I decided to take a peek at the weeks preceding June 23rd, the day she officially broke up by sending me this:
[2016-06-23 6:24 PM] Carolyn Georgina Clayton:
David, I have to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... I've been struggling with this and I know this is going to blindside you, and for that I am so sorry, but I can't continue seeing you anymore.
I thought I was ready to date again and be in someone's life and have someone be in mine, but I'm not. I know this will not make sense to you and will probably leave you hurt and confused, and for that I am sorry, but I feel that this is for the best.
I don't want to hurt you, but I can't continue being part of something where my heart is not fully committed, it would be unfair to both of us.
My life is complicated and very stressful right now and I feel I am spreading myself too thin and not being the best I can be in any aspect.
You truly are a wonderful person and I hope you find someone who is deserving of everything that you have to offer, and will be able to give you everything you need in return, I just can't be that person.
I hope you can understand why I have to do this and I hope you can find a way to let me go. I also hope you can also eventually find a way to forgive me. I am so very sorry David.
=======
And the weird part? We were joking and being silly only a week before, seemingly in the best of moods.
It really was all of a sudden.
She really was stressed.
But.. Did I help contribute to that? I certainly didn't seem to ease it enough for her, especially when I should have. But I don't know. I didn't mean to be stressful to be with, or not being someone to ease stress with.
Maybe.. she really was spreading herself too thin? Should I actually believe those reasons? I just assumed it was a polite brush-off. A way of telling a white lie, in order to make me feel better.
Maybe this really was the reason. She was stressed, and I've been hearing about it for the weeks prior, too.
So, she was stressed.
I should have taken her seriously, but I didn't. For some stupid reason I didn't. I carried on like I did, not really attempting to cheer her up, or to delight her somehow. To treat her as an object of adoration. To kiss and ravish from the inside and out.
I should have seen this opportunity, the moment it presented itself. But I was oblivious. Dealing with my own stresses at work. Still not willing to be completely vulnerable with her. Taking her for granted, due to how stressed I was, when it should have been the complete opposite.
I should have held onto her tightly, and told her that everything was going to be alright.
God.. I'm such a fool for not having seen this before. Such a fool.
Instead, I kept my distance when she needed me most.
And, when I needed her most.
It.. I guess this might be an explanation for why it happened.
The explanation.
A mystery having been solved.
But it's still only a piece of the puzzle. Knowing "why" it ended, is not the same as knowing "how" it ended. They are each different things. A why offers an immediate explanation, while the "how" goes into greater detail about how the conclusion was made, of the "why".
I still am thinking about the "how", how it all managed to end the way it did.
To me, the why almost doesn't matter, but here it is. This could actually be the best explanation.
But, I did contribute to it all ending. I had to have. So, did I do a bad job of being her boyfriend? By mistake?
I really think I did.
And.. it was worth breaking up over? She saw no hope for us on the horizon?
I guess so. That really says a lot about her lack of faith. And it stings as a form of rejection against me.
Apparently, I wasn't one to help solve her problems with, even if we had a heart-to-heart talk about it in person. She apparently didn't think I could offer her the comfort and sympathy that she needed.
Well.. that depresses me, if she would actually have thought that.
Because.. I would have loved to be a shoulder to cry on. For her. And to have her do the same for me.
But we didn't live together. We only saw each other on weekends whenever she didn't have the kids.
I couldn't be there for her, when she most needed it. All I did was text, and talk over the phone with her once or twice a week.
I couldn't physically be there. I couldn't emotionally be there maybe, either. Given how I was still keeping my heart guarded against the possibility of the relationship going sour. I could not be brave enough to have gone over to her place, with her kids awake and knowing who I am. And meeting them for the first time, that way. But.. had I met her kids earlier, I could have physically driven over and comfort her. The kids would know me by then. We would all be at ease.
Maybe had I not been such a coward, I could have stayed overnight at her place a few times and driven to work from there. Maybe I would've had my own key, had I managed to establish myself fully into her life, and formed relationships with her family and friends.
Jeez. I suck.
I suck. I was such a coward. No wonder.. No wonder she...
(sighs)
A coward.
