Going off to work, I was feeling pretty low and depleted. Still sick with the flu, and it was cold and windy outside.
But, it was a pretty good night.
I managed to get my partner Warren, to slow down to a tolerable working pace, and we shared some amusing moments together which helped make the shift go by.
Later, as I was listening to Yves, the guitar player of 30+ years talk about his guitar-playing-in-the-club days, I was being overheard by Mustafa, the Muslim guy. After Yves was finished talking, I got up and moved over to Mustafa, which is when he made an odd observation about me.
"You'd be great as a talk show host," he said.
"Are you kidding me? Me? I can't be a David Letterman or Leno."
"I heard you talk. You would be a good talk show host."
"I don't think I'd be good at that," I said.
You don't know! Maybe we all don't know what is in our futures, and what we have the most talent for that we would be really good at doing."
"Yeah, but I can't see myself as doing that. I like listening to Yves, I like listening to people talk. I'm curious about them, and interested in learning more about their lives."
"See, you could be a talk show host. You're a personable guy."
I had to say "aw", and brush off his compliment. I then told him what I would really like to be doing for a living, and what I'd be really good at; but can't make any money with.
I told him about writing, and how difficult it is to get it done in the way that a publisher would want to take a chance with and to the standard that I find exceptional.
I then told him the second thing I'd most enjoy doing for a living, working at a hospital. And all I would be doing, is walking around and talking to the patients, trying to cheer them up. But, who's going to pay me to do that? He suggested becoming a nurse, but I really don't want to consider such a position for myself. It's too.. personal, in the wrong way. Or maybe, too intimate for me to build an eventual tolerance towards. Such as changing bed pans, or giving people sponge baths, and seeing them naked and watching them die. Maybe it would polish my spirit, giving it a bit of a shine more so than it already has, but I doubt it. I wouldn't know if I could handle that kind of intimacy with another human being, I'm already deeply invested into healthy people as it is.
Anyways, work went well. I actually had a decent time for once, and it's because of the people I work with. They know how to raise my spirits when I need it most.
Good guys. Trent, Matthew, Greg, Doug. Yves. Mustafa. Wayne, my foreman. Matt, the other foreman.
And, before work I did a ten minute meditation session in my closet. How'd that go? I cried. Yep. Clearing my mind with flute music (courtesy of the insight timer app), I felt the blankness of being for a brief while and then she came in.
Gina.
Right in the middle of this, I found myself imagining the last time I saw her arrive at my door. I imagined grabbing her with a big smile on my face, and giving her the warmest, best hug I could ever give someone.
And.. that's when I cried.
Ten minutes was up pretty quick, in my opinion. I sure didn't have any insights or inner-voices speaking to me.
But, yeah. Cried. I also cried again after work.. Just.. her face.. her photograph blossoming in my mind. Like this picture here,
And this one.
(sighs)
She asked me in her last email, to not post photos of her on here. And to delete them. And then to tell her that I deleted everything, even if I made my blog private again.
But.. I didn't make her that promise. I said I would make my blog private, and I did.
So.. there's her photos.
The girl I am desperately in love with.
God damn it.
I have never felt anything like this before in my life. This constant thinking about someone. Anyone. I've never thought of anyone this much.
For this long.
I. Don't want to .. do the scarecrow thing. But.. I do. I really do need to let her know that I'm still thinking about her. She has to.. she has to know that. And she would still have to make the next move.
Whatever it will be.
But .. I hope .. I don't want to cause any more trouble. I don't want her to get upset and to have her mom call me again, or maybe filing something like this with the police, even though I really doubt such a thing could happen. Or be proven, that I did in fact leave scarecrows by the side of the street with HAPPY HALLOWEEN on three of them and BOO-TIFUL on the one lonely scarecrow, a tiny distance away from them.
It would be such an obvious ..
God.. it sounds so crazy.
It would command her attention, but it could steer it either way.
Towards me, or much much further away.
And I don't know, but I'm feeling like doing something is better than nothing.
She has to know that I love her.
After all this time.
And that love really matters. And it's exactly what she's looking for. And I have it. I have all of it to give her.
If only she would know this to be true. But she doesn't. Even if I write her an email explaining all this, it still might not have the same effect, AND I would be breaking my promise to not contact her again.
I said I wouldn't contact her, but.. scarecrows on the street.. that is so borderline...
I don't know.
I know I am in love.
That's all.
The kind that doesn't leave me depressed and despondent for not having her with me. It's.. the.. graceful kind of sadness that I am experiencing. The sadness I reserve to express in my most private moments, whenever I need to. Like today.
But, I don't let this sadness turn into depression. I'm still trying to be friendly, and easy to get along with. And trying to keep a good relationship going with my mom, after years of neglecting her.
And a lot of other things. I'm trying not to let Gina bother me.
But, she does.
And.. obsession? .. I don't think it is. I mean, it is in that general definition, but...
There's a.. kind of beautiful courage living in me, whenever I face another day having to constantly try not to think of her.
It's an inspiring, kind of hopeful feeling. Tucked down where I can barely see it, but I know it's there. It's lurking down below, some kind of..
Maybe.. my essence? An essence that contains an inspirational and hopeful truth.
Just knowing that it's there, gives me comfort.
I'm not depressed. I don't want to end my life. I'm not turning into an alcoholic or a drug addict.
I'm.. not broken, and unable to function.
I can.
I do.
So that's my night in a nutshell.
So much for this being a "quick" update.
Oh well.
*jazz hands*
*jazz hands*
