Well, heh. Not particularly! But.. I can make ordinary everyday events interesting, couldn't I?
Wait, don't answer that.
So, day off.. or, night off to be more precise and a few small things here and there are worth reporting on.
Started off by getting out of bed at 4pm, and then.. er, wasted the next hour and a half playing Star Wars Galaxies on my phone, which is only pushing me further into the idea of abandoning video games altogether (as if). But! I, uh.. hmm, I didn't level up a character. Actually, I don't think.. Oh wait, I got enough shards to make Greedo a 7 star character. So he's maxed out. Impressive, huh?
Yeah, no it isn't. Video games.. Sheesh. I feel like going on a rant here about how "back in my day" they didn't rape people with micro-transactions and false pre-release hype/marketing, and more sequels and less original properties and more CG cut scenes, and less content (you can pay for the complete game later!).. and games are like 130 bucks now, if you want the "deluxe" edition, which basically should be the full game, and then these massive bug patches that you have to download gigs of, and.. oh, fine. I'll stop here.
Anyways, got showered up, wore my "let's hug it out" tshirt with the silhouette of a bear on the front. Filled up with gas at Safeway, got smokes and drove on over to Whyte Ave, where I was supposed to meet at Gyngie's place because she wanted some pot.
So, on the way, I passed by Raggazzi's which is Gina's favorite pizza place and had a brief flashback to us being in the parking lot, hanging out and hugging and being flirtatious. I remembered the waitress and how Gina excitedly told her we were going to be seeing Elvis that evening (impersonator, obviously). And, uh.. yeah.. kept driving. Parked near Gynger's place and she seemed to be in scramble mode when I texted her that I was nearby.
"Fuck! Hopping in the shower now!" She wrote back.
I told her to take her time, as I was going to get some food and decided to step into Chapters, where I came across an interesting book of poetry all about lost and unrequited love. Flipping through the pages had me nodding at some of the things "R.H. Sin" was writing about. Here is the cover:
And an excerpt:
I thought I'd buy this book, but believe it or not, it was over 30 bucks. For less than.. I don't know, fifty pages? Of double space and pages like the one above, with less than twenty words? Nope. No thanks. As much I would appreciate a book like this, I don't want to have to read it knowing how much the author raped my wallet for the privilege of doing so.
Anyways, yeah that excerpt hit home for me. A few others did as well, and I've already got this on my Amazon wish list for whenever the price will go down. Twenty bucks is my max for something this light on content. Despite how powerful said content is.
Like video games, remember.
So.. I did actually buy something from Chapters, and it wasn't a book. I love browsing the random gifts they have scattered about, and as always, I'm a sucker for aged/distressed wood; so this coffin box of Jenga blocks made my heart skip a beat.
So.. Left Chapters and was in the process of sending Gyngie a text telling her I'm just a few minutes away; when out of the corner of my eye came two well-dressed young men, with big beaming smiles on their faces.
It took me all of a second and a half to register who they were.
MORMONS!!!!!
Immediately, before they could get a word in, I told them they wouldn't want to talk with me and that I get into arguments all the time with Jehovah's Witnesses/Mormons, etc. They didn't mind, of course, and both decided to shake my hand anyways. Good, confident squeezes too. I was immediately appreciative of how well they pressed palms. Guess that sort of thing comes with a lot of practice.
I asked them a few questions about Mormonism, told them I read a bit of it, and that I respect what they do and that I was spiritual myself, etc. They were really friendly, and didn't try to promote any sort of agenda on me, probably because they sensed that I've been approached enough times by people of their ilk.
The interesting thing about life, is that we sometimes come across people that make a difference to us. Even if they are complete strangers, we find inspiration whenever a pretty woman smiles at us, or whenever a handsome man holds the door open, or.. Someone pays for your coffee as you approach the drive-through window at Tim Hortons. There's all kinds of ways that we can change other people by effortless means, should we harbor the thought of goodwill and compassion whenever such opportunities present themselves.
So, in this particular case, I was the teacher, I think, in these two young kids lives. It wasn't a long conversation, but I told them both that one thing I know for sure, is that they won't be finding 'Truth" within the book of Mormon. Or any one religion. I told them to look into Buddhism, Daoism, Sufism, and Dhalism, who is a pretty cool character to play as in Street Fighter (he wasn't actually mentioned).
