Crazy. And it was such a strong thought, that I had to check out the dictionary to see how it would apply to me. This is what I found.
1.
mentally deranged; demented; insane.
2.
senseless; impractical; totally unsound:
a crazy scheme.
3.
Informal. intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited:
crazy about baseball.
4.
Informal. very enamored or infatuated (usually followed by about):
He was crazy about her.
5.
Informal. intensely anxious or eager; impatient:
I'm crazy to try those new skis.
6.
Informal. unusual; bizarre; singular:
She always wears a crazy hat.
7.
Slang. wonderful; excellent; perfect:
That's crazy, man, crazy.
Hmm.
Thinking about this for a bit, I had to accept a few of these words when it comes to describing myself. Although the word "crazy" traditionally has a negative-association with it; I'm going to hang my head and agree that the following applies:
Intensely enthusiastic/passionately excited: This does happen to me. Particularly when it comes to subjects like spirituality, movies, music or certain views I hold about the world.
Very enamored or infatuated: Yep. The past entries I've written about Georgina is proof of this. Am I really in love with her? Or am I only enamored/infatuated?
Intensely anxious/eager/impatient: Yes. This applies to me as well sometimes. But I've been doing a better job than I have in the past, in keeping such feelings under control.
Unusual/bizarre: Uh, huh. I'm a pretty unconventional person.
And we'll skip the slang part of the definition. So, am I crazy? Yeah, by definition of the words I listed above, I certainly am. But because we tend to use crazy in a derogatory sense, implying feeble-mindedness, an inability to conform/function and a lack of empathy/self-awareness; I had to to clarify exactly the ways in which using the word "crazy" would apply to me.
I don't know what got me onto this train of thought, but waking up with that thought in mind was weird enough for me to seriously investigate. This is what I've come up with. A rationalization.
I've met people who consider themselves to be normal, when they are anything but. And vice-versa. So I suppose crazy is entirely a subjective term to be using. It does not necessarily mean that there is a mental illness or neurosis involved. Everyone has some form of "quirk" or quality about themselves that others can perceive as being irrational, right? So then it becomes a question of degrees, and how far up the crazy ladder you can go before being deserving of that label.
Hmm. Am I unusual? Yep. Not many people take the time to explore the minutiae like I do. I really try to understand myself and the effect I have on my surroundings. Am I weird? Well, if you want to break down that word, then it means unconventional, so that would apply also.
Now, is being crazy a good thing? I would argue, yes. It is. Unconventional thinkers are what breaks society out from the mold, and inspires progress, innovation, new ideas. If every one of us thought the exact same way, in a rational, restrained fashion; we would not be breaking much new ground. Creativity comes from a type of chaos, and it is the management of this chaos that separates the mentally-ill from those who are able to tap into the deeper parts of their psyche to bring out new ideas and ways of being, understanding, and so forth.
So with all that being said, I started to feel comfortable with the idea of being crazy, and I now have a better grasp of what my personal boundaries needs to be. At first, I thought restraint is all that's needed, but it's not the correct word to be using either. It's more like self-awareness, discipline, and the ability to objectively appraise the value of your thoughts is what forms the divide between crazy and creative. Between positive and negative interpretations of the word.
You can be crazy in a good way, and crazy in a bad way. The tricky part is assigning value to the actions and thoughts that come up. Are they good, or are they bad? Entirely subjective depending on the aspirations and intentions of the individual.
So.. Anyways, Tracey isn't coming by today. And that's fine by me. I feel a sense of contentment in accepting this, mainly because I was able to objectively appraise the situation with her.
First off, she didn't message me about the details of coming over until I messaged her first, although she said yesterday she would "let me know" about what today's plans are.
That's a strike against her already, since she knows I'm working nights and that my time is valuable. I need to know in advance how to make the most of what little spare time I have. And her waiting until so late in the day to say anything, just made things more complicated than they needed to be. I cancelled out on a 12 hour shift just so I could get enough sleep to see her today. That's.. like 150 bucks down the drain already.
No big deal. But the next thing was that she doesn't have a car, so I would have to drive 35 minutes to Millwoods to pick her up, 35 minutes back to my place, and then 2 minutes of (possible) sex (heh) and then 35 minutes back, 35 minutes back home again to go to work.
Really a big inconvenience. So I asked her if she would be willing to take the bus one-way, and save me an hour's worth of driving.
No, she replied. Saying she's not a "bus person".
Okay, so how about a cab? She said sure, depending on how much it costs.
I found out it would be about 75 bucks. Quite a bit. So she said no to that obviously, and didn't say whether or not she would be fine with my paying half of it.
And that's where I left off on the conversation. With the words, "I understand".
The thing that irks me most, is that I drove three hours to Jasper to meet her. I paid for our meal there. And drinks. I drove us around. I made her laugh, and put her in a good mood and affirmed her worth as a human being. And now, when the shoe is on the other foot, she won't pay three bucks to take a bus here because she is not a bus person.
That about tells me all I need to know.
I was never attracted to her in the first place, anyways. If I have any confidence in who I am and what I have to offer people; then I should stand firm, and remain unwilling to go to great lengths to give up my time and energy and money just because someone is unwilling to compromise.
I spent at least 150 bucks driving to and from Jasper with the meals/drinks included. Probably a bit more.
And she is unwilling to spend a dime, it seems.
So.. Whatever. Although I am driven to making dumb decisions due to the possibility of sex being involved, I'm finding myself feeling proud about not budging on this particular matter. If she is unwilling to make a compromise to see me, then why should I go the extra distance? Just for sex? I've done it in the past, and I don't think it's really worth it. Especially when I don't love the person I sleep with.
And especially, if they don't like me enough to try and go the extra mile for me.
So.. No Tracey today, and although she asked about seeing me tomorrow, I don't know how it is going to happen. I don't think I can make time to drive back and forth, four times. 40km one way. So, 160km total. That's just dumb, and we wouldn't have much time to ourselves anyways if I do.
There's a bit of pride in me being able to turn this down, and I feel invigorated by it. Even if the sex was guaranteed, I still wouldn't do it. And that's a big step forward in my opinion, as I have driven long-distances a couple of times just for sex, and again, it just wasn't worth doing for the act alone. However, the experience of meeting someone new and becoming intimate with them, was. I don't know. Kind of a double-contradiction, I can only say.
The end result of all this rambling, is basically that I choose to stay true to my heart and apply rationality to my life. Which is great. I'm likely in a better mood now, than if I did go waste two and a half hours driving around in exchange for sex and then going to work after.
Again.. Tracey just doesn't do it for me. I love women, all kinds, and I love being intimate; but not at the expense of who I am and what I need.
That's the big difference. What I need and what I want, are two different things. What I could do, and what I should be doing; are decisions that depend on personal integrity and values.
And I made the call to stand up for myself and my worth.
Feels good, man.
Also, this is the second time I caught my laptop from falling to the floor while peeing. I swear, I have such God-like reflexes. First time, a little bit of pee splashed on the floor, being that I was holding my uhm, member, with the right hand; second time, had me expertly shifting to the left, and grabbing hold of the monitor with the right. Caught it both times. Caught a cup in mid-air once too, with my cousin Jessie witnessing. She thought it was impressive.
Awesome. The Flash is about as quick as a snail caught in a bucket of molasses compared to this guy. (hooks thumbs towards chest)
Work, work work.
