her behavior and because of inability to love, and because she is so fixated on getting herself a Land Rover and money, and also that dream she told me about how Aleister Crowley came to her in bed and started patting her on the head, and the admiration she had for that guy... and her interest in rituals and pagan stuff... It all made me realize something scary.

She is the exact kind of woman who would sell her soul to the devil if she could be rich.

...And not even realize it.

This is obviously a frightening and serious thing to say, because.. Well.. Maybe there isn't a devil out there, but there is a spirit. A way of being that people would be willing to do anything for, no matter the consequences. And I think this is her. I think she would use anyone and everyone as a stepping stone to get what she wants. And once she exhausts the value of that person; she will unconsciously sabotage the relationship so as to provoke "abuse" and give herself an excuse to leave; or she will simply leave, like she did with her husband Larry.

Here is the thing about the idea of "selling" your soul to the devil. I believe it is entirely metaphorical. You don't actually sign a contract in blood. You don't invoke Satan. You don't do anything that obviously panders to the side of evil and darkness; but you certainly behave in a way that aligns with selfishness at the expense of others. At the expense of love and compassion and empathy. 

You simply throw all those things out the window, and embrace a sort of psychopathy. Nothing will stand in the way of your goal. Not even your own child, as a child is an inconvenience and an obstacle on your way to greatness. This is likely why Fola was wanting to see Ivy "every other weekend". 

Telling Trina this, she was upset about that fact alone. Telling me that she would always want her son by her, and to be with him as much as possible. And that whenever her boy needs her, she would rush to his side no matter what or when.

I believed her. I know she loves her kid.

And with Fola.. I really don't see that with her and Ivy. I don't see affection. I've never seen her kiss or hug Ivy. What I have seen is her "putting up" with Ivy. That is a far cry from what a mother who loves her child would be behaving as. But then again, I don't know how stressful that would be. Maybe I wouldn't be hugging and kissing my kid, or wanting to see him/her as much if I had to be with them the entire day.

Hm.

Trina then made the excellent point that if this is how much Fola "loves" her daughter; if this is the extent of her love; then how could she give me the love I deserve and expect, and have shown her?

The conversation was really helpful to me. I can't say I believe Trina 100% on everything she's told me about, particularly her ability to astrally project. That's another thing. Apparently she can astrally project herself, and told me a few stories about what she saw and how she was able to confirm certain details once she went to visit the location she traveled to.

When I asked her if she went to visit the Pyramids in Egypt, or to travel around the world; she said, "I didn't think of doing that."

Another idea I had in mind was to write something on a piece of paper and see if she could read what it was. I would put it on the roof of my house, and invite her to astrally project herself over to see what it says.

(sighs) I take most everything she says with a grain of salt, but I do believe in some of the things she claims to have experienced.

Yesterday I pulled a random card from my Tarot deck and got the "death" card. I was disappointed, and didn't take it too seriously. I wasn't imagining death to be around the corner, because that card can indicate personal transformation and the death of old ideas/relationships/etc.

Took Trina's deck of cards today and shuffled/cut to find the death card yet again. Interesting. Trina again tells me that I am psychic, although I am not fully believing or understanding how that can be.

I told her again about my other reading, where I asked about Fola and Soulmate + Debt + Atlantis were the three cards that came up. She was really puzzled by that one. We then discussed the idea of Atlantis possibly existing, and though she didn't know much about it, I filled her in on some of the details that I've picked up over the years. Seven races. All divided up on an island either between Africa and America, or off the coast of Greece/Italy. I personally think it was between Africa/America in the Atlantic. 

Atlantic. Atlantis.

The cataclysm was caused by a thirst for power and technology that would look like "magic" to use nowadays. Tech that used crystals for computing. And something happened that caused the entire island to fall into the water, because some power was growing and growing and growing and then consumed/destroyed the area/caused eruptions/etc.

Again, I don't know much about Atlantis. It'll be amusing if it was all Fola's fault in her past life and I was some assistant of hers, or some high magician guy that she rebelled against and caused the cataclysm. 