They seemed interested in what I was saying, as one of them asked me what book would I recommend most out of all the ones I've read, and it didn't take much thinking on my part to come up with the answer.
The Gnostic Gospels.
Brief rundown on these gospels. They are basically remnants of what did NOT make it into the Bible. They are primal and raw. Like first-draft "what the hell was I thinking?" raw. Some of it is very hard reading, and I don't pretend to understand it all myself, but the Gnostic Gospels are certainly compelling scripture/literature should anyone take the time to peruse it.
This is the version that I have. From the Folio Society, which I luckily stumbled across in an antique store a few years ago. It's a beautiful book.
Link
Would've recommended this too, but the one was enough. https://www.amazon.ca/Buddha-His-Teachings-Samuel-Bercholz/dp/1570629609
So, I gave them the recommendation, expressed my admiration for the passion they had and ducked out, since I was already running late. They again shook my hand, and gave big smiles as I went off to pick up a donair. Really nice guys. Although I have grave doubts that "Gabriel" actually told Joe Smith to write the darn book of Mormon. I'm pretty sure it was his own idea, and I have a good sense of why he did it too, given where he was at the time and what he was dealing with. Still impressive how he managed to come up with all that though. Same with Muhammed and the Koran.
Picked up my donair, complimented the owner on how nice his place was (little things like that matter) and went over to see Gyngie.
First off.. Hoo boy.
Well, I already knew she wasn't well, she complained about being on her period and suffering from cramps, but.. looking at her wall, I could see..
Fruitflies. Dozens of them.
In the past, I objected about seeing these things. Telling her not to leave standing water or food laying around (which she still does, anyways) and now they migrated from her kitchen to the living room, sticking themselves onto the pictures she had on the wall.
Imagine seeing six or seven fruitflies crawling over a framed photograph of your sixteen year old daughter. It was .. deplorable. Sickening.
So, I told her that. Why aren't you doing something about it?
(sighs) .. She got upset, as usual, claiming there's "nothing" she could do about the fruit flies swarming around her apartment.
I reminded her again about the standing water/food and then said she should've mentioned it to me earlier, as I would've brought over a fly ribbon for her to have. But..
"Do you always find something to criticize?" she rhetorically asks. As if I was making an unwarranted complaint.
"No," I responded, scanning the mess of her apartment. "But I'll let you know the second I find something."
(sighs) she's.. not in a good place. Gyngie is completely broke and is almost out of food. She may or may not get her disability check next month. She's already fighting to try and get an extension. It may or may not happen. And she may or may not have to get a job.
I'm depressed just thinking about her. She.. she's comfortable with her situation it seems. She hasn't worked in two years. She's obese. She's lonely. She's.. a dreamer, a romantic like me and she's..
Well, she's capable of doing so much more with herself. If only she would try, and have faith in her ability to do so.
I mean.. she was living with those fruit flies for months. She's made peace with them. She's basically given up that bit of dignity in having a place devoid of a bunch of flying black dots.
And she's been making me feel like a douche for bringing it up whenever I come by.
Am I seriously supposed to ignore bugs going around all over the place? A dirty carpet? Dirty walls? Dirty curtains? Dirty.. everything, basically?
Because it's all "criticism" according to her, whenever I bring these things up. And I don't do it in a mean-spirited way, but there really is no tactful way of expressing my disappointment in her not caring about such a very basic standard of cleanliness. I can overlook a lot of things, but once you get bugs flying around and maggots crawling through the carpet, maybe you deserve a little flak for having let things get so far out of hand that you feel too "overwhelmed" and lazy that the thought of correcting or cleaning any of these things, is easily ignored in favor of playing video games and watching YouTube videos all day. That's when she's not sleeping at all odd hours of the day/night.
Yeah, I know she's a mess, and that's the thing with me. Whenever I come across people like her, I feel this compulsion to help them somehow. Not financially, but with advice. And I'm not able to do much of anything with Gyngie. Nothing I've ever said or suggested or made an example of (ie. my own clean home) has really stuck with her. Or maybe it has, and change has been coming gradually, but I honestly don't see how I can convince her that having fruit flies in a house is "bad" and that she should do something about it. She should already feel disgusted enough.
And that's the thing. She is so far at the bottom, that she's comfortable there. She has no inclination to really pull herself up. I mean, yes, she does go swimming sometimes, and yes, she is on a diet at the moment, trying to lose weight; but I've known her for two years now, and what I see of her now, is almost exactly the same as I've seen back then.
