1) package of (opened) glow in the dark stars.
2) a partially used sheet of sticker paper with Princess Leia and a Tie Fighter still on
3) one sheet of vinyl lettering, which is a quote from Dr. Seuss "Be who you are, say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." (had an extra)
4) one can of black soy beans (??)
5) a small box of purple Nerds that I believe Gina gave to me once
6) one fortune cookie
7) a key ninja accessory, so you can put all your keys in one spot
8) one book titled, "Horrors: A History of Horror Movies"
That's quite a bit of stuff. Dropping it off at her home which was only five houses down; I immediately knew it was going to cheer her up. Judging by the lawn, I could tell it was a good home to be doing this for. Given the bit of a mess around, and the Halloween decorations and the toys scattered about; I figured it was a single-parent household, or at least, only one parent seemed to care/have time enough to put the decorations out.
My package'll cheer Nancy up. Decided against leaving a note, because now she'll always be wondering about who did it, and why. It'll be a story for the ages.
"This one time I got a package from Amazon, and someone took the box, opened it and put a bunch of useless stuff inside! Who would do something like that?"
Heh heh heh.
Since she has kids, I'm sure the glow in the dark stars, the Dr. Seuss wall quote, Leia and the Tie Fighter; each will all make a child somewhat happy. That book might even be appreciated, too. Who knows if there are many books in that home.
That aside, got to get ready for work again. Rumors are saying we're working Sunday, so no day off for me it seems. And I'm still sick. Still coughing and blowing my nose and feeling bleh.
But, what can I do?
My credit card is almost paid off, with the next cheque, it will be. Then, I'll have to throw a few bucks onto my line of credit and put a bit of a dent into it. It's tough though, 23 grand I have left on that. But I'm expecting around $2,200 on my next cheque, so that'll help a bit.
Slowly, but surely I'll be paying it off.
Imagined her in the smoke pit yesterday. I was sitting on a bench, letting my eyes go over the horizon, when I imagined her walking up to me, wearing her hard hat and a smile.
Looking like this.
It was quite vivid, I have to say. I'm pretty good at visualization.
Also, this is something I've been meaning to mention a few weeks ago but didn't consider it worthy enough to post about, until now.
I get touched at work. A lot. Yesterday was three fist bumps, a pat on the shoulder from Phil, a back handed slap on the chest by the tool crib lady, shook one person's hand, had a back pat from Warren, and I believe my foreman might have done a back slap as well.
I've never gotten touched this much before. It's strange. I don't find it off-putting or annoying, just odd, and I'm curious as to why its been happening so often in the past few weeks.
I feel like a Buddha, having people come by and rub my belly with the amount of touching going on.
And, another thing I realized, is that people seem to really like me. Certain people, anyways. The tool crib lady who is in her late 40s early 50s, had her eyes lit up when I walked inside the crib yesterday.
"I need a pair of liners, hand warmers and a jacket." I said.
"Yes, yes and no." She replies.
"No to the jacket? Who do I have to flirt with to get a jacket around here?"
And our banter went on. I stayed in there for around five or ten minutes, talking with each of the ladies. Made them laugh, especially when something about a guy being on manwatch came up, and I told them I was on "womanwatch" .. yeah.. cheesy stuff to be sure, but they laughed, and to me that's all that matters.
I like making people feel good. I can't always, but whenever I see an opportunity to make someone smile, I'll take it.
Nancy would know that by this point, even if she hasn't a clue as to how all that stuff ended up in her Amazon package.
Other people, too.
Thinking about Gina again.. and I realize that I have nothing left, almost. I toyed with the idea of writing her a long, heartfelt email just before Christmas; and I realized that I shouldn't have to do something like that. She.. ignored my text. My last email. My other texts. Broke up with me through text. Was hostile on the phone.
"You are not getting the message." She first told me, when we last talked. And then launched into the, "don't ever call me again, text me, message me or come to my house or work."
Maybe I should get the message.
But..
She's.. not worth giving up on. In bed, saying my prayers this morning, I pleaded for answers and it felt like a voice came inside. I don't know if it was my own, my higher-self speaking, or something else..
But, I had a little conversation with it. And one of the things I asked, was whether or not I will find my true love someday.
It said yes.
I then told it that I hated being on those dating sites, and I asked if my true love IS going to arrive, then would it be okay if I closed my profiles?
It also said yes.
So..
This.. is a leap of faith to be making. Paying attention to some (imaginary?) voice in my head during a moment of prayer. I recognize this voice, so.. it's not a new one. I remember it most while I was with Amy, and looked at myself in the mirror when it first arrived.
It told me that everything will be fine.
(sighs)
I don't know.. that was a long time ago, and this is now. I don't know if I can trust a voice inside of my head that is telling me what I most want to hear.
Because, it might not be anything other than my imagination talking.
But.. I have no other choice really. I have to put faith somewhere. In something.
And that voice, is as good as anything else is right now.
It's.. a clear, commanding voice. It has no neuroses. It's all-knowing, all-wise, kind, gentle, loving.
Again, it could also be my imagination. So, I don't know what to think.
And given how long ago it has been since I first heard it with Amy, I don't know if I can trust what it says. Because, "you will be loved" was told to me around.. four years ago, I think? I can't remember exactly when I was with Amy.
I can't wait four more years. That's too long of a time.
One of the things I remember thinking as this voice was speaking, is that I have a leap of faith to be making. And it goes right down the darkest of chasms, where I can't see where I might land.
That leap, means to forget about the woman that I now love.
Because, she's..
(sighs)
Gone.
And..
I don't.. think I can ever win her back. Unless I impress her somehow.
But how..?
And more importantly, why? Why should I have to struggle like this, to get her attention?
Because, she's my girl.
And.. I don't want to give up on her.
And.. she's also, not my girl. I haven't seen her in months.
How can I love someone that I'm unable to wrap my arms around? To talk to? To kiss?
But.. somehow, I'm still loving her. Despite the absence and distance between us.
I still love that woman. The girl with the golden heart.
Except.. someone with a good heart, would not have broken up with me the way she did, would she?
We were out of sync from the beginning. Her idea of love, is vastly different than mine.
For me, love is a slow burn. It takes time to let it bloom. You can't force love. You can force infatuation, but not the real thing. The real thing takes time to manifest and be sure of itself.
I..
(sighs)
I have to go to work.
