Crash Into Me

Well, another one in.. (checks knapsack) yes, another 12 hour shift is in the bag.

It was an alright night. Can't complain about anything really. Except for the insufferable boredom I was feeling towards the end of it.

Mm, no real highlight either. Except I guess for the bit of conversation I had with Hassan, who is a Somalian immigrant 1st-year apprentice. It was interesting getting into a debate with him on "Allah" and the Muslim point of view on several issues. I especially liked the part where he confessed to me that he wipes his penis with a paper towel after peeing. So that explains why he takes so long in the bathroom. He also seemed highly interested in some of the women I've dated. Especially the one-night stands I was involved in. Apparently it's a big deal to meet someone off the internet and have sex with them.

"Do you kiss them?" He asks.

"No, not usually," I responded. "I kind of have to love someone to want to kiss them."

And I realize how strange it is, that I'm okay with being physically intimate with a woman, but not emotionally. For me, kissing is more cerebral than anything else. Unless there is some serious physical attraction involved.

Hmm. Thinking of her and our kisses. They weren't the greatest. I guess I should've.. pursued them more, or something.

And.. hmph. Being stressed wasn't the reason she broke up with me. I'm sure it was part of it, but it's not the full picture of why it happened. I know this, because of the phone conversation we had, where she was hostile and adamant about being alone to raise her kids.

Wanting nothing more to do with me.

Despite my.. blubbering pleas for her to consider otherwise.

(sighs)

I also thought about what I wrote yesterday. I'm not a coward. Not all of the time, anyways. I've had several moments of bravery, but I do confess to not being able to consistently stand up for myself and against injustice. I sometimes see the effort of doing so, not worth popping a vein in my forehead over. It takes a lot to get me angry, and it takes even more, for me to do something about it.

Mm. My stepdad with the knife. Driving my car into the ditch (long story), confronting Sadie, 8-minute date, first online date, standing up to a dickhead of a foreman once, oh.. twice, counting the one this year.

I've had my moments. Been courageous when I needed courage the most.

Guess I overlooked the courage that Gina needed of me. The courage to throw my heart in, 100% and meet her family, etc.

Still though, I can't say I could have done anything differently at the time. There was no reason for me to change. No lead up to our relationship ending. No conversation really, about what our boundaries are and what we need from each other.

Well.. Can't cry about it. Although I have. Many times already.

I still shouldn't cry over it, though. I'm better than that. But then again, she's..

Worth crying over.

Yup. Although a part of me is bothered at how it all ended, and is intensely suspicious of the circumstances and angry at her for denying me real closure; I still feel for her. I still feel she's worth fighting for.

But, hrmph. As repeated again and again, I have little idea on how I can win this battle.

Reading our conversations.. well, stuff like this makes me want to print out the whole thing and mail it to her with a note saying, "We belong together" or something similar, like "This is not worth breaking up over". I don't know. My heart has been quiet lately, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

This would've been the week I'd have left her those scarecrows, and with it being Friday, I pretty much blew my chances on doing that. Not going to happen now for sure, despite how good of an idea I once thought it to be.

Now, it's the Christmas gift idea that's floating through my mind.

(sighs)

I don't know how I'll feel by then. I haven't.. Stopped thinking about her, but it's.. it feels..

I don't want to say the word hopeless, because it's not.

I believe love conquers all, and I have to go where my heart takes me. Eventually it will find what it's looking for. With her, or with someone else.

A guy in the smoke pit today, told me about how he met his girlfriend.

"Through Tinder!" he says, even though I raised my eyebrow in suspicion and told him about how much I disliked that service.

Seems to work for some people, I suppose. Serious relationships can come out of these places.

Odd as it is.

Mm. I'm wondering if closing my dating accounts is a good idea, but yeah, right now it is. I'm too busy working. Even if I met someone, I'd still have to figure out how to schedule a date. And then to see her, if things should happen to go well.

Eh. I don't even care, really. Part of me wants to meet someone new, another part doesn't. The other part already knows who it wants to be with.

Saw Gio this morning, he's on day shift, and remembered him and his girlfriend from back when I worked at the mod yard earlier this year.

I asked him how's it going with her, and he said she broke up with him. Said he was initially heart broken, but is now dating four different girls and things are going well.

Good for him. We bantered a bit about video games, which I couldn't really get into since I haven't touched anything in weeks. He was pretty happy with the new 4K TV he picked up. I gave him a suggestion to look into a Dolby Atmos receiver and speakers, which is the next-generation of home theatre sound.

(yawns) I'm bored. This post is boring. Laying in bed, almost about to pass out.

Time to liven things up. Copy/paste text time!

[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I wish you were here right now...

[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Me: Phew. Well... Harumph. You're not thinking of me touching you right now are you?

[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Me: Oh baby doll...

[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Now I am!

[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: (Exhale)

[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Me: And surely you aren't thinking of my tongue being anywhere it shouldn't be, are you?

[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Me: (insert dramatic pause)

[2016-04-15 10:33 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Let the lip biting commence...

[2016-04-15 10:33 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: 6 hours you say???

[2016-04-15 10:34 PM]
Me: Well, six hours for special occasions let's say. Like Hanukkah.

[2016-04-15 10:34 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Or Sunday?

[2016-04-15 10:35 PM]
Me: I thought you wanted to go out? 😀

[2016-04-15 10:35 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Just shy over two weeks till my birthday.  And I do like to extend the celebration. 😆

[2016-04-15 10:37 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Oh David...

[2016-04-15 10:37 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Out shmout.

[2016-04-15 10:40 PM]
Me: I know. I'm still thinking about what to plan for it. Which day does it fall on?

Well...(sighs) maybe next weekend is better for going out, since I'll have you here overnight...

[2016-04-15 10:41 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: You don't have to plan anything for it. ☺ it's on a Monday.

[2016-04-15 10:42 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Hmmmmm mmmmm mm

[2016-04-15 10:43 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Overnights are my favorite nights...

[2016-04-15 10:43 PM]
Me: So the weekend before, then. Hrmm. Of course I have to plan for it. Where's the fun in not celebrating the occasion?

Do you like it more at your place or mine?

[2016-04-15 10:46 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Oh I'm not saying not to celebrate, I love celebrating my birthday, I'm just saying you don't have to , as in I don't want you to go through any trouble. Just seeing you and spending time with you would be enough. 😊

[2016-04-15 10:47 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: As for which place,  both have their advantages, but I do like being at your place, you make me feel comfortable there. 😙

[2016-04-15 10:47 PM]
Me: Oh, Georgina...

[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Me: 😙

[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Yes...

[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Me: 😙😚😘

[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Right back atcha!  😙😙😙

[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Let's go back to your tongue...

[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Col

[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Mmmm

[2016-04-15 10:51 PM]
Me: What's my tongue supposed to be doing?

[2016-04-15 10:54 PM]
Me: Hehe

[2016-04-15 10:54 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Where exactly are the places it "shouldn't be"?

[2016-04-15 10:55 PM]
Me: I think you would know those places quite well, Georgina.

[2016-04-15 10:56 PM]
Me: On frozen poles, obviously 😆

[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: But of course! And that leaves so many places it *should* be
😉

[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Like on my neck...

[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Me: Mmm

[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: In my mouth...

[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Me: Hrmmm

[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: By my collarbone...

Yeah.. I don't think I'm going to copy/paste anything on here from her anymore. At least the texts. It's just.. too personal. I only wanted to memorialize the attraction we once felt for each other. It's important to remind myself of how she once felt towards me.

And I, to her.

(sighs)

Can't do anything about this.

I don't get it.

I don't get why we broke up.

And I sort of do.

But I don't.

And..

I'd do anything for us to go back to the way we were.

Time to sleep.

Read a bit of James Allen, and its interesting how much of a Buddhist influence his writings have. I like it. I'm looking forward to devouring his work and seeing if his philosophy would be a good fit for me.

But.. that's for when I get laid off, and so far, the rumors are saying it might happen as soon as next week. So, we'll see.

Invited Gyngie over to help hand out Halloween candies with me on Monday. She's undecided, so we'll see about that as well.

Two more nights of work, and then Sunday/Monday off.

(yawns)

So tired.

Gotta go.

Oh, and I lost more than twenty pounds in the past few months.

Yup. 168. Gone down from size 36 pants to 32, with a chance of maybe squeezing into 30s.

Crazy. I haven't weighed below 170 since my teens, I don't think. Used to weigh 200 just a short while ago.

Hmm.

Interesting what a broken heart can do.

Zzz...

Dancing With Myself

I decided to take a peek at the weeks preceding June 23rd, the day she officially broke up by sending me this:



[2016-06-23 6:24 PM] Carolyn Georgina Clayton:
David, I have to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... I've been struggling with this and I know this is going to blindside you, and for that I am so sorry, but I can't continue seeing you anymore.
I thought I was ready to date again and be in someone's life and have someone be in mine, but I'm not. I know this will not make sense to you and will probably leave you hurt and confused, and for that I am sorry, but I feel that this is for the best.

I don't want to hurt you, but I can't continue being part of something where my heart is not fully committed, it would be unfair to both of us.

My life is complicated and very stressful right now and I feel I am spreading myself too thin and not being the best I can be in any aspect.

You truly are a wonderful person and I hope you find someone who is deserving of everything that you have to offer, and will be able to give you everything you need in return, I just can't be that person.
I hope you can understand why I have to do this and I hope you can find a way to let me go. I also hope you can also eventually find a way to forgive me. I am so very sorry David.

=======

And the weird part? We were joking and being silly only a week before, seemingly in the best of moods.

It really was all of a sudden.

She really was stressed.

