1904

Life..(sighs) Life is like a box of..

Oh, never mind. Cliches are worthless without context, so let me provide it first.

Its been a busy past few days. As usual, I'm bleeding out my bank account spending money on things to improve my home with. There's this strange compulsion for me to improve my home, and my life, that I'm really quite.. fascinated by. I know I shouldn't be buying anything, being that I am 23,000$ in debt right now; but, it feels like something I absolutely have to do.

Thinking about this behavior, I came up with a few justifications and reasons why it has happened ever since Gina broke up with me.

Yes, I am still thinking about her. Yesterday marked the first week since I sent her that email, to which she did not respond towards.

As I pretty much expected of her. She's a coward for breaking up with me through text, and an idiot for not taking my email and feelings seriously.

Then again, its not easy to believe "words" when they are written, and not spoken to the recipient in person.

Boy, have I changed. A LOT. For the better. As bad as I've been hurting, and as much as I have been thinking about her; Gina breaking up with me, has been the best thing that has happened to me in the past.. sheesh.. Well, a long long time. Years. Possibly a decade and a half.

How do you convince someone you've "changed"? How do you let them know that you truly love them, and that you're a different person because of them? A better person?

How do you convince someone that... you've transformed?

Not through words.

Through action, I suppose. But I have no way of demonstrating action. I said I wouldn't contact Gina again, and I meant it. I can't drop anything off at her home and work, and I meant that too.

Not going to mail anything either. Not going to hang around under her bedroom window and serenade her with a guitar.

Nope.

So, to cover the past few days, it's a bit tricky. A lot of little things happened that add up to big things, but its difficult knowing how to convey all that. And to piece everything together, being that I've taken some time away from updating this blog.

I was proud of myself on Thursday, for not having cried once over Gina, but that was short-lived as I woke up inexplicably at 5:15am the next day, and while brushing my teeth, I thought of her son Cole.

That brief thought of not being able to meet or play with him, really cut me deep.

In the "feels", as some would say.

That little thought of not being able to meet her children, it triggered this.. reluctant.. hmm.. well, I had a tear sneak out of my eye. But it wasn't really "crying" or bawling, or anything like that. Just this.. moment of intense sadness. A brief moment, anyways.

I had another situation like this.. hmm, two situations at least, on Friday where I would be doing something like.. Well, I was working on something and this... dark cloud appeared. This wave of futility came in, and slammed right into me.

I was doing something productive in the garage, and when this wave hit, I had to lay my head down on the chair I was stringing solar lights through. I had to lay my head down and let it pass.

What triggered it? I don't know. But it was definitely Gina/relationship related.

And it bothers me to keep having these moments. Its been over two months since I've seen her last. But at the same time, I don't.. won't.. shouldn't forget about her so that I can "move" on.

I don't want to "move" on. I don't want to forget her.

She's still the love of my life.

Nothing compares to u, babe.

As the song in my ears is playing, the lyrics are saying, "let loss reveal it" .. that's Florence and the Machine, St. Jude.

Yep. In a dark basement again, playing her cd, sipping on Bob Marley iced tea..

Poetic. That's what my life has been these past few months. Absolutely, tragically and beautifully poetic.

There's.. a rhyme and reason for everything. An ebb and flow. And I find that when I flow along, I am still able to hold onto myself. To really feel my feelings, both good and bad. Its when I resist this current that is pulling me along, is when I kind of.. give up. Or.. I get more depressed.

That's something I've learned over all the years and the shitty relationships I've been in, and all of the personal crises I've had.

Just.. let go. Go along with wherever life takes you.

And do it without complaint. Endure it. Follow the honesty of your feelings to wherever they may lead you.

That's what I've learned. And I'm putting this lesson to good practice at the moment. Through both the good and bad.

I.. had to.. kind of chant this mantra to myself yesterday and today, which I don't like. But had to, because hope is a tenacious beast.

I had to.. Well..

I don't even like writing it.

"I'll never see her again."

That's what I was repeating. I'll never see Gina again.

I hate it.

I don't want to .. lie.. because I'm not sure if that's true or not.

Maybe I will someday be proved wrong. Maybe I will see her again.

But, I shouldn't count on it. I can't live my life based on what may or may not be false hope.

Hope by itself, is useless. Hope basically means, "I wish for *this* to come true" whether its a situation,  a relationship, having lots of money, being able to raise good kids, having your dreams come true.. Whatever you direct "hope" towards, is generally kind of useless, I'd think.

Hope again, by itself, is useless.

The two most important things I find myself holding onto, is faith and desire.

Faith is kind of similar to hope, but the difference between those two words, has to do with intention.

Hope is basically a demand for something in particular that you wish to have come true. Whereas faith, is the belief that..

I'll have to think about this for a moment.

Faith doesn't mean you need to believe in a God, or Gods, or... even in the ability of yourself. That's confidence, not faith.

Faith.. hmmm.. I'm pretty sure the dictionary definition of it is quite contrary to what I think the word actually means, so I'm going to look it up anyways just to make sure.

1. A strong belief in a supernatural power of powers that control human destiny
2. Complete confidence in a person or plan
3. An insituation to express belief in a divine power
4. Loyalty or allegiance to a cause or a person

Very interesting. Four different possible variations of the word "faith", and they aren't really bad definitions either.

But, what I think faith is? Hmm..

To me, faith would fall more in line with #2. Complete confidence in a person or plan.

But, without the "person" part. I think.

Complete confidence in a plan.

Yeah.. that sounds about right.

