It was an alright night. Can't complain about anything really. Except for the insufferable boredom I was feeling towards the end of it.
Mm, no real highlight either. Except I guess for the bit of conversation I had with Hassan, who is a Somalian immigrant 1st-year apprentice. It was interesting getting into a debate with him on "Allah" and the Muslim point of view on several issues. I especially liked the part where he confessed to me that he wipes his penis with a paper towel after peeing. So that explains why he takes so long in the bathroom. He also seemed highly interested in some of the women I've dated. Especially the one-night stands I was involved in. Apparently it's a big deal to meet someone off the internet and have sex with them.
"Do you kiss them?" He asks.
"No, not usually," I responded. "I kind of have to love someone to want to kiss them."
And I realize how strange it is, that I'm okay with being physically intimate with a woman, but not emotionally. For me, kissing is more cerebral than anything else. Unless there is some serious physical attraction involved.
Hmm. Thinking of her and our kisses. They weren't the greatest. I guess I should've.. pursued them more, or something.
And.. hmph. Being stressed wasn't the reason she broke up with me. I'm sure it was part of it, but it's not the full picture of why it happened. I know this, because of the phone conversation we had, where she was hostile and adamant about being alone to raise her kids.
Wanting nothing more to do with me.
Despite my.. blubbering pleas for her to consider otherwise.
(sighs)
I also thought about what I wrote yesterday. I'm not a coward. Not all of the time, anyways. I've had several moments of bravery, but I do confess to not being able to consistently stand up for myself and against injustice. I sometimes see the effort of doing so, not worth popping a vein in my forehead over. It takes a lot to get me angry, and it takes even more, for me to do something about it.
Mm. My stepdad with the knife. Driving my car into the ditch (long story), confronting Sadie, 8-minute date, first online date, standing up to a dickhead of a foreman once, oh.. twice, counting the one this year.
I've had my moments. Been courageous when I needed courage the most.
Guess I overlooked the courage that Gina needed of me. The courage to throw my heart in, 100% and meet her family, etc.
Still though, I can't say I could have done anything differently at the time. There was no reason for me to change. No lead up to our relationship ending. No conversation really, about what our boundaries are and what we need from each other.
Well.. Can't cry about it. Although I have. Many times already.
I still shouldn't cry over it, though. I'm better than that. But then again, she's..
Worth crying over.
Yup. Although a part of me is bothered at how it all ended, and is intensely suspicious of the circumstances and angry at her for denying me real closure; I still feel for her. I still feel she's worth fighting for.
But, hrmph. As repeated again and again, I have little idea on how I can win this battle.
Reading our conversations.. well, stuff like this makes me want to print out the whole thing and mail it to her with a note saying, "We belong together" or something similar, like "This is not worth breaking up over". I don't know. My heart has been quiet lately, and I'm not sure what to make of it.
This would've been the week I'd have left her those scarecrows, and with it being Friday, I pretty much blew my chances on doing that. Not going to happen now for sure, despite how good of an idea I once thought it to be.
Now, it's the Christmas gift idea that's floating through my mind.
(sighs)
I don't know how I'll feel by then. I haven't.. Stopped thinking about her, but it's.. it feels..
I don't want to say the word hopeless, because it's not.
I believe love conquers all, and I have to go where my heart takes me. Eventually it will find what it's looking for. With her, or with someone else.
A guy in the smoke pit today, told me about how he met his girlfriend.
"Through Tinder!" he says, even though I raised my eyebrow in suspicion and told him about how much I disliked that service.
Seems to work for some people, I suppose. Serious relationships can come out of these places.
Odd as it is.
Mm. I'm wondering if closing my dating accounts is a good idea, but yeah, right now it is. I'm too busy working. Even if I met someone, I'd still have to figure out how to schedule a date. And then to see her, if things should happen to go well.
Eh. I don't even care, really. Part of me wants to meet someone new, another part doesn't. The other part already knows who it wants to be with.
Saw Gio this morning, he's on day shift, and remembered him and his girlfriend from back when I worked at the mod yard earlier this year.
I asked him how's it going with her, and he said she broke up with him. Said he was initially heart broken, but is now dating four different girls and things are going well.
