Yeah, It's Saturday. I'm tired.
I don't know what to do. Go to work, and suffer another long night, or stay home and.. suffer the guilt that's going to be weighing on my conscience for not coming in, and missing out on double-time.
Didn't think of her all that much last night. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of fully letting her go, and allowing her to become this mythical "could have been" creature in my mind, for however long the rest of my life will be for.
I'm.. so torn on those scarecrows. On.. life, in general.
I'm not doing what I love. I'm not with who I love.
I.. have nothing. Nothing but dreams that I have little faith in.
When I prayed this morning before falling asleep, I had to remind God that I still feel so uncertain without evidence enough of his existence. That I need some kind of intervention, or.. miracle to happen that will restore my faith. And, I really don't want to demand anything.
I want to take responsibility for my life, and shape it the way it needs to be.
But..
It's so hard.
I don't know how some people are able to work two jobs, while raising a family. Single moms, even.
It's admirable of them. And clearly, I don't have the kind of drive that they do.
Or perhaps, my priorities are completely different than theirs.
For me, I find happiness in following my gut. Without having to worry about money. Just go anywhere, do anything. After a while, I start to relax, and I'm able to begin thinking about the bigger issues that I'm interested in solving. Within myself, and within the novel I'm trying to write.
I have a sliver of an idea as to how to start my next chapter, but.. I still need to develop it some more, before I can get to writing.
And..
Scarecrows..
I don't have much time left, before I need to decide if I'm going to go along with this or not.
I love her.
But Alan Watts made me think. How do I know for sure that I love her? What are the signs? Or symptoms?
What is love, really?
Thinking about this a little last night, I couldn't quite answer this question, but I did come up with a metric that could prove useful.
Love, is the measure of how you feel and make others feel, around you.
Notice that I'm not referring to just one individual, I'm talking about everyday interactions.
I believe that love is pervasive. It becomes a part of who you are. It's not a target that you throw darts at. It's everywhere. It's everything. It's how I relate to everyone, everywhere.
And it's also, how I feel about myself. I think. Although I haven't developed this thought enough, to really know.
Gyngie got upset at me a little last night, during our texts. I'm not going to get into detail, but she's falling hard for this guy named Steven who lives in the States. At first, she told me they were "fighting" and that she was worried about him going to the bar and fucking some random girl.
I pointed out, that this kind of behavior doesn't sound like love to me. And that she wasn't in love, and neither was he.
The conversation ended with her telling me that she's 38 years old, and knows how life works.
Pretty dismissive. I only tried to tell her what my point of view on her situation was, and to take caution in how she feels about a guy that she only knows the sound of his voice by.
She already is talking about marriage. And how no other guy has ever treated her the way Steven has been treating her.
Apparently, he got mad at her earlier for some petty reasons. And she's worried about him fucking someone.
They never even met. And marriage is in the cards, supposedly.
(sighs)
Some people will defend their fantasies to the death. Being rational will not cause a dent in their way of thinking.
And, I have to accept that about myself too.
To scarecrow, or not to scarecrow.
To let her go, or not.
Do I actually love Gina?
Or is this.. just.. a dream.. a fantasy.
Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality....
/song
(sighs)
I.. just get .. I'm teary eyed right now. What a life I live. What a failure I seem to be.
But.. one important thing I acknowledged in my prayer with God this morning, is that the breakup between us absolutely had to have happened, otherwise I would not be who I am right now.
I might not have actually loved Gina, had she allowed me to continue taking her for granted.
I would not learn the important lessons I've learned, had things kept going the way they were.
She made me stop, and re-evaluate myself. And inspired me to change.
And change, I have.
But..
This is still such a struggle. The future is so uncertain. And if I wish to harbor a loving and hopeful heart; then I must not allow my ego to get the better of me. My fears.
I should accept with confidence, that no matter what, with or without Gina, I'm still a good man and someday my heart will find itself a home.
And, if it doesn't. Then I will be be dead, and such a thought won't matter.
But.. there has been so many odd coincidences in my life. If I stepped back and looked at everything objectively, I swear, it all feels like a test.
For instance.. I haven't had any messages across three different dating sites, for a couple of weeks now.
And yet, in the months after being broken up with, I went out with almost a dozen women.
It's inexplicable. When I have it in my head that I want to date, the dates appear.
And now, I don't have that in my head. I'm not thinking about these dating sites at all.
I just think about her.
And how I've already found the right one.
And.. so, this mindset seems to be.. blocking off messages.. if that makes any sense. Opportunities.
I'm not receptive to meeting someone new.
It seems.
And.. It's this receptivity, I feel, which can tie into the idea of the Law of Attraction, that is causing me to not get any messages.
So.. It's strange, sometimes, how everything works. I may not know what my destiny is, but something higher than myself seems to know.
Because it all feels like something is unfolding. Some kind of plan is in motion. And that this pain I'm feeling now, is a part of it, and is preparing me for something.
What that something is, I don't know. It could be good or bad.
Maybe my destiny is not to love and be loved by. Or to write a novel. Or to insulate.
It could be something else. Something I have no idea about, and will be surprised by.
I'm just.. tired. So tired, that I've.. pretty much surrendered my soul to the powers that be.
I.. I'm always torn about that. Having more faith in.. God, than I do in myself, is probably not a wise way of being.
And given that my faith in God is so uncertain at the moment, I have very little of it left.
Maybe when I least expect it, I will someday get a message from a really good person on one of those dating sites, and all this suffering will be worth it.
It has happened before, so I know it can happen again.
I hope, anyways.
Or maybe.. I need to take my life into my own hands, and..
Well. Do something about it.
Earn my way.
Work on myself. Prepare myself for that great thing to happen.
Maybe someday, I will get a message from Gina saying, "David, I miss you."
But..
I don't know if that can happen. It can. But it doesn't seem likely.
I don't think she misses me at all.
And if I don't do those scarecrows, I won't have an opportunity to remind her that I'm still around, without actually messaging her. I could do the snowman idea for Christmas, where I'd make snowmen along the street she drives to work, with a sign.. but that would still be months away.
And this Halloween/scarecrow thing, seems to be good timing.
And.. I really have nothing to lose by doing it.
Other than my dignity, I suppose. But that's psychological.
And.. my faith, maybe. Because.. if I do that, and things get worse between us; then, I'm done. I'll have no choice but to forget her and move on.
I can't keep banging my head against the wall, trying to make her see how much I want her. How I'd do anything to be able to see her again. To be with her. To kiss her neck, and hug her and meet her family and her kids.
I don't like the odds I have, of those things happening.
Because they feel non-existent to me right now.
Still, though. It's better than nothing. That 5% chance of something happening, is better than no chance at all.
I want her to know that I still think of her, and that I'm still respecting the distance between us.
I don't want to be doing this out of fear. Fear of losing her forever.
I.. I'm so torn.
Thanks Natalie Imbruglia.
I'll figure something out.
