Yeah, I love her.
Pfbt. Even after what I thought about last night, and how selfish and cruel she was for breaking up with me the way she did; I still love her. And I'm starting to understand the reasons. Even if its all coming off of a hypothesis I came up with on my own.
Which may or may not be the correct one to have.
This is why you don't break up with someone over text. And why you should clearly explain the reasons. Breaking up in person would at least eliminate a lot of questions, and its unfair that she knows exactly what the reasons were, and wouldn't share it with me.
I'm that kind of guy. I'm really curious and contemplative of such things. My imagination will spiral all over the place until I get answers.
Still love her, though. I know she's afraid of confrontation. I know how bad her past relationship was. And still, I feel like I understand her point of view and I'm still willing to try and figure out a way to...
Heh. Get back together.. but, that is such a naive goal to have, considering the months that have already passed and the fact that she said she doesn't feel the same way towards me as she used to.
So.. What can I do?
Should I do anything?
Why can't I move on? Because, I think she's worth fighting for. Believing in. Being with.
Despite all that has happened.
And, I have to prepare myself to at least consider myself ready to be in a relationship. Specifically, the type of relationship she would most want to be in. Because until I can call myself ready, I can't and shouldn't think about us getting back together. I can't make any promises. I'd try my best to be a good boyfriend and stepfather, but I can't promise I will do a good job. All I can assure her of, is my willingness to try.
That's it.
And so.. That is where I'm at, at the moment.
In limbo.
The biggest challenge in being able to do anything, is to spark those feelings in her. Any kind of positive feeling. Make her smile. Cheer her up.
So that involves.. something I'm not sure yet.
The scarecrows sounds like a good idea now, again. Even though I've been telling myself constantly this past while that it wouldn't be.
I don't know man. Such a predicament. I could give up, but that's my last resort, and I'm not ready to seriously consider it yet.
Why do I love her?
Let me count the ways...
(sighs) .. She has no tattoos. She doesn't swear. Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Is responsible, mentally sound, not overweight, considerate (before the breakup), kind, uncomplaining, willing to please.
Appreciative. Giving. She loves movies and music as much as I do. She loves sex as much as I do.
She loves her kids, and for a while, I wasn't sure what to believe about how much she loves them; but she does, she really does, and thats exactly the kind of woman I'd want in my life.
Someone with a lot of love to give.
Someone who isn't cynical. Who is optimistic. Bright. Cheery.
Funny. She had a good sense of humor that I appreciated. Especially when she tied up Darth Vader to my bed. I can't believe how hilarious she can sometimes be. I loved the way she laughed. I loved the way she used to say hi to me, all coy and shy.
Such a sweet, loving, generous person with a huge heart. There's so few people like her out there. She reminds me of my mother, more so than I care to admit.
And.. well, I failed in demonstrating myself to her. I failed in sharing enough of myself for her to know who I really am, what I need, and what I can offer.
Is that entirely my fault? Yes and no. Circumstances and the past, all dictate the kind of mood I'm in. And I have a hard time faking a smile, when I really don't feel like smiling. My best times, are the times when I'm not working. When I'm relaxed, and calm and composed.
That's when I start to feel good about life.
James Allen and his five principles.. Hmm. Again, a healthy degree of skepticism on my part; but I will try and find time to read a bit of his book whenever I can. It at least sounds practical, unlike something as "woo" as The Secret. Or Dianetics. Or even the Gnostic Gospels.
Just sound principles to live one's life by.
The tough part is incorporating everything I've learned and turning it into a daily habit and practice. That's the challenge, right there. Advice is useless unless acted upon, so therefore I will have to make the effort of living the life that James Allen advises us all to live.
What really helped in my taking his words seriously, is the fact that I got a random quote on my phone from him the day after I flipped randomly through his book. It is a coincidence, and I feel that coincidences are God's way of winking at us.
There is a bit of mental gymnastics involved in my explaining how God can possibly put a random quote on my phone from James Allen; but I think I have it figured out. Given that I've been reading on spirituality and self-improvement since I was 14 years old. Possibly longer, if you count reading about ghosts and spirits and unusual occurances and miracles. My life has been unintentionally devoted to figuring out whether or not we live in a magical world; or a mundane one.
I'm leaning towards the magical part, personally. There's only two choices, really. Either there is a God, or there isn't. And if I believe in God, then I must be able to depict him truthfully and guess at his capabilities.
So.. Theories, theories. Who is God? What can God do? Why would, and could, God have a relationship with me even though I'm only one of billions of people on the planet, excepting other planets with other intelligent life forms in the vastness of the universe.
How can something so omnipotent, be able to make time to make my life easier? Or to bring me closer to understanding and accepting the love that I feel God has for all that he has created.
It's the personal relationship that I wonder about most. What am I entitled towards? What can be accomplished?
Since it's God, I would assume anything. Since God is everywhere and in everything and everyone; then it's power has to be vast. It's intelligence several orders of magnitude greater than the most intelligent person that has ever walked this planet.
So, with an intelligence like that, it stands to reason that what many could consider as impossible, might be very possible indeed.
I'm not talking about miracles like walking on water, or talking to people in the form of a burning bush; I'm thinking about what is possible within what Earthly physics allow. Because, as great as I think God is, I also think there are rules to abide by. There are constraints and limitations that have to be worked around.
One of the theories I've toyed with for years, is the possibility that each time we wake from sleep; we enter a reality that is very similar to the one we left behind, but slightly different. There is complexity in discussing all that, but this is the gist of what I've managed to come up with.
Each time we sleep, we wake to a new world. And we are each the Gods of our own domain. Our intentions and beliefs shape the world around us, and this all plays into the multi-verse theory or the parallel Earths theory. You know, like an episode of Sliders.
I am God and I am not.
We are apparently made in his own image.
Again, a complex theory that I'm only giving bits and pieces of; but it all sort of makes sense, excepting a few questions here and there that I haven't found satisfaction in answering or coming up with an explanation for.
I believe in both pre-destination and free-will. I believe we all have the power of God within us. I believe we all have our destinies to live out.
I believe each of us affect one another, in even the most fleeting of interactions.
A smile makes just as much a difference, as would murdering someone. Driving to go buy something at a store, is something that can affect variables out there and alter the trajectory of someone's life. Whether I realize it or not. Just my being in this world, is affecting it. Perhaps I stopped someone from being in a car accident, by driving slow. Maybe I caused one to happen, inadvertently.
Who really knows? But my theories seem to explain it.
I see it all as the Matrix, kind of. A dream world. A stimulation where you can alter variables to bring about certain outcomes.
Including have a random quote from James Allen on my phone.
I can't explain that, just like I can't explain other coincidences in my life; so, I'm going to have to accept them as a small demonstration of what "God" can do.
My novel is going to get into more detail about how I think about this stuff. It really fascinates me to try and solve this mystery. And I'm fortunate to have had certain things happen to me which enabled a serious contemplation of just how active God can be in this world.
And in our individual lives.
Well, work awaits.
Time to go.
Time to think of her again all night, I bet.
Business as usual.