Who the hell knows. I find it funny that I can talk with Trina about all this stuff and have us mutually respect one another. 

Hmm.. what else did we talk about.. 

Fairies. Astral projection. Atlantis. Fola. Being a mother. 

The nature of evil. Angels. 

Trina used to believe in angels, but no longer does. 

Said Lucifer was a fallen angel. I agreed, but then made the point that he was an angel at one point, meaning that there could still be benevolent angels out there interested in assisting mankind.

Talked about mediumship/chanelling for a while. Told her how I was opposed against it. Quoted her a little Blavatsky ("the medium is not the message").

But, she seems adamant about doing it. So she can comfort people and "get information" from the other side. I then asked her how these dead spirits can hang around when she and I both believe in reincarnation; and she replied that from the point of death, the dead person's spirit exists on the planet for 40 days and 40 nights.

When I asked how she came by that information, she told me it was from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Interesting. I'll have to look that up.

She told me about her past life as a witch, where she was burned at stake and then flew around the crowd, cackling at them. (sighs) When I asked for evidence, she cited recurring dreams. 

I told her a little about my past life, but decided not to name names. Past lives are serious. The one rule about reincarnation club, is that you do not talk about reincarnation club. Too personal.

Hm.

We talked about other stuff, but those are the most interesting bits. After here, I went to "Where Faeries Live" near Whyte Ave because I've yet to check that store out.

It was smaller than I expected. All female customers. I ended up buying two small rocks. One black Kyanite and a rose scepter I think it was called. Just intuitively picked those two up. Looking at the Kyanite description, I'm glad I did. Not too sure about the scepter, if I'm even identifying it right.

So... from here I didn't know what to do. Decided to visit the "End of the World" which is a viewpoint near the river valley offering exceptional views of the city. It was nice. Spent a few hours there reading, but left once it started to get chilly.

Beautiful, right?

Hmm, looks like I did take a photo of that other stone I picked up. Here it is.

Ruby scepter, it says. I can't seem to find any information on this for some reason. Probably mislabeled.

Also saw this book there, that reminded me of Fola and my revelation that she "sold" her soul to the dark side.

Used to tease her about the possibility she was Cleopatra in a past life. If she embraced the psychopathic mentality, then yeah, she'll probably be ascending alright. Anyone who is willing to do anything to realize their goals, are probably going to be successful at some point. I mean, she has a picture of a Land Rover taped to the wheel of her car. You can't get more dedicated than that to the power of wishful thinking.

It's sad to think about. In most of her "liked" videos on YouTube, there's nothing really in there about improving relationships and learning to love more. I called her out at one point about how materialistic she is, and how she is prioritizing money and Land Rovers over relationships. She denied it, but that is only because it will obviously make her look bad if she admits it to be true. It's all about money for her. And I am reminded of that time we checked out the 4 million dollar house, and joked with her about the laundry room and if it was the right size for her (it was huge).

I was so embarassed when she yelped out, "I ain't doing no laundry!" and the realtor gave a fake laugh.

She said it twice. And with this conviction, this serious tone of voice. And this ghetto tone of voice too, like she's some hard ass who could never conceive of doing laundry. 

(sighs) ...

That woman is so messed up. Another thing Trina and I discussed, was the karmic debt that existed between us. Apparently I completed it by calling her out on her bullshit, and by getting her separated from her husband and on track to a divorce. I still remember joking with her early in our relationship about how she needs to divorce Larry so that she and I could be married; and she gasped with shock at the suggestion. I'm pretty sure she didn't consider divorce at the time.

If that was my soul contract or obligation to her, than I have completed it. I suppose.

I don't know man. This New Age stuff is so either way, Some of it could be true, and some of it obviously is not. But what? I believe in reincarnation. I believe we are soulmates or have had a karmic relationship in the past. So... its hard to verify the right answer. There's no way of doing it other than to look at the whole of our relationship, and seeing what was achieved by it.