But.. Did I help contribute to that? I certainly didn't seem to ease it enough for her, especially when I should have. But I don't know. I didn't mean to be stressful to be with, or not being someone to ease stress with.

Maybe.. she really was spreading herself too thin? Should I actually believe those reasons? I just assumed it was a polite brush-off. A way of telling a white lie, in order to make me feel better.

Maybe this really was the reason. She was stressed, and I've been hearing about it for the weeks prior, too.

So, she was stressed.

I should have taken her seriously, but I didn't. For some stupid reason I didn't. I carried on like I did, not really attempting to cheer her up, or to delight her somehow. To treat her as an object of adoration. To kiss and ravish from the inside and out.

I should have seen this opportunity, the moment it presented itself. But I was oblivious. Dealing with my own stresses at work.  Still not willing to be completely vulnerable with her. Taking her for granted, due to how stressed I was, when it should have been the complete opposite.

I should have held onto her tightly, and told her that everything was going to be alright.

God.. I'm such a fool for not having seen this before. Such a fool.

Instead, I kept my distance when she needed me most.

And, when I needed her most.

It.. I guess this might be an explanation for why it happened.

The explanation.

A mystery having been solved.

But it's still only a piece of the puzzle. Knowing "why" it ended, is not the same as knowing "how" it ended. They are each different things. A why offers an immediate explanation, while the "how" goes into greater detail about how the conclusion was made, of the "why".

I still am thinking about the "how", how it all managed to end the way it did.

To me, the why almost doesn't matter, but here it is. This could actually be the best explanation.

But, I did contribute to it all ending. I had to have. So, did I do a bad job of being her boyfriend? By mistake?

I really think I did.

And.. it was worth breaking up over? She saw no hope for us on the horizon?

I guess so. That really says a lot about her lack of faith. And it stings as a form of rejection against me.

Apparently, I wasn't one to help solve her problems with, even if we had a heart-to-heart talk about it in person. She apparently didn't think I could offer her the comfort and sympathy that she needed.

Well.. that depresses me, if she would actually have thought that.

Because.. I would have loved to be a shoulder to cry on. For her. And to have her do the same for me.

But we didn't live together. We only saw each other on weekends whenever she didn't have the kids.

I couldn't be there for her, when she most needed it. All I did was text, and talk over the phone with her once or twice a week.

I couldn't physically be there. I couldn't emotionally be there maybe, either. Given how I was still keeping my heart guarded against the possibility of the relationship going sour. I could not be brave enough to have gone over to her place, with her kids awake and knowing who I am. And meeting them for the first time, that way. But.. had I met her kids earlier, I could have physically driven over and comfort her. The kids would know me by then. We would all be at ease.

Maybe had I not been such a coward, I could have stayed overnight at her place a few times and driven to work from there. Maybe I would've had my own key, had I managed to establish myself fully into her life, and formed relationships with her family and friends.

Jeez. I suck.

I suck. I was such a coward. No wonder.. No wonder she...

(sighs)

A coward.

I'm not liking this uncomfortable conclusion, but there it is.

Makes sense.

Who can respect a coward? Someone who fails to rise to the occasion? Who is terrified of meeting her family?

Wow.

God, am I a stupid motherfucker.

Is there even a way to come back from this? How can I possibly win her confidence in me again, if this is the reason for us breaking up?

How can I convince her that I love her, I'm no longer a coward, and I'm ready to laugh and live a life with her? How can I communicate those things, without being intrusive and unwelcome?

Wow.. What a puzzle this is. Now it's a matter of checking over my character, to ensure that I don't have much or any of the flaws in me to make the same mistakes again. I have to make sure that she can always count on me to be there for her.

But... wow. That is no picnic. There is nothing easy about figuring this one out.

Telling her that I love her, had no effect. No matter how sincere my final email to her was.

So. She really saw something in me that she didn't like. And it could be cowardice, or it could be also that and something else. I don't know yet, but I'm not looking forward to finding out what it might be.

I don't know if I should bother investigating all this in my head. It's not worth the effort, I don't think. But if I'm serious about fixing what was once broken; then I have to consider all possible defects. I can't just fix one, and call it a day when it could be a few other things as well.

Man.. I know nobody is perfect, but apparently there is something gravely imperfect about me.

This is tough. I'd have to make sure I become something that is undoubtedly much more than I once was. I'd have to become principled, honorable, truthful, grateful and in love with life. And to be able to be all that, while under the stress of my employment.

God, that's such a tough ask. I'm an introvert, and I value my alone time. I crave it. Working at my job doesn't give me the satisfaction of letting my thoughts wander, like they need to. Instead, my introversion is only (somewhat) satisfied by writing, and during my days off. My battery gets charged a little when I'm writing, and on my days off, I get refreshed quite a bit, but still not all the way through.

Trying to live a principled life in the way James Allen proposes, under MY conditions, is almost unreasonable. Impossible. I'd love to live in the way he suggests, but he is not alone and has lost the love of his life. He has found her. And he is not stressing about money. He retired at 38.

So, he hasn't had to deal with what I am presently dealing with. My scenario is much more challenging than anything Allen has faced in the past. Such as the problems I have with hearing correctly. Or the job that I loathe, but keep having to do. I mean, these are real issues that have to be dealt with before any fanciful personal development is desired to happen. I need to take care of my finances, first. I need to work. The reason why I owe 23 grand on my line of credit, is because I can't bring myself to work the whole year. I just haven't done it. Instead, I'm content to live off of 50k per year, rather than pursuing the means to make much more.

Hmm. That's how important free time is to me. I'm willing to give up that much, in order to secure it.

I'll use credit cards and my line of credit if I have to prolong going back to work. Whatever my soul absolutely requires. If it feels like three months is the right amount of time to be taking off; then it gets three months. No matter what.

Kind of have to listen to myself when it comes to these things. My body and mind seem almost incapable of being at the top of their operating potential. They're just brittle, broken things that shuffle along like a zombie. I kind of sell my soul, whenever I go to work. And that's exactly how it feels like, slavery. And yet, I get paid quite a bit of money for doing this. Thankfully, so. As I could never have as much free time as I have, had it not been for the great wages.

Anyways.. Looks like a few interesting ideas have surfaced after reading our conversations. Too bad I won't have the needed amount of time to really chew on these thoughts. Not until I'm laid off. I just need time to think without interruptions.

Well.. Guess it's bed time now. Looks like I learned something new, in a surprisingly (bleak) way.

I'm a chicken shit, and that's why Georgina broke up with me.

I don't see how I can convince her otherwise.

It might not even be possible.

Except, I'm too stupid to be thinking about how impossible it may be. And instead, I'm going to consider the possible ways of achieving my goal. No matter how ludicrous the suggestions; I will give equal weight to all of the ideas that will go through my head.

Then, I'll pick something out. Eventually, I think. And run with it as far as I can go.

Maybe I should start with fixing myself, before anything else. I need to make myself into someone worthwhile, if I didn't appear that way to her towards the end.

Hmm.

(searches self)

This could take a while.

Needs More Cowbell

Everyone gather around! It's copy/paste text time!


[2016-03-10 6:32 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Good morning to you and your furry counterparts. :)

Hope everyone is behaving themselves and you weren't woken up to cats trying to claw at your soul or a fluffy butt in your face. ;)

[2016-03-10 6:50 AM]
Me: I did get the fluffy butt in my face. How did you know that? Sounds like you picked up a few things from that psychic.

Good morning Gena ;)

[2016-03-10 6:56 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: That's Jeena to you! :P

[2016-03-10 6:59 AM]
Me: Sorry Sheena

[2016-03-10 7:02 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: You just can't get it right! Try She-ra. They call me She-ra Princess of Power.

[2016-03-10 7:04 AM]
Me: I can only call you that if you wear the outfit. Ahem. Eh? Eh?

[2016-03-10 7:04 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Want to be my He-Man? *wink* * wink*

[2016-03-10 7:05 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I only wear it for He-Man.

[2016-03-10 7:05 AM]
Me: Sadly I don't have the abs to be He-Man :(

[2016-03-10 7:07 AM]
Me: https://youtu.be/ZZ5LpwO-An4

[2016-03-10 7:11 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I'll just call you Prince Adam... you already have 3 battle cats. - har de har har.

[2016-03-10 7:13 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: He's got some pretty sweet moves to go with that wicked sound. :)

[2016-03-10 7:18 AM]
Me: Hehe. Alright. You can be the sheath for my sword then. The power of Greyskull compells you!

[2016-03-10 7:29 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I can't wait to feel the power of your sword.

[2016-03-10 7:48 AM]
Me: Mmmm. Hrmph.

[2016-03-10 7:49 AM]
Me: (checks calendar) yep, it's only Thursday

[2016-03-10 7:55 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: 1 day closer to Sunday... that's my fun day. ;)

[2016-03-10 8:28 AM]
Me: Heh. On the following maniac Monday, you might find yourself walking like an Egyptian ;)

[2016-03-10 8:44 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Something That You Said makes me Want You, In Your Room...

but I'm a Complicated Girl....

Now I have to get back to The Real World, I can't think about Walking Down Your Street in A Hazy Shade of Winter to make me Sweet Dreams Come True...

====================

(sighs) Isn't that something? Beautiful. When I read this excerpt in bed, I felt this rush to run over to the blog and post about it. I had this big sigh leave my lips after reading that one page.

Just so beautiful.

Granted, those texts had us together for only about three weeks after we first met; so it is the honeymoon phase. However, eventually when I start to really read our transcript, I'll be sure to report back on how it was going four-months in, and then fifth; the final one. I'm curious to see if I can discover anything obvious during the later stages of our relationship. There might be a cause, somewhere. Or something I've overlooked or started doing. Hmm. Don't know yet. Not enough time in a day to find out.

