Well, I managed to crawl out of bed today at 3 and worked on one of my chapters.
It's slow going, at the moment. My creativity isn't at its optimal level and all I can do is make small, simple corrections and additions. Can't do a new chapter just yet. Not until I come up with ideas for how to follow up the last one I wrote.
I toyed with the idea of writing a short story, but I couldn't get past the first sentence. I wanted to write a kind of children's tale about a man falling in love with a woman, only to suffer heartbreak by her. It was going to be allegorical, and involve a sorcerer that is conspiring to keep the lovers apart.
I wanted to mirror my situation, obviously. But through fiction, and with metaphors.
Couldn't get past the first sentence, and now I have to go get ready for work.
There's just not enough time in the day. I'm going to take a shower and then meditate for ten minutes. I need to establish some kind of routine that I will keep up as I go from day to day, so I'll be able to get the most important things done that I find are easy to neglect if I don't force myself to pay attention to them.
I'm trying. Still, it's hard. I miss having time off. I'm a dreamer, and a thinker and when my mind is occupied with things to do, such as going to work and general responsibilities; I can't really let my thoughts wander like they need to. My imagination is dependent on my being relaxed, and feeling at ease with myself. And I don't really feel that way at the moment.
But, trying is better than doing nothing.
One thing I'm disappointed about, is that because I'm on night shift, I won't be able to pass out candy this year for halloween. Oh, wait. Is halloween on Sunday? No. It's on a Monday. Yeah, so I won't be able to wear a spooky mask and see all the kids dressed up.
That sucks.
Maybe I could put in for a leave of absence from work, for that one day. I don't know yet.
I'm in a weird place right now. I feel off-kilter somehow. Like, my fuel gauge is on empty, but somehow I still keep chugging along on the fumes.
I toyed with the idea of closing all my accounts on the three dating sites I'm on. I just can't.. I don't want to be on there anymore.
Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, eHarmony.
I'm not even getting any messages from anyone. It's been.. a week, I think since I've gotten anything.
I don't like the idea of my profile being online. I don't like.. having hope, that somehow the right person will message me and I will..
Forget her, and move on.
Because.. I think I've found the right person.
And.. I have to earn her. I have to work at getting her back. And I have to start with myself, first, before I can feel confident enough in who I am and what I have to offer.
There's not enough time in a day, but I can make time. I just need to establish a routine, and stick by it. When I wake up, I should brush my teeth, have a coffee and cigarette, then shower, meditate and do some writing.
Maybe even exercise a little. It's better than nothing.
And then, my day can start.
Well..
I'd better get to it then.
Work is still yucky to me.
Heh.