I loved her fully and I helped her separate from her husband. I showed her how good sex could be. Conversation. Chemistry. And I shared a lot of my vulnerabilities with her and taught her many truthful things.

From her, I didn't get all that much in return I don't think, Not in the amount that I've been giving her, anyways.

One of these days I'll write a post about what she has given me, because there has been good things. Good and bad lessons. Well.. lessons, I suppose, since good and bad are completely subjective when you are meant to grow and learn from them. However they are taught.

It wasn't the most productive of days, but I enjoyed my conversation with Trina I felt renewed afterwards. Just gazing into her eyes helped stimulate my soul, somehow, and she promised to get me in touch with a "man" who might help mentor me along to where I have to go next. It was a throwaway suggestion of mine that I didn't explain very well, but Trina picked up on it and said she would call her teacher and have her teacher give her the name of a guy that I may be able to visit.

Who knows. Maybe something will come of that.

Also found out why Trina hasn't called me for Reiki. She lost my number. Tsk, tsk. Gave it back to her again.

Well.

Finished my book today (Joshua by Joseph Girzone, really good) and went home to dork out on Star Wars Battlefront for a few hours. Haven't sat down to play video games in a long while. It felt pretty good. Made a new friend on there too.

And.. that's about all for today, dear blog. I really feel more "freerer" from Fola now that I've come about to better understanding the purpose of our relationship. I'm not entirely convinced that I fulfilled my purpose, but a purpose was nonetheless fulfilled. I don't know who owes who what "debt" as far as karma goes. I think she owes me. Still does.

Still owes me money too.

(sighs)

Well.

Yeah.

I wonder whats going to happen when I die someday. When I get answers to all this. And if there are any consequences to her actions and behavior. I'm sure she's rationalized it all away to make herself look better, but I hope that if there is some sort of judge in the afterlife, that "it" will review us fairly and accurately render a decision of some kind. To what end, I don't know. Or perhaps we are going to be judging ourselves, once we meet up on the other side. If we do.

(sighs) New Age stuff.. Got to love it.

Well... guess I should head to bed. Meeting mom tomorrow, and Robin, the man that wiped out 700k of debt. Strange how Tyler really wants me to meet him. Stranger still that Robin is excited to meet me, and strangest yet, that this all happened because I found a set of keys at the park.

Life, I tell you. Life. So full of mystery and wonders.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

Three's Company

Third post today, I'm really on a roll.

Figured I should mention that I haven't been feeling anything from the heart space today. This is interesting. And I've noticed a lack of genuine interest in getting my latest post for the blog ready for tomorrow.

I'm thinking this all has to do with my not feeling the "possibility" that Fola wants to get back with me. Or that I've severed my connection with her.

I'm not feeling that warmth. It's very curious. Perhaps this is today only, and tomorrow will prove differently. I think it was that session playing with Tinder that may have done it, I'm not sure if it was there before that. I think it was when I was up early in the morning. Not completely positive.

I'm mentioning this because I think it is important. Before I met Fola, I really REALLY was feeling the heat from my chest. So much so that I kept covering it whenever it got too intense.

This is fascinating. I wish I could remember this heart stuff before I met Fola, like.. a year ago. Or two years ago, but I don't.

I just hope this doesn't mean she actually is my Twin Flame/Soulmate.

Otherwise I'm screwed.

(sighs) Finished my online WHIMIS course, now I have no idea what to do with the rest of my evening.

Thought I'd read, but I've already read plenty enough.

I don't like sitting around. I want to progress somewhere.

...

Lead me to where I must go next, God.

My peace of mind depends on it.

Fresh Start

Strange. Decided to go to the park later today (I keep going to parks, why?!) and had the urge to install Tinder onto my phone. Spent the next hour or so flipping through the profiles.

A lot of beautiful looking women on there, but I have no idea if "she" is going to come to me by way of this app.

What was strange, is that after I was done all this, I felt empty. Like my soul deflated itself. I'm not too sure why that is, because I was optimistic before I installed the app.

