Wish I had more time to do a proper and thoughtful blog entry, but I'm running short on time and have to pick up dinner and my new box spring mattress.
Well, looks like the small coincidences are still ongoing. Just when I thought they've gone for a while, a couple new ones have come to surprise me.
Last night at work, we had an hour long "safety" meeting with a guest speaker, who was a former ironworker that suffered an accident on site and is now doing talks like this, telling people about his experience with a work-related injury and how it came to be.
One of the things I took away from this, was the power of belief. How important it is, and how useful it can be. Another, is that work is not "life". Something I've believed for a while, but haven't had anyone really come out and say it. Work is not life, we work to live, we don't live to work.
Second coincidence, had to do with my flipping through a David Deiadra (sp) that came in the mail, regarding how to achieve sexual fulfillment. I had been impressed with his book "The Way of the Superior Man" when I picked it up at the library months ago, and sadly did not put into practise as much as I would've liked with Georgina; so I ordered in a copy of that to go along with the sexual enlightenment book that he also had written.
Flipping through, I came across an anecdote about a man who was in an accident and used the power of belief (and yoga, etc) to recover and realize his potential.
It was an interesting story, and now I realize that I do have this same capability that these two men are wanting to express the merits of to others. The power of belief. The belief that I can change, and become a better man than I am now, is entirely possible, should I work at it.
That's the thing. Working at it is tough, because now that I'm working six days a week, ten hours a night and feeling tired by the time I get home; there's not much left in the tank for me to work with.
But, I can still try.
I'm going to be thinking about this stuff during slow moments at work, and hope I can come across ideas for how to integrate these words of wisdom into my everyday life. The big one, is to simply breathe. That's David Deiadra's suggestion. Inhalation equates an intake of energy and vitality, whereas exhalation is a letting go, a surrender. Both actions demand a form of commitment, in order to experience their benefits fully. One must learn to be attentive and mindful.
So again.. It comes back to mindfulness, but with the addition of being open and secure in yourself enough to breathe fully and to exhale correctly.
It's .. not exactly complicated New Age mumbo jumbo, because I know what David is trying to say in his book. I know it innately, and I only need to be reminded of its importance and to feel inspired by the effects of putting it into conscious practice.
Basically, it comes back to mindfulness with a few extra other things in the mix.
I really understand what is being asked of me, and what I should do, but it's like.. almost a kind of.. apathy when it comes to acting upon the wisdom that is already inside of me. Maybe not apathy, but.. something else. Some other kind of blockage.
Maybe I'm just not convinced enough to try these things. Although I know they work.
Hmm.
I gave a hug to a girl at work last year, that left her remarking about how impressive it was. A week later, she was being bitchy and hyper in a room with other guys, but came to give me a hug at the end, and it wasn't the same as it was the first time. It wasn't very good. And I realize now that it had to do with how open I was feeling. How much of my heart was out there, unguarded, and willing to embrace/touch whoever I would come across.
So.. It's really about mindfulness, letting go, trusting in myself and expressing the depths of my being.
And inside my depths, is a huge swirling pool of love and compassion.
And wisdom. And other things.
So.. I really only need to trust in myself.
And constantly keep myself reminded as to what my goals are, and to work towards them. Whether it's by action, or thought, or visualization, or mantras.. There are ways, and I only need to figure out which approach is going to suit me best, and what goals I want to achieve most.
I already know what goal I want to achieve, but.. I don't know if it's possible.
Yeah. I want her back.
How can I make that my goal?
I can't do anything.
But, I can make myself deserving of finding someone like her again.
So, maybe that will be it.
Make myself into someone worthwhile.
Irresistible.
Sexy.
Kind.
Smart.
Gentle.
Wise.
Compassionate.
Spiritual.
Loving.
Fun.
Strong.
All these words.. I'd like to be able to realize the best of them. To integrate them into who I am, so that I can one day sound off each of those words, and know that they describe me perfectly.
And then, to take solace in that achievement. To know that I am these things, and that they are what I have to offer the right lady who comes along.
Whether it's Carolyn.
Or someone else.
It won't matter.
Because, birds of feather, flock together. Like attracts like.
And, inevitably, I will attract the right one.
Because...
(sighs)
Well..
We'll see how this goes.
I can't.. force myself to believe something that might not come true.
Yeah.. my goal right now really, is to have her back.
But how?
If I can't physically do anything for her. If I can't communicate with her. If I can't leave stuff at her door, or at work, or those scarecrows..
What's left?
What will the approach be?
Maybe the solution is to not have an approach, and instead, work on myself and to have faith.
Maybe she will come back, somehow.
Maybe she won't.
But.. In the meantime, I still have to live with myself.
Alone, and sad. And confused. And uncertain.
And, I shouldn't have to live that way.
Just because of her.
So..
I won't.
And now..
A new day begins.