Off to sleep with my newest playlist going.

That girl I tell you... (sighs)

Am I right?

Still Waiting, Still Waiting, For This World To...

It was not a good shift tonight. I disappointed my foreman, by choosing not to work 12 hours when he needed me to help out. It.. I'm not going to bother getting into the details. It's not a big deal, but I spent the last hour and a half basically doing nothing, until the very last minute when a rush job came up and I was expected to transform into the Tasmanian Devil, whirling around getting stuff done.

Sorry Wayne. I respect you. I like you. I sometimes even admire you, but I'm tired. Demoralized. Lonely. Sad, and trying not to be.

Thoughts of her tonight, were infrequent. Just flashes of her face, nothing much else. Apart from this one moment I had, where the thought of her being happy with someone else entered my mind, and I felt this.. guilt.. or something unpleasant make itself known.

If I love her, I'd want her to be happy. But.. with someone else? I couldn't reconcile that. Couldn't accept it. Felt guilty knowing that I'm selfish to think this way. But also feeling a bit.. upset, that I couldn't be the man she wants. Even though during our first few months, I was.

Work really beats me down. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can't enjoy what I do for a living. I've done it for long enough, that the only reason I enjoy going to work, is the interactions I have with other people. And when I've milked all the archetypes for what they're worth; I'm left with nothing to interest myself with. Don't get me wrong, I love people, but the average construction worker is not particularly well-read. For example. Mike. He has never read a novel, he proudly admits, and he's not the first one to say that either. Does he listen to music? "I listen to everything" is the common answer, but it usually only means whatever is on the radio. Often times, Sonic 102.9, the "alternative" station.

I rarely get into conversations about books or music. Although movies I have better luck with. Since Colby took me up on my recommendation of True Romance, and told me he really enjoyed it.

Everyone else.. well, with few exceptions, by and large the average construction worker disrespects women. Lives beyond their means. Enjoys cars, hunting, fishing, drinking, drugs. Loves money, of course. Watches sports. Often don't have the best relationship with their spouses, or they are paying child support to an ex. Somewhat racist. Makes lewd jokes. Basically, a redneck. And.. it really feels like I've tapped that well dry. I can't.. I mean, I still enjoy talking with people, but its not the meaningful conversation I prefer to have.

Except last night, I had a good and meaningful conversation with a crane operator, who is in his 60s and told me about how much he dislikes tattoos on women ("I agree!") and how he changed careers at 49. And he has no idea what Edo Japan is. "Is it a restaurant?"

Apart from these small moments, I really feel done with this career. And with layoffs being imminent, and with 2017 likely to be a tough year for finding work; I'm going to have to consider alternatives. I need a job that I would enjoy getting up in the morning for. Thrilled to show up and do my part. Even if it doesn't pay as well as the job I have now.

I still think of the hospital idea, but I realize that's not really a position I can apply for because it doesn't exist. Then I thought of old age homes, and.. I don't know about that one either.

Not sure where I'd best fit in, but I know it has to involve personal one-on-one conversations with new people. So, whatever that is. Or at least, it has to be personally rewarding, utilizing my creativity and sense of humor. That would be writing, I'd imagine. But that doesn't pay much.

(sighs) Georgina.. The woman I love..

I.. don't have words to express what I'm feeling right now. That pang of guilt I experienced, when I thought of her with someone else.. It wasn't good.

And still, there's nothing I can do about it, but soldier on.

Tough it out.

Wait for the answers to come.

I'm tired of having lived in Edmonton or around Edmonton, for most of my life too. I'm tired of not having been on a real vacation since 2004 when I went to Vegas. Twelve years ago.

I feel.. so.. trapped. It feels like my life is on rails, not really veering off into any new directions. Just going in a straight line. The same sights. The same people. The same routine. The same complaints.

I'd like to.. I don't know. Win the lottery, I guess, but how likely is that to happen. Not very.

Just going on rails.

James Allen.. Hmm. He was lucky in having a wife, and retiring at the age of 38 in a cottage by the sea. That's a dream come true for me. I can see myself living the same routine he had, of meditating in the morning, writing, gardening and then talking with people in the evening. What a great, stress-free life he must have had. Kudos to him.

But, I live in 2016. Where we have income tax, unlike back then. And we are basically the working poor; trying to pay off our mortgages, utilities, and paying taxes on top of taxes and surcharges and interest and whatever else. Slaves, more or less.

Although, if I really am motivated to do what Allen did; I probably could find a cheap cottage someplace. Anyplace, in the world. Perhaps the Czech Republic (Slovakia) even, if I can apply for a dual-citizenship. Or Poland. But, I imagine I wouldn't enjoy living there. No matter how cheap the cost of living might be. My experience with Polish people, haven't been very positive. Heavy drinkers and partiers, you see. Not particularly empathic, or thoughtful.

I'll have to look into my options. Formulate a plan. Work towards executing it.

On top of all the other things I want to change about my life. It can be overwhelming, to go through the list in my mind of what I want to work on.

I've already lost weight. Twenty pounds or so, from when I was broken up with. Just not having much of an appetite. And I notice now, which foods have been causing me these stomach gurgles/cramps that I've been dealing with for years.

Pizza. My favorite food. And it depends on the type of pizza as well, as certain kinds seem to have no effect on me.

Coffee doesn't help either. Neither does sugar. So, I've stopped eating junk food for the most part. Indulging in small amounts. Still drinking coffee though.

Hmph. There's progress being made in my life, I suppose. Physically, anyways. Spiritually, some changes I think. Intellectually, a few things in there as well. And emotionally.. Well, phew.. that one.. is harder to gauge. I'd like to think I'm more in control of my emotions now, and that I understand them better post-breakup; but I can't really tell if that's the case or not. I do have a better understanding, but it's putting that understanding into practice which matters the most.

Advice is useless, knowledge is useless, until its being used. And I've accumulated a lot that I haven't been using.

Which is probably why I want to write. To get all those things I've learned down, onto paper, so they won't be so useless anymore. Just emptying my mind out, might serve some value to someone, somewhere, sometime. Who knows.

The best form of education, is when it feels like entertainment. And that's primarily why a novel seems like the right medium to be expressing what I've learned inside of. And this blog, also, has been helpful, even though my entries have been feeling like a dry read without much humor inside of them.

Oh well.

The best part of who I am, seems to emerge only when I'm relaxed and without stress.

And that is hard for me to pull off when I'm working full-time. At this particular kind of job.

It wasn't always this way, but it is now.

(shrugs)

This or next week, might be layoffs at work, so free time is around the corner.

I just hope I can make the most of it. I loved my summer. I still consider it to be one of the best and most productive use of my time off for as long as I can remember. But, I didn't actually write very much. I got a lot done around the house, sure. And I dated a lot of girls. And I kept myself busy each day and meditating, and reclaiming my authenticity, but I don't know if I can repeat all that once I get laid off again. There's not much left to do around the house now. Apart from maybe the drywall in the garage, and organizing everything in there. Maybe a few decorating ideas. Maybe a bit of painting. That's really it.

Hmm. We'll see how it goes when it happens. I'm sure to catch up on my reading. Got a lot of books to go through. So I'm looking forward to that, at least.

Well blog.. Just want to say thank you for being here. I didn't realize how important you are to me, until I was forced to find a way to confess my feelings, without making anyone uncomfortable. You're my priest, my confessional booth. And I don't know what I would be thinking and feeling right now, if I didn't keep posting on here.

I'd probably be in a murky swamp. My mind muddled. My pain magnified. Feeling even more lonely and sad than I am right now.

So.. I really appreciate having you here, my blog.

And I'm glad to be writing in you.

Now.. Well.. yeah.

Just.. going to keep pining away, I guess.

Trying my best to listen.

Until the answers come.

Onward and Upwards

Yeah, I love her.

Pfbt. Even after what I thought about last night, and how selfish and cruel she was for breaking up with me the way she did; I still love her. And I'm starting to understand the reasons. Even if its all coming off of a hypothesis I came up with on my own.

Which may or may not be the correct one to have.

This is why you don't break up with someone over text. And why you should clearly explain the reasons. Breaking up in person would at least eliminate a lot of questions, and its unfair that she knows exactly what the reasons were, and wouldn't share it with me.

I'm that kind of guy. I'm really curious and contemplative of such things. My imagination will spiral all over the place until I get answers.

Still love her, though. I know she's afraid of confrontation. I know how bad her past relationship was. And still, I feel like I understand her point of view and I'm still willing to try and figure out a way to...

Heh. Get back together.. but, that is such a naive goal to have, considering the months that have already passed and the fact that she said she doesn't feel the same way towards me as she used to.

So.. What can I do?

Should I do anything?

Why can't I move on? Because, I think she's worth fighting for. Believing in. Being with.

Despite all that has happened.

And, I have to prepare myself to at least consider myself ready to be in a relationship. Specifically, the type of relationship she would most want to be in. Because until I can call myself ready, I can't and shouldn't think about us getting back together. I can't make any promises. I'd try my best to be a good boyfriend and stepfather, but I can't promise I will do a good job. All I can assure her of, is my willingness to try.

That's it.

And so.. That is where I'm at, at the moment.

In limbo.

The biggest challenge in being able to do anything, is to spark those feelings in her. Any kind of positive feeling. Make her smile. Cheer her up.

So that involves.. something I'm not sure yet.

The scarecrows sounds like a good idea now, again. Even though I've been telling myself constantly this past while that it wouldn't be.

I don't know man. Such a predicament. I could give up, but that's my last resort, and I'm not ready to seriously consider it yet.

Why do I love her?

