Love that new chalkboard of mine.
I learned a couple of important things last night.
The first lesson, happened while Gyngie and I were in bed, watching the lasers dance on my ceiling and her head on my chest as I ran my fingers through her hair.
Tom Wait's album "Closing Time" was playing, and the song "I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You" was on, and I was a bit stoned, and so was Gyngie and..
I just imagined that the girl with her head on my chest, was Georgina.
And I realized right there, what I did wrong with her.
The moment I shared with Gyngie, was the moment I wanted to share with Georgina. The lasers, the music, the comfortable bed, her head on my chest, us sharing the silence.
But, I didn't. We never had this kind of moment together. It took two years of my knowing Gyngie, before I.. I guess.. threw caution to the wind, and allowed my true self to shine.
I made her dinner. Cleaned up afterwards. Had her tease me about being OCD about cleanliness, to which I inwardly chuckled, knowing how I was before and how I am now. There was no pressure on me. I was calm, collected, content and feeling very secure with myself. The last time I had felt this way with a girl, was around five years ago with Kim, and that was for one night, and I had little idea at the time what I was experiencing, but I know it now.
I don't want to fall in love with Gyngie, and I don't want her to fall in love with me either. But, last night made me say "fuck it" and I.. became the man I should have been with Georgina.
A man capable of, and appreciative of the silence. A man comfortable with who and where he is.
Before, I was always.. uncomfortable with the void. I always felt like I had to put a movie on, so it wouldn't be "weird" .. and.. I realized that this "weirdness" is really what I should have been chasing with Gina. The weirdness of not ever once turning on the television to pretend to watch a movie, and just chilling in bed to music.. Well, that's what I should have aspired towards. No expectations. No biases. No disrespect or shame or embarrassment.
No pretending.
No pretending.
And.. I realized who my true self really is. And how much I love it. And Gyngie.. well, Gyngie was really.. affectionate towards me once I brought out who I actually am.
We had sex, and I made the bad joke afterwards of saying,
"Great! Looks like we don't have to have sex for another year!"
Because, we've only had sex twice before last night. I just.. can't be with Gyngie in that way. She scares me. On disability. Hasn't worked in two years. Has little desire to improve herself or to chase her dreams, or even have a reason for living. Next month her disability runs out, and she's going to be out of money and I doubt she's going to find herself a job, but she really needs to otherwise she'll be evicted and broke, and even more miserable than she already is.
(sighs)
Second thing I figured out last night, was what I should be doing about the scarecrows.
I figured that I'm going to be following my heart on this decision. I refuse to be motivated by the fear of forever losing Georgina if I pass up this opportunity. If it doesn't feel like the right thing I should be doing, then I won't.
It really felt like.. last night was the reaffirmation that I am on a path of some kind. I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning. I'm writing these things down so I can remember them. I know now, what I should be doing in a relationship. How I should be acting. Feeling. Sharing.
Gyngie helped teach me that. Whether she realizes it or not.
And I know that Gina breaking up with me, had to have happened. Otherwise I would not have had this epiphany. I would still be clueless about what to do, and scared of losing her and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want her to think less of me and I pretend to be something other than who I actually am. To hide myself and my vulnerabilities. To put up a facade. Even though I thought it was a convincing one to get away with, I understand now that it wasn't.
I know now, the error of my ways.
As for the scarecrows.. I don't feel like leaving them right now. But I don't have much time left to decide on whether or not I should go through with this idea.
We'll see what happens.
We'll see what my heart has to say.
Have to go get ready for work.
Fun and games are over.
I love you baby doll.
Always will.