Good for him. We bantered a bit about video games, which I couldn't really get into since I haven't touched anything in weeks. He was pretty happy with the new 4K TV he picked up. I gave him a suggestion to look into a Dolby Atmos receiver and speakers, which is the next-generation of home theatre sound.
(yawns) I'm bored. This post is boring. Laying in bed, almost about to pass out.
Time to liven things up. Copy/paste text time!
[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I wish you were here right now...
[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Me: Phew. Well... Harumph. You're not thinking of me touching you right now are you?
[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Me: Oh baby doll...
[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Now I am!
[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: (Exhale)
[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Me: And surely you aren't thinking of my tongue being anywhere it shouldn't be, are you?
[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Me: (insert dramatic pause)
[2016-04-15 10:33 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Let the lip biting commence...
[2016-04-15 10:33 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: 6 hours you say???
[2016-04-15 10:34 PM]
Me: Well, six hours for special occasions let's say. Like Hanukkah.
[2016-04-15 10:34 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Or Sunday?
[2016-04-15 10:35 PM]
Me: I thought you wanted to go out? 😀
[2016-04-15 10:35 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Just shy over two weeks till my birthday. And I do like to extend the celebration. 😆
[2016-04-15 10:37 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Oh David...
[2016-04-15 10:37 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Out shmout.
[2016-04-15 10:40 PM]
Me: I know. I'm still thinking about what to plan for it. Which day does it fall on?
Well...(sighs) maybe next weekend is better for going out, since I'll have you here overnight...
[2016-04-15 10:41 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: You don't have to plan anything for it. ☺ it's on a Monday.
[2016-04-15 10:42 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Hmmmmm mmmmm mm
[2016-04-15 10:43 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Overnights are my favorite nights...
[2016-04-15 10:43 PM]
Me: So the weekend before, then. Hrmm. Of course I have to plan for it. Where's the fun in not celebrating the occasion?
Do you like it more at your place or mine?
[2016-04-15 10:46 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Oh I'm not saying not to celebrate, I love celebrating my birthday, I'm just saying you don't have to , as in I don't want you to go through any trouble. Just seeing you and spending time with you would be enough. 😊
[2016-04-15 10:47 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: As for which place, both have their advantages, but I do like being at your place, you make me feel comfortable there. 😙
[2016-04-15 10:47 PM]
Me: Oh, Georgina...
[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Me: 😙
[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Yes...
[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Me: 😙😚😘
[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Right back atcha! 😙😙😙
[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Let's go back to your tongue...
[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Col
[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Mmmm
[2016-04-15 10:51 PM]
Me: What's my tongue supposed to be doing?
[2016-04-15 10:54 PM]
Me: Hehe
[2016-04-15 10:54 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Where exactly are the places it "shouldn't be"?
[2016-04-15 10:55 PM]
Me: I think you would know those places quite well, Georgina.
[2016-04-15 10:56 PM]
Me: On frozen poles, obviously 😆
[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: But of course! And that leaves so many places it *should* be
😉
[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Like on my neck...
[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Me: Mmm
[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: In my mouth...
[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Me: Hrmmm
[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: By my collarbone...
Yeah.. I don't think I'm going to copy/paste anything on here from her anymore. At least the texts. It's just.. too personal. I only wanted to memorialize the attraction we once felt for each other. It's important to remind myself of how she once felt towards me.
And I, to her.
(sighs)
Can't do anything about this.
I don't get it.
I don't get why we broke up.
And I sort of do.
But I don't.
And..
I'd do anything for us to go back to the way we were.
Time to sleep.
Read a bit of James Allen, and its interesting how much of a Buddhist influence his writings have. I like it. I'm looking forward to devouring his work and seeing if his philosophy would be a good fit for me.
But.. that's for when I get laid off, and so far, the rumors are saying it might happen as soon as next week. So, we'll see.
Invited Gyngie over to help hand out Halloween candies with me on Monday. She's undecided, so we'll see about that as well.
Two more nights of work, and then Sunday/Monday off.
(yawns)
So tired.
Gotta go.
Oh, and I lost more than twenty pounds in the past few months.
Yup. 168. Gone down from size 36 pants to 32, with a chance of maybe squeezing into 30s.
Crazy. I haven't weighed below 170 since my teens, I don't think. Used to weigh 200 just a short while ago.
Hmm.
Interesting what a broken heart can do.
Zzz...
