"Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are and the things which shall be hereafter." -The Revelation of St. John, i, 19
That above quote comes from the introduction written by Joseph Stoudt in the book I am reading now, entitled, "Jacob Boehme: His Life and Thought".
Prescient, once again, as I am taking that quote as a form of encouragement towards keeping my blog updated. Thank you St. John, a tip of the hat to you mate.
Step into the Sunshine is playing on my headphones, and that means Gina's cd is on. It also means that I'm again, in my dark basement with a flickering candle (mm, coconut & lime smells) but with a cup of coffee this time, as I am going to try and stay a little bit more late each evening until I'm ready to start night shift in six days.
Well, I got back from a date with a 28 year old named "Misty". Yes, it did not go well. Not that I expected it to, but I was surprised at how "not well" it actually went. It went so "not well" that as soon as the date was over, I found my mind spinning and knew I had to get over to my blog and start writing stuff down.
But, what about? I'm still not sure yet. I pride myself on learning something new with each person I go on a date with. I always learn something useful, and I've taken going on "dates" as kind of like going on a scavenger hunt. I'm looking for something, but I'm never sure what it is unless I pay close attention to everything that's going on, and take my time examining all of the pieces I collected afterwards.
Tonight, was the first time in years since I dated that crazy loud-mouthed bartender from Whyte Ave, that I found myself appalled at the "pieces" I've collected, and have no idea what to make of the puzzle I'm trying to assemble.
The puzzle pieces comes in the form of something either of us says in conversation; clues can be found in body language, and my own personal reaction to whatever is going on that I didn't expect to have. Some women show me a window into a new type of world with their peculiar ideologies and odd neuroses and quirks of having a unique life that I wasn't previously educated or familiar with before. All these bits of "evidence" are hoovered up by me, so that I can parse it all later and patch it into my grand tapestry of learned experiences that have made me into a better, more wiser human being.
Yeah, I also smoked a bit of weed before writing this post. It already feels strange writing about all this.
So, back to Misty, who I just came home from seeing.
Dear God. What was I to learn from her?
She's 28 years old. Is a line cook at a restaurant, and has been cooking professionally for 12 years now, according to her. She has a one-year old son named Marshall, from a FWB relationship she has been in for 9 years.
Let that sink in a bit.
She got pregnant with a guy that she's been having casual sex for nine years now. Just sex. She doesn't want a "relationship" although it seems that the guy does.
Already messed up.
Not only is she a single mom with a year old baby, but she doesn't have a car. Not a big deal, but she also never had her driver's license either.
And there was trouble, the second she told me all this much later in the conversation we had going on OkCupid.
"I don't have a car."
and later,
"I have a hard time getting a sitter."
Then it was,
"I live in a house with my family. For now."
And so it goes. All these bombs in the very end of the conversation, where I invited her to come meet up with me.
Before that point, I thought she was nice. She seemed like she could be a good person. She was average looking, nothing special. But she apparently was a professional cook, and I really love food.
And her pictures had her showing off cleavage, and her tongue stud. And there was one of her Pisces tattoo, as well.
At the bottom of her profile, OkCupid thought it was pertinent to inform me that "HopefulInE-Town" is more "sex-perienced" than I was. And she was more, "love driven" and "romantic".
Okay, so she was sensual and seem to enjoy sex. But she also wants her guy to earn that right, because she wasn't into flings and one-night stands.
Not a problem, I thought. If she doesn't have a car, and lives with her family of four other people; I still would want to give her a fair chance. I'm sure most guys would balk and turn away, but not me.
You see, I always learn something new from every date I've been on. And I was expecting the same from this encounter. Regardless of whether or not it went well.
And it didn't go well. Heh. It was weird from the very start, as I wasn't sure if I should ring her doorbell as I walked up the steps, because I don't know if she lives on that level, or if anyone was expecting to see me at a fairly late hour (9pm).
It was her idea by the way, to meet up this late. I would've met her earlier, but apparently her son will be "okay" because he wasn't feeling "well" before and went to sleep early. So, she was "free" that evening, and promised to wear sexy clothes.
That was a red flag, right there. She seemed overly enthusiastic to meet me, which was okay, but I would have been fine to wait for Sunday, when the father of her child comes by and takes him for six hours.
Hmm. I'm not sure what else to say here, other than that she was extremely talkative. But not about anything interesting. Just herself, and the banal stuff that happens in a monochromatic, single-mom lifestyle.
She was also on maternity leave for a year.
Nothing wrong with that either, but all these things added up. FWB. No car. She smokes weed, I later find out. The tongue stud. The tattoo. The cleavage. The "sex-perienced" attribute.
It all adds up.
And the picture it painted of her, was a giant meh. She was so.. talkative about nothing. My sense of humor pretty much dissipated ten minutes into picking her up. My mind went into this wandering state, where I'm not thinking about anything of what she's saying, and giving her the "mm hmms" and "oh yeah?"in all the well-timed places in her conversation.
I couldn't wait for this date to end, even though it had only begun.
