Work went well, really well. Another 12 hour shift in the bag.
Highlight of the night, was this:
My foreman Wayne, came by to get me onto a new job that had to be done, so as we were looking at the pipe, this is how the conversation went.
Wayne: "You put a piece of metal on here, boom!"
Me: "..."
Wayne: "End cap on there, boom!"
Me: "Boom, boom boom" I said, in a sing-song voice.
This is the best part.
Wayne paused for a few seconds, looks at me, and goes,
"Boom, boom boom, let me hear you say ay-yo!"
He picked up on my Outhere Brothers reference. The song, "Boom, boom boom" was a flash in the pan, 90s hit single back in the day.
"Ay-yo!" I replied. Smiling.
And.. yeah. That was the highlight. The rest of the night was busy, busy, busy. Or, boom boom boom to be more accurate. I didn't have much time to relax, or catch my breath. Did 3 1/2 jobs tonight, as opposed to the usual 1 1/2 that normally gets done.
Wayne gave me a nice compliment too. Saying that I'm doing a great job. I appreciated hearing that.
One thing that I need to mention, is that I kept thinking of her again tonight. She was running rampant through my mind. It would be a flash of her face, or something she's said, or me kissing her, or.. whatever would pop in, and oddly enough, I didn't feel annoyed by it. Thoughts of Georgina just flowed through me, and I didn't try and swat them away.
I did indulge a few memories here and there, but nothing for too long. Even now as I type, I just had a flash of her face pop into my mind. That smile of hers. That beautiful complexion. Those blue eyes.
(sighs)
I don't know anymore. I.. it hurts to imagine her not thinking of me at all. Or thinking the worst of me, for some reason. And on the other side of the coin, I wonder if she misses me. Or if she thinks of me from time to time. I wonder if she..
..wants to get back in touch.
(double sigh)
I doubt it, though. I d.. ugh. It hurts having to admit it, or wanting to admit that she is happy without me and I am nothing more than a phase in her life that she's glad to have put behind.
I.. really don't... I still don't understand how we broke up. I don't know what the reasons actually were. It seemed that up until our last few weeks together, everything was fine. Everything was going well.
Until it didn't. And.. well.. I've already told the story.
So... I don't know anymore. I.. don't.. know.. if I can stop thinking of her. It's been months, now. MONTHS.
Months.. Four months, I think, since I saw her last.
Almost half a year.
And I still. Keep. Thinking. Of. Her.
Like I said, a part of me wants to forget and move on, and the other part does not. The other part wants to cherish the memories I have of her, and hope for her return, somehow.
It's so hard to kill this hope of mine.
And.. I really should write out all the reasons why I love her. Just to put it into perspective. Because, there's a rational way of being, and an irrational way of being.
The irrational way, is to be obsessed without just cause.
The rational way, is to love her for who she is and the times we've shared.
That's the dilemma I'm in right now. To forget her, is to.. turn my back on the best relationship I've ever been in, and to.. betray the feelings I still have for her. To forget that I love her, seems about impossible at this point. No matter how much I try, there's still a part of me that is standing in the way, holding up a hand and saying, "no, David. You aren't fooling anyone. You're in love. This is what love is."
Is that what love really is? ..
Again, I don't know anymore. I have no experience with anything like this. Meeting someone so..
(triple sigh)
I'm feeding an obsession now, it seems. Should I just.. oh hell no, I'm not going to delete everything I have of her on my phone. Or her pictures. Or any of the things she's given me, just to help me move on.
I can't do it. They're memories that I hold dear.
The only way I can move on, is if she gave me a reason to hate her. If she pretended to be something that she was not...
Geez. This is a pickle of the highest order.
To move on, I have to forget her.
To forget her, is to admit that my feelings aren't authentic.
And I don't want to be anything, but true to myself and my feelings.
Even if I have to suffer like this. Thinking of her every day.
Every day.
Because... I love her.
