It was not a good shift tonight. I disappointed my foreman, by choosing not to work 12 hours when he needed me to help out. It.. I'm not going to bother getting into the details. It's not a big deal, but I spent the last hour and a half basically doing nothing, until the very last minute when a rush job came up and I was expected to transform into the Tasmanian Devil, whirling around getting stuff done.
Sorry Wayne. I respect you. I like you. I sometimes even admire you, but I'm tired. Demoralized. Lonely. Sad, and trying not to be.
Thoughts of her tonight, were infrequent. Just flashes of her face, nothing much else. Apart from this one moment I had, where the thought of her being happy with someone else entered my mind, and I felt this.. guilt.. or something unpleasant make itself known.
If I love her, I'd want her to be happy. But.. with someone else? I couldn't reconcile that. Couldn't accept it. Felt guilty knowing that I'm selfish to think this way. But also feeling a bit.. upset, that I couldn't be the man she wants. Even though during our first few months, I was.
Work really beats me down. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can't enjoy what I do for a living. I've done it for long enough, that the only reason I enjoy going to work, is the interactions I have with other people. And when I've milked all the archetypes for what they're worth; I'm left with nothing to interest myself with. Don't get me wrong, I love people, but the average construction worker is not particularly well-read. For example. Mike. He has never read a novel, he proudly admits, and he's not the first one to say that either. Does he listen to music? "I listen to everything" is the common answer, but it usually only means whatever is on the radio. Often times, Sonic 102.9, the "alternative" station.
I rarely get into conversations about books or music. Although movies I have better luck with. Since Colby took me up on my recommendation of True Romance, and told me he really enjoyed it.
Everyone else.. well, with few exceptions, by and large the average construction worker disrespects women. Lives beyond their means. Enjoys cars, hunting, fishing, drinking, drugs. Loves money, of course. Watches sports. Often don't have the best relationship with their spouses, or they are paying child support to an ex. Somewhat racist. Makes lewd jokes. Basically, a redneck. And.. it really feels like I've tapped that well dry. I can't.. I mean, I still enjoy talking with people, but its not the meaningful conversation I prefer to have.
Except last night, I had a good and meaningful conversation with a crane operator, who is in his 60s and told me about how much he dislikes tattoos on women ("I agree!") and how he changed careers at 49. And he has no idea what Edo Japan is. "Is it a restaurant?"
Apart from these small moments, I really feel done with this career. And with layoffs being imminent, and with 2017 likely to be a tough year for finding work; I'm going to have to consider alternatives. I need a job that I would enjoy getting up in the morning for. Thrilled to show up and do my part. Even if it doesn't pay as well as the job I have now.
I still think of the hospital idea, but I realize that's not really a position I can apply for because it doesn't exist. Then I thought of old age homes, and.. I don't know about that one either.
Not sure where I'd best fit in, but I know it has to involve personal one-on-one conversations with new people. So, whatever that is. Or at least, it has to be personally rewarding, utilizing my creativity and sense of humor. That would be writing, I'd imagine. But that doesn't pay much.
(sighs) Georgina.. The woman I love..
I.. don't have words to express what I'm feeling right now. That pang of guilt I experienced, when I thought of her with someone else.. It wasn't good.
And still, there's nothing I can do about it, but soldier on.
Tough it out.
Wait for the answers to come.
I'm tired of having lived in Edmonton or around Edmonton, for most of my life too. I'm tired of not having been on a real vacation since 2004 when I went to Vegas. Twelve years ago.
I feel.. so.. trapped. It feels like my life is on rails, not really veering off into any new directions. Just going in a straight line. The same sights. The same people. The same routine. The same complaints.
I'd like to.. I don't know. Win the lottery, I guess, but how likely is that to happen. Not very.
Just going on rails.
James Allen.. Hmm. He was lucky in having a wife, and retiring at the age of 38 in a cottage by the sea. That's a dream come true for me. I can see myself living the same routine he had, of meditating in the morning, writing, gardening and then talking with people in the evening. What a great, stress-free life he must have had. Kudos to him.
But, I live in 2016. Where we have income tax, unlike back then. And we are basically the working poor; trying to pay off our mortgages, utilities, and paying taxes on top of taxes and surcharges and interest and whatever else. Slaves, more or less.
Although, if I really am motivated to do what Allen did; I probably could find a cheap cottage someplace. Anyplace, in the world. Perhaps the Czech Republic (Slovakia) even, if I can apply for a dual-citizenship. Or Poland. But, I imagine I wouldn't enjoy living there. No matter how cheap the cost of living might be. My experience with Polish people, haven't been very positive. Heavy drinkers and partiers, you see. Not particularly empathic, or thoughtful.
I'll have to look into my options. Formulate a plan. Work towards executing it.
On top of all the other things I want to change about my life. It can be overwhelming, to go through the list in my mind of what I want to work on.
I've already lost weight. Twenty pounds or so, from when I was broken up with. Just not having much of an appetite. And I notice now, which foods have been causing me these stomach gurgles/cramps that I've been dealing with for years.
Pizza. My favorite food. And it depends on the type of pizza as well, as certain kinds seem to have no effect on me.
Coffee doesn't help either. Neither does sugar. So, I've stopped eating junk food for the most part. Indulging in small amounts. Still drinking coffee though.
Hmph. There's progress being made in my life, I suppose. Physically, anyways. Spiritually, some changes I think. Intellectually, a few things in there as well. And emotionally.. Well, phew.. that one.. is harder to gauge. I'd like to think I'm more in control of my emotions now, and that I understand them better post-breakup; but I can't really tell if that's the case or not. I do have a better understanding, but it's putting that understanding into practice which matters the most.
Advice is useless, knowledge is useless, until its being used. And I've accumulated a lot that I haven't been using.
Which is probably why I want to write. To get all those things I've learned down, onto paper, so they won't be so useless anymore. Just emptying my mind out, might serve some value to someone, somewhere, sometime. Who knows.
The best form of education, is when it feels like entertainment. And that's primarily why a novel seems like the right medium to be expressing what I've learned inside of. And this blog, also, has been helpful, even though my entries have been feeling like a dry read without much humor inside of them.
Oh well.
The best part of who I am, seems to emerge only when I'm relaxed and without stress.
And that is hard for me to pull off when I'm working full-time. At this particular kind of job.
It wasn't always this way, but it is now.
(shrugs)
This or next week, might be layoffs at work, so free time is around the corner.
I just hope I can make the most of it. I loved my summer. I still consider it to be one of the best and most productive use of my time off for as long as I can remember. But, I didn't actually write very much. I got a lot done around the house, sure. And I dated a lot of girls. And I kept myself busy each day and meditating, and reclaiming my authenticity, but I don't know if I can repeat all that once I get laid off again. There's not much left to do around the house now. Apart from maybe the drywall in the garage, and organizing everything in there. Maybe a few decorating ideas. Maybe a bit of painting. That's really it.
Hmm. We'll see how it goes when it happens. I'm sure to catch up on my reading. Got a lot of books to go through. So I'm looking forward to that, at least.
Well blog.. Just want to say thank you for being here. I didn't realize how important you are to me, until I was forced to find a way to confess my feelings, without making anyone uncomfortable. You're my priest, my confessional booth. And I don't know what I would be thinking and feeling right now, if I didn't keep posting on here.
I'd probably be in a murky swamp. My mind muddled. My pain magnified. Feeling even more lonely and sad than I am right now.
So.. I really appreciate having you here, my blog.
And I'm glad to be writing in you.
Now.. Well.. yeah.
Just.. going to keep pining away, I guess.
Trying my best to listen.
Until the answers come.
