That's how my day went today.
While cooking dinner, I began thinking about what I wanted to share on my blog about how everything went.
First of all, my brass card photo turned out decently enough.
And then later on after orientation was over, I saw this sad-looking (but super cute) dog while getting groceries.
After that, my dinner was a new recipe I thought I'd try out. Ricotta stuffed pasta shells.
Of course, I had to beef up the basic recipe I found with extra cheese and tomatoes and parsley.
With a sprinkle of garlic powder on top, for good measure. Oregano, too.
Cooking as I type, and should be ready in about ten minutes.
So.. all that aside.. I really didn't want to mention "her" in this post. I've talked about her enough times already, and I had hopes last night, that going back to work will help take my mind off of her.
It didn't.
It was foreshadowed in the morning, that I would be battling back thoughts of her again.
As I was getting ready to leave the house, I stepped outside for my morning cigarette and coffee and looked inside through the patio door. Past the dining room, and near where the front door was, I had this .. image in my mind, of Gina turning the corner, wearing a housecoat, and looking at me with a sleepy smile.
And I smiled back. Not in my imagination, but I actually smiled.
God save me.
Gina is a safety inspector, so that means she does orientations much like the one I was at today.
That didn't help. As I imagined her doing one.
And.. fuck, man.. I brought along a Hemingway book of short stories to read during lulls of boredom (and they were frequent), but about halfway through reading the Snows of Kilimanjaro; I got to the part where Hemingway talked about writing a letter to a woman that he loved, and..
Fuck, man.. now I want to write one.
Because it worked for him.
He didn't go into as much detail as I would like to have read, in that letter, but what I saw was enough to know that my attempt wouldn't be all that much different than what he wrote.
Now, I'm questioning what kind of a man I'm supposed to be. I can't keep pining over a woman like this.
Ugh.... I'm getting emotional, now. I'm smelling this awesome food in the house, I'm already in my pajamas, and..
I miss her.
I need to check my phone and see exactly when was the last time I saw her, because this is ridiculous. It has to be over three months now.
I'm hoping, that tomorrow, once I start my new shift, this won't be as much of a problem as it was for me today. And if it will be, then I..
I have to do something about it.
I already am, sort of, by going back on dating sites, but.. man, look at this garbage I'm dealing with.
Playing hard to get?
Look at her conversation. LOL and YEAH doesn't pass for "conversation" at all.
It's only when I said I was leaving, was when she got interested in me again. Never mind how great of a profile I already had up on there.
Now she wants to meet me on Thursday or Friday, on her day off. Her idea, and I have little interest in her at this point given how much of a shallow person she already demonstrated herself to be. But, I'm still going to give her a chance. I always give everyone a chance.
Man..
I'm so tired of all this.
I'm only fooling myself to continue to chat with women online, and in public, with the hope of something amazing happening.
Because, I really doubt I'll find anyone as amazing as she was.
Gina may be average looking. With two young boys, one of them who is somewhat unruly. She is living in a rented home. She's recovering from bankruptcy. She has frequent migraines...
And still, I want her so much.
I.. I..
Man.. I don't even want to say the words that just popped in my head right now. They're scary ones to say, and they aren't bad words.. Just uncomfortable ones.
I already know I love her, but those words..
Fine..
I'd marry her in a heartbeat.
As long as I know that she will stand by me, no matter what may happen with us down the road; I would marry Carolyn.
And I'd try to be the best husband and step-father I can.
At least, that's what popped in my head. I'm not sure how serious this particular thought is. I don't even want to entertain it. But it did come up.
Scary, right? Told you.
I need to.. I don't know. But I know that the scarecrow idea is gaining traction again. I also know, that I would..
Man..
I know I said I didn't want to forget her, but I don't want to be thinking of her this much. Every single day.
Having my dinner, I can't help but wish she was here with me. With my table set like this.
Waking up in the morning. Same thing. I..
..
I'm going to go eat.
I need to stay up late tonight, for tomorrow.
FML.
But..
(sighs)
I'm still grateful for having met her.
They say it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.
Except in this case, I have lost and then loved.
And.. I don't think it's better.
I think it's messed up.