Let me count the ways...

(sighs) .. She has no tattoos. She doesn't swear. Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Is responsible, mentally sound, not overweight, considerate (before the breakup), kind, uncomplaining, willing to please.

Appreciative. Giving. She loves movies and music as much as I do. She loves sex as much as I do.

She loves her kids, and for a while, I wasn't sure what to believe about how much she loves them; but she does, she really does, and thats exactly the kind of woman I'd want in my life.

Someone with a lot of love to give.

Someone who isn't cynical. Who is optimistic. Bright. Cheery.

Funny. She had a good sense of humor that I appreciated. Especially when she tied up Darth Vader to my bed. I can't believe how hilarious she can sometimes be. I loved the way she laughed. I loved the way she used to say hi to me, all coy and shy.

Such a sweet, loving, generous person with a huge heart. There's so few people like her out there. She reminds me of my mother, more so than I care to admit.

And.. well, I failed in demonstrating myself to her. I failed in sharing enough of myself for her to know who I really am, what I need, and what I can offer.

Is that entirely my fault? Yes and no. Circumstances and the past, all dictate the kind of mood I'm in. And I have a hard time faking a smile, when I really don't feel like smiling. My best times, are the times when I'm not working. When I'm relaxed, and calm and composed.

That's when I start to feel good about life.

James Allen and his five principles.. Hmm. Again, a healthy degree of skepticism on my part; but I will try and find time to read a bit of his book whenever I can. It at least sounds practical, unlike something as "woo" as The Secret. Or Dianetics. Or even the Gnostic Gospels.

Just sound principles to live one's life by.

The tough part is incorporating everything I've learned and turning it into a daily habit and practice. That's the challenge, right there. Advice is useless unless acted upon, so therefore I will have to make the effort of living the life that James Allen advises us all to live.

What really helped in my taking his words seriously, is the fact that I got a random quote on my phone from him the day after I flipped randomly through his book. It is a coincidence, and I feel that coincidences are God's way of winking at us.

There is a bit of mental gymnastics involved in my explaining how God can possibly put a random quote on my phone from James Allen; but I think I have it figured out. Given that I've been reading on spirituality and self-improvement since I was 14 years old. Possibly longer, if you count reading about ghosts and spirits and unusual occurances and miracles. My life has been unintentionally devoted to figuring out whether or not we live in a magical world; or a mundane one.

I'm leaning towards the magical part, personally. There's only two choices, really. Either there is a God, or there isn't. And if I believe in God, then I must be able to depict him truthfully and guess at his capabilities.

So.. Theories, theories. Who is God? What can God do? Why would, and could, God have a relationship with me even though I'm only one of billions of people on the planet, excepting other planets with other intelligent life forms in the vastness of the universe.

How can something so omnipotent, be able to make time to make my life easier? Or to bring me closer to understanding and accepting the love that I feel God has for all that he has created.

It's the personal relationship that I wonder about most. What am I entitled towards? What can be accomplished?

Since it's God, I would assume anything. Since God is everywhere and in everything and everyone; then it's power has to be vast. It's intelligence several orders of magnitude greater than the most intelligent person that has ever walked this planet.

So, with an intelligence like that, it stands to reason that what many could consider as impossible, might be very possible indeed.

I'm not talking about miracles like walking on water, or talking to people in the form of a burning bush; I'm thinking about what is possible within what Earthly physics allow. Because, as great as I think God is, I also think there are rules to abide by. There are constraints and limitations that have to be worked around.

One of the theories I've toyed with for years, is the possibility that each time we wake from sleep; we enter a reality that is very similar to the one we left behind, but slightly different. There is complexity in discussing all that, but this is the gist of what I've managed to come up with.

Each time we sleep, we wake to a new world. And we are each the Gods of our own domain. Our intentions and beliefs shape the world around us, and this all plays into the multi-verse theory or the parallel Earths theory. You know, like an episode of Sliders.

I am God and I am not.

We are apparently made in his own image.

Again, a complex theory that I'm only giving bits and pieces of; but it all sort of makes sense, excepting a few questions here and there that I haven't found satisfaction in answering or coming up with an explanation for.

I believe in both pre-destination and free-will. I believe we all have the power of God within us. I believe we all have our destinies to live out.

I believe each of us affect one another, in even the most fleeting of interactions.

A smile makes just as much a difference, as would murdering someone. Driving to go buy something at a store, is something that can affect variables out there and alter the trajectory of someone's life. Whether I realize it or not. Just my being in this world, is affecting it. Perhaps I stopped someone from being in a car accident, by driving slow. Maybe I caused one to happen, inadvertently.

Who really knows? But my theories seem to explain it.

I see it all as the Matrix, kind of. A dream world. A stimulation where you can alter variables to bring about certain outcomes.

Including have a random quote from James Allen on my phone.

I can't explain that, just like I can't explain other coincidences in my life; so, I'm going to have to accept them as a small demonstration of what "God" can do.

My novel is going to get into more detail about how I think about this stuff. It really fascinates me to try and solve this mystery. And I'm fortunate to have had certain things happen to me which enabled a serious contemplation of just how active God can be in this world.

And in our individual lives.

Well, work awaits.

Time to go.

Time to think of her again all night, I bet.

Business as usual.

The Clown With The Upside-Down Frown

Yep. Another pathetic post coming full-steam ahead.

Nothing remarkable happened at all last night during the shift, other than the usual thinking about her. Except this time, instead of having images and memories of her churning around in my mind all going nowhere; tonight, I sort of pieced together clues, to try and better understand what her reasons were for breaking up with me.

I still to this day, am shocked at how sudden it all was. Like a light switch. It just zapped me by surprise while I was at work, it shook me hard enough to book out of there at noon, just to recompose myself.

It was a tough time for me, and I need to figure out how it all happened. She just wouldn't tell me. I don't know if she wants to spare my feelings, to deny me understanding, or something else that I'm not aware of.

So, I have to play the detective and try to figure this all out for myself. Not easy, I tell you. Going by what few clues I have.

This is what I've figured out so far. She initially fell for me on OkCupid because of the humor in my profile. This means she valued my levity, my lightness and playfulness. My brightest sense of being.

And for a while, it went great. I did manage to come into the relationship feeling like I had an unlimited capacity to love another human being; and was curious to know if Georgina was going to be the recipient of all my heart can offer.

But then, on May 1st, my Father died. And, my moods went sour, and sad and distracted.

I couldn't quite get my authentic self out there again. Not until I could overcome both my Father's passing, and the troubles I was having at work with a new job.

And I had to quit that new job, three days in. Because the foreman/supervisor implied to me over the phone that if I miss any more time, I would have to come here and get my tools. And be let go.

I had a problem with that. I had to take that time off. Not just to grieve, but to arrange for my Father's viewing. Which was the day I called into work saying that I couldn't come in, and the foreman/supervisor calls to threaten me if I don't show up.

It was one of those rush jobs, where they needed all hands on deck and were running on fumes. Small contract, just a couple of weeks; but my foreman/supervisor badly needed it finished, and didn't want to waste money spent on getting me onto site, if I wasn't actually going to be there.

That's when I quit, and had a shouting match with my foreman over this crap. The condescending way he said, "look, I'm sorry your dad died, but..." and then denying that he told me I was fired, even though I asked him to repeat himself twice, and then telling him I was going to come by to pick up my tools and quit.

Anyways, just a nasty argument/misunderstanding, whatever it was.

That didn't help my moods any, with my dad passing away, and then this.

A few weeks later, I get a job at a mod yard where its fast-paced and they are extra critical of the quality of work being put in. Foremans and bosses walking around constantly, making sure that everyone is on track and are pulling their weight. Just a beast patrol of a place to work at. I felt so pressured and stressed being there.

And to top it off, it was getting to be really hot outside which is no picnic for someone to be wearing thick coveralls, gloves, a hardhat and heavy boots. You start sweating like crazy, and as the sun beats down on your face, rapidly sunburning it; you start to get stressed. There's no real way of pacifying this for me, other than to either drink, do drugs, or have sex.

Yes, sex. Sex de-stresses me. Anyways, so thinking about all these factors naturally led to me becoming more withdrawn and less amusing to be around. Less.. interesting. Less giving. Less caring. More wanting sex. More selfish. Less put together.

So.. with these thoughts in mind, I began to form a picture of how Georgina once saw me. Or might have seen me. I also took into consideration a photo I saw of her at an event with her sociopathic alcoholic ex-boyfriend/father of her kids. In this picture, Gina was at a table smiling into the camera and Dustin, her ex, is on her right with this sullen expression on his face.

A light bulb kind of went off, once I remembered this picture. Maybe Gina came from a relationship where she was forced to keep a happy face, but was dying inside from the pain of being with someone like Dustin. Maybe Gina began to see similar things between how I was behaving, and how her ex might have behaved. Maybe she was so fearful of a repeat of her past relationship, that she would have rather ended this with me, than to have to go through something as awful as it was, again, but with me in the role of her ex.

... Yeah.. This might really be reaching, but I have to construct a narrative somehow. I don't have one. I really don't have the understanding of why she did what she did. And so, this seems to be the best explanation I can come up with.

She didn't want history to repeat itself.

Okay, so that's one part of the puzzle that might be solved. But that can't be the only reason, is it?

I don't know. This is all I've got for now. She wanted me for my sense of humor. She sent me the message first, saying how much she loved my profile.

And from the time my father passed away, until the next month when we broke up; it just seemed to coincide so well, with explaining why I may have started taking her for granted. Or appearing as if I was.

Boy.. This is dumb stuff to write and think about. Yeah, I want her back, but if its my humor, or the lightness of my character that she was most attracted towards; then how can I express that side of myself again to her, in order for her to consider taking me back?