Small attempts at change, and then being discouraged at the results.
It's a tough problem to solve, I admit. I tried explaining to her how I became concerned with keeping a clean home (thanks Gina), but I didn't tell her about how her breaking up with me was what kicked things off. I told her it started with my making the bed in the morning. No matter what else was there to clean or do, I only had to make sure that the bed was made. That was it. And the psychological lift it gave me as I entered my bedroom to see a nicely made bed; eventually extended out to other areas. And it then reached the point where it would only take me a quick ten-minute tidy (thanks again Gina) to get my place in a condition well enough to receive visitors with.
But.. it's such a challenge to try and impress change onto people. And that's the thing. I've tried a lot of approaches, and when the desire to change does not exist in the individual; no matter how good the advice is, they will never act on it if they don't want to.
And that's the part I need to accept. That some people don't want to change. They don't want to better themselves, and they would rather play the victim instead of take responsibility for their actions. I know I've been guilty of this in the past, but I do try and take responsibility by learning from my mistakes and trying to keep from repeating them.
Still though, I find it challenging as well. Trying to keep from repeating my mistakes.
Tonight was a good example of that. Last time I saw Gyngie, it was magical how I just "clicked" with her and thought I had it all figured out as to how I should be with women.
And then tonight.. Well, that thought did enter my mind, about how to be, but another urge made itself known and that is my neediness. My need for affection.
I'm pretty embarrassed by it. I want to hold hands. I want to kiss. Hug. Make someone smile. But.. I don't want to do it with someone that I don't actually have romantic feelings for. And yet, that is what I did with Gyngie the last time we were together, and tonight.. while we didn't kiss or have sex or anything like that; I did hold her hand, and gave her a hand massage, and..
I don't know.. I felt like an idiot. I felt emasculated. I don't feel that "way" with her.. and.. it felt like I was betraying my soul. I mean.. I liked holding her hand and giving her a hand massage.. but.. it didn't feel right. It felt like it was more for my benefit than it was for hers.
Felt like my insecurity was coming out, and that's the part that bothers me. The need for attention/affection/admiration overwhelmed the need for me to stay true to myself. And I have to make sure I keep myself reminded of this in the future. But.. it's tough. There's following my heart, and there's following logic and then there's my ego, which messes everything up and complicates things even further.
My ego can really get the best of me sometimes. It's like if I met someone on the street who REALLY wants to know what 2+2 is and doesn't have a calculator or way of figuring it out (hypothetical, stay with me) and then I come along, hear about this person's problem and tell him/her that the answer is 4. But instead of being grateful, they turn their noses up and go, "hmph! that can't be right!" and walk away.
That's how I feel with Gyngie. I take it personally, or my ego does, whenever she glosses over what I consider to be good advice/suggestions for improvement.
And.. it's basically a form of rejection on her part. The implication being that my advice doesn't apply, or that it's not practical or useful to consider.
So.. my ego, my pride takes a hit, and like a drug.. I keep coming back to try again. With new advice. New ideas.
Same thing like with my cousin Marek. Living with his dad in the basement. Haven't had a girlfriend or job in years. Just never really put the effort in, and it was the reason why I stopped hanging out with him.
People like that exist out there. People that shun the world. People that don't feel the need to challenge themselves, or to grow, or to become what they most want to be and realize their dreams.
And I take it extra-personally, because I struggle myself sometimes, in trying to do the right thing. But I am trying. I made a point to tell Gyngie that even if it takes 20 years to get my novel written, then it will take 20 years, but I have to keep trying at it. And keep faith in what I'm doing.
Same thing she has to do.
The struggle is what defines us, I think. Not the achievement. Yeah sure, I mean a published book or breaking a world record is going to define you, but that's superficial in a way. It's not who you actually are. It's how you are perceived, and that's a big difference to know about.
Just ask any famous celebrity who has to deal with reconciling their public image and who they actually are. Their neighbors might know. As would close friends and family.
So, I have the strong belief that although Gyngie keeps telling me about how she wants to write, and how she has an English degree, and how much her professor loved her writing; she is talking about doing these things more so for validation from others, rather than for herself. To be "perceived" as worthwhile, than to actually be worthwhile.
Kind of a complex subject, and I'm tired, so I don't feel like thinking too much about it right now.