She started throwing stray hairs outside the window. It was like, this constant picking at her head and pulling out a loose hair and then tossing it out. I swear, it had to have been a dozen strands or more.
And then, the yawning. Dear God did she ever yawn. Didn't cover her mouth either, just YAWWWWWWNNNNN and this seconds-long pause before she starts talking again.
Ugh.
She kept leaning her head forward to the dashboard as I was driving, completely blocking my view of the passenger side mirror. I had to gently push her back in the seat.
The girl was a floozy. Just bad news. But, I hung in there.
Managed to fish a few things out of her. One of my better questions was whether or not she was a wild child back in the day.
She was, she said. She had been a "bad, bad girl" back in the day. Saying it with this faraway look in her eyes.
Totally damaged goods.
(sighs)
That's.. the..
I wasn't sure if "scariest" would've been the next word. It wasn't the scariest girl I've dated, but it was scary. It was sad being out on a date with someone this tragic.
Again, I can even overlook a dark past. I believe in being able to change, and become a better person than you once were. I wouldn't judge anybody based on a past like this. I'm proof of this belief.
I'd judge instead, on their in-person attentions, and mannerisms.
For instance, she never covered her mouth when she yawned. Strike one.
Does she offer to help pay for the bill? If not, then strike two. I'm paying, but at least make a futile effort to pretend like you will. I'll be honored to pay, anyways.
In her case, she didn't seem all that appreciative of the meal. And she didn't offer to pay. It was at a nice restaurant too, Joeys in South Commons. I loved the sandwich I got, which had about half of a shredded cow in it alongside yam fries, all served on a warm french bun with au jus.
I loved my meal.
She didn't come close to finishing her plate. Which was as tasty a dish as mine was.
So, that makes strike three.
And it's not three strikes you're out, either. I'd let her strike out a couple more times as "credit" in case I decide to veto some of the judgements I've been making about her.
I'm really not picky about what kind of a woman she is, as long as she can prove to me that she has a sweet and soulful heart filled with good intentions.
Like Gina's heart was.
That's all I'm looking for. If a quad-amputee has those qualities, and I was on a date with her? I'd probably keep going ahead with wanting to see her. Those qualities are super important to have. Basic consideration and thoughtfulness goes a long ways with me.
Anyways, I have never finished a meal faster before on a first date, than I did with Misty.
She was literally banging her head against the table, nearly passing out from being tired and yawning and then her leg falls asleep, so she has to get up and walk around. Without first explaining to me what she was doing, until I had to ask.
Geez.
I had to nudge her playfully a few times, to keep her from passing out altogether.
"I could sleep on this," she coos, leaning back into the plush booth we were in. "It's so comfortable."
"Yeah." My mouth absent-mindedly replies.
She asked me about my novel, and I didn't have the heart or interest to tell her much about it. Just that I did ten chapters, and it's sort of a science-fiction drama. She then goes off the question and talks about something completely unrelated. She doesn't read, anyways. Doesn't have a favorite book or movie. Doesn't have any passions for anything, or hobbies. Or ways of getting time to herself each week, because she's busy looking after her child.
Again, nothing wrong with what I described so far. But, it was a you-had-to-be-there moment in time. As I said, all the bad stuff added up, and then her monotonous voice and forced smiles/laughs as she talked about boring (believe me, I don't think there's anything interesting about knowing that her son falls asleep in a funny-but-not-really position every night) subjects.
It was just so boring.
When Gina and I first met, we didn't discuss her kids all that much on the first date. Kids weren't really an interesting topic to talk about. Gina had character, and sweetness and loved movies and music and so many other things besides just her children. She had depth. And both of our depths drowned each other, finding new things to say and talk about. Without much difficulty.
Not so in this case. Not with Misty.
Ugh. I'm glad it's over. I was originally supposed to go out with Amber, as she decided to text me yesterday saying that she was free tonight. But Amber ended up having to work late, and I was sitting around reading messages from Misty, saying how she was going to wear sexy clothes and that she wouldn't tell me what it was, until I went to meet her.
So, I did. And I guess, I don't regret it.
I'm pretty sure I learned something today. I can't verbalize it yet, but I know something new about myself. Despite my boredom with her, I was able to be polite and nice enough to not frown or yawn or make like I'm not paying attention (even though I wasn't paying much attention).
I tried to be nice, is all. And the night ended nicely, as well, with a hug that she leaned over to give me, and a kiss to go along with it.
Three kisses to be exact.
And driving away from her place, I knew I wasn't going to see her again.
I don't believe it was a coincidence that she started messaging me a few days ago. Out of the blue, when I was at a time thinking there wasn't going to be anyone new who messages me, that I didn't message them first.
Gina messaged me first. Lauren did, too. Same with Leah, and Kim.
All of my interesting, intense relationships have occurred with women who contacted me first over these dating sites. I never even had them on my radar, until they did.
These kind of girls who message me first, usually result in a memorable date/relationship.
Not so with Misty.
Well, driving away, I wasn't sad or disappointed, really. I was.. trying to figure out what exactly was I supposed to have gained from this? Or what did Misty stand to gain?