I would think that the idea of everyone looking for love, and many of the profiles on there featuring jaded looking women or women who are overly pretty; just kind of sapped my spirit. There were a few ladies that seemed normal and bright and happy, but with Tinder the way it is, I wonder how much time it would take to make them emotionally detach themselves from any potential suitors. Because inevitably, they are going to get the ones asking them for casual sex. And the sneaky ones that pretend not to want sex, but end up wanting sex. Fooling them. Damaging their trust, and spoiling it for the rest of us who wants to find something serious and meaningful.

I don't know what is going to happen of this, but I did get my first match shortly after I signed up. It wasn't anyone too amazing. I just thought she looked nice, and I'm not sure if I will be messaging her. Shouldn't the person who gets the match be the one to message? I have no idea how this is supposed to work.

And then the post-matching conversation. Meh. I'm just going to cross my fingers on that, and hope for the best. Not going to stress myself.

(sighs) Yeah. Single again.

Gloomy day outside. Been gloomy the past couple of days and I haven't seen the sun at all. Not too happy about that, because I like greeting the sun each day I see it.

Guess I'm weird like that.

Well... I have online courses I need to do. May as well go do them.

Justin isn't returning my texts. Michelle hasn't either. Sheila sort of ignored what I wrote her last night.

(sighs) It is so easy to feel unloved right now. So easy. Especially after that incident with Fola.

But I refuse to feel this way.

Even if the entire world hates me, I cannot ever apologize for who I am and how I feel.

I am a good man. I try to be one, anyways, and I feel that I deserve someone special to share the rest of my life with.

I feel deserving of this person. And I spent a bit of time today going over stuff that I don't need around the house. Cleaning out the unused items. I may have to pick up some boxes from someplace, because there is a lot of stuff.

And I realize that I laid down my roots in this place I live. I didn't think I would be here for 7 years and now have anyone move in with me, or for me to move in with them. I didn't think it would be this long. I also didn't realize that I was filling the place up with random odds and ends. It seems like I'm threatened by empty space. It's kind of weird.

And I know that it is common, as well, for people to want to fill in the empty spaces around them. Nobody I know has a counter-top without something sitting on it. There are no large gaps around the place.

I'm going to try to be more minimalist from here on. I am realizing that it is not good to have so much stuff around me. And its even worse if I expect someone to move in with me and there is no room for their stuff.

I'm going to do my best to drop the attachments I have to everything I own. I love my books, and most of those will stay, but... even my movies have been going unwatched for so long. I've always thought that I would someday have a child who would grow up and want to watch them. But even if I just have company over, a movie is kind of rare. I know with Fola that we probably only watched 4 movies in the entire time we've been together.

(sighs)

I... am tired of feeling like a prisoner in my own home. Maybe this is why I keep going out to parks so much. I'm just not comfortable here like I used to be.

Maybe I am unconsciously preparing to move on.

I don't know.

But I can't be here forever. I'm pretty much saturated by everything around me. The neighborhood, the streets, the stores.

I don't know how some people can live in the same place for over 20 years. 30. 40.

The instructor I went to for H2S said he lived in the same house since 1967.

Ye gods. Maybe it is a really nice house, but I don't know. I mean.. I doubt he's there alone.

Hm.

I originally bought this place with my mom thinking that it would be a good investment, and seven years later I think the prices are even lower than they were back then.

They were supposed to be building four upgraders here. That is why I thought it was going to be a smart move. Guess I took a shot and it missed the mark.

Hm.

Having this place is nice. Was nice. Well... it still is nice. The freedom. Having my own space. But then I hear the traffic outside and I get annoyed by it. I hear pinging sounds coming from the floor (every time it gets cold) and I do not welcome them because I have no idea how that can be fixed. If it can be fixed. I'm assuming it is the contraction and expansion of the ducts underneath there.

Well blog, I do feel like this is heading towards the end of the line for me. I don't know how else to describe this feeling. I may as well make preparations and pare things down. Box up whatever it is I don't need and store them in the basement, I guess.

Or give them away.

