They really missed the point of what made the original so good. But yet, I still keep playing. Mainly for how awesome the kill animations are, but it's still too frustrating to be fun. Oh well.
Laying in bed right now, watching my red laser dance on the ceiling and I'm still happy with how dad's bed is looking.
And those Philip Hue bulbs.. (fans self) .. really sets the mood. And that emoji pillow, and Nic Cage.. Well, it's quite a scene.
Too bad I don't have anyone I'd like to share it with.
Before I go "woe is me" in this entry, I need to confess that I know I sound crazy with the way I talk about Georgina. But I do love her. She did change me. Those two statements are irrefutable facts.
So, all night I was struggling. Had a few "oh God" moments while playing the game, but I experimented with the idea of letting her go, which I think is the next thing I need to be doing.
I can't win her back. Not from where I am. Not now. Nothing I can say or do will ever convince her that I'm willing to give her my everything.
And, I have to accept that.
But.. there is one way. And its such a stupid idea, but the only way she'd ever contact me again, is maybe if I finish writing my novel. Maybe if it gets published, and it's good, she'll comment on it.
That's.. really all I've got, as far as hope goes.
I pay a lot of attention to how my mind works, and I noticed earlier that whenever I had a "oh God" moment or if I start thinking of some other guy being with Gina, or.. (sighs) whatever else that gets me flinching; I noticed that there is a kind of tranquility in me that is operating behind the scenes. I can't arrest it when I place focus on it, but I do notice in the peripherals that it's the easiest, most stress-free thing I can do right now.
Just let her go. Slowly. Gently.
And everything will be okay.
That's.. the feeling that gently speaks to me out from the depths. Just let her go..
Let her go.
It's.. a scary thought to entertain. Letting her go. But..
I'm..
(sighs)
I really don't want to. But I realize I have no choice. I can't change her mind. I can't make her see how sincere I am. I can't make her fall in love with me, or fall back into "infatuation" with me.
It's..
Done.
And I should never let a woman affect me like this, but I now understand what it is like to grieve, and I'm ashamed that I've grieved less over my father, than I did with her.
I can't help who I am, and what I want.
I need to live a life where I can be proud of myself for who I am.
I need to work on myself, before I'm ready to be in a serious relationship.
I can't keep pining like this.
If we were meant to be, than we would be. My "soulmate" wouldn't have broken up with me through text like she did, or refuse to answer my messages, or reply to my email.
Or to throw away my cd.
My soulmate..
(sighs)
She's my girl.
But I can't have her. And she doesn't want me. She doesn't love me.
So that's that.
No scarecrows at the end of the month. No reminders to her that I still think of her.
I've already embarrassed myself enough.
But..
Why does it have to be like this?
Why did it end the way it did?
I remember one of the things I said to her on the phone, the last time we chatted,
"It doesn't have to be this way!"
"Yes it does!"
I don't understand it. I don't know how.. why...
She won't tell me anything. She didn't .. she broke up without warning. Without the courtesy of telling me what the reasons really were.
So I have to guess at them.
I'm just not good enough for her.
I was a shitty boyfriend.
I don't deserve the respect of being broken up with in person.
And.. it burns me to know, that her ex Dustin; managed to get back together with her after leaving a note on her windshield (years ago, when they broke up) and I can't .. do anything similar.
I can't compete with an angry sociopathic alcoholic, it seems. One that she had two children with.
And who she's been with for a few years.
And Gina couldn't make it to the six month mark with me.
So..
That really hurts.
And.. I need to accept that even after all this, I'm still worthwhile. I'm still a good person. I know myself to be. I've had many people say it. Strangers. Even a police officer.
I still remember that moment, years ago. For no reason, Constable Greenwood called me a "good man".
And all I did was talk about movies/tv shows/music and made a few jokes with other people in the room.
I..
I deserve better than to be with someone who gives up so easily. Who..
(sighs)
Who doesn't seem to really have any empathy, now that I think about it.
And who I didn't really enjoy kissing.. compared to other girls I've been with.
So..
She's.. Gina is the reason the relationship ended.
Not me.
Gina ignored my messages.
And yet.. I have my share of the blame in this as well.
So..
I guess we're both losers.
And.. I've done my part. I've done enough after the breakup to show her what my true feelings were.
And she ignored them.
So..
I've made another hypocrite. That's what I've noticed in most of my relationships.. I turn women into hypocrites. And in this case, Gina did not want "love" as she initially claimed.
She wants.. Something easy, I suppose.
Someone simple.
Not.. this complex mess that makes up my personality.
I have too .. I'm too.. I'm difficult to really get to understand.
If I don't trust someone, if I feel afraid of having my trust violated or can sense a good possibility of it happening; then I don't share the whole of who I am with them. I just give them the parts that I don't mind having on display.
My heart.. Well.. That thing is locked up, right now.
(sighs)
As it needs to be. Until I'm ready.
I wish I could.. just be myself...
And be accepted.
And not have to apologize.
And not have to be so weird. And constantly thinking about things. And reading about spirituality and self-improvement and .. trying... trying to make something of myself.
Instead, I keep.. getting hung up on the idea of needing a relationship before I can get to where I need to go.
But.. maybe I've been doing it wrong.
I should..
I don't know what I should be doing yet.
But.. I'm going to write a list. It'll have all the things I want on there.
An acreage.
A dog.
A loving wife.
Kids.
Money.
A published book.
Normal hearing.
A good looking body
...
And then..
I should do whatever I can, to make these things happen.
Because, as much faith as I have in God, I don't have nearly as much faith in myself.
And that has to change.
I can't delegate my wants and needs to some invisible being or angels in the clouds.
I have to take charge of my life, and shoulder the responsibility of doing so.
My dad would be embarrassed had he known how hung up I am/was with Gina.
He.. didn't find love.. so, how would he know. But.. He was a role model for who I'd like to be, with my kids someday. Not exactly like him, but the best parts of him. His sensitivity. His intelligence. His simplicity, and his complexity.
His secrets.
My dad was quite a guy.
I hope that someday, someone will say the same about me.
My son, particularly. Or sons. Or kids.
Daughter.
That's one other thing, Gina doesn't want any more kids. And she's 36. So, she's done with having them.
... I need to find someone who does.
(sighs) ..
My life isn't over, yet.
My heart has taken a beating.. is taking a beating..
But I'm going to stand tall.
Make myself proud.
And stay true to who I am, and who I want to be.
It won't be easy.
But its all about the journey, not the destination.
I have to accept that.
And I have to believe I can do it.
So..
I don't know how to end this blog post.. heh. Just rambling along...
My girl... baby doll... Carolyn. Georgina.
...
You...
Yeah.
You ended things.
And I'm crazy for..
(sighs) ..
My thoughts are changing on a dime here.. faster than I can type.
I'm crazy for wanting someone, who does not love me.
And does not respect me,
And gives up easily.
Without warning.
So.. yeah.
Other than those things. She was nearly perfect.
But...
If there's one Gina out there...
Then, there might be others.
Somehow, I doubt it.
But I'm always willing to be surprised.
...
(sighs) ...
This is not going to be easy.