I'm not liking this uncomfortable conclusion, but there it is.
Makes sense.
Who can respect a coward? Someone who fails to rise to the occasion? Who is terrified of meeting her family?
Wow.
God, am I a stupid motherfucker.
Is there even a way to come back from this? How can I possibly win her confidence in me again, if this is the reason for us breaking up?
How can I convince her that I love her, I'm no longer a coward, and I'm ready to laugh and live a life with her? How can I communicate those things, without being intrusive and unwelcome?
Wow.. What a puzzle this is. Now it's a matter of checking over my character, to ensure that I don't have much or any of the flaws in me to make the same mistakes again. I have to make sure that she can always count on me to be there for her.
But... wow. That is no picnic. There is nothing easy about figuring this one out.
Telling her that I love her, had no effect. No matter how sincere my final email to her was.
So. She really saw something in me that she didn't like. And it could be cowardice, or it could be also that and something else. I don't know yet, but I'm not looking forward to finding out what it might be.
I don't know if I should bother investigating all this in my head. It's not worth the effort, I don't think. But if I'm serious about fixing what was once broken; then I have to consider all possible defects. I can't just fix one, and call it a day when it could be a few other things as well.
Man.. I know nobody is perfect, but apparently there is something gravely imperfect about me.
This is tough. I'd have to make sure I become something that is undoubtedly much more than I once was. I'd have to become principled, honorable, truthful, grateful and in love with life. And to be able to be all that, while under the stress of my employment.
God, that's such a tough ask. I'm an introvert, and I value my alone time. I crave it. Working at my job doesn't give me the satisfaction of letting my thoughts wander, like they need to. Instead, my introversion is only (somewhat) satisfied by writing, and during my days off. My battery gets charged a little when I'm writing, and on my days off, I get refreshed quite a bit, but still not all the way through.
Trying to live a principled life in the way James Allen proposes, under MY conditions, is almost unreasonable. Impossible. I'd love to live in the way he suggests, but he is not alone and has lost the love of his life. He has found her. And he is not stressing about money. He retired at 38.
So, he hasn't had to deal with what I am presently dealing with. My scenario is much more challenging than anything Allen has faced in the past. Such as the problems I have with hearing correctly. Or the job that I loathe, but keep having to do. I mean, these are real issues that have to be dealt with before any fanciful personal development is desired to happen. I need to take care of my finances, first. I need to work. The reason why I owe 23 grand on my line of credit, is because I can't bring myself to work the whole year. I just haven't done it. Instead, I'm content to live off of 50k per year, rather than pursuing the means to make much more.
Hmm. That's how important free time is to me. I'm willing to give up that much, in order to secure it.
I'll use credit cards and my line of credit if I have to prolong going back to work. Whatever my soul absolutely requires. If it feels like three months is the right amount of time to be taking off; then it gets three months. No matter what.
Kind of have to listen to myself when it comes to these things. My body and mind seem almost incapable of being at the top of their operating potential. They're just brittle, broken things that shuffle along like a zombie. I kind of sell my soul, whenever I go to work. And that's exactly how it feels like, slavery. And yet, I get paid quite a bit of money for doing this. Thankfully, so. As I could never have as much free time as I have, had it not been for the great wages.
Anyways.. Looks like a few interesting ideas have surfaced after reading our conversations. Too bad I won't have the needed amount of time to really chew on these thoughts. Not until I'm laid off. I just need time to think without interruptions.
Well.. Guess it's bed time now. Looks like I learned something new, in a surprisingly (bleak) way.
I'm a chicken shit, and that's why Georgina broke up with me.
I don't see how I can convince her otherwise.
It might not even be possible.
Except, I'm too stupid to be thinking about how impossible it may be. And instead, I'm going to consider the possible ways of achieving my goal. No matter how ludicrous the suggestions; I will give equal weight to all of the ideas that will go through my head.
Then, I'll pick something out. Eventually, I think. And run with it as far as I can go.
Maybe I should start with fixing myself, before anything else. I need to make myself into someone worthwhile, if I didn't appear that way to her towards the end.
Hmm.
(searches self)
This could take a while.
