No more backing down, you'll see
Whatever lies in store for me
I'll get through it
There'll be no more going half the way
You'd better listen to these words I say
Whatever ties they bound to me
I'll cut through them
Now I found some
Grace beneath the judge's gavel
Grace among my brothers on the firing line
Grace upon this road less traveled
Grace beneath the pines, the pines
Grace beneath the pines
There'll be no more running round for me
No more going down, you'll see
The line is drawn; my enemy
Better stay behind it
There'll be no more lifting half the weight
My will is strong, my back is straight
Whatever lies they told to me
I'll see through them
Now I found some
Grace beneath the judge's gavel
Grace among my brothers on the firing line
Grace upon this road less traveled
Grace beneath the pines, the pines
Grace beneath the pines
There'll be no more running round for me
No more going down, you'll see
I'll get through this
Now I found some
Grace beneath the judge's gavel
Grace among my brothers on the firing line
Grace upon this road less traveled
Grace beneath the pines, the pines
Grace beneath the pines
Felt the compulsion to play this particular song soon after I woke up and started thinking of her again.
She's my girl.
I'm convinced. It's been so many months of feeling like this and now it's October and I'm still waking up in the morning thinking about her. She just pops inside my head.
I love her. I need her. I can't stand being apart like this.
I miss her crooked smile, the same smile I have. I miss her heart, a heart as big as mine only not as afraid to share it.
I miss..
It doesn't matter what I miss.
She's there, and I'm here.
We are both alone and wanting the same thing. Only she doesn't think I can offer it to her. And I can't think of any way to convince her that I can. And that I will.
I don't want to end up on my deathbed with her name on my lips. Unless she's right there with me, holding my hand.
I can't do a goddamn thing about this.
It's all faith from here on out.
But, faith in what? Getting her back? Should I be (possibly) deluding myself that such a thing could happen? Will she ever write me an email or show up at my doorstep, or call me at some point in the future?
I don't know, but that is where my faith has to be placed. I can't contact her. I can't do anything but wait.
And I can't let her go, in the meantime.
Not until I know for sure that she is not the right girl for me.
But, she is.
All the little things I remember about her, makes me believe it.
The way she didn't want to say anything when they got her order wrong at McDonald's and I offered to fix it.
The way she would look at me sometimes.
The nice things she's done for me. The little surprises.
The way she hugged me when I told her my father passed away.
Her heart is as big as mine.
But...
I couldn't bring myself to believing it enough. It was too surreal. Too unexpected.
I've been hurt countless times, for so many years, by dozens of cruel and immature people.
I couldn't throw caution to the wind and show her what she wanted most to see. I'm too ashamed of how vulnerable and... naive I am.
I still remember the night when we first met. It was cold. Dark. Snow was on the ground, and I arrived at Slice without any expectations. I planned on seeing Gyngie after, and didn't think anything would happen with us. Despite how well our online conversations were going.
When she pulled up next to my car, I gave her a silly smile and a wave.
She did the same.
And then those paper flowers she made me. That I joked about...
And how she trusted me enough after, to invite me to her place.
"David, would you like to come to my place?"
I could only shyly nod.
...
She's.. Me. She's my other half.
Fuck, man...
I'm probably completely out of her mind at this point. Everything I've given her, is likely in the trash. My cds. My chapters. That frog I gave her. That Easter bunny.
Probably my pictures. Maybe even the texts and emails.
I'm sure she occasionally thinks of me, but.. I'm scared to know what it could be about.
(sighs)
I'm supposed to have faith.
But, in what? In her?
Faith in her coming back? Or faith in someone better than her who will come along and make me realize how stupid I was for obsessing over Gina?
I don't know what I should be believing in right now.
Maybe.. Maybe this is a test.
Maybe true love waits.
But..
(sighs)
It's so hard for me to be patient.
I suppose that's another test.
Patience and faith.
It's all I can do.
Whatever lies in store for me, I'll get through it.
I always do.
Maybe someday, I'll find grace beneath the pines.
