It sucks.
Itchy eyes, chest congestion, blowing my nose.. My body is a biological weapon of mass destruction if I should decide to take it to work with me today. But, I have to. Got to make a living. I've already had three days off, and calling in sick again is just going to raise eyebrows and possibly have me getting an early layoff.
Because, that's how things work there. If I had a doctor's note, it would have bought me some leeway, but I don't, because I don't want to go to a crowded clinic and sit around for an hour waiting for my name to be called, and then telling the doctor I'm only there for a note that I have to pay 30 dollars for and that I already know I need rest and plenty of fluids.
I hope my foreman and supervisor understands this. And I guess when I show up, they can see for themselves that I'm not doing well.
(shrugs) that's the way its got to be, I guess.
One thing I noticed today, is that my feet feel firmly grounded. It's strange to acknowledge that I haven't really felt like I could feel my feet on the floor as I walk around, but I do. In the past, I kind of walked around with "light" feet, if that makes any sense. Where it doesn't feel like I really have them planted, almost like I'm unconsciously at unease with my connection to the ground. Yeah.. It's a weird thing to admit, but its not only that, my posture has improved too. Well, not at this particular moment since I'm sick, but before where I was a bit hunched, I'm standing straighter.
And my back has hurt a lot less than it used to. So much for being diagnosed with ankylosing spondalites a few years ago.
It's hard to describe these kind of "minor" changes, because they're so far into the background of my psyche that sometimes there are no words.. wait.. grace.. maybe that's it. I've become more graceful.. Eh. Nah.. that's not even the correct word to be using for this.
Mindful? Close.. I don't know.. maybe.. optimized.. corrected.. given more fluidity of motion.. more connection with my body.. pfbt.. who knows what to call this.
I'm quite different now than I used to be. Taking a bath, I noticed a little speck on the wall that bothered me enough to want to remove it. I'm doing that quite frequently, I find. Where in the past, I would just go "eh" and leave it. Then these "specks" build up and I soon find myself with a dirty shower, or toilet or floor. It's interesting how my mind has embraced cleanliness, although I have been letting it slide a bit lately, so it's not nearly as maniacal and obsessed as it was before when I cleaned the entire house top to bottom a few months ago.
For her, really. But for me too.
I'm tired of the way I was.
I want to be a better human being.
But, life makes it tough. Especially in a world like this, where the latest Star Wars rips off ideas from a New Hope and introduces "diversity" and plays it so ridiculously safe that it has no passion in it. No art. It's just cookie cutter formulaic paint-by-the-numbers just like a lot of other things out there are. Everybody is too scared of offending someone else. Or not being "inclusive" enough. Or being branded a racist, or misogynist or homophobic, or transphobic.
Or whatever.
I'm sad to see how everything all is.
Bees are now an endangered species. There are no cool toys or cartoons for kids anymore. Nobody reads the newspaper and now it's gotten so thin on content and depressing, that I can't even read it cover to cover like I used to. I have to skim it. And the comics.. the comics were the one thing I loved most about the paper as a kid, every Saturday was a big comic pullout and now..
A single page. And none of them are funny.
No Garfield. No Far Side. No Calvin & Hobbes. No Family Circus, even.
(sighs)
I don't have much time. I have to leave in 20 minutes.
I hope it won't be a bad shift.
Got to have faith.