I believe we each have our own destinies to fulfill while on this planet. I believe there is some sort of plan for each individual out of the billions that are all on this spinning ball of dirt flying through the galaxy like a dinner plate, holding itself and its inhabitants steady as we rocket through the cosmos.

Complete confidence in a plan.. Well, even that doesn't quite sound right to me. I don't have complete confidence in a plan, but I do have confidence in a plan.

Skeptical confidence, I suppose you could say.

So, yeah.. Faith and desire.. Those are the two most important qualities for any human being to have. Desire enables action, whereas faith brings purpose from which desire is born. And so, the cycle loops onto itself. The more actions you take, the more faith you should have. Provided that you are following on the "plan" that having "faith" involves believing in.

Now, the "plan" is tricky also, to correctly define. And there will probably be no correct definition towards what I mean, in this particular instance.

Is there a plan for everyone? Who knows. Wouldn't that be a logistical nightmare?

Only if you're thinking in human terms, it would be.

I'm feeling like we are living in a kind of game. Something that is entertaining an audience that we cannot see. But an audience that is able to direct actors around, and cause events to happen in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways.

And that is what we are, simply actors upon a stage, playing the role that we were given to at birth.

Should we die before the age of one, or live to be a hundred; we are each following a plan, a role, that like tossing a pebble into a calm pool of water, would cause a ripple and a chain reaction that will then in turn, affect not just ourselves, but many many more others.

Even just locking yourself up inside the house, can affect profound change as much as going out and being active would do the same.

Think about it. Driving somewhere, just having our car on the road, could mean that someone will have an accident that we are indirectly responsible for.

That little bit of time we lingered on making a right turn, could have prevented the guy behind us from having an accident had we not delayed him by a few seconds.

You never know. A few seconds may not seem like much, but it does change things. Its not just physical intervention either, but thoughtful intervention also. What I mean, is that perhaps by lingering at the right turn; we may subtly annoy the person behind us. And that little feeling of annoyance, could lead to something else. A change in that person's behavior can cause many other possibilities to happen.

There are so many variables to consider, that I don't think we can truly appreciate that saying, "the flap of the wings of a butterfly, can cause a hurricane on the other side of the planet."

Or something like that. I'm only paraphrasing.

Anyways.. I am the master of tangents.

Got my first lapdance today. Justin paid for it, and.. wow.. I was..

Elated.

I had a big grin on my face. I loved it. I loved having a beautiful girl (who loves to read! who has a bachelor in English literature!) grind all over my lap and push her boobs in my face.

Loved it.

But, at the end, this.. depressing realization came in. That I wished I had a girlfriend who would do something like that for me. And the realization that I was just another.. wallet, to this woman, who she may have only "pretended" to be nice towards, so that she would part me from my money.

So, basically I was a victim of a lie, I guess. An illusion.

But, thats okay. For that brief moment, I was able to indulge in the fantasy of..

Well, whatever the fantasy is. I don't think I really know what it is. Having a beautiful girlfriend grind all over me like that?

I honestly would rather have had Gina do it to me instead. It.. It would've been just as good, if not more so.

She may not be able to flip herself upside down off of a pole to wiggle her ass in my face, or to flex each butt muscle separately, but at least I know Gina would do it not for money, but because she loves/wants me to be happy.

And, that to me, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. At least as far as what a woman can provide.

The most beautiful woman, naked and grinding away on my lap doesn't have a good feeling to it, when you know what that person is motivated by.

Money. Greed.

Certainly not compassion. Or lust.

She didn't do it because she liked me, or wanted to have sex.

She did it for money.

And that's quite a depressing realization to have. Which is why I don't think I'll ever get another lapdance from anyone again, unless the person is absolutely special.

I didn't want one from this girl either, at first, but talking to her and finding out how "real" she is (she reads books! she loves food!); and with Justin offering to pay for the dance, and my never having one before.. Well, all the stars lined up and the gun got fired.

Mm.. Speaking of guns getting fired.. I didn't have much of an erection while this was happening, but I did have a semi going.

I was blushing pretty hard too, with a grin on my face.

Sheesh. I'm almost 40 and I still blush. She even pointed it out.

(sighs)

Gina.. you beautiful idiot.

Come back to me baby doll.

Please.

I want you.

I need you.

I..

Boy, this wound is going to be a tough one to heal.

Driving by Edos today (oh Gina loves their food), driving by Staples (oh, Gina bought me printer ink from there once and said she loves the store), driving by Montanas (oh, we shared an awesome grilled cookie dessert there)..

It's ridiculous. Every little thing reminds me of her.

I even put food into the fridge right after cooking/eating, just because she told me how fast bacteria can accumulate on food that is left around for too long. And that I'd have to let it cool off before storing, so that the temperature of the food doesn't change the temperature of whats inside the fridge.

So..

Many..

Thoughts...

Of...

Her..

I have to pee. My life.. my plan.. is being followed.

*THAT* I have faith in.

There's still so much for me to say. Justin confessed a few things to me..

But.. I think I wrote enough for today. I can't just.. keep typing and typing...

I have a life to live.

And a path to follow.

And a heart to protect.

And a smile to give, to anyone who deserves one.

Most people do.

Good night my sweet blog. Mmmwah! *kiss* I really do enjoy writing on here. But, it does wear on me sometimes. Especially with long posts, and especially if I go days without posting and miss out on a lot of things I'd like to write about, but haven't the energy for.

(yes, I will be doing a post listing all of the changes I've experienced, as well as explaining them as best as I can)