And.. there's nothing I can do about it.
I had an idea tonight as well, that I'm going to mention. That flea market psychic, Trina, I'm thinking of sending her a link to this blog. Asking her to do me a favor and read these entries. I want an outsider perspective on all this. Someone who doesn't know me, and someone who is spiritual like I am.
I need guidance, basically. But real guidance, not delusions. I don't want to be given advice like, "move on" without that person first reading all this stuff I'm writing down. I want my emotions to be known, and my thoughts and my life to be considered, before any advice is given. I especially want something.. hmm.. something.. I don't know, spiritual? In nature, as far as answers go? I think that's what I want. I need to know what the end game of all this is. I need to know if I should try to.. contact her, later on. And see if we can make amends.. I need to know if I should actually try, and not give up on her. I already know that she's worth being with. I just need.. assurance, that I'm not crazy. And that..
I don't know.. Which is why I think it's better for someone else to look at all this, and give me their objective point of view.
I don't want to forget her, but I do. I should. Unless.. there's a chance. If there's a chance, then I will definitely not forget her. I will do whatever it takes, to capitalize on that chance. But, I need to know that there is a chance. A reasonable one. And I need to know what I can do to improve those chances, before I do anything further.
Whether it's writing her an email. Sending her an Christmas present. Or making a paper flower to leave on the windshield wiper of her car... like, maybe a month or two from now.
I don't know what I should be doing. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know if I should be making the next move.
I don't know if I should try and convince her. To explain how I'm feeling. Or to show her this blog, which will surely have her shaking her head and further distancing herself from me, because this kind of emotions I'm feeling towards her, is nuts. Basically. I've never.. felt like this before towards anyone. So.. It's.. new. I've never really been in love, until she broke up with me.
And I can't explain it. I.. can only think, that I was waiting for the breakup, before I could feel closer to her. To respect her. Because, all those bad relationships I've been involved with in the past, have all revealed something ugly about the other person. Something that was easy for me to latch onto, and say, "yeah, she's not for me". But with Gina.. I'm not getting that. Other than her breaking up through text, without us having a conversation about it, and her not sitting me down to explain what it is she wants from me, and what is troubling her.. I can fault her for those things, but I can't hate her for them.
I can't hate how beautiful she actually is. Although, she judged me cruelly at the end, and mistakenly assumed that I would be okay with being broken up with through text. And then ignored my messages. And then got angry with me on the phone, and then ignored my email a month later.
What does that say about how she feels about me? What does that say about who she actually is?
It's not.. Good. Whatever those thoughts are, and I keep wondering what caused them. How did we get to that point, where breaking up through text was a good idea for her?
Why did she give up so easily on me?
On us?
I can imagine the reasons. I didn't.. I wasn't the man I could have been, with her. I.. honestly took her for granted at the end there, not thinking she was the type to break up through text like she did. So I felt comfortable. Too comfortable, maybe.
But she was that type to break up through text.
And no matter how many lovely memories I conjure up of her during my day; I have to accept the fact, that she.. gave up on me. Rejected me. Despite.. Despite how much it seemed she was infatuated with me.
For those first four months we were together.
And.. I refuse to believe, that.. that she can shut herself off like that. To turn her back on all we've done.
But then again, I'm certainly repeating a story that many men other than myself, have likely experienced already.
But not many men, fall in love with someone after being broken up with.
And not many men are me. If any, are.
So.. (shrugs) I don't know. I feel like my situation is unique, but from an outsider's perspective, it might not be. It might be more common than I think.
But I don't know that.
I don't feel that.
And so.. I think I will consider going to the flea market one of these days, and asking Trina to do me this favor of reading my blog and giving me her thoughts.
I need to know that either I'm crazy. Or I'm.. something else.
Whatever that something else is. And I need to know what to do next.
So..
Yeah.
Boom, boom boom.
Let me hear you say ay-yo.
(sighs)
