And because.. Just because.
It started with this urge of mine to write her an email. Not an email I would be sending anytime soon, but a letter that described things I wanted to say to her.
And.. By the time I was finished writing it, I would already have been late for work. At the end, I just.. felt exhausted. Beaten. I went upstairs to bed and fell asleep in my work clothes.
Then, coming downstairs at 10:45, I went to the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror. And cried for the first time in weeks.
I only cried a couple of tears, and suffered.. still suffering from this heavy feeling in my chest, of wanting to cry more, but resolving myself not to.
Yesterday, was actually a good day for me at work. It.. was strange. I remember waking up, feeling very annoyed that I had to go, and my key broke off in the lock as I was leaving, just putting me into a completely foul mood.
So, I thought I'd try it again. Picked up the Gnostic Gospels, flipped through, and nothing. Because I was entertaining thoughts of Buddhism earlier on, I then picked up "The Buddha And His Teachings", flipped through, saw the section on Noble Truths; and still felt unrewarded.
What now?
I then picked up a book I ordered from Amazon a while ago, it's the complete James Allen Treasury. It has all nineteen of his books, and is entitled, "Mind Is The Master".
Flipping through didn't give up anything relevant, until I reached the end and came across the section (book) called, "James Allen's book of meditations for every day in the year".
With renewed curiosity, I decided to find out what was written for that day. October 22nd. Here is what it said:
(groans inwardly at having to write it all out)
"Whilist a man is dwelling upon the past or future he is missing the present; he is forgetting to live now. All things are possible now, and only now. Without wisdom to guide him, and mistaking the unreal for the real, a man says, "If I had done so-and-so last week, last month, or last year, it would have been better with me to-day"; or, "I know what is best to be done, and I will do it to-morrow." The selfish cannot comprehend the vast importance and value of the present, and fail to see it as the substantial reality of which past and future are the empty reflections. It may truly be said that past and future do not exist except as negative shadows, and to live in them-that is, in the regretful and selfish contemplation of them-is to miss the reality in life."
That was the passage that scratched my itch. There was another one I found immediately after, which described joy to be found in work. Unfortunately, it's buried somewhere in this nearly thousand-page long book, so I can't find it.
And work went well for me. So well, and smoothly that my foreman came up to me later in the evening and said that I should go for a smoke. He was satisfied with the work I put in, and saying that gave me a boost.
Well, at least until the end of the evening, where I had to cut a few corners on this one job I was doing because he wanted it done by the end of the night. I'm still unhappy about how I left it and hope that I won't be called out on it. It's a "good" enough situation, and not a "this was done exactly the best way it should be" kind of deal. Basically, I cheated, so as to get the job done in the time that my foreman wanted, when I really ought to have taken my time with it and not rush.
Anyways, yeah. Locksmith came by today, and despite my describing the situation over email; I was told it would cost 300 bucks for parts and labour to replace the lock. I was initially told it would be 45 dollars and up to replace a lock. Guess it goes way up. And this is for 15 minutes of labour too.
I told the guy no, and gave him 30 bucks. What a waste of money. I've changed locks in the past, so I know what is involved and.. 300 is an absolutely stupid amount to be charging people. Deceptive also. He was trying to convince me that I couldn't buy this kind of lock he was going to install at Home Depot, and that it is the "highest quality".
Give me a break. I'll just have to do it myself, I guess.
And yeah, I was writing the email before he arrived and picked up after he left.
It's pathetic. I don't want to copy and paste it in here. But the gist of it, is that ... I want her back, and I wrote..
Oh, God. It IS pathetic. But.. I poured my heart into it. I told her how I couldn't stop thinking about her, and that I needed to know if I have a reason to continue hoping. I invited her to breakfast. I told her how much I wanted to meet her kids. Her family. Her friends.
And I'm realizing now.. that I'm such a sad person. I'm so.. broken, or in love.. or something. Something is.. wounding me every day, and restoring me all at once. Like that story about Prometheus being punished by having vultures peck at his organs, while being tied to a boulder. Only for his body to be renewed the next day, so the ordeal would continue on.
And I feel like Prometheus right now. I really do. It's maddening to keep thinking of her like this. It's a special type of hell to be wondering and wishing and hoping for something that I can't have.
Someone, that I can't have.
I don't want to send her this email, and be rejected again. I don't want to be ignored.. again. It is a cruel way of treating someone, to not tell them anything, and I don't think I can take it. Wondering if she read the email, or if she received it and wondering what she thought of it.
Wondering, wondering wondering.
Imagining, imagining imagining.
I hate it.
Fuck people who do that to others. There is no..
Ugh.
By saying that, I'm essentially saying, "fuck her".
And I don't want to say that.
Holy God, do I ever need hope, right now. I need something to remind me that all will be well, and that good things are coming. And I need to know if I should let her go or not. I need to stop thinking about her. I can't stand it anymore. I need to put my energies elsewhere. But..
But maybe this is how it has to be. Maybe this kind of torture is needed, in order for me to grow into a better human being.
Maybe.. I'm being selfish. Maybe I need to grow up and realize..
(sighs) .. I don't know anymore.
There is this passage also, that I came across today:
That circumstances grow out of thought every man knows who has for any length of time practiced self-control and self-purification, for he will have noticed that the alteration in his circumstances has been in exact ratio with his altered mental condition. So true is this that when a man earnestly applies himself to remedy the defects in his character, and makes swift and marked progress, he passes rapidly through a succession of vicissitudes.
The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves, and also that which it fears; it reaches the height of its cherished aspirations; it falls to the level of its unchastened desires; and circumstances are the means by which the soul receives its own.
Also from James Allen. I can't help but sort of agree with his statement on how earnestly redeeming the defects in my character, will yield "vicissitudes" which means a series of favorable changes in circumstances. Basically, think positive -> be rewarded with positive things.
I can only kind of agree to this. As.. (sighs)
I'm tired.. the battery in my laptop is almost dead. It hasn't been charged since I wrote that email and I have to go plug it in.
I'm so tired.
My heart is lonely. My soul is wounded.
My chest is heavy.
And I'm so tired of it all.
I'm going to clean the place up a bit tonight. And think.
It's all I can do, for now.
Maybe another epiphany will come.