And, why should I beg? Other than for her to understand correctly, how I came to be, before passing cruel judgement on my person. During that month I was terribly stressed, and I was not the man that I most wanted to be. I go through hard times while working, and its a struggle to keep my smile sometimes. I feel so beaten and.. feeling so helpless in being forced to work at doing what I do. I just don't have any other options at the moment that I truly believe in. Even if I could write the entire novel I've been wanting to do for years; I still can't guarantee it will be any good. At least, good enough for a publisher to take notice of and a public following that will reward it's debut. If it even can be marketed correctly to take off and land among a bestseller list someplace. And then, that slow sporadic and uncertain growth towards profitability; with the smallest chance of making multiple times the amount of money and time invested into the book itself.

It's such a scary hill to climb. Assuming I can finish this novel.

(sighs)

Well, back to thinking again about what to do. I had thought about appealing to her sense of humor, by leaving a carved girl pumpkin with a pink bow in her "hair"; and then two mini-watermelon carvings of grinning young boys, at her door. Amusing her kids and herself when they see it.

(groans) ... I can't do that. Such a dumb idea. It's not going to win her back. No way in hell.

Sense of humor? Thoughtfulness? Sure.. I guess. If you're psycho. That is what I'm going to be thought of, if I go through with the idea.

Same deal with the scarecrows. Can't do it.

Christmas gift is so iffy, right now. I don't know if I'll mail her anything, but I'm thinking of it. Something small, or meaningful, that she would enjoy sharing with her kids.

First thought in my mind, was the star projector; but that's not child-friendly.

Again.. Any kind of gift, is not going to win her back.

An email? Probably not. No matter how well-written and honest it is.

Gifts, emails, scarecrows, pumpkins... All are ideas that have to be turfed.

Not many options left.

Text her again? I don't think she'll respond.

Won't pick up the phone, either.

And.. That leaves one final idea. But something tells me, I probably won't go through with it.

I'm not going to say what it is, because of how cheesy it sounds. Except I think that cheesiness could work in my favor.

But then again, even if I go through with, and let's assume that she does want me back; then what? Will I be able to make her feel differently about me? Will she be able to fall back into infatuation with me? Possibly in love?

What would compel her to take the risk?

See.. productive thinking. I'm really putting myself into her shoes, to try and make sense of all this. It's tough. Especially picturing a female psyche, and considering their differing and sometimes wildly surprising perspectives.

End result of all this? I'm.. not sure yet. But James Allen gave me a bit of food for thought, as I randomly flipped through the book before leaving for work yesterday; and found his five principles to live by.

The five principles were,

1) Honesty
2) Economy
3) Liberality
4) Duty
5) Self-Control

These are all that a man must exemplify, should he wish to max out the potential of his spiritual being and capability in this world. To live a life that is worth living. That is respectable. Authentic. Admirable. Magical. Inspirational.

I had to read up a little on James Allen, and he was a real interesting guy. For most of his life, he worked as a secretary until the age of 38, when he and his wife officially "retired" from employment at a quiet cottage by the sea (or ocean, can't remember). James would spend his days going by a routine like this,

Upon awakening, he would take an hour-long walk in the hills and spend time in meditation. Then, he would return home and write which he considered only the tested and truest methods were to be; for he would practice what he attempted to preach. And validate on his own, the worth of his writings.

Honorable and pragmatic fellow for sure, from what I can tell. It must be nice retiring at the age of 38 and spending time writing, meditating, gardening and hanging out with friends having deep conversations and living life by a theoretical framework that you are continuously improving upon.

It was almost like, he made himself a job. A job where he was tasked with becoming the purest form of character imaginable. The most beneficial form. The most positive, and good of what a human being ca be. He would use himself as a guinea pig, to try his methods out on.

Sounded like a good person to me. Heck, James Allen was a GOOD man. There is no doubt about it. I haven't come across anything that contradicts this observation.

So, Allen was a good man. But, he didn't make much money off of his writings. He and his wife, were probably scraping to get by. Who knows? But then again, Allen was into asceticism, and living well beneath his means. Also a respectable quality, given today's obsession with acquiring material possessions.

Still though, he had a wife. He had support; and had someone to love, and be loved by.

Just having that kind of person in your life, makes a world of a difference in how you perceive things and what you most value having.

Because, you've already found what you most want to have, Mr. Allen. Love. You had it. I don't.

And your teachings suggest that riches will be mine, should I follow the rules; yet, you could not follow such ideas yourself, and become rich when you never were. Could you? Were you really interested in practicing aestheticism? Or was it a smokescreen for not ever having made much money from the effort of writing 19 books? "I didn't want to make money, I choose poverty." is kind of hard for me to believe, even though I know nothing of how much money Allen actually had, that he could retire at the age of 38. Was his wife rich?

So these thoughts are what make me go, "hmm" at his work, and take it with a skeptical, but curious eye. I'm open to suggestion, and being cautious until I'm absolutely sure I can commit to the philosophy he espouses. This isn't the first self-help book I'd ever read. There's a long list of them.

But Allen had love, don't forget. Even poverty is preferable than to live a life of loneliness and without love. Or even the vaguest resemblance of it.

So.. Anyways. Those five principles were the side dishes to accompany me before thoughts of Gina, and the work I was doing; intruded. My night was mostly thinking about this stuff. Not even consciously, really.

Well, I'm tired. In bed, listening to music.

Grace Beneath The Pines by Glen Hansard going and I should stop by the pawn shop once I get up, to buy a pair of tighteners for work.

She liked me for my sense of humor.

I can't write her a funny letter.

I can't do anything.

Other than wait.

And think.

And listen for marching orders from my heart.

And feel like an idiot wasting his time; or enjoying, the anticipation of having his faith rewarded. Never really knowing which.

Bleh. I'm such a clown for acting like this.

Hmm.

The clown with the upside-down frown.

Purple Rain

Raining outside, and I'm hoping to leave work early if it's still raining at 8/9.

Feeling blah, right now. And I made a bit of a discovery regarding those thoughts of Gina. As usual, woke up thinking about her and I'm now realizing that some of my thoughts are paired to regretful moments. Or moments between us where I wish I would've said something different. Or done something different.

I said I was in love, but.. Thoughts like these, they can't be love. I don't feel good having them. I don't like knowing how I wasted certain opportunities. I don't like thinking about what could have been.

And that is what runs through my mind.

What a waste of mental energy this all is. Four months it's been since I seen her, and this is what I occupy my mind with.

I'm not going to berate my.. Mind, or soul or heart or whatever is actually prompting these thoughts, because I know better than to fight myself. It'll only get worse if I do. I can only grit my teeth and soldier on.

What other alternative is there?

Maybe I could force a more constructive way of being. But I don't know how to do that. Should I repeat mantras to myself? If so, what should I say? Should I try and crowd out these thoughts? With what? What could be more important that will override them?

I honestly don't know. This all feels like a ride I'm on, and sooner or later, it has to end, doesn't it?

But...

Its been happening for months now.

I don't want to imagine this still happening in a year. Or years.

There's no..  Closure for me, it seems. Whatever reasons Gina had for breaking up, they seem to be ones that she likely found contentment with. Even if they are false. Even if she based her reasons on a mistaken assumption of who I am.

And that's the part that irks me, because.. She has little idea of who I am and what I've been through. I didn't share enough of myself for her to really know these things.

And so, a pang of regret hits me, wishing that I had opened myself completely to her, when I could.

Except, my reasons for not doing it back then, were and still are, good reasons to have. I couldn't endure another  heartache. Another disappointment. Another failure.

And I find myself doing just that.

In spite of having tried to protect myself and to take things slow with us.

I have to endure another failure. The worst one yet.

And I refuse to let it break me.

So, then. I must go on enduring. For better or worse.

It's not a pleasant way to be, but I see no other option. Unless I were to reactivate my dating profiles, and give it my very best shot.

Again. As I have been for years.

And I'm so tired of doing that.

But... It's one option.

Only.. I can't face another rejection. I would rather be alone, than to be rejected again. I don't need to feel reminded of how worthless I appear to be, to the people I want to be with the most.

It hurts too much, to try. And..

I'm just not ready to go through the same motions as I have been for years. Keeping faith alive for the "one" to arrive.

Because I think she already did.

And..

It's why I keep thinking of her. Because either way, I need to grow from this experience. Whether or not I end up letting her go, or if I somehow come across an idea or plan to get her back; I have to learn something important about myself. And I'm not yet sure what that might be.

Because I don't ever want to make this same mistake twice, that I made with her.

I'll never forgive myself if I do.

And so, I endure.

I wait.

I listen.

I pray.

And I still try to have hope, and to be a good person.

Its all I can do.

Time to go to work, although I really don't want to.

But I have to endure it.

(sighs)

I'm really reminded of how precious free time is. And how I need to make the most of it.

I need to push myself to move forward, even when it feels like I'm standing still. Going through the same motions everyday.

Eat, sleep, work.

Think about her.

Write on my blog. Read a few pages of a book.

The same thing, day after day.

It's raining, so I know she must have a migraine right now. It always happens during bad weather, and she rarely complains about it. And pushes herself through.

Maybe that's something I need to learn from.

Off I go.

Boom Boom Boom

Work went well, really well. Another 12 hour shift in the bag.

Highlight of the night, was this:

My foreman Wayne, came by to get me onto a new job that had to be done, so as we were looking at the pipe, this is how the conversation went.

Wayne: "You put a piece of metal on here, boom!"
Me: "..."
Wayne: "End cap on there, boom!"
Me: "Boom, boom boom" I said, in a sing-song voice.

