Just got back from a twelve (12!) hour shift. There's going to be a 12 hour one tomorrow, and another the day after that.
Yippee.
Note the subtle sarcasm there.
Well, I am making the money I suppose. It's what I'm going to work for. Not really thinking about it though, just have this "knowing" that it's something I need to be doing, despite my not liking it.
That's life, right? I shouldn't be complaining. Except, I miss my creativity. My free time. Hanging around at the park with a coffee and listening to music, sometimes reading. Always thinking.
Miss it. Love it.
Didn't manage to come up with much of any new ideas for the octopus story. I pondered for a brief instant, to write it out in rhymes, so this..
"There once lived an octopus, at the bottom of the sea. It was as lost and lonely, as any can be."
That's it. That's all I managed to come up with during a 12 hour shift. Didn't have time to zone out and let my thoughts wander. I spent my first break reading up on octopuses and (partly) Philip K Dick's Wikipedia entry. And then spent the second and third break on PKD as well.
He's such a fascinating guy. I've read his biography, his Wikipedia page and I'm quite familiar with his work. Somehow I felt compelled to go over the stuff I already knew, to see what I could transplant into my own novel. For PKD is one of the characters in it...
Anyways.. I still glossed over Gyngie's visit on Sunday. There were still things I haven't mentioned in my blog about our time together.
I liked our conversations most.
She steered it into a metaphysical direction at one point, and that's when I got really excited. I told her about the separation of soul and spirit, and how (my theory) the soul is nothing more than life energy. Kind of like a battery. Every living thing has a soul on this planet, from the biggest of mammals to the lowest of plant matter. It's the "spirit" that differentiates animals from human beings. And I also believe that the "spirit" of an individual, is recorded in some giant computer in the sky. All of our memories, actions and the things we witness of others; it's all being stored someplace. New Agers call it the Akashic Records, and I should really think of a better term than that, since I plan on putting this idea into my novel as well.
It's all simulation theory, anyways. We're the pawns and the entertainment for an intelligence much greater than ourselves. It makes sense to me. Angels and demons can fit into simulation theory as well as God, the Devil and it makes perfect sense, that a higher intelligence could simulate a convincing form of reality that we are completely oblivious towards.
So.. what now? I'm in bed, tired as heck (and 'heck' means pretty doggone tired) and.. I got to wake up and do it all again for another 12 hours.
Hoo boy.
Thought of Gina again.. she's fading, now. I can't for the life of me figure out how to win her back. I just can't come up with anything. My words are useless. Sending her a text or an email would be a waste of time, as she would ignore it anyways, no matter how heartfelt and sincere any of it all ends up being.
Leaving scarecrows on the side of the street, or snowmen..
Well..
I doubt they'd do anything to make her believe in me.
I just can't do anything. And that's partly what is motivating me to write this octopus story. I want to do something that will catch her attention, but in a positive way. She loved.. uhm.. she was infatuated with my "mind" and I should be appealing to her on that level. I should be displaying the best parts of my imagination, creativity and character by writing a good story that I can mail her someday.
The Lonely Octopus, could be that story. I don't know yet. I haven't had much time to think about it.
I'd like it to turn out well, but I just don't have the..
(sighs) .. creativity, at the moment. The passion.
My sense of humor.
I know none of it is gone, it's all buried in me. Dormant. Waiting to come out of hibernation once I'm finished with work. But.. sheesh. I wish I could tap into these things more readily.
Another thing I should mention, that occupied my thoughts briefly today, is that I haven't been completely forthcoming on my blog. Despite how much I've ranted on here about the smallest, most superficial things; I still feel a pang of regret, for not being completely truthful about this one particular thing I wrote a while ago.
I wrote it because I had it in the back of my mind, that Gina would read this blog at some point.
It was the post where I described why I think she wouldn't like me, what my vulnerabilities and quirks were.
I think I said, "brushing my teeth for a little too long" and "going for random drives" along with being outside barefoot at 1am to look at the sky.
Well, those things are true, but they aren't actually the stuff I'm most concerned about being accepted as having within myself.
I'm.. a dork. I play video games. I think too much, particularly about spirituality. I can be very insecure, and secure all at once. I can be a brave coward, both good and bad in bed, kind and loving and generous and also spiteful, cynical and withdrawn.
It all depends.. on factors that I can't always manage. Such as the type of person I'm with at the time.
With my cousin Marek, I was always the outgoing, joking, thoughtful type.
With others, I can be the opposite. Thoughtless, restrained, without a sense of humor.
I'm such a weirdo.
And every time I type weirdo, or weird, I'm immediately reminded of texting Gina that once. "I'm kind of a weirdo" and she replied with, "we can be weirdos together."
We can be weirdos together.
(sighs)
That didn't happen.
She was ..
It doesn't matter.
She is still the woman I love, and I can't figure out how to get her back.
But, I will be deferring to my heart on future decisions regarding her. I'm just going to have to make sure that they are not impulsive decisions, but.. genuinely sincere ones. Decisions that appeal to the core of my being. My heart.
But, only after I consider for a brief while, what my heart is actually asking of me before I go ahead and accommodate its wishes.
Reason and intuition, hand in hand.
That's the way I gotta roll.
Time to get rolling.
ZzzzZZzzzZzz