And I am reminded of how much money I've spent on all this, over the years. I didn't need so many coffee cups for example.

Hm.

Well.

I'm clearing out all the old energy.

And making room for something brighter to come in.

I just hope it comes soon.

The past should be the present

I really wish I knew why I had to meet Gina first, before I met Fola.

I'm thinking about this, and I can't come up with any answer other than to know that the next good person that comes into a relationship with me, should not be taken for granted.

Had I met her now, she would be a complete breath of fresh air. I would've stood by her all the way and do my best to make us into the people we are more wanting to be.

But obviously, this is not the case.

This morning, I was still shaking my head over Fola. Luckily, my orientation was scheduled for tomorrow and not today, so I went to the park and did some reading and thinking.

She is not a good person. I have to keep reminding myself. No values. No compassion. No empathy.

Unable or unwilling to really love another human being. Even her own child.

Got her husband into polyamory, doesn't pay back her debts, doesn't put anyone else's interests ahead of her own immediate gratification, and is the biggest hypocrite that I have ever met. Let alone dated.

I'm sure I can think of more bad things to say about her, but I don't need to. All I can do is remind myself that I am worth more than to be with someone like her.

I am worth more.

And the next girl I manage to hit things off with, is going to be a lucky one. And so will I be. Because I am ready, now. I understand my worth. I know better than to be placing someone up on a pedestal, and I had to learn that message multiple times.

I think I've got it now, but I'm not sure. I'll need to put it in practice first.

So, universe. God. Creator of all that there is.

Bring her on.

Reunion

What a strange night. So strange, that I've been woken up from bed at 2:57am, not feeling sleepy at all, and feeling like I should write this all down.

I went to bed shortly after midnight.

What woke me up is not (maybe) Fola, this time. I remembered dreaming about something in particular. Not sure what it could be, because no memory of it was left with me.

It maybe was important. There wasn't any feelings of fear involved, or any particularly strong emotion, so I am not sure what caused me to wake up like this.

Yesterday, I saw Fola again. Went to the SRF and was there about 40 minutes early. As I sat in my car, I noticed her pulling up a short distance to my right. Wasn't completely sure if it was her or not, but I could tell that the person wasn't white, so it only could have been.

She and I got out from our vehicles at about the same time. 7:50, before the session would start at 8. I walked towards the entrance, and she walked perpendicular, until we met.

First thing she did was the smile, and a "oh" of fake surprise. She asked me if I came here often, and I said no, I was here for the beads I accidentally left.

We didn't say much as we walked upstairs to take off our shoes and coats. As I was finishing up with my clothes, I told her that it was nice to see her again. She didn't say anything to that, and went into the bathroom.

I found myself a place to sit, and she sat in the row to my left. About three chairs over with the space of the aisle between us. If I wanted to, I could turn my head at any time to look at her, but I didn't. Throughout the hour of all this, I looked at her twice and both times she did not look back.

Carolyn, one of the SRF members, was behind me and smiled while giving me the beads. I thanked her.

The rest of the session was.. what it was. I tried following along as best as I could, but kept from singing any of the songs. I didn't know the words, anyways.

There was an interesting speech on activating the chakra between your eyes, and how meditating upon a certain image can help bring you into contact with God. Or it was a sign that you were in contact with God.

The meditation periods were the most interesting for me. I was really feeling a sensation in between my eyes, and though I was trying to keep focused on my breathing; I was plagued with thoughts of Fola. Well, maybe not plagued, but she sure interrupted a lot of it.

In meditation, I could really feel some of the energy enter my body and into my head. With each inhalation of breath, it felt like I pushed my mind up "higher", and made a mental note of myself to attempt this once I am alone, and not thinking of her. There is value to be had in exploring this further.

At the end... Well. We talked inside for a bit near the entrance, and when I asked if she wanted to go for coffee and to catch up, she said, "catch up with what?"

That was when it all started to fall apart.

"Catch up with life?" I answered. "You know. How have you been doing, how has work been, etc."

We did not end up going for coffee, and instead caught up inside and then outside of the SRF.