This is the best part.

Wayne paused for a few seconds, looks at me, and goes,

"Boom, boom boom, let me hear you say ay-yo!"

He picked up on my Outhere Brothers reference. The song, "Boom, boom boom" was a flash in the pan, 90s hit single back in the day.

"Ay-yo!" I replied. Smiling.

And.. yeah. That was the highlight. The rest of the night was busy, busy, busy. Or, boom boom boom to be more accurate. I didn't have much time to relax, or catch my breath. Did 3 1/2 jobs tonight, as opposed to the usual 1 1/2 that normally gets done.

Wayne gave me a nice compliment too. Saying that I'm doing a great job. I appreciated hearing that.

One thing that I need to mention, is that I kept thinking of her again tonight. She was running rampant through my mind. It would be a flash of her face, or something she's said, or me kissing her, or.. whatever would pop in, and oddly enough, I didn't feel annoyed by it. Thoughts of Georgina just flowed through me, and I didn't try and swat them away.

I did indulge a few memories here and there, but nothing for too long. Even now as I type, I just had a flash of her face pop into my mind. That smile of hers. That beautiful complexion. Those blue eyes.

(sighs)

I don't know anymore. I.. it hurts to imagine her not thinking of me at all. Or thinking the worst of me, for some reason. And on the other side of the coin, I wonder if she misses me. Or if she thinks of me from time to time. I wonder if she..

..wants to get back in touch.

(double sigh)

I doubt it, though. I d.. ugh. It hurts having to admit it, or wanting to admit that she is happy without me and I am nothing more than a phase in her life that she's glad to have put behind.

I.. really don't... I still don't understand how we broke up. I don't know what the reasons actually were. It seemed that up until our last few weeks together, everything was fine. Everything was going well.

Until it didn't. And.. well.. I've already told the story.

So... I don't know anymore. I.. don't.. know.. if I can stop thinking of her. It's been months, now. MONTHS.

Months.. Four months, I think, since I saw her last.

Almost half a year.

And I still. Keep. Thinking. Of. Her.

Like I said, a part of me wants to forget and move on, and the other part does not. The other part wants to cherish the memories I have of her, and hope for her return, somehow.

It's so hard to kill this hope of mine.

And.. I really should write out all the reasons why I love her. Just to put it into perspective. Because, there's a rational way of being, and an irrational way of being.

The irrational way, is to be obsessed without just cause.

The rational way, is to love her for who she is and the times we've shared.

That's the dilemma I'm in right now. To forget her, is to.. turn my back on the best relationship I've ever been in, and to.. betray the feelings I still have for her. To forget that I love her, seems about impossible at this point. No matter how much I try, there's still a part of me that is standing in the way, holding up a hand and saying, "no, David. You aren't fooling anyone. You're in love. This is what love is."

Is that what love really is? ..

Again, I don't know anymore. I have no experience with anything like this. Meeting someone so..

(triple sigh)

I'm feeding an obsession now, it seems. Should I just.. oh hell no, I'm not going to delete everything I have of her on my phone. Or her pictures. Or any of the things she's given me, just to help me move on.

I can't do it. They're memories that I hold dear.

The only way I can move on, is if she gave me a reason to hate her. If she pretended to be something that she was not...

Geez. This is a pickle of the highest order.

To move on, I have to forget her.

To forget her, is to admit that my feelings aren't authentic.

And I don't want to be anything, but true to myself and my feelings.

Even if I have to suffer like this. Thinking of her every day.

Every day.

Because... I love her.

And.. there's nothing I can do about it.

I had an idea tonight as well, that I'm going to mention. That flea market psychic, Trina, I'm thinking of sending her a link to this blog. Asking her to do me a favor and read these entries. I want an outsider perspective on all this. Someone who doesn't know me, and someone who is spiritual like I am.

I need guidance, basically. But real guidance, not delusions. I don't want to be given advice like, "move on" without that person first reading all this stuff I'm writing down. I want my emotions to be known, and my thoughts and my life to be considered, before any advice is given. I especially want something.. hmm.. something.. I don't know, spiritual? In nature, as far as answers go? I think that's what I want. I need to know what the end game of all this is. I need to know if I should try to.. contact her, later on. And see if we can make amends.. I need to know if I should actually try, and not give up on her. I already know that she's worth being with. I just need.. assurance, that I'm not crazy. And that..

I don't know.. Which is why I think it's better for someone else to look at all this, and give me their objective point of view.

I don't want to forget her, but I do. I should. Unless.. there's a chance. If there's a chance, then I will definitely not forget her. I will do whatever it takes, to capitalize on that chance. But, I need to know that there is a chance. A reasonable one. And I need to know what I can do to improve those chances, before I do anything further.

Whether it's writing her an email. Sending her an Christmas present. Or making a paper flower to leave on the windshield wiper of her car... like, maybe a month or two from now.

I don't know what I should be doing. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know if I should be making the next move.

I don't know if I should try and convince her. To explain how I'm feeling. Or to show her this blog, which will surely have her shaking her head and further distancing herself from me, because this kind of emotions I'm feeling towards her, is nuts. Basically. I've never.. felt like this before towards anyone. So.. It's.. new. I've never really been in love, until she broke up with me.

And I can't explain it. I.. can only think, that I was waiting for the breakup, before I could feel closer to her. To respect her. Because, all those bad relationships I've been involved with in the past, have all revealed something ugly about the other person. Something that was easy for me to latch onto, and say, "yeah, she's not for me". But with Gina.. I'm not getting that. Other than her breaking up through text, without us having a conversation about it, and her not sitting me down to explain what it is she wants from me, and what is troubling her.. I can fault her for those things, but I can't hate her for them.

I can't hate how beautiful she actually is. Although, she judged me cruelly at the end, and mistakenly assumed that I would be okay with being broken up with through text. And then ignored my messages. And then got angry with me on the phone, and then ignored my email a month later.

What does that say about how she feels about me? What does that say about who she actually is?

It's not.. Good. Whatever those thoughts are, and I keep wondering what caused them. How did we get to that point, where breaking up through text was a good idea for her?

Why did she give up so easily on me?

On us?

I can imagine the reasons. I didn't.. I wasn't the man I could have been, with her. I.. honestly took her for granted at the end there, not thinking she was the type to break up through text like she did. So I felt comfortable. Too comfortable, maybe.

But she was that type to break up through text.

And no matter how many lovely memories I conjure up of her during my day; I have to accept the fact, that she..  gave up on me. Rejected me. Despite.. Despite how much it seemed she was infatuated with me.

For those first four months we were together.

And.. I refuse to believe, that.. that she can shut herself off like that. To turn her back on all we've done.

But then again, I'm certainly repeating a story that many men other than myself, have likely experienced already.

But not many men, fall in love with someone after being broken up with.

And not many men are me. If any, are.

So.. (shrugs) I don't know. I feel like my situation is unique, but from an outsider's perspective, it might not be. It might be more common than I think.

But I don't know that.

I don't feel that.

And so.. I think I will consider going to the flea market one of these days, and asking Trina to do me this favor of reading my blog and giving me her thoughts.

I need to know that either I'm crazy. Or I'm.. something else.

Whatever that something else is. And I need to know what to do next.

So..

Yeah.

Boom, boom boom.

Let me hear you say ay-yo.

(sighs)

The Tender Trap

About to leave for work here soon, but thought I'd mention something important I thought about last night.

In the early stages of our relationship, what Gina and I had was profoundly beautiful and the word that kept coming into my mind, was "tender".

Just seeing her when she opened the door of her house, and the smile and look we exchanged.

The soft way she said hi to me.

Beautiful. God, do I ever miss those moments. And the texts. I wish I could paste a few of them in here, but I'm pressed for time. Our texts... (sighs) so good. So.. What it should be.

I exported our conversation to a text file and went to print them out.

500+ pages, the printer said. And I hit the ok button. Double sided, and I'll be hole punching them and putting it all into a binder.

Probably will print her pictures out, and include it in there as well. Something to remember her by.

I'm not sure about the Christmas present now, and a thought that came to my mind was to send her this binder, but I don't know yet.

We'll see.

Work awaits.

Hope it goes okay.

Time After Time

I slept. A lot.

Let's see.. After getting up yesterday at 10:45, I had the song "Time After Time" going through my head the second I awoke and then went into the basement, smoked up, and started making a playlist.

Here is what I came up with.

The Cross of Changes - Enigma
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
Modern Drift - Efterklang
You Are So Beautiful - Joe Cocker
Always - Bon Jovi
Last Night On Earth - Green Day
Love Me Or Not - Dub FX
Get Free (feat. Amber of Dirty Projectors) - Major Lazer
Just Another Day - Jon Secada
Suite Bergamasque: III. Clair De Lune (orch. A. Caplet) - Ulster Orchestra
My Love - The Bird and the Bee
Time To Go Inward - Rodney Crowell
Grace Beneath The Pines - Glen Hansard
Holocene - Bon Iver
Too Late - M83
Arnalds: Only The Winds - Olafur Arnalds
Lazarus - Porcupine Tree
How It Ends - Devotchka

Once I finished the setlist, I went back to bed at around 1am and slept all the way until 3pm. Waking up on occasion enough to restart the playlist, and falling back to sleep with my headphones on.

Had a dream. Not much details to it, but there was a woman with black hair. Young. And she seemed in love with me. I remember the feeling of lust being involved, and I also remember her kissing a young five-year old girl, who was presumably her daughter.

That's it, really. Over 15 hours worth of sleep in a single day, and my eyelids still feel heavy.

Love it. It felt good to sleep this much. But now, reality demands I start thinking about work again tonight and I'm like.. (sighs) well, reminding myself that it's something I have to do.

