Yeah, so last night was rough. Soon as I showed up, I found out that I'd have been "written up" for taking two days off. The reason was, "unauthorized absence". Looks like I should have gotten that doctor's note, but..
Whatever. Seems like the system is against everyone from the start. I find it ironic that Jacobs bills itself as a "culture of caring" as per how our orientation kept impressing upon us, and then stuff like this happens where I'm legitimately sick and they aren't as "caring" as they pretend themselves to be.
Lots of other people at work were sick too. I counted at least 3 from my crew, and a few others didn't show up.
Guess those guys are also taking "unauthorized absences".
(sighs)
My foreman assured me that it's not a big deal, and I agree. If I ever lose my job, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'd go get another one. There's plenty of work. Even if I have to go to Fort Mac..
Yuck.
I also realized as I sat in the smoke pit, looking at all the towers and vessels and people milling about;
I realized that I don't belong here. I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I've been feeling this way about my job for years now, and the only saving grace of it is the people that I work with. That's the only thing that has kept my sanity intact. But, I don't always have great people around and I don't always get paired up with them for the entire shift.
Such as last night, where I had to work with a fellow named Warren, who was this hyperactive "let's get it done!" maniac that wouldn't slow down, despite there not being a rush for anything. Even our foreman said to "take our time". Warren kept zipping around, and had a few dumb moments where he could have tripped on some wire that became tangled around his foot because he was too oblivious and in the "zone" to even notice. I had to point it out to him, and remind him to slow it down.
"That's how I work!" is what he told me in response.
(sighs)
He's not a bad guy, but I don't work well with people like that. Who seem to have this fear of losing their job, or being thought less of for not working fast enough. And it's such a "hurry up and wait" situation at work, where we can finish a job and then stand around waiting for the next one because there aren't any releases. Or we get kicked out of an area, because they're doing a lift, or welding, or whatever.
It's ridiculous. Yellow flagging everywhere. Red ribbons everywhere. People yelling at each other from different heights. Banging sounds. People moving around all over, sometimes right next to your job where you have to wait and watch as they do whatever needs to be done, such as modifying a scaffold.
I hate it. I don't like these conditions I work in. The job itself is easy, but not the way we do it. It's like being asked to spend ten hours opening envelopes and transferring the contents from one pile to another except you have to do it with thick gloves on, glasses that fog up regularly, using only one hand, and standing on your head while getting interrupted every ten minutes by three squawking chickens that mill about on the stack of letters you have to open up. It's that absurd. It's like a cartoon, almost.
Basically, it's "controlled" chaos.
And after spending 15 years doing this type of work, I've had enough. I've had enough a while ago, but I really have had enough now.
Except.. there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can think of, anyways.
I come home from work exhausted and tired and go to sleep at 7am. I then wake up at 3pm, or whenever, and have to get myself ready for the next shift. Shower, shave, take a dump, prepare my lunch, run whatever errands I need to do and then it's off to work again to repeat the cycle.
At most, I'll have a couple hours to myself to do things like updating this blog, reading, taking a bath, etc.
But, it's not enough.
Writing my novel.. man.. I have a hard time doing it, especially now. Working six days a week, ten hours a day.. and they even asked some people if they wanted to work 12 hour shifts and I'm glad I wasn't one of the ones who were asked.
(sighs)
There has to be more to life than this.
I miss my girl.
I thought of her last night, a little, but not as frequently. I.. felt her fading a bit, and.. I don't like how that feels. To loosen my grip on the memories I have of her. I thought of her as a safety girl talked to me, and I thought of her necklace, and how she enjoyed my kissing her neck and.. her smile.. how she liked 80s music and how we spent that one night on YouTube playing all the songs we could think of from that era.
And.. I thought about the last night we spent together, and how I royally fucked it up for taking her for granted. I don't want to remember that, but I have to. I have to learn from my mistakes.
She wanted an emotional connection with me, and I wanted a physical one, and we didn't.. really mesh very well that night.
I'm so sorry baby doll. I felt like such a freak for.. how I acted when you rejected sex, for the first time in all the time we were together. I.. don't know what happened to me. I was tired.. I had to go to work the next day (and didn't) and .. working in the hot sun all day in such a noisy and stressful environment just makes it hard for me to want anything but a sexual release to take my mind off of things, and I'm too tired to make the effort of connecting with you emotionally.
And.. I wish I could've let her known that. And that I don't take rejection very well, and that..
I'm trying to be better than what I am.
But, I do falter sometimes. And it's hard being consistent.
I cried a little over all this stuff as I was falling asleep this morning. It's not a pleasant way to be.
Having faith.. (sighs) .. sometimes I wonder what that phrase even means. Or how it can be utilized to help me. It's basically brainwashing. Convincing myself of something that may or may not exist, which may or may not be able to help me.
I still say my nightly prayers, but the silence.. the silence is deafening sometimes.
It'll be nice to have more obvious coincidences happen to me, if there is indeed a higher power that is operating for my benefit, behind the scenes.
As it stands, it's too subtle to really know for sure if.. anything up there actually cares about me enough to help.
I'm only one of billions, after all.
I wish I knew exactly what I had to do. I can't spend the rest of my life thinking about the girl I've lost, and the job I don't like doing, and the novel that I can't seem to find enough time and inspiration to finish writing.
At one time, a few years ago, I had the strange urge to become a volunteer at the hospital. I wanted to be the guy that walked around, talking to patients, and giving them support and making them smile. I wanted to .. sort of be a Patch Adams, but without the dumb red ball on the nose, and just be this guy who goes around cheering people up.
But, who the hell would give me a job like that? That pays well?
It's what I'd really like to do, though. I love meeting new people. I love making them laugh.
Especially kids. And old people.
Anyone who has it figured out, that life is all about relationships, and never about money. No matter how hard society tries to suggest it is. From capitalism, to rappers, movies, whatever. There are things that are more important than just money.
We live in a world where we need money to survive, and that sucks.
What we really need, is a guaranteed place to live, a reasonable amount of food, clothing and the opportunity of realizing our dreams.
Everything else, is secondary.
I'm not suggesting becoming a welfare bum, but rather, just having the assurance of food and shelter and clothing and a modest amount of money; are all things everyone on this planet is entitled towards having. Or should be entitled towards.
Of course, there are problems with this model, and that is what I will attempt to address in my book, so I can better clarify what those problems are, and how to best account for them.
Other than that..
Telling myself to have "faith" doesn't seem to be working very well. Especially since I don't know how to have faith anymore. I.. just believe there is something greater out there, but I don't know what it can do for me. If it can do anything at all, or if it already has been doing something and that I'm just unable to see the big picture at the moment. So.. that means, I have to take charge. I have to.. push myself to get to where I need to be. I need to realize my own destiny.
But.. I'm just.. not smart enough to know how to do it, I guess. Or..
Whatever.
I still try, though. But maybe I need to try harder. Maybe I need to focus on one specific thing and really put all my energy behind it, until I achieve it. Just one step at a time. One goal at a time.
I.. don't know, but I'm sure one goal at a time is easier than trying to juggle other ones at the same time.
But.. all I want.. is to be loved, and to love.
That's it.
Except.. Well, I want other things too, but that's the most important one for me. And.. I still have to go to work. I still have to suffer being on dating sites. I still have to ..
Live my life without her.
(sighs)
I don't want to post anymore today. This has gotten depressing enough.
So much for my being "filled with love" as I thought I felt weeks earlier. Maybe I am filled with love, but.. it's..
It feels pointless not being able to share it with the ones I love the most.
..
Got to get ready for work.
It's yucky, to me. As Georgina's son once said.
Wish I could have met him.