I was stunned by her. The more we talked, the more I began to see that she actually had no feelings left for me. She had completely moved on. Not only that, but her... answers to my questions were short and didn't reveal very much. It felt like I was talking to a robot at times, being given the most basic of information as possible.

I can't even begin to explain how this all felt, because I'm unable to categorize her behavior. She made me feel like I have never existed, and that the things we've shared didn't leave any kind of impression on her.

This is the woman that I have been blogging about for months, now. The one that I am thinking was thinking about me every day. The one that I felt "connected" to. And here she was, shrugging off our entire relationship. Yawning at me repeatedly throughout the conversation, and clearly uninterested in having it.

It was so strange. Such an eye-opener. Although we talked, it feels like I didn't learn very much. She's been busy lately with her new job. Ivy is okay. Larry is "same old, same old" (fake laugh). And...

I tried asking her about why we broke up, and she didn't have an answer for it.

"But haven't you thought about this at all?" I asked.

Again, her answers were so non-descript and short, that I can't really capture them in this post. They were not memorable enough for me to remember.

All I could think was that she must have found someone else to be with. So much for our twin-flame/soulmate relationship. When I tried to confirm this with her, "we're completely dead then right? This is over?" she replies, "for now, yes."

For now. Yes.

There was a part where she said she still loves me, but I'm looking at this woman who seems hesitant about holding eye-contact and is constantly yawning and fake-smiling and fidgeting to leave; and I realize that she doesn't love me. She never did.

She can't love anyone.

And...

I am truly at loss for words.

She is a woman without a soul. Trying to find it.

And she does this by attaching herself to the people that are soulful, and who are sensitive and loving and giving.

No wonder she latched onto me.

She made mention that she was on the phone while sitting in the car for a half hour. I didn't think to ask her who she was talking to. It was none of my business, but I got the sense that she found someone else to latch onto. It would not surprise me if it was Cody, the guy that she called a "player" and whom she appeared to be surreptitiously flirting with over text when she allowed me to look at her phone.

There was nothing eventful about our conversation, and I was put into a confused daze towards the end of it. Not really believing that this woman is human.

It really did not seem like she had a soul. And I am reminded that of this song she really likes called, "I'm not human at all" by Sleep Party People.

She was not human at all.

I accused her once of having a short memory. Things really fade quickly for her, and I really saw the full of effect of this tonight. Everything good with us appeared to be gone. We did not hug each other. We did not connect emotionally with each other.

There was nothing left between us.

Driving home, I had to pull over onto the road to stop and try and figure out what I was feeling.

I couldn't really feel anything but stunned. Not angry, not sad, not love, not hope or fear or disgust or shame.

Just stunned. I couldn't make sense of the way she behaved.

I've never seen much depth from Fola during my time with her, and I saw even little tonight. There is no substance to that woman. She seems to operate by intuition alone, and mimicking the semblance of humanity.

It was disturbing to think about. I texted Michelle trying to figure this out with her.

We couldn't really figure much out, other than confirming that she was a narcissist; and that she likely did find someone new to be with. Of course she isn't going to be paying attention to me, anymore. Twin flame? Soulmate? She didn't care. Synchronicities? Big deal. Those were so long ago that they've become irrelevant.

And so, I am going to be moving on. I am wondering now about how much of our relationship was really my feelings keeping it going, and not her own.

I am wondering now what is was that I was feeling, when I felt the warmth in my chest and the pressure in my head. Maybe I was still connecting to her, but those feelings had to do with her being with someone else.

Or maybe, those feelings had nothing to do with her at all.

Maybe I imagined everything.

And that doesn't disappoint me as much as I thought it would.

Because I know that I brought my best to our relationship. I gave her my heart and soul.

She had no heart or soul to give.

And that is really the summary of our relationship.

She had no heart or soul to give.

And so I had to give it to her.

(sighs) I am not making much sense with this post. I feel emotionally neutered myself, right now.

I don't think I love her anymore. I don't have...

