No regrets.
She didn't write back, but.. so what. Maybe she read it, and maybe she didn't. Maybe my number is blocked and she didn't get it at all.
What the heart wants, the heart gets, and I'm pretty darn sure I gave it exactly what it wanted.
I remember where it happened, where the thought came from to do that. I was in the washroom downstairs, having a smoke and taking a look at my phone.
The urge came without warning. It was like.. "text her.. do it."
My first instinct, was to distrust that suggestion. I didn't want to contact her. I made a blog post expressing just that, but.. I thought of what I learned with Gyngie, and I did write down that I would follow my heart when it came to the scarecrows..
So, I did.
And whether or not she read it, it doesn't matter. I ended up feeling relieved. Like, all the thinking I've been doing about her these past few months.. It just.. found release. I felt like a burden was lifted.
The first thing I felt after sending the message, was a tightness in my chest and a hollow feeling in my gut. It was.. some sort of mix of anticipation and something else. I wasn't expecting a reply, and I didn't get one, but a part of me prepared against the worst case scenario, and I was fine with paying the price of possibly alienating her further.. or whatever the consequences would be.
If she read it, that is.
And.. in hindsight, I wished I could have said more in that one text. I wish I could've said that I loved her, I miss her, and I still think of her everyday. And that my blog has been regularly updated, chronicling all the twists and turns I've been making, to get up to this point.
So.. it wasn't an impulsive text. It was..
What I needed, I guess. My heart.. my.. whatever you want to call it.
I try and pay attention to these impulses of mine. I rationalize them out and all too often, I dismiss a lot of what my gut really wants me to do. Because I don't trust it. Maybe I'm not looking at the big picture, so I don't understand how certain impulsive decisions have ultimately served me well; but in this case, I gave my gut a chance to express itself.
And I'm glad I did.
I don't know about the scarecrows now. It would be too much, too soon. But.. I do have them, and they'd be a waste to not use. So.. I'm going to have to figure out where to put them. Since I don't think I can do Halloween at my house this year due to working nights; I may.. I don't know. Put them on someone else's lawn.
It doesn't matter. Even if they sit in my garage...
(sighs)
It was my gut that made me buy those things in the first place. And it was also my gut, that helped transform my messy and uninspired home into something respectable and worthy of admiration.
So.. there's that. My gut hasn't always failed me.
But now.. now I've broken the wall of silence between us. I broke that promise I made not to contact her.. and.. well..
It is is what it is.
I love that woman.
I've been thinking less of her lately, but I've been thinking about her when it counts most.
If Gyngie knew I was thinking of Georgina while we were together, she would've been upset at being a stand-in for my ex.
Because, I don't love Gyngie in that way. I don't think I ever can. And she would.. well, I hope she's not getting the wrong idea about me now. She has to know that I don't want to be with her "in that way". But after last night.. I.. well..
Who knows.
So.. NaNoWriMo is coming up next month, and I'm toying with the idea of writing something. Take a break from my novel and get to doing something a little easier, with less pressure on myself.
I can pull off 2,000 words a day, I think. I've done it before five years ago, and I can do it again.
But, what about?
I'm thinking that I could carry on with the novel I last wrote for NaNoWriMo, which is called "Puer Auternus: The Electric Messiah" .. I consider it a bit of a sequel to the novel I'm writing now, but more focused on action and drama, rather than the slow-burn of "No Love Left On Earth" ..
But, I was also thinking about writing something for kids.
Because, I was thinking about .. Well, here is what got that train of thought going. It was a quote I remember by Kali Gibran, author of "The Prophet". He said this,
"I found beauty, in a loving heart. And truth, in a labourer's hand."
Paraphrasing it, but I wonder if the loving heart was his own, or someone else's.
For me, I found love in a beautiful heart. My own. Gyngie saw that of me. I sometimes consider myself to be the ultimate aphrodisiac if that makes any sense. My capacity to love another human being, really has no borders. And all too often, the only thing that stops me from expressing it fully, is my biases and insecurities.
Well, those were all gone last night.
Peeled off. Stripped away.
Erased.
And.. I loved what came through from under all that.
Myself. The me I want to be. The me I always was, but was too afraid to be.
No, it's not the me with the awesome career, the big bank account, the pretty loving girlfriend, or the beautiful kids I (could someday) have.. Or even the home I live in.
All these things are just.. outside of myself. All I can do is reflect my soul onto whatever surface is available to me. My home. Gyngie. My mother. My co-workers. Justin.
Strangers.
My writing, this blog.
I.. really want to leave a beautiful legacy behind when I pass from this world, and I don't know how or what it would be.
So, hence.. the idea of a children's book.
When I wrote the "Goblin Under My Bed" .. that short little poem from years ago, it captured what I want to give to the world. It was a poem about how a hideous, ugly creature ended up actually being a kind and friendly soul. The "moral" of my poem, was to not allow outward appearances to influence the judgement bestowed upon the quality of another's character. I wanted to express that appearances aside; there can still exist a kind and loving heart throbbing underneath what many may consider to be ugly. Or weird.
It's.. interesting that I resonate so deeply with that idea. I suppose it's because I happen to feel like the Goblin, and I happen to have a good and kind heart.
So.. Gina judged me to be a goblin.
And yet, I'm actually something more.
"Hey handsome. What's shaking?"
Heh.
"Hey good looking. Not much. Still getting over the flu." I replied.
And he was getting over the flu as well.
I love moments like that. My happiness is tied to.. other people.. it seems. But.. not usually. At least, not last night it wasn't. I was happy to make Gyngie supper, and to make her feel respected and appreciated.
But honestly? I wasn't even trying. This month marked our two-year anniversary, and I just felt like I should be nice to her.
I appreciate having her around.
Even though she scares me, sometimes.
And I'm not attracted to her.
Well.. not her attitude, at least. That's the part that scares me most. She's an atheist, and she really doesn't care about how far down the drain her life seems to be going. Or has already gone, since she's basically broke and hasn't worked in two years. I'm just hoping she's not going to hit me up for money at some point, otherwise.. we'll probably be done. I can't be sympathetic towards those who don't have the desire to change. Because I know it's possible. I've done it myself. I used to be fat, and lost weight. I used to have low self-esteem and I gained it, to the point of arrogance. And.. Well, other things too I've managed to change in my life.
Granted, my biggest change happened when I was broken up with, but still.
People can change.
All we need is a catalyst I suppose. And Gyngie needs to find hers.
I've already found mine.
I can't state with 100% conviction that I'm ready to be back in a relationship with Georgina, even if such a thing is possible.
But, I am very willing to try. And I'm more ready now than I ever was.
So..
Who knows.
Anyways..
Time to sleep.