So.. that's pretty much the night. Came home at 2am, cleaned up a bit, listened to a podcast and fired up the laptop to post this entry.
The little changes. The small things we try and do, affects all of us.
Except for certain people.
(sighs)
It's the struggle that defines us.
And there is challenge is finding contentment within yourself, despite not having accomplished anything of merit.
But.. nothing worth having is ever free, and..
Boy.. am I tired..
And I'm rambling.. I could probably go on and on until I pass out from exhaustion.
It's the little things.
Embrace them.
Share them.
Know them.
Stay true to yourself.
Not to your ego.
And always keep trying.
That about sums it up.
Picked up my donair, complimented the owner on how nice his place was (little things like that matter) and went over to see Gyngie.
First off.. Hoo boy.
Well, I already knew she wasn't well, she complained about being on her period and suffering from cramps, but.. looking at her wall, I could see..
Fruitflies. Dozens of them.
In the past, I objected about seeing these things. Telling her not to leave standing water or food laying around (which she still does, anyways) and now they migrated from her kitchen to the living room, sticking themselves onto the pictures she had on the wall.
Imagine seeing six or seven fruitflies crawling over a framed photograph of your sixteen year old daughter. It was .. deplorable. Sickening.
So, I told her that. Why aren't you doing something about it?
(sighs) .. She got upset, as usual, claiming there's "nothing" she could do about the fruit flies swarming around her apartment.
I reminded her again about the standing water/food and then said she should've mentioned it to me earlier, as I would've brought over a fly ribbon for her to have. But..
"Do you always find something to criticize?" she rhetorically asks. As if I was making an unwarranted complaint.
"No," I responded, scanning the mess of her apartment. "But I'll let you know the second I find something."
(sighs) she's.. not in a good place. Gyngie is completely broke and is almost out of food. She may or may not get her disability check next month. She's already fighting to try and get an extension. It may or may not happen. And she may or may not have to get a job.
I'm depressed just thinking about her. She.. she's comfortable with her situation it seems. She hasn't worked in two years. She's obese. She's lonely. She's.. a dreamer, a romantic like me and she's..
Well, she's capable of doing so much more with herself. If only she would try, and have faith in her ability to do so.
I mean.. she was living with those fruit flies for months. She's made peace with them. She's basically given up that bit of dignity in having a place devoid of a bunch of flying black dots.
And she's been making me feel like a douche for bringing it up whenever I come by.
Am I seriously supposed to ignore bugs going around all over the place? A dirty carpet? Dirty walls? Dirty curtains? Dirty.. everything, basically?
Because it's all "criticism" according to her, whenever I bring these things up. And I don't do it in a mean-spirited way, but there really is no tactful way of expressing my disappointment in her not caring about such a very basic standard of cleanliness. I can overlook a lot of things, but once you get bugs flying around and maggots crawling through the carpet, maybe you deserve a little flak for having let things get so far out of hand that you feel too "overwhelmed" and lazy that the thought of correcting or cleaning any of these things, is easily ignored in favor of playing video games and watching YouTube videos all day. That's when she's not sleeping at all odd hours of the day/night.
Yeah, I know she's a mess, and that's the thing with me. Whenever I come across people like her, I feel this compulsion to help them somehow. Not financially, but with advice. And I'm not able to do much of anything with Gyngie. Nothing I've ever said or suggested or made an example of (ie. my own clean home) has really stuck with her. Or maybe it has, and change has been coming gradually, but I honestly don't see how I can convince her that having fruit flies in a house is "bad" and that she should do something about it. She should already feel disgusted enough.
And that's the thing. She is so far at the bottom, that she's comfortable there. She has no inclination to really pull herself up. I mean, yes, she does go swimming sometimes, and yes, she is on a diet at the moment, trying to lose weight; but I've known her for two years now, and what I see of her now, is almost exactly the same as I've seen back then.
Small attempts at change, and then being discouraged at the results.
It's a tough problem to solve, I admit. I tried explaining to her how I became concerned with keeping a clean home (thanks Gina), but I didn't tell her about how her breaking up with me was what kicked things off. I told her it started with my making the bed in the morning. No matter what else was there to clean or do, I only had to make sure that the bed was made. That was it. And the psychological lift it gave me as I entered my bedroom to see a nicely made bed; eventually extended out to other areas. And it then reached the point where it would only take me a quick ten-minute tidy (thanks again Gina) to get my place in a condition well enough to receive visitors with.