No. I do love her. That is wrong. I love her in this tragic sort of way.

I love her like I would love a handicapped child.

I love her like I would love a blind and deaf dog.

I love her.

I wish she could be healed of whatever affliction she has.

Maybe she is healed, I don't know. I imagine in her own mind that she would be thinking so.

She must have really suffered some abuse over her life.

Or something.

Maybe she was always like this.

I have to remind myself that she was polyamorous when I met her. She was the one who convinced her husband to do so.

I can't respect a woman like that.

I can't respect her at all for how she behaved while with me.

When I asked her about how "disrespected" she felt over that YouTube video; she shrugged it off.

It is no longer worthy of being argued about. And that was the event that lead to our breakup.

I feel so strange typing all this. I've finally met my ex after three weeks, and it was so uneventful.

There was nothing there.

And I am confused by her. I once accused her of having a short memory, and it is obviously the case. Emotions do not linger with her. No matter how strongly felt they may have once been.

The best sex of our lives, was with each other. I still believe that.

The best chemistry/connection of our lives, was with each other. I still believe that also.

And, yet, none of that mattered anymore to her.

I don't think I will ever understand any of this. I can only apply the narcissist/false twin-flame label onto her and move on. It almost felt to me like she was brain-damaged.

If that is the case, then I...

Yeah. I can't do anything about that other than to be sympathetic.

To love her like I would a handicapped child.

(sighs)

She is beyond healing. She is...

Wait.

I don't think she is beyond healing.

Perhaps I have helped heal her.

I don't know, and I don't think I should be dwelling on this. Have I made her into a better person for having met me? Maybe. But it sure didn't feel like it.

Whatever had to have happened with us, has happened.

I think I came into contact with a very evil person, and I think I made them less so.

Or more so.

(sighs)

I don't know.

...

I can't even think of anything to write here.

I can't analyze someone so.. beyond my realm of familiarity with people. I have never met a woman like her before. I don't know who I can compare her with other than Lauren, and Lauren wasn't this bad, I don't think.

I am going back to sleep. I've got a course in the morning to go to, and a new job to start next week.

Life is going to go on. I'm alone and single again, and now I can walk forward without wondering if Fola is still thinking of me or if we are going to be back together again.

I don't care anymore about those things.

She is damaged.

I could not fix her.

Or maybe I did.

Or maybe I made things worse.

It doesn't matter anymore. I know she is not a good person. Never was, and likely never will.

She will always pretend herself to be human, when she is not. Always leaving a good impression on people. But once an intimate relationship starts, then its a completely different ball game.

The "using" begins.

And it all becomes one-sided.

(sighs)

God... I don't know how to feel about all this.

I remembered how baffled I was in the parking lot with her. Something clicked in my mind with her. This feeling that she really didn't have a heart or soul to her.

She really did not think about us much.

And...

Well...

I did. And now I think I will no longer have to think about her as much.

I forgive her.

I see now that she is broken.

She...

Yeah.

I did not know how to fix her.

And I am not perfect myself, either, but her damage is... deep and dark and complex.

She is not really human. There was never any warmth to her.

And she wants to be a healer.

I am baffled.

I can only stand aside, and tell God that I have done my part.

This is what I was intended to do. To love her as much as I could, until I couldn't.

I guess that is what my purpose was.

(sighs)

I want to stop this post and go back to sleep, but I keep getting this nagging feeling that I am not writing something. That I'm leaving something important out.

Just now, a warmth in my heart is beginning to develop. Didn't feel much of a warmth yesterday, but I do now.

Little bit of head pressure, also. Just started.

Hm.

I wonder.

Is it me? Is it her? Is it someone else?

Is it my true Twin Flame doing this to me?

Is she here? Will we meet?

...

It's 4:28am and I have to be up in two hours.

I don't know how I'm going to survive a day of orientation with so little sleep, but I will be doing my best.

Just like I've always been trying to do my best.

I am still a good man.

I still have much to offer.

And...

I deserve better.

I am worthy of being loved.

And someday I will be.