One of my better questions to those that message me first, is why? What was it about my profile that caught your attention most?
Misty said it was because I looked nice. That's it. She didn't mention anything about what I had written in my profile. She didn't care that one of the "six things I can't live without" answers I gave, had to do with needing a functioning nervous system. She didn't comment on my cucumber joke. Or any of the other funny things in my profile.
She only started talking to me, because I looked nice.
That's it. Oh, and then she asked me if I wanted more kids. Again, I could not see this coming, but she was very different in text than what she actually was in person.
I'm doing a terrible job of describing exactly what kind of person she was. It wasn't the topical stuff about her job, her son, or not having a car that turned me off. It was.. her. Her personality.
She was not a terrific human being. On the way home, it struck me that there was something really wrong with her. Mentally, or spiritually or emotionally or morally.. I don't know what, but I could sense this darkness in her, and it was.. bleak, looking right at it.
And then pretending not to notice. Or that it was a big deal.
I'm strange sometimes. I really do overthink the little things, but I do it with skepticism and a demand for good evidence; so I don't often jump to the most generalized, fanciful conclusions without first being satisfied at what the evidence happens to be.
In this case, I can safely conclude that there was this dark pain inside of Misty that somewhat scared me. Not much, because I've seen semblances of it before, but not to this particular extreme.
(shrugs) Male intuition, or whatever it could be called. I know I felt something wrong with her.
We shared a pretty good hug together, and I enjoyed being reminded of how much I miss having someone to embrace and lock lips with. Even for just a little while.
But, I really think she was on drugs. And if she wasn't, then it's worse than I've thought.
Not going to see her again. No way.
I think it's mutual too. I can't see how my "mm hmms" and "uh huhs" would translate to her being interested in me. I intentionally made myself boring, so I wouldn't have to be expected to try and think of something of a rational or insightful response to whatever it is she's talking about.
She wasn't ever going to reciprocate with an equally lucid or interesting reply. She genuinely wasn't capable of giving one. Total lack of self-awareness and consideration for others.
And that sucks. It really does. Knowing that such spiritually-butchered souls are wandering around out there, lost in the woods and not really able to see what it is they're looking to find.
Just.. ghosts.
Some darker than others, but ghosts, shells, just the same. And I don't frequently come across this particular type, but whenever I do, it is always a sad affair. My sympathy threatens to pity the girl, only I don't want to destroy her pride or make her sad, for having acknowledged her pain.
Again, I probably think too deeply about this kind of stuff. But I find it fascinating to meet such a different type of person. There's always new surprises, or needed reminders of archetypes that I've encountered in the past. I'm sort of cataloguing personalities and ways of being, into an intuitively designed framework that I can easily reference from so I will be better equipped for whoever is ahead.
I want to increase the chances of finding the one I'm most meant to be with.
Whether it's with Gina, or someone else.
Regardless, I'm going to hope for the former, and attempt the latter.
Not much hope for the latter, to be honest.
Just too many dark people out there in the world. That diamond in the rough has to come to me of her own volition, and to message me first. She has to like my profile, and like who I am, before I allow myself to feel the glimmer of excitement.
I have a lot of little rules like that, which I've learned to apply over the years.
One of them includes, how often do they ask questions about me? Are they feigning interest at least, even if whatever is happening at the moment, is boring? Are they nice? Do they smile often? Do I have their full attention? Do their eyes wander around?
Lots of little rules and questions. It's all etched on my brain to know who is worth pursuing and who is not.
Like Gina.
Well.. It's not even close to a month yet, but I already had bought those scarecrows to surprise her with.
I know, I should never contact her again. If I am a spiritual person, than I must defer to a spiritual authority for not having my soul mate and I get back together. Because, if we are truly meant to be together, then I should NOT have to expend much, or any effort, to get her back. She WILL come back.
But ONLY if she really is the "one" I'm "meant" to be with.
I mean, that's my reasoning. I can't be the only one thinking that she's my soulmate, when she is likely not thinking the same.
Not that I think that she is my soulmate, because I really don't know if such a thing exists.
It might not.
Maybe, maybe we should settle. We don't need all these gimmicky qualities, and someone who has a car, or their own home, or an attractive physical appearance, etc. All we really should settle for, is someone with a good and kind heart.
But, what about if you are someone as broken as Misty? Would you deserve someone that is good and pure, when you yourself are so dark and corrupted that a relationship would be incompatible?
I'm wondering, maybe the broken ones have to be with the broken ones. And the good ones should be with the good ones.
But maybe. Maybe, the good ones have to try and transform the bad ones?
Do we have any such obligation? Or is attraction simply a, "birds of feather, flock together" type of phenomenon? Is it, "like attracts like"?
Because, it can't be. Can it? I'm not meeting people that are at all like me.
I haven't figured it out yet.
Hmm. My cd is almost over. I'm going to wrap this up.
It was a strange evening, and a strange day yesterday also. As I have realized certain insights that I'm not sure how to write down in the most articulate way possible.
Not that I should have to, as I expect to remember these lessons. They're important for me to have.
Well. I'm done.
Good night my blog.
Mwah.
