Let's see.. After getting up yesterday at 10:45, I had the song "Time After Time" going through my head the second I awoke and then went into the basement, smoked up, and started making a playlist.
Here is what I came up with.
The Cross of Changes - Enigma
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
Modern Drift - Efterklang
You Are So Beautiful - Joe Cocker
Always - Bon Jovi
Last Night On Earth - Green Day
Love Me Or Not - Dub FX
Get Free (feat. Amber of Dirty Projectors) - Major Lazer
Just Another Day - Jon Secada
Suite Bergamasque: III. Clair De Lune (orch. A. Caplet) - Ulster Orchestra
My Love - The Bird and the Bee
Time To Go Inward - Rodney Crowell
Grace Beneath The Pines - Glen Hansard
Holocene - Bon Iver
Too Late - M83
Arnalds: Only The Winds - Olafur Arnalds
Lazarus - Porcupine Tree
How It Ends - Devotchka
Once I finished the setlist, I went back to bed at around 1am and slept all the way until 3pm. Waking up on occasion enough to restart the playlist, and falling back to sleep with my headphones on.
Had a dream. Not much details to it, but there was a woman with black hair. Young. And she seemed in love with me. I remember the feeling of lust being involved, and I also remember her kissing a young five-year old girl, who was presumably her daughter.
That's it, really. Over 15 hours worth of sleep in a single day, and my eyelids still feel heavy.
Love it. It felt good to sleep this much. But now, reality demands I start thinking about work again tonight and I'm like.. (sighs) well, reminding myself that it's something I have to do.
Also.. It felt like I communed with God somehow, last night. As I sat in the basement with a candle flickering, putting together the playlist and listening to music. There was this inner dialogue that I didn't really pursue, but it flowed out and demanded my responses. It was like I was talking to God, and telling Him (or It) that if it was truly a loving, merciful God, then I would not be suffering like this. I reminded it of how long I kept faith alive for. How long I've been hoping and dreaming for. How long I've suffered for, and am still suffering. And what exactly am I responsible for, in terms of my failures.
I didn't want to have that conversation, but I did. It felt like my heart was talking. Speaking out to the nothingness. Telling It exactly how I felt. I didn't really stop to pause and think about my answers or any of the things I wanted to say. It just streamed out.
Who knows what that is. Who knows what awaits me down the line. Who knows if anything I've done last night is going to make a difference in the long run.
Just, who knows.
Who knows.
Not me, that's for sure.
(sighs)
What a life. What a mystery.
Perhaps someday, I will find out what the truth really is.
I just hope I won't be disappointed.
Random quote of the day on my phone, is from James Allen.
Nice coincidence, God.
But, I know you can do better than that.
I need something much bigger.