Also.. It felt like I communed with God somehow, last night. As I sat in the basement with a candle flickering, putting together the playlist and listening to music. There was this inner dialogue that I didn't really pursue, but it flowed out and demanded my responses. It was like I was talking to God, and telling Him (or It) that if it was truly a loving, merciful God, then I would not be suffering like this. I reminded it of how long I kept faith alive for. How long I've been hoping and dreaming for. How long I've suffered for, and am still suffering. And what exactly am I responsible for, in terms of my failures.

I didn't want to have that conversation, but I did. It felt like my heart was talking. Speaking out to the nothingness. Telling It exactly how I felt. I didn't really stop to pause and think about my answers or any of the things I wanted to say. It just streamed out.

Who knows what that is. Who knows what awaits me down the line. Who knows if anything I've done last night is going to make a difference in the long run.

Just, who knows.

Who knows.

Not me, that's for sure.

(sighs)

What a life. What a mystery.

Perhaps someday, I will find out what the truth really is.

I just hope I won't be disappointed.

Random quote of the day on my phone, is from James Allen.

Nice coincidence, God.

But, I know you can do better than that. 

I need something much bigger. 

As A Man Thinketh

I missed work today, because of her.

And because.. Just because.

It started with this urge of mine to write her an email. Not an email I would be sending anytime soon, but a letter that described things I wanted to say to her.

And.. By the time I was finished writing it, I would already have been late for work. At the end, I just.. felt exhausted. Beaten. I went upstairs to bed and fell asleep in my work clothes.

Then, coming downstairs at 10:45, I went to the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror. And cried for the first time in weeks.

I only cried a couple of tears, and suffered.. still suffering from this heavy feeling in my chest, of wanting to cry more, but resolving myself not to.

Yesterday, was actually a good day for me at work. It.. was strange. I remember waking up, feeling very annoyed that I had to go, and my key broke off in the lock as I was leaving, just putting me into a completely foul mood.

But.. Before I left the house, I felt in need of an epiphany. I remembered how I randomly flipped through the Gnostic Gospels and found two statements that seemed to apply themselves extremely well to the situation I was in at the time.

So, I thought I'd try it again. Picked up the Gnostic Gospels, flipped through, and nothing. Because I was entertaining thoughts of Buddhism earlier on, I then picked up "The Buddha And His Teachings", flipped through, saw the section on Noble Truths; and still felt unrewarded.

What now?

I then picked up a book I ordered from Amazon a while ago, it's the complete James Allen Treasury. It has all nineteen of his books, and is entitled, "Mind Is The Master".

Flipping through didn't give up anything relevant, until I reached the end and came across the section (book) called, "James Allen's book of meditations for every day in the year".

With renewed curiosity, I decided to find out what was written for that day. October 22nd. Here is what it said:

(groans inwardly at having to write it all out)

"Whilist a man is dwelling upon the past or future he is missing the present; he is forgetting to live now. All things are possible now, and only now. Without wisdom to guide him, and mistaking the unreal for the real, a man says, "If I had done so-and-so last week, last month, or last year, it would have been better with me to-day"; or, "I know what is best to be done, and I will do it to-morrow." The selfish cannot comprehend the vast importance and value of the present, and fail to see it as the substantial reality of which past and future are the empty reflections. It may truly be said that past and future do not exist except as negative shadows, and to live in them-that is, in the regretful and selfish contemplation of them-is to miss the reality in life."

That was the passage that scratched my itch. There was another one I found immediately after, which described joy to be found in work. Unfortunately, it's buried somewhere in this nearly thousand-page long book, so I can't find it.

And work went well for me. So well, and smoothly that my foreman came up to me later in the evening and said that I should go for a smoke. He was satisfied with the work I put in, and saying that gave me a boost.

Well, at least until the end of the evening, where I had to cut a few corners on this one job I was doing because he wanted it done by the end of the night. I'm still unhappy about how I left it and hope that I won't be called out on it. It's a "good" enough situation, and not a "this was done exactly the best way it should be" kind of deal. Basically, I cheated, so as to get the job done in the time that my foreman wanted, when I really ought to have taken my time with it and not rush.

Anyways, yeah. Locksmith came by today, and despite my describing the situation over email; I was told it would cost 300 bucks for parts and labour to replace the lock. I was initially told it would be 45 dollars and up to replace a lock. Guess it goes way up. And this is for 15 minutes of labour too.

I told the guy no, and gave him 30 bucks. What a waste of money. I've changed locks in the past, so I know what is involved and.. 300 is an absolutely stupid amount to be charging people. Deceptive also. He was trying to convince me that I couldn't buy this kind of lock he was going to install at Home Depot, and that it is the "highest quality".

Give me a break. I'll just have to do it myself, I guess.

And yeah, I was writing the email before he arrived and picked up after he left.

It's pathetic. I don't want to copy and paste it in here. But the gist of it, is that ... I want her back, and I wrote..

Oh, God. It IS pathetic. But.. I poured my heart into it. I told her how I couldn't stop thinking about her, and that I needed to know if I have a reason to continue hoping. I invited her to breakfast. I told her how much I wanted to meet her kids. Her family. Her friends.

And I'm realizing now.. that I'm such a sad person. I'm so.. broken, or in love.. or something. Something is.. wounding me every day, and restoring me all at once. Like that story about Prometheus being punished by having vultures peck at his organs, while being tied to a boulder. Only for his body to be renewed the next day, so the ordeal would continue on.

And I feel like Prometheus right now. I really do. It's maddening to keep thinking of her like this. It's a special type of hell to be wondering and wishing and hoping for something that I can't have.

Someone, that I can't have.

I don't want to send her this email, and be rejected again. I don't want to be ignored.. again. It is a cruel way of treating someone, to not tell them anything, and I don't think I can take it. Wondering if she read the email, or if she received it and wondering what she thought of it.

Wondering, wondering wondering.

Imagining, imagining imagining.

I hate it.

Fuck people who do that to others. There is no..

Ugh.

By saying that, I'm essentially saying, "fuck her".

And I don't want to say that.

Holy God, do I ever need hope, right now. I need something to remind me that all will be well, and that good things are coming. And I need to know if I should let her go or not. I need to stop thinking about her. I can't stand it anymore. I need to put my energies elsewhere. But..

But maybe this is how it has to be. Maybe this kind of torture is needed, in order for me to grow into a better human being.

Maybe.. I'm being selfish. Maybe I need to grow up and realize..

(sighs) .. I don't know anymore.

There is this passage also, that I came across today:

That circumstances grow out of thought every man knows who has for any length of time practiced self-control and self-purification, for he will have noticed that the alteration in his circumstances has been in exact ratio with his altered mental condition. So true is this that when a man earnestly applies himself to remedy the defects in his character, and makes swift and marked progress, he passes rapidly through a succession of vicissitudes.

The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves, and also that which it fears; it reaches the height of its cherished aspirations; it falls to the level of its unchastened desires; and circumstances are the means by which the soul receives its own.

Also from James Allen. I can't help but sort of agree with his statement on how earnestly redeeming the defects in my character, will yield "vicissitudes" which means a series of favorable changes in circumstances. Basically, think positive -> be rewarded with positive things.

I can only kind of agree to this. As.. (sighs)

I'm tired.. the battery in my laptop is almost dead. It hasn't been charged since I wrote that email and I have to go plug it in.

I'm so tired.

My heart is lonely. My soul is wounded.

My chest is heavy.

And I'm so tired of it all.

I'm going to clean the place up a bit tonight. And think.

It's all I can do, for now.

Maybe another epiphany will come.

World War ZZzzzZzz

Soooo...

...Tirrrreeddd...

Couldn't do a 12 hour shift tonight, got some derision for it too. "Whattya mean you're not working 12s?" from Matt, who ended up leaving 8 hours in due to some "emergency" Pfft.

It was.. a depressing night, actually. I didn't have any fun at all. I felt like a dumb robot going through the motions, and didn't feel like saying very much to anyone there. No real jokes. Nobody really laughed.

Part of the reason for this, aside from not enjoying the work, is Greg. Before the shift started, I was in a conversation with him and somehow it shifted from the presidential election to World War III looming just over the horizon.

The thing about me though, is that I'm very familiar with conspiracy theories and I managed to correct / inform Greg on a few different things. He brought up 9/11, and explained how it was all for "oil", but I believe that's not entirely accurate. I believe there's more to it aside from the obvious, topical reasons that most people list when it comes to talking about 9/11.

Yes, Cheney conducted war games as this was happening, yes pilots were told to stand down. Yes, you can't use a cell phone from 2001 to call anyone at over 2,000 feet in the air. Jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. Yes, they weaken, but what about the squibs? What about the firefighters who claim to hear an explosion in the basement shortly before the collapse? What about the insurance policy taken out a short while before the WTC came down, making Silverstein happy and rich to be done with an aging building in need of repairs? Or him saying, "pull it" shortly before building 7 came down in a free fall? How about those security guards/dogs that were removed from the building weeks prior to the collapse, and reports of a single floor being "renovated" that some people have stumbled across, with the theory being that nano-thermite was painted on the exposed beams? Or the molten pool of metal that burned for months underneath the rubble? Did a plane really hit the Pentagon? With all the cameras around there, all we could get was a short blip of a video that doesn't show a plane at all? Did Osama actually came up with the plan to hi-jack plans, being that he was ex-CIA and that such a gesture seems ultimately pointless, being that there was no benefit to be had from committing such a heinous crime? No profit to be had? What about how all his family members were shipped out immediately on the day of the collapse, rather than hold them for questioning? They were up in the sky even when every other plane in America was ordered to stay on the tarmac.

