I don't understand myself sometimes.
Today, I went to work with raised spirits, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, feeling encouraged by how good the night before went, and..
It was just blah.
Slow. Cold. Still got the flu going.
Didn't feel like talking much to anyone. My good mood went downhill, until it leveled off to what I would consider a state of tolerance. Nothing really interested me. No conversation I had was particularly interesting. I tried keeping my positive attitude going, but it didn't really affect my mood all that much. Kind of miming what a positive attitude is, instead of actually having one, I suppose.
But, there was a strange moment that occurred towards the end of the shift, which is what I'm inspired to blog about.
At around 4:30am, I go to have a last cigarette before signing out at 5 when as I was standing there in the smoke pit, there was a.. gruff looking guy to my left, puffing away on his vaporizer. Nothing remarkable, he hit the button on it, and the display lit up.
And.. I just felt the compulsion to start talking to him.
And he wouldn't stop talking to me.
But, the odd thing is, is that my mood shifted.. somehow. My voice became deeper, more clearer, more thoughtful just because I was engaged in conversation with this complete stranger.
Didn't catch his name, or introduce myself, but the half hour flew by and I had to race back to where I would sign out before heading home.
It's just.. weird, how that happens. Certain people bring out certain qualities in me, and I feel.. some kind of instinct kicking in, or something.. that prompts me to want to interact with them.
And then, my voice becoming clearer and deeper.. well, that was a reversal of what went on for the nine and a half hours prior to my meeting that stranger. It just happened. Unconsciously and without any reason whatsoever.
So, yeah. I don't understand myself sometimes.
When I was talking with that 23 year old a while ago, before we went out on a date, she claimed she was something called an "empath" and here is a brief description of what that is:
"Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world. Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually attuned, and good listeners."
So.. that has to be me, right? When I described to Melissa, how I seem to "change" among different types of people, she enthusiastically remarked that I was an empath as well.
It's really interesting, because I never thought of this sort of thing before. I never thought there was a classification for what kind of person I am. I always considered myself an introvert, who was some kind of rare personality type INFJ or whatever; and never could pin down exactly the qualities that makes up who I am, and what makes me tick and think and feel the way I do.
That experience I had tonight, has really made me begin considering who I actually am. And what personality type would I best be matched with.
Anyways.. That's the big takeaway from my shift at work.
Also, I need to start meditating regularly. Didn't manage to do it today, given my lack of time, but I will later on. I'm going to establish a routine, where after I take a shower, I'm doing 20 minutes of meditation to try and make a connection of some sort. With my higher self, or something else..
Or whatever.
On another odd note, I didn't think of her much today either. She was really.. blunted, as far as my thoughts went. I could still picture her in my mind's eye, but the emotions that are usually associated with doing that, didn't quite come out as strongly as they did the night previous. Not sure why that is. It's weird to be crying over her (again, and again) the day before, and the next.. is completely different.
It's coming and going in waves, is what I'm thinking. I expect I'll be crying again eventually over her, for some reason or another.
That's why I need to meditate. To figure this out. To listen, and open myself up to whatever force inside of myself or outside, to try and give me a bit of illumination regarding all this.
Because I badly need it.
Anyways.
Time for bed. Two more days to go, and I'm having Gyngie over at my place for Thanksgiving.
Fog machine and laser time, baby.
Off I go.