But.. it's such a challenge to try and impress change onto people. And that's the thing. I've tried a lot of approaches, and when the desire to change does not exist in the individual; no matter how good the advice is, they will never act on it if they don't want to.
And that's the part I need to accept. That some people don't want to change. They don't want to better themselves, and they would rather play the victim instead of take responsibility for their actions. I know I've been guilty of this in the past, but I do try and take responsibility by learning from my mistakes and trying to keep from repeating them.
Still though, I find it challenging as well. Trying to keep from repeating my mistakes.
Tonight was a good example of that. Last time I saw Gyngie, it was magical how I just "clicked" with her and thought I had it all figured out as to how I should be with women.
And then tonight.. Well, that thought did enter my mind, about how to be, but another urge made itself known and that is my neediness. My need for affection.
I'm pretty embarrassed by it. I want to hold hands. I want to kiss. Hug. Make someone smile. But.. I don't want to do it with someone that I don't actually have romantic feelings for. And yet, that is what I did with Gyngie the last time we were together, and tonight.. while we didn't kiss or have sex or anything like that; I did hold her hand, and gave her a hand massage, and..
I don't know.. I felt like an idiot. I felt emasculated. I don't feel that "way" with her.. and.. it felt like I was betraying my soul. I mean.. I liked holding her hand and giving her a hand massage.. but.. it didn't feel right. It felt like it was more for my benefit than it was for hers.
Felt like my insecurity was coming out, and that's the part that bothers me. The need for attention/affection/admiration overwhelmed the need for me to stay true to myself. And I have to make sure I keep myself reminded of this in the future. But.. it's tough. There's following my heart, and there's following logic and then there's my ego, which messes everything up and complicates things even further.
My ego can really get the best of me sometimes. It's like if I met someone on the street who REALLY wants to know what 2+2 is and doesn't have a calculator or way of figuring it out (hypothetical, stay with me) and then I come along, hear about this person's problem and tell him/her that the answer is 4. But instead of being grateful, they turn their noses up and go, "hmph! that can't be right!" and walk away.
That's how I feel with Gyngie. I take it personally, or my ego does, whenever she glosses over what I consider to be good advice/suggestions for improvement.
And.. it's basically a form of rejection on her part. The implication being that my advice doesn't apply, or that it's not practical or useful to consider.
So.. my ego, my pride takes a hit, and like a drug.. I keep coming back to try again. With new advice. New ideas.
Same thing like with my cousin Marek. Living with his dad in the basement. Haven't had a girlfriend or job in years. Just never really put the effort in, and it was the reason why I stopped hanging out with him.
People like that exist out there. People that shun the world. People that don't feel the need to challenge themselves, or to grow, or to become what they most want to be and realize their dreams.
And I take it extra-personally, because I struggle myself sometimes, in trying to do the right thing. But I am trying. I made a point to tell Gyngie that even if it takes 20 years to get my novel written, then it will take 20 years, but I have to keep trying at it. And keep faith in what I'm doing.
Same thing she has to do.
The struggle is what defines us, I think. Not the achievement. Yeah sure, I mean a published book or breaking a world record is going to define you, but that's superficial in a way. It's not who you actually are. It's how you are perceived, and that's a big difference to know about.
Just ask any famous celebrity who has to deal with reconciling their public image and who they actually are. Their neighbors might know. As would close friends and family.
So, I have the strong belief that although Gyngie keeps telling me about how she wants to write, and how she has an English degree, and how much her professor loved her writing; she is talking about doing these things more so for validation from others, rather than for herself. To be "perceived" as worthwhile, than to actually be worthwhile.
Kind of a complex subject, and I'm tired, so I don't feel like thinking too much about it right now.
So.. that's pretty much the night. Came home at 2am, cleaned up a bit, listened to a podcast and fired up the laptop to post this entry.
The little changes. The small things we try and do, affects all of us.
Except for certain people.
(sighs)
It's the struggle that defines us.
And there is challenge is finding contentment within yourself, despite not having accomplished anything of merit.
But.. nothing worth having is ever free, and..
Boy.. am I tired..
And I'm rambling.. I could probably go on and on until I pass out from exhaustion.
It's the little things.
Embrace them.
Share them.
Know them.
Stay true to yourself.
Not to your ego.
And always keep trying.
That about sums it up.