Yeah... I'm aware of all the details. And when Greg started fear-mongering in regards to Russia vs the United States in an upcoming World War; well.. I listened.

What happens with me whenever I hear outlandish or depressing stuff, is that I listen. I take it all very seriously. I believe everyone has some value in making a prediction, but that's all it was, a prediction. And yet, knowing this, didn't make things any easier for me. I ended up thinking about WWIII during the shift, and the possibility of it happening.

It doesn't help to see stuff like this, either.

Second page of the newspaper today, and what are the highlights?

"Paulina Takes a Pole" with a blurb at the end that says, "Party on, Paulina" as if swinging around a stripper pole is newsworthy and liberating and empowering and acceptable behavior all at once. Just because she is the daughter of a beloved local hockey icon, doesn't make this okay to print. It's useless information. It's not even entertaining or worth discussing with anyone.

Then there was an article about a big ass sundae being made. Entertainment via gluttony.

78 bucks for "deluxe" potato chips make with rare Nordic mushrooms and "special" seaweed.

A man biting someone's nose off. Wow. Can't wait to tell people about this one.

Big feet.. I don't think I even bothered reading that one. Oh, wait. That's the sex orgy one. Some swingers club in London is banning patrons from wearing clown outfits as they fuck one another. Article reads like it's a normal thing to be visiting a swingers club, and the "ban" is apparently controversial enough to report it on the second page of the paper.

And lastly, someone decapictated a baby Jesus in Ontario and the local "artist" decided to take it upon herself to do a painfully bad restoration. I admit I shook my head after having a tiny inward laugh about it, but it's still sad. It's still pathetic to see what passes for newsworthy these days. Some person fucked up a restoration. And some other person decapictated the statue. I'm not sure which one of these is worse. Of all the others, this is the only thing I would *maybe* report on if I was the editor. But I probably wouldn't, given the humiliation the artist likely has already experienced.

And then this article.

Advertising revenue in newspapers are way down, and further declines are predicted to be seen. Looks like everyone is flocking to the internet, and nobody cares to advertise in print anymore. Also meaning that fewer people are reading the paper, so that means 20% of staff is going to be laid off. Which translates into a shittier newspaper, with no silver lining in sight.

I've been reading about lay-offs in print media for over a decade now. Seems to happen all the time. Why would any young person get into journalism nowadays, given the present state of affairs? Why would any newspaper invest in content that involves serious investigative reporting, if fewer and fewer people are reading their publication? Why not cater to the lowest common denominator and write about sundaes, strippers and noses being bitten off instead of reporting news of quality and substance? It's far cheaper. More entertaining, too. Less thinking involved.

Yeah. The newspaper, that thing I once loved, is on it's knees. Gasping for breath with a black hood over its head, and completely naked and hog-tied. Blubbering out drivel in desperation of retaining what is left of its readership.

Did you know Madonna would give anyone who votes for Hilary, a blow job? Seriously. I read it in the paper. She said, "I'm good, I make eye contact, I swallow" .. and this is acceptable to print? I don't care if it was said in the context of comedy, it's still not something any family paper should publish. Should we be slapping an R rating on newspapers now?

I started reading the paper when I was very young. Mainly for the comics, but I gravitated towards the entertainment section and occasional article or two. I think I was reading it as early as six years old. And there would never be any kind of blurb about celebrities offering blowjobs for votes, or clown costumes being banned at orgies.

Maybe the newspaper does deserve to die. It's only a subset of a larger multi-national corporation anyways. Kind of like AT&T which supposedly is buying out Time-Warner, which was previously a gigantic corporation and is now becoming even bigger. Meaning a lot of cut corners, less editorial control, less personalization and local content, competition.. the list goes on. Soon every newspaper and form of media will be owned by just a handful of megaliths, who will dictate all the media that we consume, with no regards to ethics or quality of service/content, etc. Long as the shareholders are happy, right?

Well, newspapers won't die out completely I don't think, but they've definitely become a shell of their former selves.

The comics used to be great, until they got rid of the good ones due to cost issues. No more Calvin & Hobbes. No more Far Side. Fox Trot. For Better And For Worse. Garfield. Archie. Not even Family Circus, or Ziggy, and even those two are still better than the ones we have now.

The newspaper used to be much thicker. More alive. Relevant.

It used to care about the quality of its writing, with many local sources and now it's basically pulling articles out from other publications and pasting it in. It's skimping. It's being half-assed and negative and oblivious to what its purpose should be, and how much of an effect it has on the psyche of others.

The amount of crime being reported.. (sighs) .. Nobody wants to read bad news. I don't need to hear about a cat that was shot with a bow and arrow. Or another female teacher in a sexual relationship with one of her students. Or another murder. Stabbing. Bombing.

I blame sensationalism, among a few of the things responsible for the death of print media.

I blame careless, misguided editing.

I blame a company that allows its principles to be compromised, in favor of political appeasement, advertising dollars and catering to the ADHD generation, who only are able to pay attention to short blurbs, rather than long-form articles.

I blame a population that fails to see the value in sharing a common point of reference, and are instead inhabiting their own little bubbles where they allow in only the information that interests them most, and they get it all off the internet. Causing a kind of fragmentation among everyone else, being that people are all off doing their own thing, in their own worlds. Further and further distancing themselves from everybody else. Making themselves more segregated and separated from everyone else. And.. sadly, these kind of people don't find newspapers all that compelling. And I don't really blame them. Given the reasons I've stated above.

Who can trust the media to report with fairness and accuracy anymore, anyways? There's too much at risk. Look at how whistleblowers are treated nowadays. Look at how much content is being farmed from elsewhere. Or ignored, for being too controversial. Don't get me wrong, there is some great stuff that is only available on the internet, and news is pretty much instantaneous if you want it; but the average person doesn't have time enough in a day to sort through all that. So, thusly, the population is becoming less knowledgeable and less interested in the day to day going-ons of the world around them. And what they do know, is not what the person next to them also knows. There's no common ground. Instead, there's an infinite horizon filled with rabbit holes for people to fall into. There's too much novelty available. Too many distractions. And there is always something shiny being waved in each person's face.

If I wasn't so tired right now, I'd expand on my argument and make better points, but the sentiment still stands and counts for something. I'm not happy with the way the world is, right now. Or with what people are valuing these days. It's all spectacle, no substance. It's all about personal realities and not staying in tune with the world as much as we used to. We don't sit around for family dinners anymore. Or look through photo albums. Or talk on the phone, like we used to, tethered by a curly cord mounted to a box on the wall, without call-display, so we always had to pick it up and wonder who is calling. Now, we can easily ignore anyone. We don't even have to talk, either. Just text. Calls go to voicemail. Emails. Snapchat. Instagram. Facebook. There's no need for real human interaction anymore it seems.

There's nothing that really unites us with a common point of reference. Like the newspaper used to do. Nowadays, it's Game of Thrones. That sort of stuff is what people talk about around the water cooler these days. Hardly anybody brings up something they've read in the newspaper.

Again.. I wish I could be making a better argument right now. But, I think a good step in the right direction for newspapers; is to separate crime stories into their own section. I don't need to be flipping the pages and finding something depressing on each one of them. Make a crime section. A politics section. An international section. Make it easy to flip through and get past the nonsense that liberally covers almost every page. Invest in quality content. Quality reporters. Discerning editors.

Stop pandering to the lowest common denominator. Keep your dignity intact. Report the news that honestly makes a difference. Both positive, and negative. And keep a balance between the two.

(sighs) anyways.. back to my night. A dumb robot acting mechanically was what I felt like. Depressed about Russian/American relations. Depressed about the upcoming election. Depressed about newspapers dying. Depressed about what I do for a living. Depressed about my ex-girlfriend.

Just depressed.

So much for, "feels good man" which is what I wrote in my last post.

That didn't last long.

When my shift finished up, and I was walking to the parking lot with Doug who openly-speculated about layoffs coming soon (more negativity); I had a quiet moment to myself at my car, when I looked up at the sky and saw how clear it was, and how bright the stars were.

I.. looked up at this one bright star, this same star that I followed years ago, and...

I just wished I was up there. Somehow. Up among the stars, looking down on the planet. Visiting other planets. Being removed from humanity, but still alive. Still thinking. Still curious, and still able to keep optimism and hope and curiosity and creativity somehow...

(sighs)

And.. those flashes of Gina really bothered me tonight. She pops in, and pops right out. I don't want to entertain these thoughts anymore. But, I realize that I do. That a part of me just refuses to let her go and that it would be a form of betrayal if I do, because she is the woman that I love and to let her go, means to concede defeat. To accept that I will never see her again. To accept a life without her.

And.. I.. I'm not ready for that yet. But.. there's nothing. There's no reason for me to have hope, as far as getting back with her goes. I haven't the faintest possibility to latch onto, other than the ones I've conjured up in my mind. And I know how much my imagination can stretch.

(double sighs)

This world, man. This world. It's a mess. I'm not doing too well either. Work is sucking out all the joy out of me, and being without her just makes it harder. I don't care about the money I make. I don't even recognize its value, half the time. It's just.. it feels like something I have to do, rather than something I want to do. And that's exactly what it is. I can't imagine what my life would be like, if I worked for minimum wage. At a job even worse than the one I have.

It's not like its a bad job.. but..

It's not me.

I don't belong here.

I belong up there.

Among the stars.

At least, that's what the romantic in me is saying. But the realist.. (sighs) the realistic side of myself says nope. You're stuck here. Make the most of it.

And, so I try.

Suck it up big boy.

And fasten your seat belt.

Life isn't done with you yet.

Even if you sometimes think it is.

Well...

Off to bed.