Raining outside, and I'm hoping to leave work early if it's still raining at 8/9.
Feeling blah, right now. And I made a bit of a discovery regarding those thoughts of Gina. As usual, woke up thinking about her and I'm now realizing that some of my thoughts are paired to regretful moments. Or moments between us where I wish I would've said something different. Or done something different.
I said I was in love, but.. Thoughts like these, they can't be love. I don't feel good having them. I don't like knowing how I wasted certain opportunities. I don't like thinking about what could have been.
And that is what runs through my mind.
What a waste of mental energy this all is. Four months it's been since I seen her, and this is what I occupy my mind with.
I'm not going to berate my.. Mind, or soul or heart or whatever is actually prompting these thoughts, because I know better than to fight myself. It'll only get worse if I do. I can only grit my teeth and soldier on.
What other alternative is there?
Maybe I could force a more constructive way of being. But I don't know how to do that. Should I repeat mantras to myself? If so, what should I say? Should I try and crowd out these thoughts? With what? What could be more important that will override them?
I honestly don't know. This all feels like a ride I'm on, and sooner or later, it has to end, doesn't it?
But...
Its been happening for months now.
I don't want to imagine this still happening in a year. Or years.
There's no.. Closure for me, it seems. Whatever reasons Gina had for breaking up, they seem to be ones that she likely found contentment with. Even if they are false. Even if she based her reasons on a mistaken assumption of who I am.
And that's the part that irks me, because.. She has little idea of who I am and what I've been through. I didn't share enough of myself for her to really know these things.
And so, a pang of regret hits me, wishing that I had opened myself completely to her, when I could.
Except, my reasons for not doing it back then, were and still are, good reasons to have. I couldn't endure another heartache. Another disappointment. Another failure.
And I find myself doing just that.
In spite of having tried to protect myself and to take things slow with us.
I have to endure another failure. The worst one yet.
And I refuse to let it break me.
So, then. I must go on enduring. For better or worse.
It's not a pleasant way to be, but I see no other option. Unless I were to reactivate my dating profiles, and give it my very best shot.
Again. As I have been for years.
And I'm so tired of doing that.
But... It's one option.
Only.. I can't face another rejection. I would rather be alone, than to be rejected again. I don't need to feel reminded of how worthless I appear to be, to the people I want to be with the most.
It hurts too much, to try. And..
I'm just not ready to go through the same motions as I have been for years. Keeping faith alive for the "one" to arrive.
Because I think she already did.
And..
It's why I keep thinking of her. Because either way, I need to grow from this experience. Whether or not I end up letting her go, or if I somehow come across an idea or plan to get her back; I have to learn something important about myself. And I'm not yet sure what that might be.
Because I don't ever want to make this same mistake twice, that I made with her.
I'll never forgive myself if I do.
And so, I endure.
I wait.
I listen.
I pray.
And I still try to have hope, and to be a good person.
Its all I can do.
Time to go to work, although I really don't want to.
But I have to endure it.
(sighs)
I'm really reminded of how precious free time is. And how I need to make the most of it.
I need to push myself to move forward, even when it feels like I'm standing still. Going through the same motions everyday.
Eat, sleep, work.
Think about her.
Write on my blog. Read a few pages of a book.
The same thing, day after day.
It's raining, so I know she must have a migraine right now. It always happens during bad weather, and she rarely complains about it. And pushes herself through.
Maybe that's something I need to learn from.
Off I go.
