Yeah, so, that was my blog post last night, or this morning rather; that is making me feel a little guilty.
Looking it over, I realize how much I ramble around without making enough clear points. I blame being tired and stoned for that.
But, I still got the gist of what I was attempting to communicate last night.
I have to stay true to my nature.
Women come, and women go. As fantastic a woman as Georgina is, she can't be the only woman on all of Earth to possess the qualities that I most look for in a loving partner.
I'm sure there are many, many others like her out there.
But, how I will find them, I don't know.
That takes me back to being patient and having faith, once again.
See, I'm a believer in what New Agers like to call, "the Law of Attraction" which is the idea of a world that conspires to make things happen in your favor, simply from the power of thought and belief.
Coincidences, are a result of the law of attraction. We're in the right place, at the right time and meeting the right person to learn the right lesson.
I believe that the butterfly effect exists. That our thoughts and beliefs are like tossing a pebble into a pond, leaving a ripple that goes on to affect other people's thoughts/beliefs and causing small, micro-changes across a wide spectrum of humanity, leading to things like coincidences and a changing of consciousness. Both mine, and that of others.
Birds of feather, flock together, as they say.
Like, attracts like.
I have to admit, that I've seen my fair share of this phenomenon in action. Somehow, people find each other. Inexplicably. Across both the physical world, and across the digital expanse of the internet.
However it happens, the teacher always appears whenever the student is ready.
The "teacher" can be one person, with only one lesson to learn from; but that person is a teacher, nonetheless.
Now that I've made this connection, I can breathe a little easier, knowing that its only a matter of time before my next lesson comes. Because, I still have much to learn. I've been gradually tip-toeing my way to understanding who I am, and what I must be, but I'm not all the way there yet.
I know now, that while Gina and I deserve each other; I was not ready for her.
I didn't earn her, either. And it made my conquest a bit of a hollow victory, given how infatuated she was with me in the early stages of us being together. Because, I didn't do anything to earn the affection and interest she was showing me.
And, it was putting me off, to be honest. I didn't like being given something that I didn't work for. She was too easily taken for granted, and dismissed.
That's something I need to stay aware of. No matter how "into" me a woman can be, I still have to feel like I've earned her affections, and that I am expressing myself in the most honest and sincere way I can.
Because, victory is meaningless when it has been won without a single shot fired. Without struggle, or effort. There's no sense of satisfaction to have realized my greatest desire, without having to work for it.
And, interestingly, had I stayed true to my nature, I wouldn't really have had to work for it. I would feel deserving of Georgina. But.. I didn't stay true. I stayed scared. And uncertain.
And that affected me. And resulted in being broken up with.
(sighs) .. I don't like it when I start writing out half-baked thoughts and ideas, but.. there it is. I have this hazy image in my mind of knowing what it is I'm trying to communicate, but not being able to find the right words.
And the right inclination, since I don't feel obligated to have to clearly express these ideas, since I already have a good idea of them.
But, I imagine that down the road, sometime in the future -- someone will be reading my words, and learning from them. So, I should try at being as articulate as I can. Sloppy writing isn't going to help anyone.
Still, though. I'm back to work, and trying to enjoy what little is left of my free time. I can't devote it all to this blog, to writing, in general. I have a life to try and make the most of. There's more to it, than fussing over how well I'm writing in my blog.
But it feels good getting this all off my chest. Half-baked ideas, or not. At least I'm not as burdened by these thoughts as I used to be, before I started regularly updating this "man" diary of mine.
And.. it's interesting that I'm still keeping this updated. I'm grateful for having this place to spin my thoughts out on, and to test out new ideas and insights. 2016 has been a heck of a year for me. My father has passed away, there was Cassandra and Georgina, and the transformation that Gina inspired within me.
It's been a hell of a year so far.
Now.. I need to get myself back on track. Stay true to my nature, keep my sense of humor intact, keep standing tall.
Matter of fact, I wrote that on my chalkboard a few days ago.
I've learned so much already, in these past few months. The importance of keeping a clean home, staying in the moment, being honest with myself, preserving good intentions and keeping faith without letting depression and despair have its way with me.
And now that I'm doing ten hours a day of night shift, six days a week; it's a challenge keeping my focus on self-development. But I continue to pay close attention to my surroundings, and my thoughts.
And that's something worth being proud of.
Long as I keep trying, I can never fail.
My determination to understand the why of who I am, is slowly paying off.
It's double-time Saturday, and I expect a cheque of no less than $2,200 for this week of work once I finish my shift tonight. That's a nice bit of money. There are guys I'm working with who are getting a living-out-allowance of a hundred and ten bucks a day, just to show up. So they are making even more money than I am, but I'm still making a fantastic amount for what I do.
I need to focus less on relationships right now, and more on work. Showing up on time, every day is going to help ease the debt I've accumulated over the years.
I want to pay off my credit card and line of credit. I have close to 25 grand that has to be paid off. A lot, I know.
But, it's not unreasonable to think that I could bring all that to under 15k by the time this job is over. And that's a very conservative aspiration.
I can do it, I just need to keep trying.
Keep pushing forward.
And being smart about how I'm managing my money.
No more spending sprees. All I have left for big purchases this year, is really only the brakes on my Jeep and changing out my transmission fluid/getting it flushed, etc. It's about 1,500$ in total expense just for the Jeep.
Everything else, I already have. I struggle to think of anything more that I need.
So, I'm set.
I can now tackle my debt, and take responsibility for my finances.
I can now move forward, with a goal in mind.
And perhaps, I should set other goals as well. Such as working out. Quitting smoking.
Those two are big ones. But I can achieve them. If I really want to.
So, we'll see how it goes in the next while.
As much as work sucks out the energy and creativity out of me; I can still find time to work on myself and improve my life.
Got my box spring already coming in next week. Other random stuff from Amazon to improve my house with, is still on the way.
Got to clean my car.
Hmm.
There's always something to do.
And now, I should go do them.
Peace.
